Today, July 4th, is Independence Day in the United States of America. On this day 235 years ago, the country’s forefathers declared independence from the tyranny of a distant king. Today, let us all declare independence from the tyranny of sociopaths.
Declaring independence, of course, is only the beginning of the struggle. In 1776, the tyrant did not want to lose a prized possession—the Colonies—and retaliated by sending an army. The Colonists who believed in independence had no choice but to fight, even though most had little experience—they were farmers, tradesmen and laborers. But they learned how to fight. It took five years, many battles and many hardships, but in the end, the United States of America emerged victorious.
What can we learn from those Colonists that we can use in our own battles? The early Americans believed in themselves, believed in their cause, and did not give up. Oh, they suffered defeats, but they retreated, regrouped, and fought again. They learned from their mistakes, found allies and kept going.
If you’re doing battle with a sociopath—and make no mistake, any interaction is a battle—here are some strategies that will help you:
1. Know your enemy. Be brutally honest in evaluating the sociopath in your life. Remember: The sociopath never loved you. All you ever were to him or her was a source of supply. Once you get over the shock of their soullessness, you’ll begin to see the patterns of their actions. This will enable you to predict what they will do, and plan accordingly.
2. Never underestimate the sociopath. Do not anticipate that the sociopath will act as you, a person capable of love and empathy, would act. The sociopath has no concern for your emotions, your feelings and your welfare. Without empathy or a conscience, the sociopath is capable of doing anything, even the unthinkable, to get what he or she wants, which is to win.
3. Conserve your own resources. You can’t fight if you are sick or injured, so do your best to take care of yourself. Eat right; avoid drugs and alcohol; get enough rest. If you are suffering from anxiety or depression, a good way to relieve them is through exercise. Be gentle with yourself as you recover from trauma.
4. Plan strategically. Figure out what you really want and need, and figure out a way to get them. Never let the sociopath know your plans. If you are living with the person and need to escape, prepare a getaway bag and leave when he or she is not around. If you are going to court, keep careful records and document everything that happens. Keep in mind that you may need to use subterfuge and diversion to execute your plans.
5. Pick your battles. Determine what is really important to you, and what you can let go of. Your life and health are important; you may need to give up on recovering your money, saving your reputation or seeing justice done—at least for the time being. Only take on the battles that are vitally important at the moment.
6. Use overwhelming force. If you do have an opportunity to serve justice, go after the sociopath with everything you’ve got. Do not play nice; do not hold back. The harder you hit, the more likely your chances of success.
7. Seek peace. Remember, the only life you absolutely, positively can influence is your own. Your ultimate objective should be your peace of mind and peace of heart. Achieving it may mean letting go of material goods, people and past traumas. You may need to redefine yourself and how you relate to the world. If you can get to a place of tranquility, you are victorious.
TO NEWLIFE08:
It’s a very definite possibility that ADD/ADHD/bi-polar could be part of his problems; my eldest a classic case of ADHD back when doctors were trying 2 figure out what exactly ADHD was & how 2 treat it. He’s also a pathological liar, compulsive like crazy, and also has learning disabilities. He also fixates on things, people, ideas, and plans. Ask therapist if it’s possible 2 test for these conditions; at the very least you’ll have some idea as 2 what you’re dealing with.
Family therapy is as good as the therapist. We’ve had really good ones, ones that are just collecting a paycheck, and really burnt-out ones. Don’t settle for less; even a court-appointed therapist can be changed if they’re inept or ineffective.
TO OXDROVER:
Yeah, I know; you don’t have to be a psychopath to quote scripture, or fake being a Christian. I’m talking about things that come from the heart that can’t be faked 24/7/365; sooner or later (usually sooner) the mask cracks, or the tongue slips; I already know what 2 look out 4; he can’t fool me that way; thanks, tho, 4 the head’s up 😀
THE WORD IS: INCUBUS.
Incubus…I think that is what mine is/was.
EB,
WOW! You so deserve this!!! Congrats! TOWANDA. WOOOO-Whoooooo!!!
Louise,
Jr. is 3. We have been (officially) separated since Jr. was 1 year.
For those of you following this, I thought you may enjoy this:
My comments in ( ).
FAD,
Regarding make-up time per agreement, it appears that I did in fact lose a “full day” of parenting time with Jr. on Saturday June 18th and Sunday June 19th. I did not arrive home until 4pm each day, which is to be considered a “full day” of parenting time. The agreement does not specify how many hours actually make up a “full day.” Working 8 hours a day is a full day as far as I am concerned. It was not my fault that I got called in to work on my scheduled weekend with Jr., especially on Father’s Day. It was not my choice to work these days. Therefore, you should not be penalizing Jr. and I for this. Since I have been unemployed for 6 months, and finally got a new job, I cannot just tell them I cannot work. This is a great example of something we should be working on together to ensure Jr. and I have the time we were suppose to have. You watched Jr. for me, so you had extra time with him on “My custodial weekend and holiday”.
(If he wanted make-up time he should have given Jr. to me the FULL weekend. Then we could have switched weekends.)
As such, you are the one who stated in your email on March 19th that, “Maybe you and I should also see a co-parenting counselor, to help resolve the co-parenting issues that may be causing Jr. s stress.” Yet your refusal to allow me to make-up time with our son is proving to be one of the many classic examples of how you are not willing to effectively co-parent. You keep on taking and taking, but never give back whatsoever.
(He has had Jr. for 9 days, and is asking for extra time, like I don’t love and miss Jr.)
As is, you already have Jr. more than me, and now you still want to take more time away from Jr. and I on my scheduled time. Plus, you have him all summer long on top of that. You constantly denied Jr. and I time from the start, and it continues to happen. It would not hurt you to allow Jr. to see me the extra hours that I am requesting on Wednesday and Friday. If your not willing to cooperate, then we can get the attorneys and law guardian involved and simply go back to court.
(He had Jr. more than I for the last 6 months.)
You are so caught up in this agreement, but you do not even know what it actually states. If you read it, if I am not going to see Jr. for 10 days or more I get an EXTRA overnight AFTER the vacation. Since I am working nights I cannot get an overnight,(* exactly )so it is obvious we have to have the time during the day. EXTRA means not on a day I am already scheduled to have him. Why did you offer to get him early for make-up time in his previous e-mail? It does not make sense to have Jr. more time before your vacation when it is already my time anyway and it is not AFTER per agreement. With that said, I would like to have Jr. after your vacation on Saturday July 30th or Sunday July 31st at 6:20am until I go to work around 2pm.
(This is why I offered it to him NOW. He will ACTUALLY get MORE time with Jr. taking him THIS Wednesday 6:20-3:30 pm, than if he takes him Saturday or Sunday from 6:20-2:00 pm. My opinion on this is that he suspects I will still be on vacation these two days, and want to ruin it. This is not true as, according to the “normal weekend schedule”, this would not be his weekend.)
1.Again, Jr.’s nap time will be adjusted accordingly. (This needs to be communicated”will Jr. have napped when I pick him up, or will have have to put him down for his nap?)
2. Yes, Jerkette said she should have no problem getting out early to watch Jr. until you get out, so I do not lose more time.
(This is a selfish request. He is ignoring my question about WHEN Jr. will nap. I am looking for a schedule which will benefit Jr..)
The agreement (addendum) states Jr. is to be in day care 2 days a week, with me having him the other 3 days. I will not bring Jr. to daycare for a 3rd day on Fridays as well, and cut into my time with him, which is constantly taken away by you. (Disparagement.)
Once I have confirmation on what days I will have off, then we will know what 2 days Jr. will be attending day care. I do have a request in to go to the day shift when one comes available, so I may be able to switch back to days before you return to work. (I do not want my parenting time to be thrown all over the place and manipulated every two weeks.) Once it gets closer to September we can confirm the schedules then.
Jerkface,
Regarding the extra overnight after vacation; I am aware that it is intended to be made up after vacation, but I thought it would be in Jr.’s best interest to give you the time now, so that he can stay on his nap schedule. Additionally, you will be able to have more time with him this Wednesday 6:20-3:30 pm than that Saturday or Sunday (6:20-2:00 pm). Before your schedule change I was actually going to give him to you the 29th at 3:30.
Rather than being accusatory and threatening in your communications with me, please review the agreement, and attached addendum. On page 5, line 10, your attorney states that when you become employed , Jr. returns to day care 5 days a week. Furthermore, beginning on line 12, the judge states that, “”once [you] return[s] to employment, all the terms of the settlement agreement apply—
The addendum no-longer applies/has expired due to your employed status. Now our MSA governs. Of course there is language in our agreement which pertains to instances where you work weekends.
FAD”
Do you think he is succeeding in painting me as a case of parental alienation?
Also should I just wait until I get the journal tonight and respond to this carp on Tuesday?
FAD ”“ I have tried to go through your email. Not sure why you are emailing him again though. I thought you were using the journal but maybe I missed something.
Ok. He’s using junior as a pawn and throwing in the ’you did this, now I want that’
I would say counselling is a no no. It’s just a ploy by him to get at you.
So you might ’ruin’ his vacation. Well ha ha he will be inconvenienced. Tough.
Let’s face it, he does not care if/when junior has a nap because the email is all about HIM and what HE wants.
Don’t bargain with him. TELL HIM what suits YOU. Don’t mention that you feel he’s ’accusing/threatening’ you cos that’s spath fodder.
If you can avoid replying to his email you will save yourself a lot of grief. Just put it in the journal.
In my opinion all you need to relay to him is the following sentence only ”.
On page 5, line 10, your attorney states that when you become employed , Jr. returns to day care 5 days a week. Furthermore, beginning on line 12, the judge states that, “”once [you] return[s] to employment, all the terms of the settlement agreement apply—
Keep it factual. Good luck.
Candy,
I only responded by email the first time because I don’t have the journal until I get Jr. Today at 6pm.
I may also have to send this bit via e-mail as he will not have the journal until wednesday, and we have yet to decide if he will be taking Jr. Wed. at 6:20 am or 3:30 pm.
Thank you for your advice.
FAD,
I just got caught up with the blog – I think – and I read your posts. He is just trying to get your attention. All spaths want is attention, servitude, suffering on their behalf, etc…
In other words, they want to know that when they say “jump” you’ll ask “how high?”
He loves how easy it is to get you to respond with all the little details of his fantasy life. Make a schedule for communications. They are to happen only on a set day once a week, in the journal. Nothing in email gets responded to.
Same with Jr.’s schedule. Tell him Jr.’s schedule can only be discussed/changed once every 3 months or once a month or however often you decide suits you, but make it A SET SCHEDULE, so that you aren’t responding to his “emergencies”.
For spaths, it’s very important that others sacrifice their time and energy on the spath’s behalf. I’m serious, they will go out of their way to create crisis after crisis so that they get attention, time and emotions. You would think jerkette would be enough for him, but apparently not. Using set schedules and becoming a boring grey rock that doesn’t respond on demand is the only way to get across to him that you are not SUPPLY any more. You don’t supply on demand you only run on a set schedule and that schedule is set by YOU not a spath.
Edit: I just saw we posted over each other.
You said you only responded by email this time because….
FAD, if you show him that creating a crisis is the way to get you to respond by email, or phone call or whatever, then he’ll arrange that to occur more OFTEN. These sudden changes are not your problem. If the Journal is only exchanged on Tue/Wed, then he needs to plan in advance. His schedule or lack of one is not your problem. You must have your own set schedule and you must let him know you are not flexible.
Emergencies happen. Even employers give employees 10 sick days a year. Add 5 emergency days allotted per year to your agreement and tell him not to use them all up at once! Because there won’t be more. Set strict rules and stick by them.
FAD. Soooooooooo I think all you need to post is what you have written here. All you need to know is if he will be taking junior at 6.30pm or 3.30pm (right?)
Skylar,
Yes. I agree. I see all these things in him.
However, I don’t “jump” I rather wait just a few days to respond. I also pride myself in being able to respond to his 2-3 page rants in 3 short paragraphs or less.
I will check with my attorney on whether I can, “Tell him Jr.’s schedule can only be discussed/changed once every 3 months or once a month or however often you decide suits you, but make it A SET SCHEDULE.”
Candy,
Yes. I can just e-mail him that and write the rest in the journal. Which, BTW, I have pared down even more.
FAD