This week events in my life have and people I encountered got me thinking about the blaming of victims. Coincidentally, I discovered this quote from Attorney Wendy Murphy. She wrote this in a comment answering others who commented on her blog:
It doesn’t matter if Sandra Boss was a ‘gold-digger’ anymore than it matters that the mother of Michael Jackson’s latest victim ‘consented’ to her child being allowed to sleep at Jackson’s home. It’s equally wrong to rape a child – even if the victim makes it easier on the criminal to commit the crime because she’s ill, or dumb, or uneducated, etc. There’s no such thing as a criminal being ‘partly guilty’. There’s only guilty – or not guilty.
Victims can make bad decisions that we might think of as increasing their risk of being victimized – but the CRIMINAL law sees these things as vulnerabilities – not liabilities – because we don’t want criminals taking advantage of certain ‘types’ of people (even selfish ones). Civil tort cases are treated differently – where responsibility can be distributed among the parties. A crime victim is not a ‘party’ to the criminal case. So, the fact that a person might not protect him or herself well is never an excuse for ANOTHER PERSON’S crime – or a reason to give a harm-doer a discount. If it were – the law would effectively be indulging the idea that certain ‘types’ of people deserve to be victimized (or – put another way – certain ‘types’ deserve better protection from violence). Victims and perpetrators do not stand on equal moral footing.
Perpetrators are charged with crime while victims are presumed by the charge to have suffered harm. Because victims have not even been accused of criminal harm, they are not parties to the criminal case, and are not being judged on issues of guilt and responsibility. This reflects the principle that whether you’re a nun or a homeless prostitute – you are seen as equal in the eyes of the criminal law when you are injured by crime. For all these reasons, it is irrelevant whether Sandra Boss was marrying the name rather than the man – etc – and it is irrelevant whether Stephen Fagan’s wife had ‘issues’. No person ‘deserves’ to be victimized by violence – and unless we fiercely refuse to weigh the moral behavior of the victim in determining the guilt of the accused, we cannot possibly respect this core principle.
I agree with what Attny. Murphy says here. But I want to add that it is important for those who have had encounters with psychopaths to take stock of the experience and to question “Why me?” Asking then answering that question promotes healing, allows for personal growth and gives a person the opportunity to forgive him/herself for any mistakes that contributed to the psychopathic life disaster. Taking responsibility is empowering because it acknowledges the real control we have over the choices we make.
Today one of my friends wrote this to me, ”I fully accept that MY CHOICES which I made were the choices that hurt me, hurt others, etc. Actually, some of those choices I knew at the time were probably not “ideal” or “right” but I did them anyway, and of course they blew up in my face.”
I’ll say publicly to this friend, “I understand and believe you can make better choices/decisions in the future.” Because I believe it for you, I can also believe it for myself.
The degree to which we are able to extend our understanding to another’s mistakes determines how we accept our own. We don’t need to deny or excuse our own or another victim’s mistakes. We should instead hold each other accountable to do the real soul searching and to make better choices in the future.
Liane,
WELL WRITTEN. I blame myself for putting myself in a position to be hurt, but I also believe that when I knew to do better, I did. I couldn’t see til I could see, or hear til I could hear. Denial is a very powerful coping mechanism.
Just today, I had to make the 80 mile trip to the city where the S, myself and our children lived. As I drove past the old life symbols I knew (homes we lived in, schools the children went to, churches we attended, friends homes we visited, etc.), I wondered how he could have pretended to be such a normal family man. Then, I quickly realized how much effort I exerted trying to “normalize” our situation.
As I look back, I see so many red flags – everything was always about him. I grew up being taught that a man was the head of the home and the woman was the heart. I stayed home and played house and mommy, and was content in that role. I just knew that if I could keep my man happy, we would have a wholesome, God-loving family. The only problem is that no matter what I did, it didn’t operate properly. I taught him how to abuse me by not respecting myself or having boundaries. I kept taking him back after numerous affairs. I made excuses for him when he didn’t work. I joined him on every “geographical” move we made, moving 30 times in 20 years, and dragging our chidren out of school all over the country. The S was restless, and constantly on the run. The idea of us not being together was unfathomable to me. We were in a religious cult together, so I was brainwashed twice. Although I have had to make amends to our children, and anyone else who was affected by all of this, as I look back, I am appalled by my OWN behavior for tolerating this and being a participant. I will live with this for the rest of my life. What I have had to do is realize that I was sick, not bad. My behavior was horribly dysfunctional and brought untold trauma to my children and myself, as well as my family of origin. While in the cult, and the S relationship, I was encouraged to cut off ties with my family of origin including siblings, parents, friends, etc. Brainwashing is an unbelievable tool to rape souls and exude power, intimidation and control.
Yes, I can, and do make better decisions and choices today. I now hold myself and others accountable for making better choices today, and while I am not perfect, I am making progress.
Dear Liane,
Wonderful and very timely article!
Housie, I totally agree with you..in looking back at my own POOR CHOICES, even when I saw the RED FLAGS, and chose to cover them up with my “rose-colored glasses” of MALIGNANT HOPE, DENIAL and DELUSION, I allowed the Ps to continue to abuse me and others as well. When I made the choices that were the “lesser of two evils” (knowing they were not good choices) I told myself there were NO OTHER choices, but in my heart I knew there were, I just didn’t want to face the pain of MAKING THOSE HARD CHOICES…denial was easier.
To this day, my egg donor makes the “easy” (easier for her) choice of “not believing” my P-son tried to have me killed, blaming the Trojan Horse psychopath he sent and my X-DIL rather than my P-son, even though she saw, in HIS OWN HAND WRITING, the evidence to convict him of conspiracy with the TH-P and my X-DIL to kill me…it is “easier” for her to give up all contact with her other grandsons and with me than it is to admit that HER CHOICES almost cost me my life, and my son C’s life…she refuses to acknowledge her responsibility or to be accountable for her choices and actions.
I know from personal experience how painful it is to assume responsibility for my own choices, my own actions, that helped to ensure that my abuse and the abuse of others continued….I paid the price for those choices by the continuing consequences and pain caused by those choices.
It did not mean in ANY way that I was to “blame” for what the psychopaths did to me, but it would have ENDED SOONER if I had set boundaries, if I had said “this isn’t working for me” or “I will not tolerate any more of that behavior,” if I had made different choices.
I have finally found the strength and resolve to end the pain caused by my previous choices, and to forgive myself for making those choices which led to such chaos in my life for so long. Like your friend, some of the choices I made, I knew at the time were not “the best” choice by any means, but I made it anyway, suffered the consequences of that choice–but I did learn.
Accepting the responsibility and being accountable for those choices (whether they were made because I was tricked, in denial, or just plain stupid) is what finally freed me to FORGIVE MYSELF and to quit holding “grudges” against even the people who deliberately hurt me, knowing they were hurting me, intending to hurt me. I read today a really good quote from a Christian parole officer, from Snakes in Suits, it was :
Criminial: “I found Jesus”
Parole officer: “Congratulations, you’re going to heaven, but for now, you are GOING TO JAIL”
I do hope the people who have hurt me in their lives do find “redemption” and “remorse” and turn their lives around, but in the mean time, THE EARTHLY CONSEQUENCES OF THEIR BEHAVIOR are still VALID.
I feel very guilty. Probably, most of the time if not all of the time. I have chosen to ignore the red flags, I have chosen to believe what I heard and not what I saw. And – now I have my kids to worry about. The worst of it all, is that I had to meet eye to eye with the P and I made a mistake of looking. It was horrible for me, because I was right back to pain and longing. so, I blame myself once more…
A lot to discuss with my counselor, but most importantly, – how do you go on when you know that you had been an accomplice to victimization of others because of simple desire to be loved, valued & cared about.
PINOW,
You go on because you did the best you could with what you knew at the time. You were “trauma-bonded”.Pain and longing were the two words I used the most. I deeply believe that the addiction to him was so deep, that I could not extricate myself from him as badly as I wanted to. I begged God to remove the addiction – all the while wondering how I could survive without him. For years I begged God, and would literally curl up in a fetal position and feel feelings so deep that the pain was beyond words. I now realize I can no more feel guilty for being powerless over this than I could over any other thing in my life – and I have been powerless over food and people, and things that have brought me pain. Through all of this, I found ONE who had all power, and He has done for me what I could not do for myself. I just had to surrender. This is ONLY my story. Perhaps it has worked differently for others. What happened for me is that God did for me what I couldn’t do for myself in His own time and way. It doesn’t mean that I didn’t have to do the work of changing and letting go and doing the footwork of ending the relationship and making amends; some living amends by living my life differently by making healthier choices. I had to go NO CONTACT just as a druggie would have to be willing to give up the drugs. The S is no longer welcome in my thoughts or life, and only in my thoughts as I journal and process, or talk to my therapist. I had to realize that I was looking for love in the wrong places with the wrong person. There is hope here, and healing and a new beginning, Pinow. Move into the solution, and the problem can become a part of your past that brought you to where you are today!!
PINOW,
OH!!! The person I had to love was ME. Now my relationships come out of a place in me that operates out of love and not desperation. I can SHARE myself with someone rather than want someone in my life to fill a place that only myself and God can fill.
OMG, Housie, this is so right. It seemed so easy in my mind; I even told him: you take care of me and I take care of the world. I thought he was empowering me, all the while wondering why I felt so drained. I have tried asking God, I am bound with a child and my own stupidity and the worst realization that came only few days ago: If he’d be back, I am not sure I’d be able to resist. So, I am connected on every level of every cell and I cannot break free and this madness is terrifying. (Like, he stole my mind). You all have been an incredible support. I think this blog is what stands between me and total madness.
To top things off, I just had a date from hell. And – do you not compare your dates with the P’s first dates? I do – to make sure I am not a sucker again, and also – to acknowledge that I’ve never felt happier yet… Thank you for your response. I appreciate your wisdom and giving me hope
Housie wrote; “You go on because you did the best you could with what you knew at the time.”
It was these words from my first counselor when I got “out” that took away any doubt os any viable guilt I felt. I had been powerless, no matter what I did or didn’t do.
Furthermore, I realized that the words, divorce, call the police, boundaries, and several others just weren’t in my vocaabulary. At one time, as I was first thinking about these wise words that rang true with my instincts, I considered that I had been in denial and truly had been a victim. Truly, I did realize that I was a true victim when I learned of the evil smear campaign, but realized endurance with grace (with God’s continued help) was the only choice I had.
However, I know fully that I was not a victim of my controlled “stockholm marriage” because as I prayed daily (as Housie and surely many others) I did make the choice to stay true to my moral value system. All of my choices were centered in those.
The ONLY choices I could have made were 1) never to accept a second date with him and 2) never to have walked down that aisle. I do take responsibility for those two choices. Yet, even then, it is only HINDSIGHT that made me aware of those two possible choices I could have made.
Bottom line: I was conned, trapped, and used but I didn’t know it! How can one make choices with information that is unknown? Therefore, the only guilt I have suffered is what “giving” my children such a disordered father caused them. But, again, do I even desreve to feel guilty of that? Of course, I would never have had children with the “man” if I had known what I know noe. One can’t turn back the clock. Time marches on, not backwards.
This is MY story and may or may not be true of others concerning the topic of this thread. My heart is full of empathy for all those who struggle with “victimhood” and its resulting guilt.
PS I am not feeling well — so I hope I have expressed myself in a clear manner. I am not perfect — except in the eyse of my Lord and Savior.. He loves me so I can love myself.
ARRGGHHHH! Why was I raped when I was 12 by a total stranger? Because I was dumb enough to feel safe babysitting in a police officer’s home? Why did I have the tv on which preventing me from hearing someone was entering the house? Why did I believe the police officer/home owner when he said I should tell no one, even though I had a clear description of the guy? (Turned out to be his nephew).
I’m totally in agreement with the attorney. And I don’t think the question should be “Why me?” But “how do I best protect myself against bad guys in the future?” The BAD GUY was the problem, NOT YOU.
And let’s not forget that if you DO ask “why me” , for many of us the answer is we were in a vulnerable time in our life in the first place.
Just like an athlete needs to know that she has a weak knee, and what she can do to protect that while she is competing, or what sports to avoid….without deciding she is a TERRIBLE athlete because OMG “I have a weak knee!”….. so do we need to see our vulnerabilities clearly and honestly, and learn to protect them. Or we can work to strengthen the knee, work to strengthen ourselves. But I submit that we get to that work faster without beating ourselves up first and we need to be very careful of how we think about this whole issue, even in our own heads.
A group of former runners might all find that they found the same weak spots…their heels, their knees, their hips. Not many runners quit because of weak wrists. We were the sport of psychopaths,who operate in many predictable ways, so it is not surprising that we victims find we have many of the same vulnerabilities….trusting too soon for example. Or trauma repetition which is a NATURAL, predictable response to trauma. But I see us beating up on ourselves. I beat up on myself. Boy oh boy, was I ever going to hold myself accountable!!! And doing so was part of why I stayed in the mess and even after getting out, self-blaming delayed me getting to the spot of confidence needed to learn to protect myself and clearly see my weak spots….and wonderful strengths!!!
For it is true, every weakness has a matching strength, and every strength has a matching weakness. And everyone has “weaknesses”. Our vulnerable spots made us natural prey for a psychopath. Too bad for us, because it is one of the most painful experiences in life, especially in developed countries where we aren’t worried about starvation, clean water, etc. as one out of five people in the world are facing.
But were it not for the bad guys, the vulnerabilities that the p preyed upon are not bad traits, for the most part, or are certainly very HUMAN traits. I’d like to get to know each of you. I think we are a GREAT bunch of people!!!! There is so much we have to feel PROUD of. The shame, the blame, belongs to the P. Not to us.
I don’t think accountable is the right word. I would say don’t blame victims, but do EMPOWER them!
We all, I think, work with different levels of knowledge, and different abilities.
“The same sun that hardens the clay, melts the wax”—in Snakes in Suits, Hare quotes something similar when he says, about our choices and the consequences, (paraphrased) “the potter controls making a pot out of the clay, but the consistency of the clay also influences the outcome.”
Each of us has different circumstances, different strengths and different weaknesses. Our abusers also had different levels of abuse, different levels of deceit and violence. No two situations are completely alike—however, that said, we are all HERE NOW, ON THE ROAD TO HEALING—and accepting ourselves for what we are, our failures (for whatever reason) to stop the abuse sooner or to stop the abuse of others, but continuing to feel shame (which Robert Hare says is a common theme in victims) or guilt for not doing it sooner, for not doing it better etc. is not helpful in the long term.
ACCEPTANCE of WHAT IS, rather than continually grieving over what “should have been” or “what might have been” or “what WAS” is something that we have to eventually, I think, accomplish in order to move on to healing.
Beating ourselves over the head forever and continual self flagilation is counterproductive to growth and “moving on” to more productive things. We would never tell our 25 year old child that they were “still bad” because they didn’t tell the truth to us when they were ten about who stole the cookies! Or who broke mrs. Jones’ window with the baseball when they were 14. They did something that was WRONG, they repented of that, and that is in the PAST….So why should be treat OURSELVES worse than we would treat our child?
Okay, we did something, made a choice, for WHATEVER REASON—on purpose or unknowingly, but it is PAST—the consequences may still be with us, or with us forever, but the ACTION is past, we can’t change the past, we can only change the future.
Some “typical” examples might be:
Yes, I married him. That was a choice and I accept it.
Yes, I let him come back after I caught him cheating. That was my choice AT THE TIME. I accept it.
I hoped my son would get out of prison and stay off drugs, so mortgaged my house and hired him a lawyer. That was the choice I made at the time, and I lost my house, I accept that I made that choice.
These “made up” examples of things we could have done, may have done, are just CHOICES we could have made. Whether we were right or wrong, knew or didn’t know, the CONSEQUENCES are because of the CHOICE, not whether that choice appeared right or wrong at the TIME it was made.
If you let me sign on your bank account because you love and trust me and I steal all your money—the CHOICE was yours. Even though you had no way to know I was a crook, and your really thought I loved you, the CHOICE and the CONSEQUENCES are still yours. ACCEPTING that we made those choices is part of the healing process, rather than going over and over and over to prove to ourselves that we “couldn’t have known” doesn’t matter—the bank account is STILL EMPTY, the house is still gone, the credit ruined, the children born, the STD still there, or whatever the consequences of our choices were.
There is a standing joke here about my “cyber cast iron skillet” to “boink” people over the head when they “get out of line”—and it is just that, a JOKE—but the real bashing and boinking that we do oto ourselves for the choices we made has to STOP at some point. We have to, we must, put the guilt and shame “out to pasture” with the old horse that’s done it’s do, and forgive ourselves, accept the past and the consequences that we must live with and over come.
Some of you may remember Aloha, who doesn’t post here much now, because she is working on her masters degree to become a therapist, but she had thousands of dollars of debt after her break up with her “bad man”—the CONSEQUENCES of her poor choice, her poor decisions, and slowly, one buck at a time, she paid that debt off, and we held a cyber celebration with her when she wrote the check for the last payment!!!!
The consequences of some of my choices, my decisions, impacted very negatively on other people, and like Housie said, the only way you can make amends is to live a better life today and tomorrow. I can’t change the past, I can’t undo those decisions and those choices, but I can forgive myself, and that was the hardest part of the healing journey because I have always had more compassion for others than I have for myself. I figure if God can forgive me, I can forgive myself. (((hugs)))) and God bless each of you!
Twice in my life I was driven to the brink of insanity. Both times it was the same P. Caught me at a vulnerable time both times.
Guess what? For the other almost 60 years of my life, I’ve done great! I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished, though of course I made some bloopers along the way and even had moments I cringe to remember. Made mistakes. But for the most part, I’ve been a good person.
Along came a P…and I was suddenly in the gutter. I realize now that past traumas contributed to that. One psychiatrist, the only psychiatrist I’ve seen in my life, told me that I had had enough trauma to put me on meds for life, and that instead, I’ve coped very well….but to try to stay away from trauma now!!!
No P, no problem. Some bruises, but nothing put me in a fetal position except that P!!!
Don’t blame victims! EMPOWER them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don’t feel accountable. HE IS ACCOUNTABLE.
But he could never, ever hurt me again. I’m EMPOWERED!