Recently, Donald Trump made headlines when he publically criticized Anne Hathaway for not sticking by her boyfriend of four years, Raffaello Follieri, following his arrest for fraud and money laundering. Apparently, Trump doesn’t understand the romantic con artist, but that’s OK, neither did I until I was targeted by one. In spite of the best psychiatric training this country has to offer, I fell for, married and had a son with a con man. I filed for divorce when following his arrest, I realized his true nature. So when Trump chastises Hathaway, he also chastises me and other women who have fallen for con men.
In the wake of the destruction left by the con man, I looked within myself for an answer to the “why me?” question. I also sought out other victims to see if there were any patterns to be found in the way romantic con men operate. I was privileged to get to know other duped successful women, both personally and anonymously through a survey conducted with my colleague Sandra L. Brown, M.A. As I read the accounts of Anne Hathaway’s relationship to Raffaello Follieri, I was impressed by the degree to which her story fits the typical pattern in terms of both the players and the game.
First let’s discuss the players. The typical con artist has what psychologist call “psychopathic personality traits.” The con artist is arrogant, confident and a good talker. He is obsessed with the pursuit of power. This obsession when combined with the gift of gab leads to pathological lying. In addition to being motivated by power, con artists are also usually thrill seekers in need of constant excitement.
In the July 14th issue of People Magazine, Follieri is described as “arrogant” and “A guy who wore his confidence like one of his custom suits.” He sought to portray himself as powerful, espousing connections to the Vatican and residence in an apartment previously occupied by Aristotle Onassis. He led an exciting life, socializing with politicians and the wealthy and jet skiing on the French Rivera.
People Magazine also gives us some insight into the personality of Ann Hathaway. She is said to be “sincere and accepting” a “very strong woman” and “a sweet girl.” These words perfectly describe the typical female victim of a romantic con. As we report in our recent book (Women Who Love Psychopaths), the average woman we surveyed is extremely cooperative, tolerant and empathetic. We also found victimized women also seek excitement in their lives. This excitement seeking seems to form the point of connection between con men and their women.
Now the con game. People Magazine states, “She [said she] was put off initially by his arrogance and attitude. He pursued her and within two weeks they were madly in love.” This description could have come from any of the female victims I know. Con artists always move quickly so that their victims are kept off balance. After they talk themselves into women’s lives they entrap them. Women are entrapped by emotional bonds which result from the relationship intensity. As a group, psychopathic con artists are highly sexual and many are sex offenders. Women are also entrapped by social bonds and a sense of loyalty that the con artist often works to foster. Women may enter a state of denial about the relationship that can last years as it appears to have here. This unconscious denial results from not wanting to give up the “dream relationship” and not wanting to admit being the victim of a con.
Because of loyalty and denial, often the relationship does not end until the arrest of the con artist. These men are typically smothering and controlling; this dynamic is also said to have existed in Hathaway’s case. When the con artist finally goes to jail, the victim is free to talk with friends and think for herself. It is only then that reality sets in.
With regard to Donald Trump’s statement, “She hasn’t remained very loyal to him, has she? So when he had plenty of money, she liked him, but then after that, not as good, right?” I agree that successful women are often attracted to con artists because they appear to be rich, powerful and exciting. However, our research shows that women pay dearly for this attraction and the cost of the relationship increases the longer they stay. Most women are harmed in nearly every sphere of their lives: psychologically, emotionally, sexually, socially, occupationally and financially.
I would also like to point out that unlike Ms. Hathaway many women have had children within the context of a romantic con. The con artist is then in a position to use the children to continue to control their mother should she attempt a break-up. The children of these relationships suffer a great deal due to the con man’s erratic behavior. They also inherit genes that put them at risk to become antisocial.
Most women meet psychopathic con men through common friends as Hathaway did. However, internet dating is giving these men easy access to successful women. It is important for women who are adventurous, accepting and compassionate to know that they possess the traits con men look for. These women should also understand that when they seek adventurous, dominant and powerful men, they “are fishing in the pathology pond” as my colleague Sandra Brown, M.A. says. Women who discover they were conned into a relationship should get out as these relationships can be very destructive. The longer a woman sticks by her con man, the more harm she will suffer.
Addendum
Although this story is about con men, there are also con women. These women are just as destructive as their male counterparts in terms of their children and their relatioship partners.
Actually Glinda, Crocodiles would be much better choices for the pits than Alligators. Alligators actually are finiccy eaters, but Crocs will gladly eat people. A pit full of cobras might be nice too. We could probably get the Donald to sell tickets if he got a 60/40 cut! LOL
I wish there was a “National Association” for victims with some high profile person as the spokesperson who had made big media hype. Maybe it would draw some attention that might educate people.
Some of the stories we all know (or have lived through) are “too crazy to be believeable” yet they ARE TRUE. Yet I would be willing to bet that 99.999999% of the public have NO idea what a psychopath is that it can be your grandpa, your neighbor, your doctor, your dentist, your school teacher, etc. That some of the abuse, probably MOST of the abuse, is not physical violence but ruining people’s careers, browbeating a child, subtle emotional assisination. Just the physical beatings and killings done in domestic situations is outrageous and so common, if you factor in the non-physical violence, it seems it runs in every family in the country to some extent, if not every household. It seems almost as if “every family” has one connected to them some how by marriage or blood, or both.
Just going over in my mind the people I know, I can hardly find a family that doesn’t have some pretty dysfunctional crap going on. Or an office that doesn’t seem to have at least one psychopath on staff that keeps the chit stirred up.
Maybe we could recruit The Donald to be the poster boy for the Narcissists. LOL I think he qualifies at least.
I would say that from a much publicized private life, Donald Trump is not exactly the epitome of a scholar on “healthy love” relationships. It’s not hard to imagine that his focus likely comes more from a perspective of “gold digging” women. Hathaway is a well publicized actress, so it seems his “esteemed” opinion more likely is prompted by any additional self promotion his grandiose ego can garner based on nothing but his own personal take of a human condition.
But it does again reinforce the common predisposition for ignoring or missing pathological behavior. I don’t, however, make the jump to chastisement, I see it as just more ignorance. And in this case male ignorance of a black pot failing to acknowledge the black on his own pot, much less is he going to point the finger at another club member.
Dr. Leedom’s discussion of the players and the game I follow except for the repeated use of the word “successful” women. It leads me to ask, what is “successful” and does being successful have anything to do with being conned?
In a physical way of course the more you have accumulated, the more you have for someone else to take. You’re in a position of having more material things to lose and having more risk for a public embarrassment, and the larger the public figure the larger the possibility that the media will turn it into a public “scandal.” There is an added embarrassment (because of old societal standards and stereotypes for women) I think, of a “come uppance” in that how could anyone so smart be so dumb, that holds true for any gender who is seen as “successful” because they are obviously a “juicer” target.
But getting to the heart of the matter, it comes down to one having something that someone else wants. If you’ve placed yourself on an elite platform you may be perceived as having farther to fall but you also have additional resources in which to assist in your rebound.
Does accumulation, intelligence, wealth, notoriety play a part. Obviously not in the end, because it all comes down to the same thing. And it can be an ego equalizer, the realization that you have been used and now independent of any “success,” you still have to pull yourself out of the chaos and then learn, change, and rebuild.
Success to me has come to equate wisdom, and wisdom doesn’t equate to intelligence. Wisdom is a gift from God. We’re all equal in God’s eyes though we are given different gifts and sometimes we receive a reminder of that lesson through our behavior. But Donald Trump’s opinion isn’t one I would use as any sort of gauge or even consider, other than as a good example of bad behavior. Our standard bearer should be Jesus Christ, not Donald Trump.
Benz
QUOTE: OX DROVER: For some “life iin the fast lane” holds out the promise of happiness, and for others the “contentment of a family life” holds out the promise of happiness. I think they sense what ever “golden ring” we want for a prize and hold out that fantasy to us. Excitement is relative to what our dreams and desires are. I’m sure Ivana Trump (whatever her name is now) would not find my life very exciting, but I DO, and that is all that matters to me!
Benz, you put much more clearly what I was trying to say here. “Success” is so relative a term, but one that many equate with power, wealth, media attention, etc. To me, Mother Theresa is much more a “success” than Donald Trump.
Due to my late husband’s job as a corporate pilot (glorified chauffer but a little more status) we have rubbed elbows with many of the “Rich and Famous” and I have a nice note from Pat Nixon when he flew her and Richard on his campaign tour, but in spite of their “fame” and “wealth” in many cases these people were morally poverty stricken, as well as grossly unhappy even though in front of a camera they appeared to have “everything going for them.”
I think in our society, maybe in the world, “success” is equated with power, money and status when those three things are not a “free ticket” to happiness or REAL SUCCESS in life.
It is my personal opinion that The Donald has nothing that I would envy in his life, including his money. Even though my P-bio-father finally made the Forbes 400 list of the richest men in America, it never bought him one ounce of contentment.
What FAST LANE? I was going to work, keeping my head above water for what my bosses and their cronies were doing to destroy my career, paying my bills, paying attorney fees. Some fast lane? You don’t have to be in the fast lane to be screwed over. Maybe he was in the fast lane without my knowledge, but I wasn’t there. Next time, I’ll have to insist that I’m in some fast lane … before it all collapses. Tell me … are any men in existence today with out all this baggage. Tell us now so we know to stay on our own forever more.
And, I think the statistics of how many psychos are really out there in the world today walking around doing their damage is low, low, low. I think the statistics are kept low cause you don’t want to freak us out. Yeah, like we can’t handle it (LOL). But, if they were all colored slime green, we’d be walking in a glow of it, wouldn’t we?
Peace.
If you take Trump’s money from him, and put him out on the streets with the rest of us every day lifers, wonder how many women he could get, considering his looks and that stupid hair- do of his? Many wealthy people seem to think they’ve earned the right to condemn and criticize how the rest of the world lives. God’s word says, godliness with contentment is great gain. I don’t know a lot of contented wealthy people. I have a sister and brother in law, who are millionaires. I think he is contented, but my sister can’t get done shopping. Over eating isn’t the only thing that is considered gluttony. She has closets full of new items and she gives to charities things she no longer wants. But she keeps shopping looking for that one thing that will bring her pleasure. One could take a vacation just being at her house. In ground pool and the works. She’s hardly ever there. I would say she is very discontented. Nothing satisfies.
And she’s the one who will no longer talk with me as she thinks I deserved the treatment I received and insinuated I created my own hell. So, to me, money doesn’t automatically make one an authority on every subject. The Donald Trumps of this world need a lesson in humility. Does he ever look in the mirror and see what the rest of the world sees? He looks like he has a tumble weed on his head.
Dear Free: I’m glad I logged on here. I was thinking I was out of school on the days and that I missed those classes in how to be abusive, not caring, stepping all over people to get where I want to go … stealing, cheating, lying, conniving, sleeping around with everyone, especially the bosses, and who cares attitude.
Glad to read others on this site care about God, ethics, wisdom and that we are all one in the universe.
Peace
I don’t know about your folks, but it takes courage to be a decent person. Anyone can be an a–hole. It takes courage to be righteous. Anyone can take the unrighteous road. It takes courage to tell the truth. Anyone can tell a lie. It takes courage to live with conviction. Anyone can do what they do on their roller coaster ride. I can go on and on with the deductions here (my forte), but it seems to me, more and more people today then ever before are opting to take the COWARDS way out in life. I remember before I left work, the new kids coming in … wouldn’t do a thing except talk on their cell phones all day (can someone tell me please, who they are talking to all day long? And, what do they have to say … my goodness, they just graduated H.S. They collected their paychecks like clockwork and personnel and management never bothered training these kids (whatever happened to training when you entered a company??) … then the famous words I would hear out of most of their mouths … it’s not what you know, it’s who you know. I’m rolling my eyes now … I retorted, well, I’m the only one you know right now … and it’s not working … so I suggest you get that assignment done.
I think everyone is believing the movies and what they see on TV. Thinking this is real life. Because, frankly, I don’t know where everyone is getting these crazy ideas out there …. then there’s all the videos …
Just me.
I’m loving the comments re: Trump. Anyone with that hairstyle and who has the nickname The Donald has to be an N. There is something about him that repels me at a very basic level. I would say he has a reptilian quality but reptiles can be quite nice and I don’t want to insult them.
Years ago when my husband was a young pilot he flew as the personal pilot to many very rich folks. Never for Trump, but for men very much like him. Their only claim to “fame” was great wealth, sometimes earned but mostly by oil under their land or crooked realestate deals etc.,, sometimes by media fame, or music or televison or movies. He even flew Richard Nixon and Pat on their campaign tours, but you know, the majority of them behaved in their private life about like Trump has.
A couple of them started out as “ordinary” people who got rich fast with fame and “stardom” and then started the drugs and women and brought their house of cards and their lives down into a heap of failure.
I seem to remember Dr. Leedom making a comment here that “ordinary” people when they gain power sometimes start to act like P’s—my husband would have testified to that fact!
You can pick up any “media gossip rag” and read about the twisted lives of the “rich and beautiful”—out of wedlock children, drugs, alcohol, multiple “marriages” and “divorces” or squabbles over money. Yet, everyone some how feels like that is a glamorous life? Gimme a break!
“Power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely”
Of course money and fame=power of a sorts, but it is so shallow rooted it will not stand up in the least “storm” of life, instead it seems to attract storms. Every day we can read in the newspapers how our political leaders are corrupt. Look at the sleeze that Bill Clinton brought to the white house. I don’t care if he WAS president of the United States, that kind of behavior is TRASHY to the MAX. I personally think the man and his wife both are psychopaths. In spite of that he did some good things for the country, and some bad things as well.
Unfortunately many of the people in leadership roles in our country are high in psychopathic thinking. In financial circles one only has to look at Enron to see it. Or the sub-prime mortgate scandal, the government recently arrrested 400 for parts in that and are after more, my feeling is that the really BIG DOGS though will get away by using their money and their corrupt connections to somehow slither out of prison for their crimes.
Most of the time the psychopaths that WE deal with are not running in such “high” circles as these are, maybe not damaging so many people as the “high rollers” do with their financial schemes that bankrupt investors, but they still do devestation on a more personal level with us as the brunt of their schemes.
I think most people in the US and probably in the world may label someone a sleeze bag but not realize that what they are dealing with is a psychopath, but when push comes to shove, money, fame and power can allow them to keep on keeping on and most people will just “titter” or laugh but not really “take it seriously.” Just as most of the people we try to talk to about the P-experience just “don’t get it” either.
OxDrover: Good comment about those living in their hollow/superficial/ridiculous egos, breaking God’s first commandment # ONE, “You shall have no other gods before Me”. If living in one’s ego isn’t a false god, I don’t know what is.
“And God spoke all these words, saying: ‘I am the LORD your God”
ONE: ‘You shall have no other gods before Me.’
TWO: ‘You shall not make for yourself a carved image–any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth.’
THREE: ‘You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain.’
FOUR: ‘Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy.’
FIVE: ‘Honor your father and your mother.’
SIX: ‘You shall not murder.’
SEVEN: ‘You shall not commit adultery.’
EIGHT: ‘You shall not steal.’
NINE: ‘You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.’
TEN: ‘You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, nor his male servant, nor his female servant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbor’s.’
Peace.