Recently, Donald Trump made headlines when he publically criticized Anne Hathaway for not sticking by her boyfriend of four years, Raffaello Follieri, following his arrest for fraud and money laundering. Apparently, Trump doesn’t understand the romantic con artist, but that’s OK, neither did I until I was targeted by one. In spite of the best psychiatric training this country has to offer, I fell for, married and had a son with a con man. I filed for divorce when following his arrest, I realized his true nature. So when Trump chastises Hathaway, he also chastises me and other women who have fallen for con men.
In the wake of the destruction left by the con man, I looked within myself for an answer to the “why me?” question. I also sought out other victims to see if there were any patterns to be found in the way romantic con men operate. I was privileged to get to know other duped successful women, both personally and anonymously through a survey conducted with my colleague Sandra L. Brown, M.A. As I read the accounts of Anne Hathaway’s relationship to Raffaello Follieri, I was impressed by the degree to which her story fits the typical pattern in terms of both the players and the game.
First let’s discuss the players. The typical con artist has what psychologist call “psychopathic personality traits.” The con artist is arrogant, confident and a good talker. He is obsessed with the pursuit of power. This obsession when combined with the gift of gab leads to pathological lying. In addition to being motivated by power, con artists are also usually thrill seekers in need of constant excitement.
In the July 14th issue of People Magazine, Follieri is described as “arrogant” and “A guy who wore his confidence like one of his custom suits.” He sought to portray himself as powerful, espousing connections to the Vatican and residence in an apartment previously occupied by Aristotle Onassis. He led an exciting life, socializing with politicians and the wealthy and jet skiing on the French Rivera.
People Magazine also gives us some insight into the personality of Ann Hathaway. She is said to be “sincere and accepting” a “very strong woman” and “a sweet girl.” These words perfectly describe the typical female victim of a romantic con. As we report in our recent book (Women Who Love Psychopaths), the average woman we surveyed is extremely cooperative, tolerant and empathetic. We also found victimized women also seek excitement in their lives. This excitement seeking seems to form the point of connection between con men and their women.
Now the con game. People Magazine states, “She [said she] was put off initially by his arrogance and attitude. He pursued her and within two weeks they were madly in love.” This description could have come from any of the female victims I know. Con artists always move quickly so that their victims are kept off balance. After they talk themselves into women’s lives they entrap them. Women are entrapped by emotional bonds which result from the relationship intensity. As a group, psychopathic con artists are highly sexual and many are sex offenders. Women are also entrapped by social bonds and a sense of loyalty that the con artist often works to foster. Women may enter a state of denial about the relationship that can last years as it appears to have here. This unconscious denial results from not wanting to give up the “dream relationship” and not wanting to admit being the victim of a con.
Because of loyalty and denial, often the relationship does not end until the arrest of the con artist. These men are typically smothering and controlling; this dynamic is also said to have existed in Hathaway’s case. When the con artist finally goes to jail, the victim is free to talk with friends and think for herself. It is only then that reality sets in.
With regard to Donald Trump’s statement, “She hasn’t remained very loyal to him, has she? So when he had plenty of money, she liked him, but then after that, not as good, right?” I agree that successful women are often attracted to con artists because they appear to be rich, powerful and exciting. However, our research shows that women pay dearly for this attraction and the cost of the relationship increases the longer they stay. Most women are harmed in nearly every sphere of their lives: psychologically, emotionally, sexually, socially, occupationally and financially.
I would also like to point out that unlike Ms. Hathaway many women have had children within the context of a romantic con. The con artist is then in a position to use the children to continue to control their mother should she attempt a break-up. The children of these relationships suffer a great deal due to the con man’s erratic behavior. They also inherit genes that put them at risk to become antisocial.
Most women meet psychopathic con men through common friends as Hathaway did. However, internet dating is giving these men easy access to successful women. It is important for women who are adventurous, accepting and compassionate to know that they possess the traits con men look for. These women should also understand that when they seek adventurous, dominant and powerful men, they “are fishing in the pathology pond” as my colleague Sandra Brown, M.A. says. Women who discover they were conned into a relationship should get out as these relationships can be very destructive. The longer a woman sticks by her con man, the more harm she will suffer.
Addendum
Although this story is about con men, there are also con women. These women are just as destructive as their male counterparts in terms of their children and their relatioship partners.
Wini…. I would have everyone over– I can just see us all sitting around the pool, laughing and eating, I am a great cook!!!! I bet there would also be lot’s of hugz and tears but all positive……………
JaneSmith: Yes, it is the simple things in life that are the best … less is more. I too, enjoy my pets (dog, cats and 1 bird … my EX took the other bird what I thought was for a few months to bring him back after traveling on business … which in fact was monkey business … took thousands of dollars worth of my possessions with him … stole money from my bank account … bought himself a house (with my money and his investors money), bought himself new bedroom furniture and leather couches, love seat, chairs … on my dime … How do I know this? He told me, I wasn’t listening or paying attention at the time … the last time we were together he took me to a furniture store up in New Hampshire … he pointed out all the furniture he liked and said … this is what we are going to buy for our house when we marry … in hindsight, he was letting me know what he spent my money on … for his new wife and him … on my dime.
Peace everyone.
henry that’s a great idea. I’ll be there with bells on. In the mean time, enjoy your pool. As you do your laps think of all of us being there with you having fun, playing games, enjoying everyone’s spirit. P.S. we have to play cards too. I love playing cards and board games … along with volley ball, tennis, bocci, darts (now we won’t use them as targets LOL), all these fun activities … sports, horseback riding, hiking … Henry, you throw a great party!
Peace.
Wouldnt it be great, gang, to have something real organised, it was mentioned before and some people expressed their interest. I would have to jump on a plane. It would be great to put faces to pen names wouldnt it?
DEar Jane, Wini, and Henry,
Jane, I wanted all the perks that money could buy when I was a kid, and saw all the people living in the fast lane–I thought that money bought you status and freedom etc. and that all that made you “happy”—having had access to seeing some of the richer people (at that time) in the US, some media and political stars etc., through my late husband’s job and my late P-bio-father I saw that not many of these “rich and famous” people were really all that satisfied and/or happy.
As the years have rolled on, I started to realize what TRUE happiness was concerned with, and money couldn’t buy it.
A couple of years before he died my husband told one of his friends who was also an employee here at the airport, “You know, I have had more happiness here in the last x years than I have ever had in my life” Considering that my husband no longer had the money and “freedom” that he had had previously in his life, that was a BIG statement.
When we first decided to move back to the farm and make our home here we were pretty “poor” by my husband’s former standards. His business had been ripped off by some very wily con men, and my husband was bitter over this P-experience, he had spent what remaining money he had trying to get “justice” in the courts—and so we pretty much had to start from SCRATCH. Which we did. But we pulled together like two horses in harness, and built something together. Nothing fancy or high dollar, but it was OURS and gave us a reason to get up in the morning.
He had what is most pilot’s dreams, a little runway right beside his house. It is a turf strip, not the largest private paved strip in the world (which was what my P-bio father and his 4th or 5th wife had) and the plane was a little two seater, not the 747 my P-bio father had, and our home is quite nice but not huge or fancy, and we built it, not the 20,000 square foot mansion my P-bio father had—but you know what—it contained LOVE and all my P-bio-father’s wealth never could BUY him love, couldnt even “rent it” in most cases. LOL
I joke with people that I am among the “wealthiest 2% of Americans” and that is technically TRUE…If you own your own home and don’t owe any money on it, that does put you in the “wealthiest 2% of people in America” by one statistic. Buy you know how statistics are, a man with one foot on a red hot stove and the other on an ice cube is “statistically” comfortable!!!
The farm isn’t anything that I take credit for owning, I dont’ even feel that I “own” it but that I am just the care-taker of the land for my life time. My ancestors “bought” this land with their blood, sweat and tears, and I am just the steward for my lifetime. So to me that is an OBLIGATION not an asset. My boys feel the same way, and it will either pass on to our biological descendants if we have any more, or to a cause that will benefit others, while preserving the land.
I think that with maturity (not just “getting older” but maturing as people, mentally, emotionally and spiritually) we come to the realization that peace, joy, happiness and love, as well a spiritual growth, is what is important in this world and that no matter HOW much money, fame, adoration, intelligence, talent, etc. that we have, it all comes down to the fact that we die. We leave all material things behind when we leave this earth.
Only a hand full of the billions and billions of people who have ever lived on this earth leave behind even their names or a record of their deeds in the “history” books. Fewer still leave any lasting monuments to their lives.
To me the important things are that we live in such a way that we can look God in the face when our life is done and He says “Well done, thou good and faithful servant” Money can’t buy that. Sure, we should use our money for good if we are able, that is just another of our “talents” that we are to be good stewards over, but in addition our other “talents” for kindness and caring are also to be used well.
I’m not “rich” by the standards of the US, but by the standards of the world as a whole, I am WEALTHY in material blessings. I don’t have to sell one of my daughters into the “slavery” of the “sex worker industry” in order to feed the remaining children, I don’t have to decide which of my kids goes to bed hungry tonight. I don’t have to carry my poor dead child to the city dump to be buried under a thin layer of dirt with the rest of the city’s homeless and believe me, I have SEEN with my OWN EYES that very thing happening. I still can’t get the picture of that child being carried by its father out of my eyes over 40 years later.
Yes, the psychopaths have hurt us, injured us, held out to us the mirror of our fantasies of “true love” and they have taken that away, leaving us falling on the floor crying for what we have “lost”—but in the big scheme of things, we have gained more than we have lost by the experiences, because we have GAINED WISDOM, we have gained the knowledge of our strengths, we have gained our own power back, we have gained an awareness that no matter what we “lose” we still have the most valuable possession of all OUR SOULS. We have gained an understanding of true pain of loss. I think any human who has NOT HAD PAIN is not a complete human is an immature human. How can you truly empathize with another in pain if you have not experienced REAL PAIN.
I think the reason God sent Jesus to die such a horrible death is so that we would KNOW that Jesus DID UNDERSTAND PAIN. It wasn’t just the physical pain he endured, but the emotional pain of being ALONE in his pain. “My God my God, why hath though forsaken me?” Christ was ALONE on that cross, even God was not there for Him. But, when we are in our pain and feeling alone, we are NOT alone in our pain, because God and Jesus are there and THEY DO understand. Jesus’ “friends” deserted Him, the way some of our friends “desert” us when they don’t comprehend how we are hurting. But how can they? They have never truly experienced the depth of “pain” that we experience from the emotional and other losses we have.
Loss and the pain of loss may be “relative” in some ways, but as Viktor Frankl said in “Man’s search for meaning” pain is like a GAS, it completely FILLS whatever vessel it is in, even a small amount of gas completely fills the vessel the same as a large amount of gas does. So while our “pain” may not be of such magnitude as Jesus’ pain on the cross, never the less our whole being is filled with that pain.
It is up to us to find meaning in that pain, find meaning in life, rather than let it drag us down to the level of bitterness and avarice and egocentric thinking and behavior that the psychopaths of this world display.
There is nothing wrong with having money and using it well, even having lots of money, but as the Bible says the ROOT of ALL EVIL IS THE LOVE OF MONEY. If you “love” money and don’t have it, you are unhappy. If you love money above all else and you have it, you use it to try to “buy” happiness and you are still unhappy because nothing you buy really truly makes you “happy.” I think the Trumps of this world are the personification of that Biblical quote.
Oxy If we ever have that (get together), I will know who you are because there is a Halo above your head……
Henry, my dear, there are plenty of people who would argue with you about that! Most would say I have horns and a forked tail! LOL A friend of mine who is about my age and has had a family full of Ps like I have, we call ourselves OSBs and that stands for Old School Bitches!
A couple of years ago I rented my pasture to a neighbor for no cash rent, but he had to do some fence fixing and to keep the fence rows clear of weeds and small trees, and mow the weeds in the pasture a couple of times. I figured it would be a good deal for us both, I wouldn’t have to fix or hire the fence fixed, and the pasture would be kept from going back to weeds, etc. and he would have a cheap place to keep his cattle.
Well, after six months he had done none of these things and his cattle were so poorly cared for that they were skin and bones and so I had a talk with him about “paying his rent” and he got really huffy and said “I dont’ have time to do all that, and anyway, where do you think you will get anyone to take care of this place the way YOU want it?”
I looked at him and I said, “Well, if I have to fix the fence, mow the weeds, and keep the fence rows clean, WHAT DO I NEED YOU FOR?”
So I told him that since he had not “paid the rent” that he would have to move his cattle, which he did a few months later. Of course after he was off I started looking around for new renters with essentially the same “rent” and I found a lovely young couple who are just getting started in a big farming operation and needed more land. They raise blooded horses, cattle and have a big industrial chicken farm, both hold down off the farm jobs as well, and have only one full time hired hand, but I have never seen harder working people in my life. They are taking wonderful care of my farm, keep all the fence rows clean, have spent countless amounts of money on fertilizing and liming the fields, and keep it looking like a golf course. Plus, I get to see their beautiful horses and foals grazing on the land. Not only that, but they insist in baling the hay and feeding my few head of stock and Fat and Hairy with their hay, even putting the hay out for my stock, and if I am gone I know that they will keep an eye on the place and on my stock as well.
Their animals are all well cared for, not starving like the first guy, and the place looks BETTER than when I was working it with my herd.
There are plenty of people in this world (like my previous renter) who have little or nothing because when they are presented with an OPPORTUNITY they do NOT take advantage of it. There are others who take advantage of EVERY opportunity. The ones like your X just take advantage of it until it is gone and still have nothing for themselves. You gave your X and Bev gave her X an “opportunity” to better themselves, and neither of them took advantage of this “step stool” to better themselves, but instead just took advantage of it without learning anything or doing anything to help themselves.
My X-FIL-P had one saying right “You can give people things, but you can’t help them, they have to HELP THEMSELVES” and that seems to be very true. When we ENABLE people rather than HELP them to help themselves, they always resent it, and we resent the fact that they took advantage of us and really didn’t even benefit from it.
My new renters are always apologizing for not doing MORE here on the farm. I always tell them, “Am I griping at you for not doing enough?” and they say “No” and then I say “When I am dissatisfied, YOU will be the FIRST to know it” As far as I am concerned it is a “marriage” made in heaven for me! I just hope they keep on thinking that it is good for them as well. Besides, except for them I don’t know anyone that would value the land and keep it up like I want it so I want them to be satisfied as well.
Dear OxDrover: It’s the same thing as “you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink” (LOL). Hey, I have a saddle for you if you want it. Seems my EX spent money on a boat and horses and a new vehicle instead of spending my I lent him (cough – stole from me that was to be a loan) to pay all his back and future child support payments. Well, a few months ago I was digging through everything he left here (what a job in itself, I’m breathing here, have to breath when I write anything he did to me) … anyway, I get down to the bottom box and what do you think is in there? A saddle for the horse he bought. One horse for him and one horse for his (cough) room mate/fiancee ….
So here I am with a saddle and no horse (LOL). It is yours if you want.
Peace.
Dear OxDrover: That is why my favorite quote is:
“We have this life that soon will pass … Only what we do with LOVE will last”.
As the psychos kick everyone in the butt … and it takes those souls time to heal and go through the growth process, gain the wisdom to be learned … WE shall always remember to extend love and compassion to every one, every where and foil their (the big EGOs) attempts to destroy the human race.
Peace Oxy and EVERYONE posting on this site.
Dear Wini,
Thanks for the offer of the saddle, but I have plenty, however, you might be able to sell it and recoup some of your stolen money.
Saddles may be worth $50 or $5,000 no way for me to get an idea without looking at it, but you can find a name of the maker on it somewhere, and google that and see what you can find. A little research might give you an idea of what it is worth. You might also get in touch with the local riding clubs or a stable and talk to someone. I wouldnt sell to the first person who put a “value” on it, because they might be trying to “low ball”you telling you that it was not worth much when it was worth a bundle, but do some internet research and talk to a few people and you should get a pretty good idea.
My P XBF left a horse drawn wagon here that he never came back and got, and after storing it for over two years, I figure the storage charges I could legally charge him were even with the value of the wagon so I just recently traded it for a nice riding horse of about equal value to the $1800 he paid for the wagon. With diesel fuel at nearly $5 a gallon I wasn’t going to haul it one way 400 miles to his house to deliver it for him. If he had wanted it he knew where it was for the past two+ years.
So get what you can out of it, you never know it might be a valuable one. Good luck.