By Ox Drover
I slipped into an unhealthy lifestyle after my husband died six years ago. Slowly I let things deteriorate until I had gained a significant amount of weight, about 10 pounds a year. I started to feel bad and wasn’t really sure just why, but in the back of my mind I knew I had ignored the “red flags” of that needle on my scale creeping up. I had been in “denial” with, “Oh, it’s just a couple of pounds.”
Many times I have realized that my life has been “out of whack” just a little bit at a time, that I have been doing unhealthy things that didn’t immediately impact my life dramatically, but just a “little bit at a time.” Like a bucket filling up one drop at a time, eventually it gets full, if we don’t stop the dripping.
With my weight and my health problems beginning to become apparent, I realized I couldn’t continue to do the unhealthy things I had been doing and continue to enjoy good health. I started to have a little swelling in my feet, and I had always eaten a great deal of salt. It couldn’t be the salt, could it? I was discussing this (really, arguing with) my young physician and I told her, “Well, I’ve always eaten a large amount of salt and it never hurt me before!”
She looked at me and laughed and said, “Well, you’ve never been this old before!” I laughed too, but she was right! I had to quit being in denial that all the little unhealthy things I was doing in my food and exercise lifestyle were not adversely effecting my life and my health. I needed to alter my lifestyle, not just my “diet.”
I realize that I have done other unhealthy things as well. I have allowed others within my circle of family and friends to contribute to this unhealthy way of doing things. It isn’t just a matter of “going on a diet” and shedding a few pounds and then going back to the way things were. It isn’t just a matter of telling a person to stop treating me the way they were, and then go back to the way things were. It is a matter of lifestyle changes that are consistent and long lasting.
Stop and think
With the matter of my nutritional intake and my exercise regimen, I had to actually stop and think every time I went to the kitchen. I had to make plans in advance of how I would fix a meal and had to shop with more forethought, rather than just “grabbing” something out of the pantry and throwing it on the stove.
How many calories, how much sodium, did I have the ingredients I needed? It wasn’t quite as easy any more to put a meal on the table. It required me to actually meal plan days in advance, to shop for those items, to rearrange my budget to take these increased costs for “low sodium” products into account instead of cooking the way I had and following the habits I had for forty years.
I had to do the same thing with my relationships, taking into account the behavior of others in my life—what I would tolerate and what I wouldn’t. What would my boundaries be? Just like I don’t want to take all the taste and enjoyment out of my food in order to “eat healthy,” I don’t want to take all the enjoyment and pleasure out of my relationships either, but at the same time, I can’t tolerate a lot of substances that are toxic to my health, or relationships that are toxic to my soul.
Balance
I have to come to a balance of enjoyment and toleration. There are things I have to eat now that are not my favorites, but I know they are good for me, so I eat them. There are foods that I really enjoy but I know are not good for me at all, so I must entirely avoid them. There are foods that I can enjoy in moderation, or in small amounts. The same applies to the relationships and in people in my life.
My son and I have a friend we dearly love, but who is married to a woman neither of us can stand. While we want to maintain a friendship with him, and visit with him, we know that we must have some association with his wife as well. I sort of look at it like eating my favorite biscuits and gravy. I can have small amounts once in a while, but can’t take very much or very often.
In the past when I had weight problems, I would change my eating habits temporarily, but as soon as I lost a few pounds, I went back to eating in an unhealthy manner. I think I have done the same thing when dealing with people in my life who were unhealthy or toxic. I would get them (or people like them) out of my life for a while, sort of like a “crash diet,” but then when I felt better, go back to the old dysfunctional and unhealthy lifestyle.
Now, in my emotional and relationship life, I have made a commitment to a LIFESTYLE CHANGE, just as I have in my dietary and nutritional status. I’m not just on a “short term diet.” I am making healthy choices for life. I am working on living a balanced life, a healthy life, and not “slipping” off of a short term change, back into the old unhealthy habits.
Dear TB,
You spoke above more truth than I think you intended to….”normal day in torture land” and that IS SO TRUE. We get used to these things and we don’t realize that there is any other way to live. We get used to the drama and think that everyone lives that way.
I used to say “Union Rescue mIssion” which is the “wino shelter” in Little Rock but not everyone knows what it is so I just say “wino shelter” now, but essentially that is what it is a shelter for homeless winos and mentally ill. It isn’t a joke though that we COULD go get us a “man” there if we set our sites low enough on what we want in a companion/mate.
Lots of them are mentally ill, substance addicted, have no job skills, no assets, and/or do have criminal records and/or a history of abusive behavior. So if we are willing to accept a “flawed” individual into our lives, where do we draw the line?
I only have a FEW close friends and family left but you know, I have kept the cream of the crop, the gold standard, and I have gotten rid of the rest…so I think I am VERY blessed with quality over quantity. TOWANDA!!!! GO GREYHOUND!!! Thank God and Greyhound she’s gone.
Ox: You bet I know where that Union Rescue Mission was in Little Rock. I drove past it several times a week regarding work. I’d nearly faint if I got stopped by a train. Who knows, my Prince Charming might have been sprawled out there on the concrete! AHAHAHAHAAAAAA!
LOL=Greyhound! ;P
Dear Ox,
Great post! About 6 years ago, I started having problems with low energy, getting easily out of breath and was just plain tired all the time. I could sleep all afternoon and still be in bed at 8, sleeping through to the next morning. I had an appointment with my doctor for a checkup and I remember that the morning of my appt., my doctor’s office called and said he was out for the day and wanted me to reschedule. Something in me knew something was wrong and so I insisted that I see his partner. I was still with the spath at the time and I had an early appointment, so I hauled his sorry butt out of bed and told him he had to take me to see the doctor. Long story short, I went to the doctors, he did an EKG right in the office and told me to go to the hospital immediately.
I was scared at this point, very scared. I went to the hospital and was immediately hooked up to any and all machines. I was tested in every way and told I was in heart failure. I was in shock! I was only 48 and had been healthy. Still, something in me told me I HAD to see a doctor that day and thank God I listened to that inner voice. The news was bad; heart failure and a heart attack. I was in shock about that as well. A heart attack!?!? At that age? The spath called my children and I learned later that my poor daughter and son had to pull over to the side of the road because they were crying so hard. The following morning I was scheduled for a heart cath, a test in which they insert a wire and put dye in to check your arteries, etc. It wasn’t a heart attack. I had contracted a virus from having had a cold and the virus had gone to my heart. Many people die from this. I had all of 19% of my heart working and was immediately scheduled to go to the Cleveland Clinic for a further workup for a heart transplant.
I will NEVER forget this: I was hooked up to all the wires and IV’s and when my daughter got there (she was 4 hrs. away, in college at the time), she crawled right into bed with me. She and I cuddled up and she put her head on my shoulder and cried and cried. I still tear up to this day when I think about that. I remember crying with her and reassuring her that Mom was NOT going to die.
I was closer to another hospital but I chose the clinic because all of my kids lived in that area. That’s my hometown. It took 8 weeks for me to be seen there and in the meantime I was put on more meds than I could ever have imagined. Salt was my enemy, I was allowed no more than 2 liters per day of fluid to drink and I had to follow a very strict diet. So much for the Big Macs! I had ALWAYS loved those. What I had was exactly what killed Jim Hensen, the creator of the Muppets. I started learning, reading as much as possible, taking the meds, changing EVERYTHING in my life. Funny as I look back; would have been a good time to get rid of the spath too! But at the time, I honestly thought I needed him around to take care of our son.
Something inside of me told me that I would NOT need the heart transplant, that I would be OK, at least to some degree.
My oldest son drove down to where I was living at the time and picked me up for my day at the Cleveland Clinic. The day was jam packed, with one test after another. They also have a counselor on staff that sees all of the patients and their families. I now know this is to determine how much support one will get from their family if a transplant is indeed needed. It was the last appointment of a very long day. My mother and one sister had driven to the clinic to be there as “support”. Well, it was a disaster. My mother spent the entire time telling her what a mess my life was, how I had never done this or that, told her about my divorce and so on. The counselor actually stopped her and asked her to leave. She also had my sister leave as well. My other son and daughter were there and they were visibly upset at how my mother had behaved. Finally, it was me and the counselor. She asked me if I had good friends. My answer was YES and it was NOT my family. She saw it. She understood that there was a fractured relationship there. I told her I knew I could count on my children. They were the ONLY ones I could trust and she agreed. To be honest, the counselor was horrified at my mother’s diatribe. She told me to count on those friends who are PURE gold and my children.
The good news was that the heart meds along with the diet and lifestyle change had been working. In just 8 weeks, my heart had gone from 19 to 28% and I was too healthy for a transplant! Of course, I could still easily spend the day sleeping, get up for just a couple of hours and I was back in bed again. In all of this, the spath had started his drug thing again, was not showing up and I had a wonderful neighbor who pitched in. (To this day, I still adore that woman.)
One of the side effects of the meds was that you gain a lot of weight. A LOT. I had always been slender and quickly went from 125 to 182 lbs. I hated it! The healthier I became, the more I hated the way I looked and felt. Of course, I had to continue the meds. There was no other choice in this. Here I was, following “the rules” and still gaining weight. I was far more active than I had been just a few months before and I forgot one thing in all of this: gratitude. I SHOULD not be here. If one looks at the percentages for those who have what I’ve had, many don’t live.
I started thanking God every morning and every night. I knew that I was alive for a reason and while I could not see that reason right then, I trusted in Him. I knew that while I didn’t like how I looked, it was a necessary side effect of my meds and that didn’t mean it would be forever.
Gradually, my heart grew stronger, I started working more and more, I was on lower dosages of my meds and as the dosages dropped, the weight started to come off. I found something out, however. As I grew older, it was FAR harder for me to take off the weight. I had never, ever had problems losing weight. This was a whole new thing for me!
I realized something interesting. My mother, who has always battled weight issues, was HAPPY that I was heavier than I had ever been. She would make open comments on my weight, comments NOT acceptable. I was shocked by her comments and her behavior. I was ALIVE. Was that not enough? And then I thought back to what she had said and how she had acted with the counselor. She was critical, no matter what was happening.
Fast forward to today: I, like you Ox, changed my entire lifestyle. It isn’t just a “diet” in terms of food. I am also changing my life in terms of who I allow in it and I have just recently let go of my own mother. She is hyper-critical and always has been. She won’t change and I’m not trying to change her. I made a choice to not allow her in my life. She is the drama-rama queen. She is not a healthy person to be around. It took a long time for me to realize that if she was so willing to criticize me when I was looking at having a heart transplant, she will criticize until the day she passes.
It has been an hard choice, but honestly, I do not miss the drama. I am still receiving nasty messages from her. We are in a mess at this point because she co-signed for where I live (and am in the process of leaving) and she gave the spath permission to move in here with me AFTER I had moved clear across the country to get away from him. She didn’t consider MY point of view. She didn’t consider my feelings about any of this at all. I am fighting this slumlord on my own terms and she is furious she is in all of this. I certainly understand her not being happy but she has been VICIOUS in what she has said to me and about me. In the last few months, I had actually been seeing less and less of her for the very fact that every conversation is filled with negativity about one of her children and if not one of her children, then someone else. I have chosen not to be around.
I have learned so much and I have to give a lot of thank you’s to LF because it is here that I have learned that a true change of lifestyle involves ALL parts of our life; emotionally, spiritually, physically, financially and family as well. Simply because someone is a blood relation doesn’t mean they are good for you. Letting go of her was sad for me, but the farther away from her I become, the better I feel about myself. It’s EXACTLY how I felt when the spath was finally gone. I do NOT have to listen to nasty, snide remarks because she is my mother. I do NOT have to allow her to be a negative part of my life. I am done with that. And it feels great! I have owned any and all mistakes I made and still do. That is not an open invitation, however, to criticism.
I have been told it’s a miracle I’m alive. I recently went through an intense set of tests to see how my heart was doing and it’s almost back to normal again! I DO have some damage to a part of my heart muscle, but given where I was at one time, I am so lucky to be alive.
And I will NOT spend this life that has been given to me again living in negativity or being around it. I have “thinned out” my Rolodex as well, Ox. And I’ve let go of other family members as well. And I feel great!
Just as I have slowly let go of those not healthy for me, I have also lost weight. It didn’t happen overnight and I even allow myself a Big Mac now and then. REAL change truly does not happen overnight. At one point, that’s exactly what I wanted. Immediate loss of weight, miracle cure, blah, blah, blah.
I sincerely believe that when I remembered to be grateful for what was at that point in time, things started slowing changing in me. It’s been a voyage and I know I’m not done.
My “diet” has changed in all areas of my life. My Rolodex and refrigerator have a lot in common…both have been refilled with good people and good food. Sometimes, I forget that gratitude and then I get “snarky”. And then I remember where I was. I’m open for whatever is out there that is new and good, be it a good partner in life, a new REAL friend or whatever God has planned.
It’s interesting to me that once we start to change in one area of our life, it leads to changes in other areas as well. It’s all or nothing for me and I went for the “all” and don’t regret it a bit. We can “die” in more ways than one and I’ve learned that as well.
And I now know I’m alive because my son needs me. I am the one he counts on, trusts and knows I won’t let him down and if something happens, he knows I will try to make it OK for him.
It’s awesome to be alive!
Hugs to all,
Cat
Cat
Thank you for posting your very inspirational story. It’s so true that gratitude is our strength. And gratitude comes from humility that’s why the narcissist can’t be grateful. Sad for him because gratitude is the key to being happy.
Dear CAt,
WOW!!! You had a difficult road to walk, and I am glad that you are able to be grateful for the fact that you managed to survive! It is the old “I cried because I had no shoes until I saw someone with NO FEET” way of thinking. No matter how bad we have had it, it could have been worse.
If you have never read “Man’s Search for Meaning” by Dr. Viktor Frankl, get it and read it. He wrote it after he got out of the Nazi prison camps in WWII, about how we find meaning in life…a great book and was a great turn around for me.
My health went to hell in a hand basket with infections and the summer of the chaos 2007 I got rocky mountain spotted fever, and was critically sick, got it again in 2008, had a facial infection in my mouth that spread to my face and almost died in spring of 2005, etc. one thing after another—stress plays with our immune systems and everything else! Like the virus attacking your heart.
Getting rid of the things that cause us stress, and the PEOPLE who cause us stress is the BEST thing we can do for ourselves.
My “life style” change and my diet are both working, and the weight is coming off at a steady and realistic rate, no fancy-smancy “eat-nothing-but-ants-fried in coconut oil and drop 20 pounds a week” diets, or any other “short cuts” just eat smaller portions (calories DO count) and cut the sodium down to a reasonable level (less than 1500 mg per day) and I’m doing both of those things. Calories less than 1500 per day, sodium less than 1500mg per day, and upping the exercise. Started some different work outs for upper body today, just SLOWLY, nothing big or heavy, and keeping motivated.
Just like the stopping smoking…I should have done it decades ago, but had to get the MOTIVATION GOING. Same with the weight gain….but got the motivation going and I will reward myself once a month with a dinner out. I’m fortunately not to the point that I have heart failure, in fact, all that tested out very well for my age, even my lung functions and kidney functions were GREAT for my age! But they would NOT have continued to be if I hadn’t gotten serious about the sodium and the food intake! So, glad you are doing well, CAT, keep on keeping on!!!!
I am glad that you have distanced yourself from your mother, it is a shame you have to, but I don’t see any other choice you had. PEACE. (((hugs)))) Love Oxy
Cat: So glad you are doing so much better and thank you for sharing!
Sky: Good post!
Cat,
I grew up in Bay Village, OH (a suburb of Cleveland, OH). Your mother sounds similar to my mother (critical of others, causing me to be hypersensitive to other people’s feelings.) – she can be a difficult person (for my siblings and I) to be around, embarrassing us with her words and actions, totally understanding wanting to avoid your own mother. You have had some tough times, but you’re still going, getting to higher ground. God Bless.
Hi TB
I loved your and oxy’s jokes about winos. I used to say that if I’d married a slug that I’d scraped from the bottom of my shoe, I’d have been better off!
Hi Ox!
I consider myself to be one of the luckiest people in the world and if others aren’t going to celebrate life with me,then I have to let them go. I HAVE read some of Dr. Frankl’s writing and he is just amazing! To have gone through what HE did, I told myself I was very, very lucky. I’m fighting it out here with this slumlord and I am doing it because I SHOULD have done it long ago. I understand all about the MOTIVATION to change. It has to come from within and it sounds to me like you’re doing a good job! That’s a really reasonable amount of sodium and sometimes hard to stick to! And the same with the calories. I remember days when I DID go for those fries and I had to learn to not beat myself up when I did. Besides, I had my mother around to do that! And while it’s sad, it’s life and if I have learned anything, it’s that we cannot change others, only ourselves. What is amazing is that as we do change, certain people, attitudes and ideas are no longer acceptable. And I am finding the more I change, the more truly GOOD people come into my life and of course I go through the trust thing. I really do make people PROVE they deserve my trust. I don’t know if I will ever stop doing that but for right now, it works.
YOU have had a whole lot of health issues yourself! Isn’t it interesting that when you have one health issues, others just seem to follow and follow and on and on?? I’ve found that to be the case and then finally you get to the point where: ENOUGH. And we start doing all that stuff that was “suggested” because the alternative is not that rosy. I HATED some of the stuff I had to start eating, but I ate it and then I got used to it and it wasn’t so bad. I always think of the alternative…and I could still go there. I’m far more susceptible to getting a virus again then most people because I’ve already had it happen. I do take vitamins and try to make sure I’m not around people with colds if I don’t have to be.
YOU have walked through it just as I have and you’ve made it!
bluejay, Bay Village? Nice area if I recall! I’m really from a small town just south of Cleveland, right down I-71. Yes, my mother is like that. She never ceases to amaze me; give her half a chance and she’s criticizing one of her kids and she does it even with strangers! She taught me something important: to never, ever do that to my own kids. I wouldn’t dream of doing to them what my own mother has done in public. My mother goes for the “victim”, “martyr” roles. I can see how easy it is to go there and I can honestly say I played those roles myself at one time. But I’m past that. It’s all about drama, drama, drama. I just want peace and more peace. And strangely enough, I’ve felt sad, but I don’t feel guilty. I just finally reached the point of “enough”.
sky: I hear you! LOL