Recently, Donald Trump made headlines when he publically criticized Anne Hathaway for not sticking by her boyfriend of four years, Raffaello Follieri, following his arrest for fraud and money laundering. Apparently, Trump doesn’t understand the romantic con artist, but that’s OK, neither did I until I was targeted by one. In spite of the best psychiatric training this country has to offer, I fell for, married and had a son with a con man. I filed for divorce when following his arrest, I realized his true nature. So when Trump chastises Hathaway, he also chastises me and other women who have fallen for con men.
In the wake of the destruction left by the con man, I looked within myself for an answer to the “why me?” question. I also sought out other victims to see if there were any patterns to be found in the way romantic con men operate. I was privileged to get to know other duped successful women, both personally and anonymously through a survey conducted with my colleague Sandra L. Brown, M.A. As I read the accounts of Anne Hathaway’s relationship to Raffaello Follieri, I was impressed by the degree to which her story fits the typical pattern in terms of both the players and the game.
First let’s discuss the players. The typical con artist has what psychologist call “psychopathic personality traits.” The con artist is arrogant, confident and a good talker. He is obsessed with the pursuit of power. This obsession when combined with the gift of gab leads to pathological lying. In addition to being motivated by power, con artists are also usually thrill seekers in need of constant excitement.
In the July 14th issue of People Magazine, Follieri is described as “arrogant” and “A guy who wore his confidence like one of his custom suits.” He sought to portray himself as powerful, espousing connections to the Vatican and residence in an apartment previously occupied by Aristotle Onassis. He led an exciting life, socializing with politicians and the wealthy and jet skiing on the French Rivera.
People Magazine also gives us some insight into the personality of Ann Hathaway. She is said to be “sincere and accepting” a “very strong woman” and “a sweet girl.” These words perfectly describe the typical female victim of a romantic con. As we report in our recent book (Women Who Love Psychopaths), the average woman we surveyed is extremely cooperative, tolerant and empathetic. We also found victimized women also seek excitement in their lives. This excitement seeking seems to form the point of connection between con men and their women.
Now the con game. People Magazine states, “She [said she] was put off initially by his arrogance and attitude. He pursued her and within two weeks they were madly in love.” This description could have come from any of the female victims I know. Con artists always move quickly so that their victims are kept off balance. After they talk themselves into women’s lives they entrap them. Women are entrapped by emotional bonds which result from the relationship intensity. As a group, psychopathic con artists are highly sexual and many are sex offenders. Women are also entrapped by social bonds and a sense of loyalty that the con artist often works to foster. Women may enter a state of denial about the relationship that can last years as it appears to have here. This unconscious denial results from not wanting to give up the “dream relationship” and not wanting to admit being the victim of a con.
Because of loyalty and denial, often the relationship does not end until the arrest of the con artist. These men are typically smothering and controlling; this dynamic is also said to have existed in Hathaway’s case. When the con artist finally goes to jail, the victim is free to talk with friends and think for herself. It is only then that reality sets in.
With regard to Donald Trump’s statement, “She hasn’t remained very loyal to him, has she? So when he had plenty of money, she liked him, but then after that, not as good, right?” I agree that successful women are often attracted to con artists because they appear to be rich, powerful and exciting. However, our research shows that women pay dearly for this attraction and the cost of the relationship increases the longer they stay. Most women are harmed in nearly every sphere of their lives: psychologically, emotionally, sexually, socially, occupationally and financially.
I would also like to point out that unlike Ms. Hathaway many women have had children within the context of a romantic con. The con artist is then in a position to use the children to continue to control their mother should she attempt a break-up. The children of these relationships suffer a great deal due to the con man’s erratic behavior. They also inherit genes that put them at risk to become antisocial.
Most women meet psychopathic con men through common friends as Hathaway did. However, internet dating is giving these men easy access to successful women. It is important for women who are adventurous, accepting and compassionate to know that they possess the traits con men look for. These women should also understand that when they seek adventurous, dominant and powerful men, they “are fishing in the pathology pond” as my colleague Sandra Brown, M.A. says. Women who discover they were conned into a relationship should get out as these relationships can be very destructive. The longer a woman sticks by her con man, the more harm she will suffer.
Addendum
Although this story is about con men, there are also con women. These women are just as destructive as their male counterparts in terms of their children and their relatioship partners.
wish we could let anne know about this site….she must feel awful and doesnt need trump to judge her…..who put him in charge???
sure makes you wonder about trumps behind the scenes ethics…i dont follow him enough, but he sure acts with an at least narcissistic personality….his women seem more for show and are usually seen and not heard….thank God his first wife seems to have wised up….eewwwww
Very interesting Dr. Leedom,
When I met my daughters father it was just like that…two weeks later he told me I would be his wife and we were living together in fact we did not leave the house for those two weeks…not even for food. And when we split it was over the abuse…I had called the police a couple of times…the new laws about arresting the abuser were not in tact in 1988. So no arrests were made and of course I was still in love.
Christmas eve he was so nice to me….he asked me if I wanted to go christmas shopping with him….all month he said he had no money….he managed to borrow a couple of thousand from a friend….now this is a man with a million dollar per year gross business. But How would I know…I trusted everything he said….I had an infant child….he wouldn’t have lied, I thought.
We went shopping with our friends and he told me he only had enough money to buy his family gifts. I walked around that mall for hours watching him purchase gifts for his family. He saw that I was upset and he told me the best christmas present I could give to him is to leave tomorrow. I had to put on a face to our friends who were chiropractors. I remember telling Terry I was leaving tommorrow, that Glenn wanted me to leave….She said he probably doesn’t mean it! He did!
When we got home I was so sick with a massive headache…and I asked him to put our daughter to bed. His mother was babysitting so he got extremely angry at me and told his mother to leave with the baby and beat me! Then he left and called the police on me saying I was fighting with him.
During that time I called my family it was close to midnight christmas eve. They were in NJ and I was living in Queens NY. They told me to call the police and they headed out to get me. The police made him bring my daughter back. Glen persisted…lying all the time that I was the problem….they didn’t care…we were not married and he had no rights…thank God!
But now my daughter and I are estranged…she lives with him….where she is attempting a music career herself…and she and I do not get along right now! I feel as though she could care less about me…she is all about herself right now….This relationship caused so much turmoil in my life with all the lies and deception….and nobody wants to hear it…nobody wants to care and help….and it is very difficult to accept all these lies…over and over and over. And it has caused other problems…so I just choose to be without my family. There was just not proper support there! In fact I was blamed in the end for all the problems. When nobody truly understood the depth of the assailant.
What kind of person ruins “Christmas” for another person…he didn’t have to do that!
And than I met a second sociopath….the Con-Artist….All too familiar…why? I though! After many years of therapy I came to understand why? My own mother was very abusive to me…and even though that was years ago as a child….I learned that to be associated with “love”….abuse of children only creates low self-esteem…and poor choices in adult relationships. Acceptance of bad behavior in an effort to have love from that person. Cowaring to unhealthy power and control.
But I did fight back in the best way I knew how….in the courts….and I believe today I have very good news.
Yesterday I was in court about the con-artist “P”….I was exausted at this point….I work two jobs 70 + hour work weeks, paying off my attorneys, I’ve been in court for more than a year with this violation of probation. He was arrested and plead guilty to a fraud theft Aug 2006. He has been behind in his restitution payments attempting to show the courts he cannot pay. I wasn’t sure how it was going to turn out. What I did know is that I wasn’t going down without a fight! I sent letters and letters to everyone I could explaining what I knew about this man and the case history. Fact after fact!
Judge Batten must have spent a long time reviewing all the transcripts of the case as he so eloquently covered the entire process looking for answers. He first discussed what the crime was (2nd degree fraud: Theft by deception in the amount of $275,000). He did discuss the Defendants “ability to pay” and the statues in NJ supporting that. That was when I thought I was going to loose this. Than he said he was unable to find in any file any indication that the Defendant had entered a motion for reconsideration back at the time he had violated his probation. I remember my heart sinking in releaf. I stopped writing and I heard the judge say…I just cannot do this to the victim….and I lost control and broke into tears…I was trying to hide it but the officer of the court made a streamline straight to me with a box of tissues. Everyone was looking now! And I could see that the whole courtroom was involved in the drama and I saw the sorrow on some faces and I lost it. As I was collecting my emotions Judge Batten went on about the Defendants Bankruptcy and Gambling and etc. He said there were several legality problems…first there was no appeal, Silence of the Defendants income, and his attempts to pay. He went over month by month each payment and how some cash and some money orders. He questioned it all! Saying it always concerned him when he was a family court judge and the Defendants were paying with money orders!
In the end he said the Defendant in receiving a favorable plea arrangement with no jail on a 2nd degree crime… if he were to allow him to not pay his restitution it would be as though he would offer him a “double dip”. He again said there was no indication of change of circumstances and denied his motion and violated his probation.
He did however afford the opportuntity to withdraw his plea of guilt and precede to trial reinstating the 2nd degree theft charge. as per State vs. Saperstein 1985.
Please don’t take this the wrong way- I detest con men and women….psychopaths are the scourge of the earth…and I do not blame victims BUT
I have realized we need to see why we were taken in, have to realize what lie we wanted to believe.
I just blogged on this topic– thanks for the post.
http://holywatersalt.blogspot.com
With regard to Donald Trump’s statement, “She hasn’t remained very loyal to him, has she? So when he had plenty of money, she liked him, but then after that, not as good, right?”
It appears to me that Donald Trump isn’t viewing this situation from all sides regarding Ms. Hathaway’s relationship with this con. Apparently HE didn’t have plenty of money or HE wouldn’t be in so much trouble!
She gave him the benefit of the doubt until she learned that he was a LIAR and I’m sure she cared about him very much! What else could she do? She has a legitimate career and this sociopath has conned her like he did everyone else!
This might be a good opportunity for Mr. Trump to share his ideas on spotting someone like Mr. Follieri before they have a chance to ruin so many lives. Mr. Follieri conned many people. THAT’S WHY HE GOT ARRESTED. He’d still be free if he had only concentrated on ruining Ms. Hathaway’s life and stealing all her money.
Holywatersalt,
I read your blog…where did you get all that Info. I think it is important to know where it comes from….I’ve spent quite some time in therapy about it…and that has never been the result for me. It was more of the abuse of my childhood that brought me to this point. The relating love to abuse because of my mother. There was no thrill in the abuse for me! I became very depressed because of the abuse. It didn’t give me any excitement. So I would be careful about that discussion with people who are hurt here. And don’t take that the wrong way either. I’m sure you are looking for your way out too. And we have to be honest with ourselves.
I have had the obnoxious personalities in my life for as long as I’ve been alive. They have come to me in forms of family members, neighbors, friends, teachers, co-workers, employers, professors (changing my grades to get something from me. My work was worth an A but I opted for walking away from these jerks), lovers etc. My involvement with said obnoxious personalities keeps me even more focused on my relationship with God … switching from the human thinking of earthly goals into spiritual essence and all that that entails. God is Love. Everything else is man made illusions.
Oh, and Mr. Trump, how many gorgeous, intelligent, gracious women are you going to marry and discard … until you find your way back to God?
Peace.
Trish not sure what you mean?
I cited Sam V.
Excitement was one benefit of a r/s with psycho, some get love- my psycho was not loving- others imagine they’ll have a life they never imagined….
My psycho was a psuedo intellectual and I thought somehow I was “smart” b/c he blathered on it me…no I was just an ear. Ends up his “theories” mostly conspiracy and one notable taken straight from the Arts section of NYT.
I suspect- b/c psychos are known for charming us more than we ever have been- that we know this is too good to be true, but we want to believe it.
I had to admit the smallness of my life, the mediocrity of my writing in otehrwords I am never going to be among the great
writers or thinkers of our time…psycho made me think knowing him was akin to being friends with say a Picasso.
My life is OK, I am OK.
Answer given me by my spiritual advisor for the question: WHY ME?
But I also understand the need to forgive, to release the offender from responsibility for the way he treated me. I’ve learned an important lesson that Jesus described as follows:
“You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’
But I tell you,
Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you,
they may be sons of your Father in heaven.”
(Mt 5:43-45)
I have learned to pray for God to bless the person(s)
who abused me,
to help him do his/her job well and develop his/her character
to be like Jesus.
Pray blessings on the offender.
It’s what my pastor calls “responding in the opposite spirit.” I have discovered that doing so also helps me, because praying for God to bless that person helps me release him from guilt for his abusive behavior. Any time I sense anger rising up in me toward that person, I immediately pray for God to bless him. Here are some key points:
(1) blessing my offender helps me become like Jesus;
(2) dwelling on my anger and pain strengthens my sinful nature. It’s your choice: you can benefit from your experience and become more like Jesus, or you can allow your experience to make you more ungodly like the people who abused you.
You are not responsible for what those people did to you, but you certainly are responsible for the way you respond.
Peace to your heart and souls.