By Ox Drover
I slipped into an unhealthy lifestyle after my husband died six years ago. Slowly I let things deteriorate until I had gained a significant amount of weight, about 10 pounds a year. I started to feel bad and wasn’t really sure just why, but in the back of my mind I knew I had ignored the “red flags” of that needle on my scale creeping up. I had been in “denial” with, “Oh, it’s just a couple of pounds.”
Many times I have realized that my life has been “out of whack” just a little bit at a time, that I have been doing unhealthy things that didn’t immediately impact my life dramatically, but just a “little bit at a time.” Like a bucket filling up one drop at a time, eventually it gets full, if we don’t stop the dripping.
With my weight and my health problems beginning to become apparent, I realized I couldn’t continue to do the unhealthy things I had been doing and continue to enjoy good health. I started to have a little swelling in my feet, and I had always eaten a great deal of salt. It couldn’t be the salt, could it? I was discussing this (really, arguing with) my young physician and I told her, “Well, I’ve always eaten a large amount of salt and it never hurt me before!”
She looked at me and laughed and said, “Well, you’ve never been this old before!” I laughed too, but she was right! I had to quit being in denial that all the little unhealthy things I was doing in my food and exercise lifestyle were not adversely effecting my life and my health. I needed to alter my lifestyle, not just my “diet.”
I realize that I have done other unhealthy things as well. I have allowed others within my circle of family and friends to contribute to this unhealthy way of doing things. It isn’t just a matter of “going on a diet” and shedding a few pounds and then going back to the way things were. It isn’t just a matter of telling a person to stop treating me the way they were, and then go back to the way things were. It is a matter of lifestyle changes that are consistent and long lasting.
Stop and think
With the matter of my nutritional intake and my exercise regimen, I had to actually stop and think every time I went to the kitchen. I had to make plans in advance of how I would fix a meal and had to shop with more forethought, rather than just “grabbing” something out of the pantry and throwing it on the stove.
How many calories, how much sodium, did I have the ingredients I needed? It wasn’t quite as easy any more to put a meal on the table. It required me to actually meal plan days in advance, to shop for those items, to rearrange my budget to take these increased costs for “low sodium” products into account instead of cooking the way I had and following the habits I had for forty years.
I had to do the same thing with my relationships, taking into account the behavior of others in my life—what I would tolerate and what I wouldn’t. What would my boundaries be? Just like I don’t want to take all the taste and enjoyment out of my food in order to “eat healthy,” I don’t want to take all the enjoyment and pleasure out of my relationships either, but at the same time, I can’t tolerate a lot of substances that are toxic to my health, or relationships that are toxic to my soul.
Balance
I have to come to a balance of enjoyment and toleration. There are things I have to eat now that are not my favorites, but I know they are good for me, so I eat them. There are foods that I really enjoy but I know are not good for me at all, so I must entirely avoid them. There are foods that I can enjoy in moderation, or in small amounts. The same applies to the relationships and in people in my life.
My son and I have a friend we dearly love, but who is married to a woman neither of us can stand. While we want to maintain a friendship with him, and visit with him, we know that we must have some association with his wife as well. I sort of look at it like eating my favorite biscuits and gravy. I can have small amounts once in a while, but can’t take very much or very often.
In the past when I had weight problems, I would change my eating habits temporarily, but as soon as I lost a few pounds, I went back to eating in an unhealthy manner. I think I have done the same thing when dealing with people in my life who were unhealthy or toxic. I would get them (or people like them) out of my life for a while, sort of like a “crash diet,” but then when I felt better, go back to the old dysfunctional and unhealthy lifestyle.
Now, in my emotional and relationship life, I have made a commitment to a LIFESTYLE CHANGE, just as I have in my dietary and nutritional status. I’m not just on a “short term diet.” I am making healthy choices for life. I am working on living a balanced life, a healthy life, and not “slipping” off of a short term change, back into the old unhealthy habits.
Oxy,
I like the analogy of unhealthy diet and unhealthy relationships. We think we can eat an extra cookie or have some potato chips and not worry about our expanding rear ends! Same with toxic people, we think we can deal with them and not be affected adversely. Wrong.
Those toxic relationships are LOADED with sodium and sugar, they may taste good at first, but eventually you’ll get high blood pressure and diabetes. Best to stay away as much as possible and if you need salty sweet things, do so in moderation.
Thanks Hope4,
Yea, I’ve let problems with unhealthy life style creep up one cookie at a time—and I am a wonderful country cook so just started digging my grave with a spoon and a fork! Same with relationships they “feel good” at the time, but then they are like erosion and eat away at your emotional health the way the extra fat eats away at your physical health.
Like with quitting smoking, I had to quit “trying” to quit smoking and actually DO IT! I had to quit trying to have healthy relationships and DO IT by learning to set boundaries on others and on myself.
I’ve always joked that “I can resist anything except temptation” and that’s a cute one line comment, but it’s not true…I CAN take control of my life if I really set my mind to it. I AM in control of my decisions and my choices, and I also get the CONSEQUENCES of those choices and decisions…so if I WANT TO I can go on eating like there is no tomorrow and have all the cake and candy I want to stuff in my mouth, but if I WANT to be healthy then I have to do what it takes to do so.
If I only SAY I am wanting to be healthy but keep on eating like I have been, then I am fooling myself and trying to fool you….and we know how that works, don’t we? Not worth a darn!
The psychopaths SAY they want to “be nicer” but they are NOT NICE FOR LONG, so we know how sincere they are….NOT! People show you what they WANT by what they DO over extended periods of time….not by what they say.
Dear Oxy, thank you for your article! I believe it is all about starting with fixing our souls, fixing our beings and the rest will fall into place! This is a theory of course as I haven’t fixed my soul yet lol and I have put on 15 kg.
Being in a long association with Personality Distorters we are the masters of denial!
We hope the cream puff wont leave an extra pound on our bodies the next day, like we hoped that the Spath was going to wake up and be normal the next day.
Being alone after trauma is difficult as you have time to question ourselves and it is easy to feel weak and alone and food can became a comfort, well it did for me.
I didn’t want to feel attractive because the truth is I really didn’t want to attract the opposite sex but as the extra kg’s kept adding on I was feeling, weak, alone and now fat! lol well not fat but I could loose a good 10kg!
I am moving house in the next couple of days and that has kept me very busy, I am taking the kids on a holiday at the end of the month to some Theme parks and I am feeling very positive and looking forward to starting over again…Only when we can really heal our souls then can we heal our bodies…. Our bodies are only our vehicle to get us around that encases our souls, our true being and our body reflect what our soul is feeling!
All the best for nurtured souls and bodies that follow.
I have just got rid of a toxic, draining friendship with a girl friend and not only at the moment I am cleaning out the cupboards to move, I am cleaning out the friendship, relationship cupboards as well…. I am so sick of looking after myself second!!!!!! xo
Dear DaniS,
Moving house is a great time to clean out the cupboards. I’ve not moved house truly in years (decades almost) except partly when we fled in the RV, but have cleaned out the cupboards of things I don’t use…If I can’t wear it now, or eat it, or use it then I don’t want to DUST IT!!! LOL I’ve been on another clean out binge lately too and throwing out tons of old papers, sentimental keepsakes from my grade school years and all that junk. Figured I’d throw it out now so son D doesn’t have to burn the barn when I die to get rid of it all!
A lot of items that belonged to my husband I am gathering up and going to let the kids and grandkids have or throw them away if none of them want them. Just tired of looking at the boxes. It’s a good thing to do I think sort of “clean out our lives” and our souls.
You are so right, our bodies are just vehicles for our souls, but just as we maintain a car in tip top shape it runs better and longer, we should do our bodies as well. Until I got my head together I allowed that part of denial to continue on.
Of course too, DENIAL IN THE SHORT TERM is BENEFICIAL…the thing is that if we have 100 problems we can’t work on ALL of them at the same time, so we have to pick the ones that are most critical to take care of and sort of be in denial about the rest to keep from being too scared by HOW MUCH WE HAVE TO DO. Denial lets us put those issues on hold.
I had a BIG BUNCH of things to take care of and I’ve been clicking them off 1 by 1, and now I’m down to the life style change, but for the LONG HAUL not for just “trying” to lose weight, but ACTUALLY DOING IT! I really didn’t want to face the issue of the high sodium diet I had eaten all my life, but my doctor, bless her skinny arse, made me laugh when she said “But you’ve never been this OLD before!” when I argued with her about the salt! LOL She’s right! I haven”t been this old before! If I don’t get my chit together about the life style changes then I may not get much older either, at least not and feel well.
So get your chit together DaniS and be my “buddy” on http://www.fatsecret.com you can find me there under OxDrover. I’m also in the diabetic group there…not a very active “group” but maybe I can get it to be! (((hugs))))
AHHH Well Done Oxy! I just love your spirit! I will look you up and lets do it! 🙂 🙂 🙂
Oxy it looks really good but I don’t know where to find you! I am DanSym 🙂
Oxy great analogy!
it helps put things in perspective, but do you have an anology for CHEESE? I have a weakness for it and it’s the source (I think) of these 15 lbs I’ve added in one year!!!!
Sky, You are allowed all the swiss cheese you can eat,BUT you can only eat the holes!
They are HOley satisfying! {feelin g in a silly mood today!}
By the way Sky, no, I didnt think your comments to the other blogger, re grammar and sentence construction were in bad taste. But maybe thats because Im an ex teacher, and you know what they say,”Old teachers never die, they just lose their class!”
Love, Mama gem.
Dear Sky,
I also have a weakness for CHEESE, and I love my home made cheeses, and ohhhhhhhhh any cheese will do….Gem’s suggestion of eating the HOLES IN THE SWISS CHEESE is about the best one. LOL But seriously though, it is a matter of moderation.
In order to lose weight you must burn 3500 more calories than you take in. Exercise doesn’t burn many unless you are REALLY getting up there with running for long distances, but the thing that exercise does do is it ramps up your metabolism so that it is burning more calories even when you are lying on the couch.
So, say a person who didn’t exercise was lying on the couch, he might burn 80 calories an HOUR, and a person who DID exercise regularly, he might burn 90 calories an hour. Also you do get points for carrying around all that lard, as a bigger person uses more energy to carry it! LOL I get LOTS OF EXTRA POINTS for carrying lots of lard.
So cheese is doubly bad for me with the high calories it usually contains in a small portion AND the sodium from both the milk it was made from and added salt in the cheese making process.
Well, any way, “there’s no fanatic like a convert” so now that I have quit smoking and I’m on a diet approved of by the American Heart Association, and losing weight, I am going to be so fanatical that you guys won’t be able to stand me, I will be so darned near PERFECT I will even make the narcissistic Ps envious at how I can admire myself!…..LOL ROTFLMAO
DAniS
Go to community and do a search for members. Your registration may not be up yet. I am there under OxDrover or it might be Ox (space) Drover I can’t remember which but you ought to be able to find me that way. I found my step son there by searching for his last name. We will get together as life style change buddies and lose all our excess weight!!!!