Today, July 4th, is Independence Day in the United States of America. On this day 235 years ago, the country’s forefathers declared independence from the tyranny of a distant king. Today, let us all declare independence from the tyranny of sociopaths.
Declaring independence, of course, is only the beginning of the struggle. In 1776, the tyrant did not want to lose a prized possession—the Colonies—and retaliated by sending an army. The Colonists who believed in independence had no choice but to fight, even though most had little experience—they were farmers, tradesmen and laborers. But they learned how to fight. It took five years, many battles and many hardships, but in the end, the United States of America emerged victorious.
What can we learn from those Colonists that we can use in our own battles? The early Americans believed in themselves, believed in their cause, and did not give up. Oh, they suffered defeats, but they retreated, regrouped, and fought again. They learned from their mistakes, found allies and kept going.
If you’re doing battle with a sociopath—and make no mistake, any interaction is a battle—here are some strategies that will help you:
1. Know your enemy. Be brutally honest in evaluating the sociopath in your life. Remember: The sociopath never loved you. All you ever were to him or her was a source of supply. Once you get over the shock of their soullessness, you’ll begin to see the patterns of their actions. This will enable you to predict what they will do, and plan accordingly.
2. Never underestimate the sociopath. Do not anticipate that the sociopath will act as you, a person capable of love and empathy, would act. The sociopath has no concern for your emotions, your feelings and your welfare. Without empathy or a conscience, the sociopath is capable of doing anything, even the unthinkable, to get what he or she wants, which is to win.
3. Conserve your own resources. You can’t fight if you are sick or injured, so do your best to take care of yourself. Eat right; avoid drugs and alcohol; get enough rest. If you are suffering from anxiety or depression, a good way to relieve them is through exercise. Be gentle with yourself as you recover from trauma.
4. Plan strategically. Figure out what you really want and need, and figure out a way to get them. Never let the sociopath know your plans. If you are living with the person and need to escape, prepare a getaway bag and leave when he or she is not around. If you are going to court, keep careful records and document everything that happens. Keep in mind that you may need to use subterfuge and diversion to execute your plans.
5. Pick your battles. Determine what is really important to you, and what you can let go of. Your life and health are important; you may need to give up on recovering your money, saving your reputation or seeing justice done—at least for the time being. Only take on the battles that are vitally important at the moment.
6. Use overwhelming force. If you do have an opportunity to serve justice, go after the sociopath with everything you’ve got. Do not play nice; do not hold back. The harder you hit, the more likely your chances of success.
7. Seek peace. Remember, the only life you absolutely, positively can influence is your own. Your ultimate objective should be your peace of mind and peace of heart. Achieving it may mean letting go of material goods, people and past traumas. You may need to redefine yourself and how you relate to the world. If you can get to a place of tranquility, you are victorious.
Newlife,
I love Mother’s post. I feel that she has absolutely articulated the truth. I’ve never been a mom, though I have been a child. Although there are so many things we don’t know about nature vs. nurture, I do believe Mother has said it correctly. Be a model for the adult that your son wishes to be. He won’t have any other chance to observe this at his vulnerable age when the imprinting is happenig. Any more than that, you can’t be expected to do.
Mother, welcome. I’m sorry your experience brings you here, but I think you can be an asset. Thanks for your wisdom and your eloquent articulation of it.
Dearest MOTHEROFAMUTHA,
I am grateful for your wise words. I have been struggling with emotional pain of accepting the adult my daughter has chosen to be.
Your words comfort me and affirm my instinct, that is to follow my moral compass of integrity, honor, respect, empathy, and kindness… in spite of cruel nonsensical manipulations. It is always been the only solution for me, but it has not stopped me from feeling hurt, wanting connection, and being isolated.
Your words remind me that it is a battle for the betterment of her soul, and to perservere, even while she is an adult. You are right, b/c in her moments when she loses control, she seems to need my determination and boundries. It seems to calm her like a touchstone. But I will say, b/c it is adversarial rather than mutually sharing/connecting, it is a very lonely life.
Please share your outcome of your battle to give your child a better example of dignity and humanity.
Most respectful regards
Katy
Dear MOTHER,
Thank you sincerely for your kind, heartfelt post. Intellectually I know you are so right, but right now I wish I had just my son have the damn bike – this is so painful.
I know that would have added to his manipulations – but maybe I should should have laid back until custody was official. But 3 years and counting is a long time in limbo.
I have not always held my words when is comes to his dad. I have held son accountable for repeating the behaviors his father displays to me – contempt, disrespect etc.
While my daughter has better assessed her father’s behavior and is at an age where she seeks validation that it isn’t her at 17 1/2 – actually she knew at 13/14 yrs old – my son is not as sophisticated and does not want to accept his father’s behaviors aren’t expemplary.
By what you say, I have made a grave mistake. I had lied to my kidsd so many years about their dads comings and goings my daughter had lost respect for me and I didn’t want to make the same mistakes again. Yet my son is not ready to see the truth .
I have to hope the Judge (a woman) will enforce the agreement N would not sign although he worked at it with us.
There are so many stories here that scare me- I am so tired of these broken emotions and trying to hold on – it’s been 25 years .
Newlife;
Mothers words are so perfect! (Thank you and Welcome Motherofamutha!!!)
I couldn’t help but remember when my kids were kidnapped by thier father…….and I felt what you are feeling currently.
First know…..WE ARE NOT PERFECT! There is always so much we can do differently as parents……and this is why we are offered ‘one more day’….
As mothers, it is our responsibility to teach our children….to become the adults and citizens we expect in the world.
By virtue of having a toxic father, the bag lays with us to be strong and set the examples for our children. We are their parent, they need structufre, discipline and guidance. We are not their friends.
During the time my children were gone…….I had no choice to learn about faith. I was told by my friends, who were holding my hand during those 3.5 months……EB….you’ve raised your kids well, shown them respect, demanded it from them towards you and others, set good examples for them, and loved them unconditionally. You’ve been there for them…..they will come back.
At first…..In my paralyzation state…….I thought yeah….BUT….it’s like gambling on the roulette table….RED OR BLACK. it’s 50-50. I could lose my kids forever to their deceptive and manipulative father…..because he’s more ‘fun’.
The more I sat in paralyzation……and thought about it…..I realized….ya know, my friends are right. I have to have faith.
YES, I expected them to do homework, eat dinner before dessert, not ride a bike without a helmet, disciplined for wrongdoings etc……I was the ‘heavy hammer’. Dad is ‘fun’…..with no rules.
KIDS FLOCK TO RULES! And eventually, my kids came to their own conclusions about the lies their spath father and toxic manipulative G. Parents were feeding them about me. They saw it on their own.
Prior to this, I was thinking…..damn, how do I disprove these lies to my kids…..they wouldn’t talk to me, I was completely cut off. I was going through my treatments at the time also. Spath was telling kids…..moms faking being sick, she’s really mentally ill. THEN……jr called….when I saw caller ID I was THRILLED! I answered to him saying…..I want my dog! WTF? You ain’t taking the dog too!!!! I thought.
Jr asked my why my voice was so low and ‘down’……I said I had just had another treatment that morning and the dog was not here. He replied…..Mom….that’s enough….we all know the truth, why are you continueing to do this? Dad is coming over to get the dog.
I told him NO, the dog was not here and they were being fed a load of BS and one day they will see it!
When spath started bragging about me getting accepted to MD Anderson Cancer center…….(As if it was the pulitzer prize or something)……Jr asked……why is she going there if she’s faking it? The kids knew all about MDA, they had a 10 year old friend who passed away there, after gong back and forth for cancer treatments for 4 years!!!
That blew the lid off his lies…….
Anyways……as mothers, we have a lot to face. My point is…..I realized at that time, what the true meaning of “TOUGH LOVE” meant.
I had heard it as naseum…….for years……but never really ‘got’ the meaning….until that time!
Tough Love is on ‘us’……..it’s tough to love our kids enough to do the ‘right’ thing….NO MATTER HOW HARD on us. This is the ‘tough’ part. It’s horrid….and makes you second guess yourself and leaves you in so much pain and disturbance.
Yes, it would have been easier in the beginning to give Jr his bike……but, that wasn’t the deal you worked out with him. And the back end of that decision would have taught him your word means nothing….and he can throw a tantrum and get his way. There is ALWAYS a price to pay!!! Trust me, you can’t parent that way. You have to honor your parenting and your child. And you did.
It wasn’t about the bike…..it’s about being the kind of parent you are and your expectation of the kind of person you want jr to become. Jr’s looking for a Strong, stern and parental mother…..setting an example for Jr.
Life has rules we ALL must follow. And this was just one of those examples.
He WILL come back. He WILL see his father as what he is. As motherofamuther said…..you have to ride this one out. Custody or not…..HE WILL COME BACK!!!! Bite off little bites, don’t look at the forever ‘possibilities’. And keep in mind…..99% of what we worry about and fear NEVER happens. So just don’t ‘go there’!
Have faith in yourself and how you’ve raised your kids…….Lessons are valuable….Bikes are just bikes. Fun for now….he won for now….Jr’s the almighty ruler…..FOR NOW.
But he WILL realize, when Daddy-0 stops playing disneyland dad….and buying Jr’s love…..Jr will get bored of the ‘stuff’ and want the structure…..
Trust me when I say……There is a lesson in everything..>EVERYTHING. And EVERYTHING happens for a reason!
There will be things that you will see come from this side journey that will benefit BOTH of you immensly.
You have to trust…..the process! And I know, right now, it’s very difficult.
HAVE FAITH MY DEAR!!!!
XXOO
EB
Motherofamutha;
Thank you for your post! Beautiful and concise!
You post will help many who are facing these types of situations with their children.
We must continue to parent as we have……no matter the challenges which arrise.
Thank you again, and welcome to LF.
XXOO
EB
Dear Mother of a mutha,
I love your nick name! I can tell for sure that you have BEEN THERE with raising a beautiful child that morphed into a monster. Good advice to New Life.
Dear Lonewolf,
Thank you for your kind words re: my posts…and I’m glad that you found LoveFraud….knowledge is the best weapon we have against their attacks, so read and learn, go back through the archives and learn all you can about the psychopaths….separate the love you have/had for your parents and older sister when you were little from the people that they are (or became). Make a life for yourself, love yourself, and try to avoid their drama as much as you can. NC NC. God bless.
TO NEWLIFE08:
WOW. 25 years is a long time. Will seem even longer when you’re down or things are not going your way. It looks like everyone in your family has been damaged directly/indirectly because of this tug-of-war, and it seems 50/50 that the court system could help/harm your family’s situation. You might not want to hear this, but if your ex (or your son speaking on his behalf) is able to prove emotional/mental instability on your part, it’s possible he could convince an inexperienced or naive judge that he’s safer with his father.
You know how you’ve been seeking therapy for your son? Maybe it’s time you did so 4 yourself, not just 4 your healing, but also 2 show courts you’re willing 2 do whatever’s necessary 4 the well-being of your son. Be proactive, rather than reactive; in other words get control of the situation yourself and work it in your family’s favor (families always bloom when parent is content, even-tempered, and capable – even single-parent ones) rather than waiting for him to make it look like you can’t handle life’s pressures.
In my particular situation, I moved out of state and went on welfare so that no one but me could raise my family (I had 2 other younger children who, sad to say, needed protection from their older brother). From the time he could understand me, I let him know that I was there for him and would help him anyway I could, and would protect him from other children/adults who just couldn’t get him, but I wouldn’t take any stuff from him. If he wanted 2 talk, he had to be polite, even when we disagreed; if he didn’t I ignored him until he stopped then gave him the option 2 either work it out or drop it. Kept doing it with everything, because it seemed EVERYTHING small and large was up for fighting. It was so tiring; I totally understand the feeling of wanting to give up or give in just 2 make it stop, but it doesn’t because depending on how bad the sociopath is, he/she doesn’t get tired of it; it’s almost like a shot of “5-hour energy” or something!! I thoroughly believe they get off on it. Lots of history, lots of years later, looked like he was finally coming around, making positive choices/decisions, but it was short-lived and he hurt my 75-yr old mother in the process of “getting his life together” which was the last straw 4 me (I told him upfront as long as he didn’t hurt her, whichever way his decisions played out wouldn’t have negative repercussions between us, but if he did ANYTHING to my mom ((who’s sickly and has almost died twice within the past 2 yrs)) then I would have 2 turn my back on him, which he forced me 2 do eventually. We haven’t contacted eachother for over 8 mos. now. He knows that the only way I’d even talk 2 him at all is if he’s a totally different person, a born-again Christian is what I told him! He knows I mean it. Might not ever happen in my lifetime. Made my peace with it a long time ago.
Which brings me to you; you have GOT to find a way to grieve the loss of a “regular”, happy family, however you pictured it in your mind, and accept what you do have so that you can figure out how 2 make the most of it while you can, especially since your son is relatively young. I used 2 cry myself 2 sleep after I knew my children were in dreamland (small apt.); that’s how I coped. Everything that was going wrong, or that was rotten, or unfair, if I wanted to curse about it, I did; if I wanted to complain, I did; if I wanted to whine, I did; no one was there 2 tell me 2 stop, or that it would get better (I KNEW THAT IT WOULD GET WORSE BEFORE IT GOT BETTER); I punched out whatever I wanted to, and screamed into my pillow however many times I needed 2; but in the morning, I put my game face on and went about my family’s business and NEVER let my children see me fall apart. Sadness, sometimes, yes. They need 2 know you’re human too. Tiredness, rarely, yes. But NEVER defeated. And I NEVER let them believe they were unlovable, or a mistake, or a burden, even my eldest. Even when he grew older, that was a constant in our relationship.
Keep writing here. I was blown away with all the compassionate people that are trying 2 help you on this site. They have good advice, and could be a good shoulder 2 cry on. But please, try to get some help 4 yourself. Show the courts and your children that it’s okay to reach out for help when you need it.
MOTHER, ERIN B – OUR FAMILY HERE,
MOTHER,
I do see a counselor – a specialist in N/S which has brought me through thus far. Kids have seen him too. N just objected to the expert so Tuesday we started “family” counseling as that is all that will help my kids. If the kids go alone – dad will unravel it all. He still may.
He has declared our son is now living with him and refuses to pay any support now. I would think the judge will view N as a bit of a renegade as to just DECLARE he is in charge and has suspended support – kind of makes him look like MONEY was his goal and not our son .
However, along the way I have had my moments with him where he pushed my buttons too far – he is demanding, a bully, doesn’t do what he should for the kids- and has devastated us financially where only 6 years ago we had a chance to really do well.
He is selfish, a pathological liar and at times I just can’t hold it in anymore. However, he never recorded calls where they atarted or a conversation that went well,
I saw my son last night for 3 hours and now the N/S says I can see him Sunday a few hours. I am entitled to what he had which was midweek and every other weekend.
We had a good time but he did go back to his father’s house.
We went down to the boat dock and got his new fishing pole N in the water – and we dropped some lines for awhile.
So now the N not only tries to break me by taking my son – he will crush me financially now with no support.
Hopefully he has gone too far for even the courts to tolerate.
Son tells me last night he is watching Comedy Central and he was full of dirty jokes – I had to stop him from sharing too much – just enough for me to know he watched the show for quite a bit of time.
He told me his new bike he got- which started this big blowup – is going back to the store because a few parts are broken already. And he says he is not going to get another one.
So we talked a bit of why he was SO obsessed about the bike , he ran away to his dad’s , got dad to get the bike , it broke and now has no meaning. To me, another other kid would be scrambling to exchange it or pick another one.
I would really like feedback on this – how does he go from OBSESSION for weeks to now it means nothing?
This behavior has happened before and along with the lying, changing of reality, lack of impulse control and difficulty handling frustrations – sometimes it’s hard to know where adolescence is playing a part, learned behaviors from dad , genetics or a combination of all.
Son does have a caring heart, is empathic but changing these days. Last night he was himself – not cold like in front of his father. He had hugs , kisses and I love you’s for me – and me for him.
Please – pray the court does not give him to N full time – I just want custody but will be reasonable with parenting time.
I have a good job and position, a good salary, have kept up with the home and my daughter is an Honor Society student, I don’t date, have good friends, no debt, no alcohol or drug issues.
N however, – well that’s a laundry list .
Pray for God’s favor, please .
Outside of the recordings – there is nothing else to point to.
Dear New Life,
Sugar I pray for you and for all of us in these horrible situations. I wish I could tell you what is the future for your son, but only God knows at this point…this may be a “teenaged hickup” or it may be the start of psychopathy.
As for the bike…sometimes kids seem to me to just get it in their head that they “will be happy if they have X, Y or Z” but then they get it and they really aren’t any happier…it loses its glitz and glitter and they don’t want it any more, they now want A, B or C. Is your son ADD, or ADHD by any chance?
When you say “family counseling” does Daddy go to those as well as you and the kids? My God that could be a night mare!
I hope that you have a digital tape recorder and keep it in your pocket at all times when you are around your X…sooner or later it might pay off big time if you can “nicely” push his buttons so he will go off. Might at least trump his tapes! (being more recent). God bless. (((hugs)))
Motherof a Mutha,
Well, my psychopathic son can quote scripture right along with the best preacher and Satan himself….sounds like he is St. Peter preaching to you to save your soul….and it is all a FAKE. He has no conscience and no empathy, only greed and malice, wrath and a thirst for revenge. With mine it started really showing up when he hit puberty and the testosterone hit.
He knows how to play the game. Prison has given him a PhD is psychopathic game playing.