Today, July 4th, is Independence Day in the United States of America. On this day 235 years ago, the country’s forefathers declared independence from the tyranny of a distant king. Today, let us all declare independence from the tyranny of sociopaths.
Declaring independence, of course, is only the beginning of the struggle. In 1776, the tyrant did not want to lose a prized possession—the Colonies—and retaliated by sending an army. The Colonists who believed in independence had no choice but to fight, even though most had little experience—they were farmers, tradesmen and laborers. But they learned how to fight. It took five years, many battles and many hardships, but in the end, the United States of America emerged victorious.
What can we learn from those Colonists that we can use in our own battles? The early Americans believed in themselves, believed in their cause, and did not give up. Oh, they suffered defeats, but they retreated, regrouped, and fought again. They learned from their mistakes, found allies and kept going.
If you’re doing battle with a sociopath—and make no mistake, any interaction is a battle—here are some strategies that will help you:
1. Know your enemy. Be brutally honest in evaluating the sociopath in your life. Remember: The sociopath never loved you. All you ever were to him or her was a source of supply. Once you get over the shock of their soullessness, you’ll begin to see the patterns of their actions. This will enable you to predict what they will do, and plan accordingly.
2. Never underestimate the sociopath. Do not anticipate that the sociopath will act as you, a person capable of love and empathy, would act. The sociopath has no concern for your emotions, your feelings and your welfare. Without empathy or a conscience, the sociopath is capable of doing anything, even the unthinkable, to get what he or she wants, which is to win.
3. Conserve your own resources. You can’t fight if you are sick or injured, so do your best to take care of yourself. Eat right; avoid drugs and alcohol; get enough rest. If you are suffering from anxiety or depression, a good way to relieve them is through exercise. Be gentle with yourself as you recover from trauma.
4. Plan strategically. Figure out what you really want and need, and figure out a way to get them. Never let the sociopath know your plans. If you are living with the person and need to escape, prepare a getaway bag and leave when he or she is not around. If you are going to court, keep careful records and document everything that happens. Keep in mind that you may need to use subterfuge and diversion to execute your plans.
5. Pick your battles. Determine what is really important to you, and what you can let go of. Your life and health are important; you may need to give up on recovering your money, saving your reputation or seeing justice done—at least for the time being. Only take on the battles that are vitally important at the moment.
6. Use overwhelming force. If you do have an opportunity to serve justice, go after the sociopath with everything you’ve got. Do not play nice; do not hold back. The harder you hit, the more likely your chances of success.
7. Seek peace. Remember, the only life you absolutely, positively can influence is your own. Your ultimate objective should be your peace of mind and peace of heart. Achieving it may mean letting go of material goods, people and past traumas. You may need to redefine yourself and how you relate to the world. If you can get to a place of tranquility, you are victorious.
/
🙂 No, please don’t stop. I thoroughly enjoy your refreshing and very sane outlook. I am pleased to see and hear I am not alone in my abstract thinking.
I watched ONE DAY of that trial and the minute I took one look at her, I could tell she had issues. What happens to the next child she mothers? Hmmm?
Of course, people said that about my Daughter, whose 2-1/2 year old was murdered by an acquaintance of hers, vying for her affections. (The child was not his). They said she was not a ‘fit’ mother to allow her child to succumb to such risk. As I told her, SHE was not the one who committed the crime and the one who is not at fault. “IT” (another one) is the ONLY one at fault.
I come from a very firm position, having lost a child to violence, I believe we have the absolute RESPONSIBILITY to protect our children and to raise them with conscious and not to subject them to the ‘current sensationalism’ that exists all around us.
It is purely a ‘desensitization’. How do we go back and undo all that which has already been done?
Perhaps Mother Nature is working on that solution for us.
Maybe even the unknown outer limits of the universe…
One thing I DO know, people are getting away from moral conscious and that could be devastating for the planet.
Perhaps the Angels will come and free the earth from all this disdain.
Please, Constantine…continue on…
“Dumbed-down”; great term. Thanks. 🙂
“functionally illiterate” as well as MORALLY ILLITERATE.
I absolutely believe and support your estimation of 1/3 of the population being some of both.
Have a nice night. Thanks for the dialogue.
DUPED
Ox: yeah, strangers. That fits…….sigh.
Ox Drover
Hi everyone and especially Ox Drover. 🙂
I am a newbie – first post! – who has been lurking for a couple of weeks, thinking what a great site and board this seems but being a little slow to join as both been stung before after joining a couple of on and offline alleged suppport groups.. and through the sheer exhaustion of dealing with the legal battle with my awful spath!
So i know i should first start a little hi comment and share a bit about my story but then sometimes it is easier to jump in first…so that can wait.
I just wanted to say something to Ox Drover.
I have to admit I am a little in awe of the courage and grace you show, the love and patience you have for others especially after such adversity..tho possibly also because of such adversity! Bloody high price for wisdom.
But I just had to say how moved I was by your above post about remembering the good times you shared with your kids before they morphed into awful adults.
I was struck by having had similar experiences in kinda reverse..as a kid I was raised by, at the time, what I considered to be two loving parents and a much older sister who was 19 when I was born..all I remember from my childhood is how much I loved them and they loved and cared for me… the lovely times at the beach, the garden, Christmas..the love, the sharing and the laughter.
I never thought this would change as we were such a tightnight family.. turned out that was part of the problem..i never had any friends or visitors and neither did they…problem began when I hit puberty..they reacted very badly.. i was dead in the water from then on.. little did i know that from then on sis started betraying me and manipulating me behind my back..for as long as i was just a child, they could use me to avoid dealing with their problems.. once i wanted a life outside the home -as well – that was that! (see the film “Carrie”? you get a hint! )
Both my parents are dead now and long story short I am now 46 and my sister has been badly abusing me for years and since mums death has been seeking to disinherit me totally – using lies and threats etc …even tho she is wealthy and healthy and i am sick and poor. And (of course! ) I have only ever loved and cared for her.. Long story short she wants me at best out on the streets and preferably dead…
The big shock for me is the contrast between this, psycho sister, and the other, benevolent, being of my childhood..I mean Jesus it sometimes feels like she has been taken over..”Invasion of the BodySnatchers” !
I do however believe that they did love me at one stage..at least in a limited way.. but didn’t know how to keep loving me.. they loved me for being a kid, not for being a person..not being an spath i cannot imagine no longer loving someone just because they are no longer cute or dependent..
So I do think – fwiw – that these kids loved you at least to an extent..but they were not capable of sustaining that love..whereas you were even in the face of their emerging monstrosity..because they are severely lacking..and you are anything but.
They are lucky to have had you!! Their loss. Keep offering your love only where it is warranted.. and mostly for yourself. 🙂
I am in a bad way because of what is happening..a very bad way i must admit.. but i no longer love my spath or want to fix her.. which is a relief…and a breakthrough! No more emotional ties,. just the psych warfare and threats and money stuff ..look forward to the future if i can get through this and hope to be giving and receiving support from this wonderful site. 🙂
Welcome, Lone Wolf!
Welcome Lone Wolf: You will find the validation and care and concern as well as understanding, here, amongst these wonderful people. They have been an IMMENSE and HUGE support system to me in the past month or so.
I am sorry that life has dealt you some horrid cards and wish you all the best.
Cling to the person YOU are and all the rest will take care of itself. Don’t give YOURSELF up, deep, inside, where it counts. If the emotional battle gets too overwhelming to deal with, do seek some counseling as it has always seemed to help me to have one spot where I can go and unload and not terrorize the people around me any longer than I already have.
SP has already caused enough damage.
IT’S reign of terror is finally over in MY LIFE. 😉
Welcome….
DUPED
Hi Lone Wolf – Yes, you almost have to talk about this business in mythological terms – “possession”, “invasion”, and so on – in order to adequately convey both the eeriness and the palpable horror of the thing. It’s especially striking when it happens to someone such as your sister “who wasn’t always like that.” – I know, because one of the two Ps in my life was someone I have known for close to thirty years, and he was most certainly not “always like that.” (The other one – a she – might have been, but I’m still not sure…..)
Anyhow, welcome – and best of luck to you.
Duped,
Well, I could “continue on”, but I get much more out of hearing your story than I do listening to myself hurl angry curses at today’s decadent society! Besides, people who have “looked into the abyss” and come back to tell about it, usually have an aura about them that is quite appealing to me. And you’ve definitely been there; but it’s inspiring that you’ve come out on “the other side” with so many of your good qualities still intact. So YOU continue on, dear Duped – I’ll just sit back and listen….
Have a great night.
Constantine, you are an absolute treat for the soul! 🙂
“The Abyss” it was, My Friend.
I haven’t even found the terminology to describe it, actually.
I am somewhat of a ‘learned’ lady and have never found a word in my repertoire of memories to adequately describe what that just was….
Thank you for thinking my experience has given some kind of ‘magical wisdom’ of some kind. I am still reeling that I could have been so DUPED; completely and totally. I sort of went into the relationship with sp in the first place, because I saw a need for intervention. So much for saving graces.
To attempt the salvation of a lost and burning soul and to end up being consumed in the fire is one of the ironies of the “beautiful life”. Poetic, certainly, but not very practical from a ‘living’ point of view. Mankind is directing their own course, no matter the objections of the moral and sane. It is a societal evolution that is taking place. What is it? 20% of the people are committing 80% of the crime? Most of it horrid and ugly and primal.
Thank you for saying ‘so many of your good qualities still intact’…that’s very kind of you. I haven’t ‘tried on my high heels’ yet so I am not really sure if they have or not, perhaps maybe only in theory? 🙂 .
It’s seems I need a refrigerator magnet that says:
“NUT MAGNET; ALL WELCOME”. hahahahahahaha
Hmmm…I must work on that ‘vulnerability’.
How can I NOT ‘come out on the other side’ of that ring of fire?
The compulsion to live and to survive and to breath takes over. 🙂 I walked through that ring of fire and am emerging on the other side unscathed except for my physical heart being badly damaged and we won’t even get into my psyche.
In essence, I was held emotionally and psychologically, HOSTAGE for five years. I know it sounds impossible but it isn’t. It wasn’t. It happened to me. I have been in a state of shock since I first laid eyes on him. “IT” is the definition of evil and I am not exaggerating one bit. It chills me to the bone at times to think how close I came to having my life sucked from me by an incubus.
I am not a very religious person but I do believe in the existence of the opposite powers fighting for control.
I believe in the existence of Angels who will save us from ourselves, somehow, some way. It is by the Grace of the Angels that I am able to walk through that fire and still remember who I am and have some normalcy about myself having survived as many traumas I have. There is no other ‘earthly’ explanation.
I know this ‘saga’ of the “IT” INCUBUS following my soul around is not over. I know it’s only in a stage of flux for the moment, having been scared away by my absolute resolution. The lines have been drawn down between us now and I am not relenting anymore. We’ll see how the battle goes from here on out.
I wish peace in my life and my world and “IT” far from me.
Banished to the ends of infinity. I am doing all I can to slam that gate to HELL I opened with my innocent and genuine love and consideration, I am trying hard to slam it shut before any more escape into our realm.
I am not kidding, what I saw in those eyes was an empty shell of a person who knew he was possessed by evil, openly admitted it and still chose it over righteousness. It was like looking into the eyes of a shark. Lifeless, cold and uncaring but powerful in that they could freeze you solid where you stood.
I guess I would have to admit that it has always been a ‘battle of the wills’…it never was that way for me…but I can see it was for him, for sure. I gave in and succumbed to the illusions.
No more.
I am determined to move forward no matter what awaits me and I do so with eyes opened wide and my spathinating machine with me now. 😉 hahahahahahaha
Blood sucking vampires anyways!
Night, Constantine…
May the Angels rest on your pillow…
DUPED
TO NEWLIFE08:
Hope you get 2 see this. I feel 4 you & your son. 31 yrs ago I gave birth 2 a sociopath; knew it before he turned 6; have been waging war on my son’s behalf throughout his life 2 save whatever humanity and soul he had until this year, when I had 2 cut off all contact. BELIEVE ME WHEN I TELL YOU THAT YOU ARE ON THE FRONT LINES OF A NEVER-ENDING BATTLE WITH A TIRELESS ENEMY THAT IS DETACHED, RELENTLESSLY SELF-ABSORBED, AND VIEWS LIFE LIKE A GAME/HUNT/SPORT/DUEL.
As long as you are looking for life 2 be fair, the judge 2 be fair, your son’s father 2 be fair, your son 2 be fair, you will be setting yourself up 4 failure. Your son will be comparing your demeanor, speech, and attitude against what he sees of his father. You can be sure that if father’s a textbook sociopath, he will be cool, calm and collected, even under pressure. Like it or not, that is hugely attractive 2 any young person developing their independent self and identity. It speaks of power and self-control; very compelling stuff. If your emotions rule your responses and decisions, your son, 2 BE SURE, will view this as a fundamental weakness on your part, and will not respect you as an adult, never mind an authority figure.
When you don’t allow your son 2 short-cut his way into maturity, make sure you understand that he might perceive you as his enemy. That’s part of your shield and armor if you can live with and TOTALLY accept it. He needs to know that somewhere there are rules, morality, truthfulness, sacrifice, love, consistency, discipline (training, NOT physical spanking), and that somewhere is YOU. One of the main things you don’t want 2 do is engage in fruitless arguing, debates, or endless explanations. Right now he’s just beginning 2 walk the road 2 self-discovery and independence; he WILL NOT want 2 admit is that he needs these good qualities, and he definitely will not want 2 admit he wants these things in you, BUT HE DOES. HE NEEDS YOU 2 BE THE STRENGTH THAT HE DOESN’T HAVE YET. HE WILL FIGHT 2 THE DEATH DENYING IT. You have 2 make up your mind: do you want 2 be a lighthouse in the storms of his life, or part of the chaos that’s SURE 2 come from his father’s influence?
Once you’ve fully decided to be the man/father that his own father isn’t, then you have to make sure you’re willing to pay the high price for the respect and love of your son. Most of the time he will not cooperate with you, and will be testing you round-the-clock 2 see if there are chinks in your armor. You have 2 fully face the real possibility you might lose your son before you’re able 2 truly help him. He has his own desires and agenda, and if he admires his dad, it’s gonna have 2 play itself out. If you, on the other hand, are the cool, calm, collected mom, who’s not afraid 2 admit that you believe in living right, sooner or later he’ll realize you are as strong, if not stronger, than his dad, and at the very least will have 2 begrudingly respect who you are and what you stand 4, even if he doesn’t buy into it 4 now 4 himself. If he desires 2 live with you, then it’s done within your parameters, period. You don’t have 2 throw your weight around, yelling, whining, complaining or crying. It’s just the way it is. Your morals, your rules, for the benefit of everyone, period. Nice and quiet, ruling from calmness, not emotions. Kinda like a man who’s fully aware of what he has 2 offer, but doesn’t make a big deal of it, doesn’t show off, or try 2 make everyone notice. From a position of confidence and strength.
If your son has eyes that can truly see, and an intelligent mind, time is going 2 be your best friend and will expose his father for what he isn’t. But if he doesn’t, just prepare yourself mentally 4 the long haul, anticipating that it’s going 2 get pretty dark before the dawn. Continue with therapy, with consequences for actions, with working for goal/wish fulfillment, etc. Hope 4 the best while expecting the worst and there won’t be any nasty surprises that might blindside you in the future, because you’ll be prepared!
WHATEVER YOU DO, DON’T DEMONIZE OR PUT DOWN HIS FATHER IN FRONT OF YOUR SON. You will thoroughly regret it. IT WILL BLOW UP IN YOUR FACE & DO MORE DAMAGE 2 YOU THAN TO HIS FATHER. It will make you look weak, foolish, and spiteful. You will have lost a major battle that is extremely hard to recover from. Your son will consider you beneath him, and will lose even more respect 4 you. Your son needs to KNOW that YOU REALIZE this is MORE ABOUT HIM THAN IT IS ABOUT YOU OR HIS FATHER. Repeat this 2 yourself as many times as it takes 2 stick in your memory whenever he does something that makes you want to blow your top!
Make your plans of action. Be prepared. Be calm. Be strong. It’s all you can do, because you cannot control life or another human being. Rest in the knowledge that you are ready 2 do your best for his future, and try 2 enjoy whatever good times you can with your son. You better believe that those things count more than your son would like 2 admit.