By Ox Drover
I slipped into an unhealthy lifestyle after my husband died six years ago. Slowly I let things deteriorate until I had gained a significant amount of weight, about 10 pounds a year. I started to feel bad and wasn’t really sure just why, but in the back of my mind I knew I had ignored the “red flags” of that needle on my scale creeping up. I had been in “denial” with, “Oh, it’s just a couple of pounds.”
Many times I have realized that my life has been “out of whack” just a little bit at a time, that I have been doing unhealthy things that didn’t immediately impact my life dramatically, but just a “little bit at a time.” Like a bucket filling up one drop at a time, eventually it gets full, if we don’t stop the dripping.
With my weight and my health problems beginning to become apparent, I realized I couldn’t continue to do the unhealthy things I had been doing and continue to enjoy good health. I started to have a little swelling in my feet, and I had always eaten a great deal of salt. It couldn’t be the salt, could it? I was discussing this (really, arguing with) my young physician and I told her, “Well, I’ve always eaten a large amount of salt and it never hurt me before!”
She looked at me and laughed and said, “Well, you’ve never been this old before!” I laughed too, but she was right! I had to quit being in denial that all the little unhealthy things I was doing in my food and exercise lifestyle were not adversely effecting my life and my health. I needed to alter my lifestyle, not just my “diet.”
I realize that I have done other unhealthy things as well. I have allowed others within my circle of family and friends to contribute to this unhealthy way of doing things. It isn’t just a matter of “going on a diet” and shedding a few pounds and then going back to the way things were. It isn’t just a matter of telling a person to stop treating me the way they were, and then go back to the way things were. It is a matter of lifestyle changes that are consistent and long lasting.
Stop and think
With the matter of my nutritional intake and my exercise regimen, I had to actually stop and think every time I went to the kitchen. I had to make plans in advance of how I would fix a meal and had to shop with more forethought, rather than just “grabbing” something out of the pantry and throwing it on the stove.
How many calories, how much sodium, did I have the ingredients I needed? It wasn’t quite as easy any more to put a meal on the table. It required me to actually meal plan days in advance, to shop for those items, to rearrange my budget to take these increased costs for “low sodium” products into account instead of cooking the way I had and following the habits I had for forty years.
I had to do the same thing with my relationships, taking into account the behavior of others in my life—what I would tolerate and what I wouldn’t. What would my boundaries be? Just like I don’t want to take all the taste and enjoyment out of my food in order to “eat healthy,” I don’t want to take all the enjoyment and pleasure out of my relationships either, but at the same time, I can’t tolerate a lot of substances that are toxic to my health, or relationships that are toxic to my soul.
Balance
I have to come to a balance of enjoyment and toleration. There are things I have to eat now that are not my favorites, but I know they are good for me, so I eat them. There are foods that I really enjoy but I know are not good for me at all, so I must entirely avoid them. There are foods that I can enjoy in moderation, or in small amounts. The same applies to the relationships and in people in my life.
My son and I have a friend we dearly love, but who is married to a woman neither of us can stand. While we want to maintain a friendship with him, and visit with him, we know that we must have some association with his wife as well. I sort of look at it like eating my favorite biscuits and gravy. I can have small amounts once in a while, but can’t take very much or very often.
In the past when I had weight problems, I would change my eating habits temporarily, but as soon as I lost a few pounds, I went back to eating in an unhealthy manner. I think I have done the same thing when dealing with people in my life who were unhealthy or toxic. I would get them (or people like them) out of my life for a while, sort of like a “crash diet,” but then when I felt better, go back to the old dysfunctional and unhealthy lifestyle.
Now, in my emotional and relationship life, I have made a commitment to a LIFESTYLE CHANGE, just as I have in my dietary and nutritional status. I’m not just on a “short term diet.” I am making healthy choices for life. I am working on living a balanced life, a healthy life, and not “slipping” off of a short term change, back into the old unhealthy habits.
Ox: Good article! I’ve had to revamp my diet because I’ve come out of this long marriage to the P with a blown gut and nerves. I’m celiac and my problem is I am thin. I’ve been told to put on a few lbs, but haven’t been able to do so. Can’t eat sugar, any type of gluten, oats, tea/coffee, soy, nightshade veggies, very much fat; cannot digest it and it also stresses my adrenals, which I’m in adrenal stress from all of this. So, my diet is healthy by force. Chicken with no steroids/ antibiotics, organic eggs, organic veggies, organic long grain brown rice, organic fruit, nuts, seeds, wild tuna, sardines, very low salt and reverse osmosis water is my diet. Occasionally I splurge and eat some American cheese. I also make cultured veggies to help heal my damaged gut. I’ve got a hiatal hernia from years of chronic stress.
You know, I can adjust my diet to benefit me, but my family association is another story! I feel TERRIBLE limiting or avoiding my adult children, especially when they need me. My younger daughter’s husband is gone two months at a time in many far away countries [he’s a marine biologist and in Africa now], which leaves my daughter and granddaughter alone the entire time to fend for themselves. My older daughter is single with no children, so she’s alone. Neither of their P fathers will come to their aid or even have a relationship with them, so that’s out. Many times they need me, if nothing else to talk to. But, they wind up unloading on me, of course NOT agreeing with my advice. I’m just a ‘listening post’, and sometime ‘whipping boy’. Still, I hear the need in their voices and I feel awful! I think life is so short, how can I not be in contact with my children! Yet, they BLOW me out quarreling with each other, competing, drama, drama, drama! I don’t know what to do!!!!
You know, on a side note: my mother finally told me about 15 years before she died, to leave her alone. Said she could not take all the problems I had with my PX. Told me to go away and don’t come back. She passed away on my BD two years ago and I had not seen her the whole time. I felt terrible we were alienated all those years. But, lately, I’ve been thinking…..probably the most peace she had in her whole life!
Dear TB,
Glad you enjoyed the article.
I know you “feel” you must “be there” FOR YOUR DAUGHTERS–but what I am HEARING in your post is that they are using you for a “kicking boy” and the STRESS of it is not doing you any good….or them either.
You talk about the DRAMA of your GD’s mother and the advice you give her making her ENRAGED at you. And when you kept the GD the other day the limits she set on you being able to control the child, etc.
TO ME, just my opinion and take it for what it is worth and what it cost you, is that you are in a dysfunctional enabling relationship with them. You FEEL that you are obligated to “help” them and they enjoy “asking for help” and then when you try to “help” them by giving them advice, they REJECT THE ADVICE, get angry at you and BOTH YOU AND THEY WALK AWAY angry at the other ones and frustrated.
HOW DO YOU STOP THIS DYSFUNCTIONAL DANCE?
You stop it by NOT GETTING INVOLVED IN THE DRAMA-RAMA.
You “hearing the need” in their voices is the SIREN SONG of “come on Mama, come over and let me be hateful to you and make you feel back and then I can throw a fit because I don’t like what you tell me.”
STOP IT. DROP the DRAMA. QUIT PLAYING this game. It is NOT HELPING THEM, and it sure as cheet not helping you!
It sounds to me from what you said about your mother telling you to go away and not come back 15 years ago that your mom was opting out of the drama-rama with you and your P Xes.
Well, it sounds for all the world like this is HISTORY REPEATING ITSELF.
If you WANT a relationship with your daughters, my advice, again, for what it is worth, is to STOP the DRAMA. Now, they may try to keep it up, but you must STOP going along with it./
If they say “Mom, what would you do?” YOu reply “Sweetie, it is your decision, I can’t give you any advice on that.”
LISTEN ONLY—but NO advice.
If they need money and you want to give it to them, that’s fine, but don’t expect it back and don’t expect them to take your advice in EXCHANGE for the money or favors.
Your comment “I hear the need in their voices and I FEEL AWFUL”
That “feeling awful” is YOUR CHOICE ON HOW TO FEEL. You are not requred to “feel awful” when someone wants something from you if you don’t want to do it.
Learn to SET BOUNDARIES.
I’ll give you an example. I had some elderly friends who had some medical problems that were STRANGE and they were havingf problems getting a diagnosis and I went with them a couple of times to their doctor’s appointments and helped guide them through the maze of medical stuff. BUT, it got to the point it was taking 2-3 days a week all day every day and I started realizing that I didn’t want to invest that much of my time into it even though I know they APPRECIATED IT and were worried (he turned out to have a rare form of brain cancer) but it was just getting to be TOO much so I set a boundary with them about I couldn’t do this EVERY time they went to the doctor any more. I “felt bad” but then I realized I HAD TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF FIRST and it was WEARING me out. Using energy I needed for MYSELF.
You have got to put YOURSELF FIRST!!! You can’t even help people you want to if you use all your energy and STRESS yourself out and make yourself ILL caring for others instead of yourself.
That’s what the point is, we have to PUT OURSELVES FIRST and NOT “feel awful” for doing so. Your kids are ADULTS and you do NOT OWE them to stress yourself any more.
You don’t have to completely go NC with them but I do strongly advise you to SET SOME LIMITS on the being their whipping boy. Let them find their own solutions (even if you think those solutions are NOT good) If you give them advice and it turns out BAD, then you get the “fault” and “blame” and if you give them advice and they don’t take it and their choice turns out bad, then YOU get angry because they didn’t listen to you.
So stop the DRAMA it ain’t worth the stress! You’ve already got enough problems with stress and physical things, so TAKE CARE OF YOU. And, if you DON’T LIKE MY ADVICE, YOU ARE NOT OBLIGATED TO TAKE IT! LOL ROTFLMAO ((((hugs)))
Ox: your last sentence is hilarious and priceless!!!! LOLOLOLOL!
You are pretty much right on target!
None of my kids need money, they all have way more money than I do. So, thankfully, they don’t ask for that.
Mostly, they all just want a ‘listening person’. And of course, it stresses me. Hard to explain, but just like my PX’s, they want me to ‘manage them’ emotionally. It seems these X’s and my kids just don’t understand emotions! And when I do not agree with their behavior/actions and just disengage, they really come after me in a needy way, causing me to felt guilty if I do not respond. I don’t get mad at them, I’m too exhausted emotionally from them draining me. My younger one has that little girl, so I fear she might flip a lid and make an irrational decision that will put she and the child in danger, so I feel obligated to ‘pull her’ when she starts skidding sideways mentally and emotionally. Sigh. Once again I am in the position of ‘management’. I always likened it to being a roadie on tour with a rock star. I’m the roadie of course.
My mom was the kind of person that forced someone else to manage her[ my brother was her slave]….so she was not going to put herself in a position of having to give to someone else. Her job was to sap your energy and if you required much of anything, she was ready to dump you. Yes, all the drama was tough….but she saw only a sliver of it. And I needed some food for my kid at that time….and she had given all she intended to give. Enough to satisfy her conscience and the door was then slammed on me. I don’t blame her….really. I’ve pretty much come to terms with it all now.
Thanks for responding, Ox. I really appreciate it. I know, when we give, people just expect more and more……just the way it is.
Dear TB,
Your “feeling guilty” is something you CAN control! It isn’t something outside of your control. Set some boundaries and take care of YOU. Let them “manage” themselves. I had to do that with my son C last dec/jan and he’s on his own now, no back up plan and no safety net. His choice, but I am not going to be upset any more when he makes bad choices because he didn’t want to be up front and honest with me, and I sure as heck didn’t need the stress of him lying to me over his choices.
It makes me SAD that he works that way and that his choices are going to lead him to a bad financial end. But it is HIS CHOICE and MY choice is that I will not allow him to lie to me. I won’t give him the opportunity to lie to me, and SINCE he has decided to make poor financial choices (spending his available money on TOYS) when he gets into a financial emergency which HE WILL EVENTUALLY and has no back up resources, his mommy ain’t gonna come out of the wood work and even LOAN him money. I’ve not given him money in the past, though I have LOANED HIM MONEY which he DID pay back, but since he lied, and violated good sense in my opinion, even the LOAN WINDOW is closed. He doesn’t have to take my advice, but the consequence is that he isn’t going to have me for a safety net either. I am only willing to HELP THOSE WHO TRY TO HELP THEMSELVES FIRST….not bail out people who make poor decisions that come back to bite them in the arse! LOL
I agree, Ox! But, you know, I couldn’t live with myself, if I had it in my power to help my GD and I didn’t. I don’t exactly know what all that entails and haven’t really defined it in my mind, but I’m working on it! My daughter I can let take some hits, she’s an adult. But, the kid is a victim. And I do know what that feels like!
Great post Ox. Great.
I think of it like feng shui of the soul. It is about lifestyle changes. The thing I have noticed since my unfortunate experience with a pathalogical relationship is just how much you have to go deep within and do a lot of work on yourself. It’s pretty exhausting to do, but a valuable exercise if you want to make those changes and avoid those same old patterns.
I’ve noticed how when you start making changes, and you start seeing results, it has a knock on effect in making more changes and feeling better about everything. There are times when you slip – find yourself spiralling back into some of those old patterns, but at least you are now in a position to see it, be aware of it, and put the brakes on.
I gave up smoking in January. This was a pretty massive change for me as I was a smoker who liked to smoke, and it was always my emotional crutch. I had given up before I met Mr. Evil. When I began to realise I was in trouble, and an emotional basket case, it was my friend the cigarette I turned to. I was back on my 20 a day habit before you could blink. This was over 4 years ago now and it took me all that time to give up again. I watched my father die from emphasema earlier this year, and I was so glad I had made that life change. I felt at last I was letting go of an old me, and embracing a new me.
The road to recovery isn’t an easy one by any stretch, but making the choice to change the way we approach things, understanding our own part in everything that happens to us and choosing to stop it happening again and making those life changes to empower us is part of the process.
LJ
Dear EllJay,
Congratulations on the stopping smoking! That is great! TOWANDA for you!!!
I agree with you! It is difficult, but I am taking one step at a time, working on one thing at a time….I too “liked” to smoke and had quit various times for as long as a year but always knew in the back of my mind that I would “go back” because I didn’t really WANT to quit….now I do want to quit and I know I HAVE QUIT….I will not go back. I will be tempted from time to time, but I will NOT allow myself to go back. This past week I saw someone smoking and I wanted just a “puff.” But didn’t allow myself.
The same way with the food, and exercise, but I can’t quit food entirely! Oh, DARN! LOL But I’ve gotten pretty OCD about sticking to the calorie restriction and to the low sodium part as well, and I’ve lost 16 pounds now and have no edema in my feet or legs and blood sugar and blood pressure perfectly normal. So I got on the band wagon before it had gone too far and I am determined to stay on it! I’m determined to die of old age in perfect health! LOL Even just the loss of the 16 pounds gives me energy, positive feed back and a little bit of “success” to spur me on. Between that and the stopping smoking, I think I’ve made some good decisions and some good choices. Not sure exactly how long I’ve been quit smoking but I know it is over a year, hasn’t improved my memory any though! LOL ROTFLMAO
It amazes me how many of us put ourselves, our health and our own well being on the back burner while we work so hard to do for others! Now, I’m focusing on me!!!
Dear TB,
You said “you know I couldn’t live with myself if I had it in my power to help GD and I didnt.”
The thing is TB, you do NOT have it in your power to “help” your GD.
First, your daughter has effectively sabotaged any chance of a relationship between you and the child, she has shown the child that you are not allowed to set restrictions on the child’s behavior.
Secondly and the child has learned how to “get your goat” and take control and manipulate you even at this young age.
Thirdly, see the “first” reason to help your GD is NOT in your power, your daughter doesn’t want you to have a relationship with this child. I’m not sure why (and maybe even she doesn’t know why) but you have mentioned that your daughter has refused to let you “keep” or baby sit for the GD and rejected your advice about keeping her away from LOUD sounds that will harm the child’s hearing, so my guess is that your relationship with your daughter has some serious issues that are very likely to keep you from even having any significant relationship with this GD child much less be able to “help” her.
I can definitely understand you WANTING to “help” this child, and to have a relationship with her, and that is why I am so glad that I don’t have grandkids to worry about, to grieve over, etc. Wanting Grandkids was my biggest wish after wanting kids, but now I am content not to have any grandkids because I don’t want to be in the situation that you are in….or Gemini is in, loving those kids but not able to have a healthy relationship with them. At least you have a good relationship with one of your son’s sons so that is better than nothing for sure! But Having one I know doesn’t “make up” for the worry you have about the GD and the ADHD grandson.
You have my prayers and my empathy, TB, but I do hope you will focus more on taking care of YOU! You deserve it! I thought I would “die” last Dec/January when my son C let me down again, and I told him to march out of my life. I thought I couldn’t stand the grief of losing another relationship because of unacceptable behavior (lies) but I cried, I grieved, and I’ve moved on. I didn’t die. I just realized I can’t help him, and he isn’t going to help himself. He isn’t a psychopath but he sure isn’t someone I can do anything for either. I don’t hate him, I don’t think he hates me, but what kind of a relationship can you have with someone you can’t trust, and don’t really like? Not much of one, I’m afraid, but accepting the way things ARE not mourning over how I WISH they were is my new “mantra.” (((hugs)))
Oxy, you are right!
My daughter would never let me have a real relationship with my GD until now…that she wants to go do her thing musically. And she had this big discussion on the phone when I had my GD this last week telling me I could now keep her any time I wanted and she wanted us to have a close relationship=she wants to go do her thing. Well, gad, she’s four now and really ONLY wants to be with mama and daddy. Not raised around me and doesn’t want to stay away from family and home for very long. I guess she would/could possibly become more content with me in time. [She seemed confused and asked if she could call me mama, then said no, you’re not mama, bless her heart] Who knows? I can’t take it either way! She’s a handful!! I’m willing to pitch in if something comes up or do whatever I can for them, but I can’t do that overnight/extended care again. Too much for me with my health issues and shot nerves. Oh, I can have a ‘relationship’ with my daughter if it’s all on her terms when she chooses. If she sees/feels me backing up, she will smooze me to reel me back in/under her power, using my love for her and the GD as bait and leverage. Like her father……
I don’t really have a relationship with my grandson. Just around him at family situations. His mother is a control freak and never allowed him to be with anyone but them. He’s a sweet boy too. The other one, bleh!
You are actually very fortunate you don’t have grandkids to worry about! You’re right there!
VERY good advice, Ox and I really appreciate you taking the time and using/sharing your wisdom to help me and I know others are grateful for your always willing spirit!
I’m going to try and take care of myself, like you said, because my body just shuts down now. I have no choice but to rest, because I can’t go. My eyes shut, my energy goes and I am flat out exhausted. Just can’t beat this dead horse any longer. I’m blown. God knows my family and X’s knocked it out of me all they could and my daughter would like to knock some more from me. But, I don’t have it to give…
Yeah, good mantra, hope it rubs off on me! ((((hugs!))))
TB,
the great thing about 4 year olds is that they are watching and absorbing everything and everyone around them, (just like a spath does!) They are determining what they will become, who they will emulate. (JUST LIKE A SPATH DOES!)
But they don’t do it consciously or with intent to decieve, it’s just what a baby naturally does. So you have an opportunity to influence her just be being a good role model. Whatever happens, whatever she does, just remember that she is absorbing how you are and will incorporate your good behavior into her future self. It may be hidden, but little bits will be there, so let your light shine.