Today, July 4th, is Independence Day in the United States of America. On this day 235 years ago, the country’s forefathers declared independence from the tyranny of a distant king. Today, let us all declare independence from the tyranny of sociopaths.
Declaring independence, of course, is only the beginning of the struggle. In 1776, the tyrant did not want to lose a prized possession—the Colonies—and retaliated by sending an army. The Colonists who believed in independence had no choice but to fight, even though most had little experience—they were farmers, tradesmen and laborers. But they learned how to fight. It took five years, many battles and many hardships, but in the end, the United States of America emerged victorious.
What can we learn from those Colonists that we can use in our own battles? The early Americans believed in themselves, believed in their cause, and did not give up. Oh, they suffered defeats, but they retreated, regrouped, and fought again. They learned from their mistakes, found allies and kept going.
If you’re doing battle with a sociopath—and make no mistake, any interaction is a battle—here are some strategies that will help you:
1. Know your enemy. Be brutally honest in evaluating the sociopath in your life. Remember: The sociopath never loved you. All you ever were to him or her was a source of supply. Once you get over the shock of their soullessness, you’ll begin to see the patterns of their actions. This will enable you to predict what they will do, and plan accordingly.
2. Never underestimate the sociopath. Do not anticipate that the sociopath will act as you, a person capable of love and empathy, would act. The sociopath has no concern for your emotions, your feelings and your welfare. Without empathy or a conscience, the sociopath is capable of doing anything, even the unthinkable, to get what he or she wants, which is to win.
3. Conserve your own resources. You can’t fight if you are sick or injured, so do your best to take care of yourself. Eat right; avoid drugs and alcohol; get enough rest. If you are suffering from anxiety or depression, a good way to relieve them is through exercise. Be gentle with yourself as you recover from trauma.
4. Plan strategically. Figure out what you really want and need, and figure out a way to get them. Never let the sociopath know your plans. If you are living with the person and need to escape, prepare a getaway bag and leave when he or she is not around. If you are going to court, keep careful records and document everything that happens. Keep in mind that you may need to use subterfuge and diversion to execute your plans.
5. Pick your battles. Determine what is really important to you, and what you can let go of. Your life and health are important; you may need to give up on recovering your money, saving your reputation or seeing justice done—at least for the time being. Only take on the battles that are vitally important at the moment.
6. Use overwhelming force. If you do have an opportunity to serve justice, go after the sociopath with everything you’ve got. Do not play nice; do not hold back. The harder you hit, the more likely your chances of success.
7. Seek peace. Remember, the only life you absolutely, positively can influence is your own. Your ultimate objective should be your peace of mind and peace of heart. Achieving it may mean letting go of material goods, people and past traumas. You may need to redefine yourself and how you relate to the world. If you can get to a place of tranquility, you are victorious.
OXY<
Thanks OXY – yes – I do wonder if these are hiccups, a sign of genetics – and YES he is ADHD.
Family counseling – yup the whole crew- cause if we don't go together, his dad can stay covert. This way, he tends to unravel and speak too freely about his beliefs which can be off the wall. That's what the lawyer says and my own tends to agree – so here we go – and it's gonna be quite a ride.
I thought about recording myself ….. you think I should ?
I do have voice mails he left me that are very bullyish and insulting .
Dear Newlife,
ABSOLUTELY keep- them, in fact, make copies and keep in a safe deposit box. Keep copies of the voice mails as well. If you can get the therapist to record the sessions that might be a + as well, but if not, they have to keep notes.
ADHD is commonly found in people who are psychopaths as well as bi-polar, and some of the “symptoms” of each of these three things can over lap as well. MY older son is ADHD but not psychopath, but is pretty dysfunctional, though he does work and support himself. I suspect he may be bi-polar at least to a lesser degree than some.
My Psychopathic son is not ADHD but I am not sure if he is bi-polar or not as I haven’t been around him since he was 17 except for a few hours during prison visits over the years.
The psychopath my P son sent to kill us was all three, ADHD, Bi-Polar and diagnosed ASPD (psychopath).
It is difficult to tell where ADHD and teenage rebellion begin and end, and also psychopathy as well…with the testosterone kicking in at the same time, even some “normal” kids who are NOT ADHD or have any genetics toward psychopathy or bi-polar are pretty horrible during that teenage transition! LOL
Just do the best you can, don’t beat yourself up for not being “perfect” (none of us are) and accept whatever the results are.
(The last part of that is the most difficult, but you can do it!) God bless.
Twice Betrayed, Duped, Constantine and Ox Drover
Thank you so much for your lovely welcome and kind words. 🙂
Totally agree the need to hold onto a sense of self, but it is really hard when evil sis and other spaths have taken away pretty much everything from me but my sense of dignity.
However, I do feel if I CAN survive this awful legal/financial/psych battle.. the real, whole, me can flourish and that may lead to some good stuff..but it is IF and things have been so awful for so long. (when i say if i mean real practical stuff like i could end up on the streets or in prison thanks to spath..)
I just watched the last episode of US family drama “Brothers and Sisters” (liking to view what i never had.. kinda beautiful torture) and Sally Fields character came out with a great famous persons quote right at the end: “It’s never too late to be what you could have been. ” 🙂
Access to counselling has been hard due to finances and the cutbacks in NHS mental healthcare here in the UK in recent years.. got cut off from seeing a psychiatrist every two months with no notice which was awful.. Am on the waiting list at a charity…Also have had some bad experiences like my last therapist siding with the spath!!! She hit me with this after i had been seeing her for two years…i guess as she had her own issues.. that hurt as i had told her all this stuff..I might treat myself to a telephone consult with Donna if i can run to it. 🙂 Don’t care she is not a therapist..a therapist with no understanding is what can harm recovery, not someone who gets it!
NC…man i finally knew i had to do this years ago but couldn’t as spath had total control of, and access to, my mother..and know can’t have NC due to her trying to throw out my inheritance claim..i mean it is all via lawyers but it is the same vitriolic and projecting stuff..just slightly better written. 🙁
I would just like to ask you guys.. i would like to tell more of my story so i can get both some practical thoughts and a bit more support.. As the legal prob is my current arena battle, and I bought the “Legal Abuse Syndrome” book and am finding it helpful.. should i post my story there..? or here still? Or somewhere else?
Thanks for your help thus far. God bless. xx
Dear Wolf,
You can post your story anywhere you feel comfortable….just post away on whatever thread you choose. No one will criticize you for it. It might help for us to know more about what is going on with you for us to come up with any suggestions that might be helpful.
Some of the posters here are in the UK and some in other places so laws are different in different places and what is available is different in the way of helps.
Just keep in mind that none of us are qualified to offer legal advice, only advice of a friend but we will be behind you every way we can. Good luck!
Thanks Ox Drover!
Just to clarify.. i wasn’t asking for legal advice as such, as I have, I think, quite a good lawyer.. but he doesn’t quite get sociopathy.. so i was meaning more the best psychological approach to take in dealing with “the other side” once i have been given the legal advice at each stage of this tortuous process..so it is more learning from other people who have had legal dealings with spaths..but mostly emotional support from others who have been there in dealing with an spath…whether it led to legal probs or not.. as i find normal people don’t get it.. i don’t think they mean to not listen and say dumb stuff…just that my experiences are way outside their level of awareness..for that they are lucky!
I will write more when i have the energy..thank you for the encouragement. xx
Request:
While I give all the glory to God for rescuing me from the fear that once HELD me captive, I would still appreciate a critique of my response following Jerkface’s proposal.
I need to reply by 7 pm central, so he knows I will meet him tomorrow at 6pm.
“FAD,
Today I received some new/updated information regarding my new position/employer.
Employer:
[ ]
Position/Title:
[ ]
$an hour
Nights/Weekends 3pm-11pm
My start date/orientation will be Monday July 18th during the day. At the end of that day I was told I will find out what days I will have off. The way it looks, I think I will be having Wednesday and Thursdays off.
With that said, we can resume our “normal schedule” until I start on July 18th and find my schedule out. I will meet you on Friday July 8th at 6pm.
I would also like to have my 2 make-up days before I start my new job. As you know, I lost 2 days on June 18th & 19th due to my old job with you watching Jr. for me. I would like to have Jr. at 6:20am on Wednesday July 13th instead of 3:30pm…and I would return him to you like normal on Thursday morning at 6:20am. Then on Friday July 15th, I would like to have Jr. at 6:20am instead of 3:30pm and then return him to you like normal on Monday July 18th 6:20am.
Once I can confirm the 2 days I will have off, we will need to come to an agreement of the times/days Jr. will be with me each week. Since I will be working nights I will no longer be able to get Jr. on my last day of work at 3:30pm, have him for the 2 days I have off, and bring him back to you the day I go back at 6:20am per agreement. What I was thinking is for instance if I do in fact have Wednesdays and Thursdays off, I can pick Jr. up at 6:20am on Wednesday and return him to you before I go back to work on Friday around 1:45-2pm. This time is an estimate as I do not know if they want me to be at work 15 minutes early and how long it will take me to get there, park, and walk in.
I would also like to continue to watch Jr. when you start back up at work, since I will be home during the day. I would like to watch him everyday…if you still do not agree with that, then for the time being Jr. only attending day care 2 days a week.
When you go back to work, since I would have to leave for work right before you get out, Jerkette can meet you to bring Jr. back to you, so I do not loose out on any more time.
Please confirm.
Jerkface”
(BTW Jerkette works till 3pm. So this must be his dream schedule.)
“Jerkface,
I am confirming our exchange tomorrow at 6 pm.
According to the agreement make-up time is required in instances where you lose an entire day of parenting time. You had Jr. Friday through Monday with the exception of the few hours I watched him. However, I see that my vacation time leads to you not seeing Jr. for a period of more than 10 days. I will give Jr. to you at 6:20 am this Wednesday for that. (this is according to the agreement)
I have a few considerations for when you return to work:
1. If you want to exchange Jr. at 1:45 on Fridays, when will he nap? 11:30-…?
2. Will Jerkette be coming home before 2pm to watch Jr. until our Exchange at 3:30? (When I return to work, I will not be able to pick up Jr. until 3:30 at the earliest; due to my new work schedule being 7:40-2:40 instead of 7:25-2:25.)
To eliminate this necessity, I suggest that you have Jr. on your days off, and Jr. be at day care Monday, Tuesday and Friday. So that Jr. can get a nap, uninterrupted by an exchange on Fridays, you could bring him to day care later, but in time for lunch and nap.
FAD”
Thanks : )
P.S. This is Jerkface’s second job since being unemployed for 6 months. He started the last one June 14, and quit on July 1 to take a Stay-cation this week. His new job does not start until July 18…creep!
Note #4: SAVE every thing…tuck it away. I burned, tore, shredded, dumped, deleted things that brought back bad memories. I WISH I had saved these things for court.
A warning to add to #6:
The Spath will use his false emotions to try make you look (to others) and feel “bad” for being so “mean”.
Skylar, EB,
Any thoughts on the above?
Thanks again.
FAD
FAD, he is going to “nickle and dime you to death” over every single minute of every single day with his DETAILS and he has found his way to do it through his job and timing and his insistence on being “to the letter” of every second of his “parenting time”—
Everything is about HIS CONVENIENCE AND HIS TIMING and so on. I really don’t know how to put a stop to this tit for tat crap he is continually pulling just to pull your chain.
Ox,
One word for you: Yep.
Ya know what’s really upsetting (really) about his requests for additional parenting time?
I have not seen my baby since LAST Wednesday. Due, of course to the continued manipulations of the schedule, every time he starts a new job, quits and then starts another.
THAT is unconscionable! That Jerkface would have Jr. for such a long period of time and ASK me for more. Yep. He stabbed me when he decided to take his vacation, twisted it when he offered for me to watch him for two afternoons, and reneged when he quit his job to go on vacation, and twists it again when he asks for MORE time.
I can’t imagine many mothers every plan or foresee a time when they will be without their child for more than 5 days.
When Jr. was born I could not have dreamed of spending even 24 hours without him.
Thank GOD for my peace.