Recently, Donald Trump made headlines when he publically criticized Anne Hathaway for not sticking by her boyfriend of four years, Raffaello Follieri, following his arrest for fraud and money laundering. Apparently, Trump doesn’t understand the romantic con artist, but that’s OK, neither did I until I was targeted by one. In spite of the best psychiatric training this country has to offer, I fell for, married and had a son with a con man. I filed for divorce when following his arrest, I realized his true nature. So when Trump chastises Hathaway, he also chastises me and other women who have fallen for con men.
In the wake of the destruction left by the con man, I looked within myself for an answer to the “why me?” question. I also sought out other victims to see if there were any patterns to be found in the way romantic con men operate. I was privileged to get to know other duped successful women, both personally and anonymously through a survey conducted with my colleague Sandra L. Brown, M.A. As I read the accounts of Anne Hathaway’s relationship to Raffaello Follieri, I was impressed by the degree to which her story fits the typical pattern in terms of both the players and the game.
First let’s discuss the players. The typical con artist has what psychologist call “psychopathic personality traits.” The con artist is arrogant, confident and a good talker. He is obsessed with the pursuit of power. This obsession when combined with the gift of gab leads to pathological lying. In addition to being motivated by power, con artists are also usually thrill seekers in need of constant excitement.
In the July 14th issue of People Magazine, Follieri is described as “arrogant” and “A guy who wore his confidence like one of his custom suits.” He sought to portray himself as powerful, espousing connections to the Vatican and residence in an apartment previously occupied by Aristotle Onassis. He led an exciting life, socializing with politicians and the wealthy and jet skiing on the French Rivera.
People Magazine also gives us some insight into the personality of Ann Hathaway. She is said to be “sincere and accepting” a “very strong woman” and “a sweet girl.” These words perfectly describe the typical female victim of a romantic con. As we report in our recent book (Women Who Love Psychopaths), the average woman we surveyed is extremely cooperative, tolerant and empathetic. We also found victimized women also seek excitement in their lives. This excitement seeking seems to form the point of connection between con men and their women.
Now the con game. People Magazine states, “She [said she] was put off initially by his arrogance and attitude. He pursued her and within two weeks they were madly in love.” This description could have come from any of the female victims I know. Con artists always move quickly so that their victims are kept off balance. After they talk themselves into women’s lives they entrap them. Women are entrapped by emotional bonds which result from the relationship intensity. As a group, psychopathic con artists are highly sexual and many are sex offenders. Women are also entrapped by social bonds and a sense of loyalty that the con artist often works to foster. Women may enter a state of denial about the relationship that can last years as it appears to have here. This unconscious denial results from not wanting to give up the “dream relationship” and not wanting to admit being the victim of a con.
Because of loyalty and denial, often the relationship does not end until the arrest of the con artist. These men are typically smothering and controlling; this dynamic is also said to have existed in Hathaway’s case. When the con artist finally goes to jail, the victim is free to talk with friends and think for herself. It is only then that reality sets in.
With regard to Donald Trump’s statement, “She hasn’t remained very loyal to him, has she? So when he had plenty of money, she liked him, but then after that, not as good, right?” I agree that successful women are often attracted to con artists because they appear to be rich, powerful and exciting. However, our research shows that women pay dearly for this attraction and the cost of the relationship increases the longer they stay. Most women are harmed in nearly every sphere of their lives: psychologically, emotionally, sexually, socially, occupationally and financially.
I would also like to point out that unlike Ms. Hathaway many women have had children within the context of a romantic con. The con artist is then in a position to use the children to continue to control their mother should she attempt a break-up. The children of these relationships suffer a great deal due to the con man’s erratic behavior. They also inherit genes that put them at risk to become antisocial.
Most women meet psychopathic con men through common friends as Hathaway did. However, internet dating is giving these men easy access to successful women. It is important for women who are adventurous, accepting and compassionate to know that they possess the traits con men look for. These women should also understand that when they seek adventurous, dominant and powerful men, they “are fishing in the pathology pond” as my colleague Sandra Brown, M.A. says. Women who discover they were conned into a relationship should get out as these relationships can be very destructive. The longer a woman sticks by her con man, the more harm she will suffer.
Addendum
Although this story is about con men, there are also con women. These women are just as destructive as their male counterparts in terms of their children and their relatioship partners.
OxDrover: I think “they” all have the same idea … leaving behind what they need stored. Knowing that we are decent and just keep these things around. Well, I started cleaning out my garage last year. I did one bay … took garbage out and stored the rest nice and neat. He just threw everything in there. When I asked him why he did that instead of being neat and being able to get to the stuff when you need it. He said, “It’s done on purpose in case a thief wants to steal something, they won’t know what’s in here … so they’ll just grab what they want and leave the rest because they wouldn’t know where to start looking”. I also remember looking at the paper trail he left behind after I found out what I was dealing with. He spent thousands of dollars on the house in GA having security alarms on it. How did I find this out … by him using my credit cards in my name … addressed to the house in GA. He never through the statements away, they were in boxes in the basement. My legs buckled under me. I was pulling all this paperwork out of the boxes, brought them upstairs and poured them all over my dining room table. When I started reading what the paperwork stated, my breath stopped, my legs started collapsing under me. At the same time my phone rang. I had it out on the table near me. So I answered it. It was my friend D that worked with my EX to start the company up. I told D what I found. He said that I was having a reality adjustment episode (LOL) … my mind going from assuming my EX was this decent guy … to the complete opposite. My mind was racing. D talked me until my mind grasped it. Then I was numb from the end of November until the 3rd week of March. I could talk and walk and do everything … I just couldn’t feel a thing. I was on that numbness ride again … same thing I had with my bosses … just going numb.
Anyway, I thought if you didn’t want the saddle, maybe that couple that helps you out need another saddle. I don’t want to sell it … I just want to give it away to whoever needs it. I know, there’s a riding stable down at the shore … I remember driving by and parking while the students were jumping their horses. I’ll go and ask them if they can use a saddle. If my former co-worker K didn’t write a letter against me during the ordeal, I’d give it to her. She owns a farm and has horses. But, I know she stuck her nose into the situation cause she was protecting her best buddy (who was the girlfriend of one of my bosses). So forget that.
I’ll think of something. I know when I lived in the country there were neighbor’s that had horses and young 20 somethings that started a riding stable … but I think they closed when they got into their 30’s. Good idea when they were younger … then I think they all went the corporate route … and we know how that saga goes.
Peace/
I made this pact to myself many years ago and reflect my values. I am not wealthy, but I have no debt and own my own house and car. My pact was that I would NEVER give my partner (however much I loved them or even if I married them) money, expensive gifts or any entitlement to my assets. I have to do this, because I am not well off and I would protect my assets under any circumstances as they are to pass to my daughter. When I have a man in my life, I tell him that my house is in trust for my daughter on my demise -I give them a strong message, that my property and assets are not available for them. When my ex was asking to borrow small amounts of money, and was borrowing from his family, I thought it was VERY DEMEANING for a man to be borrowing money from women, especially as he was working. Getting one’s financial affairs in order can be a discipline that takes some time to conquer.
On the other hand, if I met someone wealthy, I would not accept expensive gifts either, there is something in me, that would not want to be bought, I would want to be free and equality in a relationship would be the MOST IMPORTANT factor in a relationship. I dont mean equality in material things, I mean a sense of ‘you put in – I put in’, we both recognise that we are both contributing to THE RELATIONSHIP, we are nurturing IT, not each other. There is a significant different here, because the relationship becomes like a third entity that needs maintaining and attention. The possessions then become a vehicle within the relationship, not an attachment to ‘the person’.
I have now updated my pact, since my run in with the Narcissist to include, MY HEALTH, MY ENERGY, MY ATTENTION – I choose to share these if I wish, and not to order. In the past I didnt realise that some obnoxious people would look upon my body and my attention as a commodity. I learnt alot from the N, he graced me with his time, when he felt like it, like he was the King. From this I have learnt that my energy and time are precious (not in a narcissistic way) and I guess when I see how he sucked on my energy to point of making me ill, that was a wakeup call for me.
I always had HUGE amounts of energy, could dance continuously for 6 hours and people would ask if I was on drugs and I would say, no it is my natural energy, but then i squandered it all over the place, took on much too much until I was toppling over with the weight. When you get older and your energy starts to decrease, you become more selective about where you are putting it!!
Some of the reason I made this pact, is because my mother who was mentally ill, worked HARD to buy her house, she was as tough as old boots. When I inherited her money, I used it to pay off my mortgage, so I am aware that I have acquired my place through my hard work, and my mother’s hard work and is not to be given to those with no track record!! I am not saying that I would not buy gifts to a lover, of course I would, but I wouldnt buy them expensive stuff, like a car, if they want those things, they buy it themselves. In my book, each partner should be self sufficient and not bumming off their lover – very demeaning (sorry if this offends anyone, but these are my values for me). I have lived on my own alot, so I am probably not used to sharing unconditionally with others, but when I have lived with a man, they always want to lean on me – no good.
Wini, my ex had enough possession to fit into 3 cupboard boxes. He used my shredder to shred his bank statements, I stuck all the pieces together to see how much he was worth financially, (I dont have a problem telling what I am worth) – he was worth, in US terms about 1 dollar.
His room was a jumble, mountains of clothes everywhere that the cat would lay on and be sick over. Yuk. he wasnt bothered about theft, I dont think he cared that much about himself or his possessions to be bothered. When I was concerned he left his bike overnight in town, he wasnt bothered at all, said he would buy another – in a sense I liked that freedom from attachment to possessions
I am actually quite a generous person, but I would never ever, given a person access to my bank account or credit cards and I would never set up a loan for them in my name, oh no no. People should be self sustaining. When my ex suggested setting up a joint account for him to pay in his wages and me to have access to, I said NO. If he asked me for access to my accounts I would have said NO. When he was thinking of moving in with me, he wanted to pay me money each week for housekeeping, I said NO.
The only arrangement I would have, would be to have a joint pool of cash that each puts into to, for housekeeping, bills or social. It is different if you have been in a good relationship or marriage for many years and your partner is made redundant or needs interim help – that is different.
Beverly,
I totally agree with you on the financial aspects of a “love” relationship for people who are older, like we are, and who have children by a previous relationship.
My X-BF-P was a “show off” with money and bought all his GFs appliances and such, when my washer went out a few days after we had started seeing each other, he offered to buy me a new one, and was taken aback when I refused.
When my late husband and I married 20+ yrs ago, we had a prenuptuial agreement, not because we didn’t trust each other, but we wanted to make sure that we understood up front how our money would be managed, personally, and together.
I used to think that a young couple starting out didn’t need a pre-nup agreement, but now I think that should be done even if neither of them has a “pot or a window to throw it out of” because now with 50% of the first marriages ending in divorce, and 75% of the second marriages ending in divorce to get married without a clearly drawn agreement on division of assets, that’s why divorce attorneys get rich!
There is a lovely woman here in our community who was married to a very charming Psychopath, and after nearly 30 yers of marriage he decided to dump her and keep 99% of the marital assets. She had inherited a considerable sum from her father, which in this state, as long as she kept it intact was HERS ALONE, but he talked her into putting it into a joint savings account, and bingo, it was now “marital” joint property. During the course of the separation before the divorce, he managed to use the family business to siphon off assets, and she is left in poverty now, and with a slowly terminal disease.
Yet, some how this lady, who is a lady in every sense of the word, somehow maintains her faith in God and even in her fellow man, and a peaceful attitude. If I had not known her since childhood and known her family I would think she was “putting up a front” but she sincerely isn’t. She is just good to the bone! I would love to have her unflappable faith and strength! I’m working on it, she is my model, but I’m having to work harder at it, I think she’s got it down pat! LOL
Wini, I am sure you can find someone to give the saddle to if you want to give it away, there might be a theraputic riding group somewhere around or a chldren’s program that might could use it.
Yes OxyD. There are all sorts of financial pitfalls. Even if a person moves in and does work on your property, you owe them. Personally, if I met a man with a home, I would still keep my home and I would not merge it with his, or vice versa. I would also keep my own bank account in my name and keep my finances separate. I totally agree, it is a good idea to discuss financial arrangements when you start off. What a horrible story about the lady who has the terminal disease. Oh my.
Beverly: The reason “they” don’t care where they leave any possession of theirs is because they know they can always replace whatever it is … by using someone else down the road to get whatever it is, they want. Period. Male or females … they are all fair game. No ifs, ands, or buts about it.
As for me and my finances. I was so devastated over what I had to endure with my managers … I never paid attention to details in my life except to write a check and pay my bills. I never checked my balances in my account because of shear exhaustion. Going to work was exhausting, to say the least. I had to be on my guard for every simple thing entering the building where I worked. I was called into trumped up meetings so they could discuss my “confrontation” that morning with a co-worker. Perplexed (as usual) I would ask “what confrontation”? Notice the use of the word “confrontation”. Is it negative or positive? It’s just a word … but they (the managers and their cronies in this case, personnel officers) know how to play the game. They perfected it … and will pull out all the stops to get you to collapse, quit, commit suicide … or simply, just go away. They don’t care how they do it … they use their arsenal of years of collected “tried and true” theories to get you. Reality of the “confrontation” with my co-worker that a.m. was my having a cup of coffee and enjoying our conversation with them. Nothing more. What personnel was doing was to check on your mindset. Were you seeing something in a negative light, or seeing it in a positive light. Because I was a union steward for years and saw how they beat people down … I was aware of this game. My first hearing was scheduled in one room on the basement floor. When we arrived for the meeting … we were told that the room was booked for another meeting. We then went to the top floor to hold the meeting. The purpose for this. My witnesses that were scheduled to speak on my behalf didn’t know where the meeting was. Another control issue from the “evil ones”. In that meeting the overseer of the meeting (on managements side) kept telling me while he looked at his watch “look how long we are giving you”. The meeting continued for another half hour … again the leader of the meeting stopped, looked at his watch and repeated “look how long we are giving you”. This went on all day long … stopping the meeting, he looking at his watch and asking me the same question over and over and over again “look how long we are giving you”. They even left the room, leaving my immediate supervisor and I alone in the room, while they went out in the hallway for about 20 minutes to a half hour. My immediate supervisor and I looking across the table from each other. I said something nice to my supervisor asking him how his wife and children were. He answered. Then we sat there for about 20 minutes longer and my immediate supervisor excused himself and left the room. There I was sitting in a room just me and God. When they all entered the room … the meeting continued until a half hour before closing time. Nothing substantial was discussed in the meeting … but every half hour or so, the leader of the meeting would stop, look at his watch and repeat the statement “look how long we are giving you”. When I got home that evening it finally dawned on me what he was asking me …. “look how long we are giving you, you should have insulted us, sworn at us, bodily slammed your fists on the table, pushed the chair back, stormed out of the meeting and was insulted over the fact that you were in this meeting on trumped up charges and we are destroying your career – so act out already so we can witness that you lost control and we can fire you on insubordination charges of loosing your control in the work place”. God was on my side and it infuriated them that I conducted myself as a lady.
What I am saying is I was forced to always look behind the smokescreen on a daily basis for 6 years of what they were playing on me. It was exhausting. I am only human. I can only do so much. I did the best that I could do. My managers couldn’t do me under so it was left to my fiance to do it for them. I believe he was a ringer put in my life for them to control me on the home front. How did I come to this conclusion … by running in to a former co-worker, who she too, was set up to sleep with her manager and was pulled into our mutual big boss’ office being told, “I can fire you for sleeping with your boss …. blah, blah, blah … if you want to keep your job you have to do as I command … blah, blah, blah … first order for you is to stop talking with Wini … blah, blah, blah. So their MO was to get something on everyone and anyone who worked under them. Knowledge is power. Because my managers didn’t have anything on me … they created it and were going to stick it on me … no matter how they did it. It’s a sick control issue that the EGOs of the world use. Opposite of living God’s way.
Not knowing my EX was in their corner is how they got to destroy me. As far as I’m concerned, they can take all my material man made possessions away from me, but they can’t take my soul. My soul belongs to God.
Peace.
OxDrover: I eventually will give the saddle and other things away when the time is right. I will meet people who need something I have and I’ll be more than willing to give them what they need. This way, a young couple just starting off or a single person that can use something I have …
As for me, I live a simple life. It suits me.
Peace.
Coincidence (I think NOT) that Ted Turner’s Movie played an all black stars in the movie called “Cabin the Sky” last night July, 16, 2008.
Looks like Donald Trump, Ted Turner and the likes … backing up Raffaello Follieri by playing the above titled movie showing women, no matter what their man does and how he conducts his life …. we should be the “good Christian woman ” and stand by our man.
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Cabin In The Sky
(1943)
Glossy all-black MGM musical with Eddie “Rochester” Anderson as a gambler whose soul becomes the prize in a contest between God and the Devil. Lena Horne, Ethel Waters, Rex Ingram, Louis Armstrong and Duke Ellington are featured; Vincente Minnelli’s first directing assignment. Songs include “Shine,” “Happiness Is a Thing Called Joe,” “Li’l Black Sheep,” more. 98 min. Standard; Soundtrack: English Dolby Digital mono; Subtitles: English, Spanish, French; audio commentary; theatrical trailer; bonus short “Studio Visit” (1946).
Category: Musicals Director: Vincente Minnelli
Cast: Eddie “Rochester” Anderson, Louis Armstrong, Bill Bailey, Willie Best, The Hall Johnson Choir, Ruby Dandridge, Duke Ellington, Lena Horne, Rex Ingram, Bobby Johnson, Butterfly McQueen, Mantan Moreland, Oscar Polk, Fletcher “Moke” Rivers, Kenneth Spencer, John W. “Bubbles” Sublett, John Thomas, Ethel Waters, Ernest Whitman
Academy Award ®
Nominee: Best Song (“Happiness Is A Thing Called Joe”)
Format: DVD – B&W
Rated: NR
Catalog #: D63688
Was $19.99 Now $16.99
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Our 800-page catalog features “Cabin In The Sky” and other hard-to-find titles like:
And that folks is how the media controls the masses. Same ole, same ole …
Peace.