By Ox Drover
I slipped into an unhealthy lifestyle after my husband died six years ago. Slowly I let things deteriorate until I had gained a significant amount of weight, about 10 pounds a year. I started to feel bad and wasn’t really sure just why, but in the back of my mind I knew I had ignored the “red flags” of that needle on my scale creeping up. I had been in “denial” with, “Oh, it’s just a couple of pounds.”
Many times I have realized that my life has been “out of whack” just a little bit at a time, that I have been doing unhealthy things that didn’t immediately impact my life dramatically, but just a “little bit at a time.” Like a bucket filling up one drop at a time, eventually it gets full, if we don’t stop the dripping.
With my weight and my health problems beginning to become apparent, I realized I couldn’t continue to do the unhealthy things I had been doing and continue to enjoy good health. I started to have a little swelling in my feet, and I had always eaten a great deal of salt. It couldn’t be the salt, could it? I was discussing this (really, arguing with) my young physician and I told her, “Well, I’ve always eaten a large amount of salt and it never hurt me before!”
She looked at me and laughed and said, “Well, you’ve never been this old before!” I laughed too, but she was right! I had to quit being in denial that all the little unhealthy things I was doing in my food and exercise lifestyle were not adversely effecting my life and my health. I needed to alter my lifestyle, not just my “diet.”
I realize that I have done other unhealthy things as well. I have allowed others within my circle of family and friends to contribute to this unhealthy way of doing things. It isn’t just a matter of “going on a diet” and shedding a few pounds and then going back to the way things were. It isn’t just a matter of telling a person to stop treating me the way they were, and then go back to the way things were. It is a matter of lifestyle changes that are consistent and long lasting.
Stop and think
With the matter of my nutritional intake and my exercise regimen, I had to actually stop and think every time I went to the kitchen. I had to make plans in advance of how I would fix a meal and had to shop with more forethought, rather than just “grabbing” something out of the pantry and throwing it on the stove.
How many calories, how much sodium, did I have the ingredients I needed? It wasn’t quite as easy any more to put a meal on the table. It required me to actually meal plan days in advance, to shop for those items, to rearrange my budget to take these increased costs for “low sodium” products into account instead of cooking the way I had and following the habits I had for forty years.
I had to do the same thing with my relationships, taking into account the behavior of others in my life—what I would tolerate and what I wouldn’t. What would my boundaries be? Just like I don’t want to take all the taste and enjoyment out of my food in order to “eat healthy,” I don’t want to take all the enjoyment and pleasure out of my relationships either, but at the same time, I can’t tolerate a lot of substances that are toxic to my health, or relationships that are toxic to my soul.
Balance
I have to come to a balance of enjoyment and toleration. There are things I have to eat now that are not my favorites, but I know they are good for me, so I eat them. There are foods that I really enjoy but I know are not good for me at all, so I must entirely avoid them. There are foods that I can enjoy in moderation, or in small amounts. The same applies to the relationships and in people in my life.
My son and I have a friend we dearly love, but who is married to a woman neither of us can stand. While we want to maintain a friendship with him, and visit with him, we know that we must have some association with his wife as well. I sort of look at it like eating my favorite biscuits and gravy. I can have small amounts once in a while, but can’t take very much or very often.
In the past when I had weight problems, I would change my eating habits temporarily, but as soon as I lost a few pounds, I went back to eating in an unhealthy manner. I think I have done the same thing when dealing with people in my life who were unhealthy or toxic. I would get them (or people like them) out of my life for a while, sort of like a “crash diet,” but then when I felt better, go back to the old dysfunctional and unhealthy lifestyle.
Now, in my emotional and relationship life, I have made a commitment to a LIFESTYLE CHANGE, just as I have in my dietary and nutritional status. I’m not just on a “short term diet.” I am making healthy choices for life. I am working on living a balanced life, a healthy life, and not “slipping” off of a short term change, back into the old unhealthy habits.
Dear Cat,
Yea, I’ve always been relatively healthy and physically active, but the stress has really done a number on me, especially since the death of my husband in July 04, the chaos of the psychopaths from early 06 and all the other stuff, it just mounts up, like a bucket filling up from even a continual drip drip drip of water!
I’ve whined about the diet and the low sodium, LOL but over all I am really doing well, and the weight is coming off slowly and in a healthy manner. The low sodium diet is totally effective too, and again, I was probably eating 8-10,000 mg of sodium per day in addition to too many calories and not exercising enough, but sticking to the lifestyle CHANGE is going to be like sticking to not smoking—JUST QUIT WHINING AND DO IT. LOL I may continue to whine a bit, but it is necessary to make those changes to live a healthy way and I am determined to do what I know is RIGHT–whether it is getting a toxic person out of my life or getting rid of excess lard off my arse!
I really like the little web site http://www.fatsecret.com and it helps me keep on track with recording the exercise I do and the calories I eat as well as automatically tracks the % of carbs, fat, and protein and I’m getting pretty close to the American Heart Association recommendation in the % of the things I eat, as well as the sodium, blood sugar levels, and blood pressure.
I started out with good genetics as far as physical health is concerned, and that is a good thing, but I have abused my good genetics as long as I can and so now it is high time I start being good to myself and quit abusing my body, spirit and mind.
I wish I could go back and do a “do over” with what I know now, but can’t do that so have to start where I am and go forward from here.
Like this article.
Wish I’d read it before.
Was just making an analogy to chocolate cake and dieting..ha ha
It makes sense.
Dear Ox,
Don’t we all wish we do do a “do over”? And do it in so many parts of our lives as well? I know that’s certainly the case for me at times. It’s never too late to start, right where you are, to make changes. Some, such as myself with my heart, had no choice. Then again, I see the spath being gone as a no choice. Either we went or I went crazy. Pretty simple and yet so hard to do. I came to understand that being with the spath was a HABIT. I came to understand that it was an addiction and I was addicted to him just as I was a few other things in my life that weren’t healthy. Bit by bit, just as I let go of my mother, I am letting go of unhealthy foods and relationships. I think they have a lot in common; immediate gratification with a horrific payoff later….
Dear Cat,
I’ve come to see that I had several unhealthy things in my life from tobacco to people and some of them I KNEW were unhealthy and I deliberately continued to do them, KNOWING they were bad.
Just as an alcoholic or drug addict continues to drink or use, I just happened to be addicted to a LEGAL (but still toxic) substance, nicotine. I wasn’t even ignorant or even in denial really I KNEW and still chose to engage in that behavior and addiction…..I think on some level I knew with my P son at least that I should have to let him go completely, just like I did with my P-sperm donor, but I didn’t do what I knew I really should do and that was “denial” because I openly refused to believe what my eyes saw and my hears heard.
Jesus said “they have ears and hear not, they have eyes and see not” and boy what that a great description of MY DENIAL! I did not want to accept the truth of what my eyes and ears saw and heard so I blocked it, and sometimes it was difficult to block but DENIAL is a powerful thing, and actually SHORT TERM is a good thing because it keeps us from being overwhelmed by some big loss, but if we don’t accept ti and stay on in denial, the corpse starts to STINK after a while and it takes more effort to deny that it is stinking.
There are times now I am starting to feel comfortable in my own skin and in where I am now and those times are getting more and more frequent. In fact, most of the time I think of myself NOW as a “non” smoker rather than a “former” smoker if that makes any sense. I don’t crave the cigarettes, but do get a twinge once in a while, but I have set my mind firmly against giving in to that temptation, so it is much easier to keep from allowing myself to give in. I don’t worry about giving in. I KNOW I will NOT. So I feel safe actually going around people who ARE smoking even if sometimes it does tempt me.
FOOD though is still a BIG temptation as I can’t give it up all together but I do know I have made up my mind that I will NOT go over 1500 calories per day or 1500 mg of sodium. So far I have only gone over 1500 cal on two days and one of those was by 63 and the other 62 calories (like one half of a small apple) so I am very proud of my OCD about the diet, I’m sticking to it. The sodium is also 100% on target or less.
Last night I was “starving” after dinner and I wanted something to chew so I got a bowl of shreaded cabbage which is essentially little or no calories and gnawed on that! LOL That is desperation too as I don’t particularly LIKE cabbage! LOL But making myself do the right thing, the healthy thing, even when I don’t want to has a reward of its own, proof to myself that I can do whatever I NEED TO DO to take care of myself! That even though in the past I have not take care of me, NOW I WILL PUT MYSELF FIRST even when it is difficult.
Like EB says, when you face up to the fact that the worst thing they can do to you is kill you, you realize that living in terror is worse than dying and we do THAT to ourselves when we give them control over our fears.
WE can take back OUR CONTROL!!!! TOWANDA!!!!
Oxy,
Loved your article! right on! it’s so what I’ve allways said about dieting…there is no such thing… it’s all about a life style change!!! & ATTITUDE CHANGES…..and so it is with toxic relationships.
When stuck with N/S/P’s in our lives that we can’t completely eliminate, either because we have kids with them or they are family members, or people in our social or work life it is a bit harder to do. But a balance of surrounding ourselfves wth spirit nurturing activites, people that trully love us and support us, healthy foods, good excersize and most of all BEING AWARE AND CONCIOUS OF WHAT WE DO, can become life style changes that can help our health and save our lives.
My anxiety attacks got so bad at one point I thought I was having a heart attack and thought I was litteraly going to dye of a broken heart. The minute I changed my life style which meant NC and altering my activites for a while so that I wouldn’t run into the S……along with all the mentioned above, the anxiety attacks subsided.
Even now as I am learning more and more of the betrayals and abuses I suffered before I could identefy them, now, when I occasionally run into the ex-S (as we travel in the same community)….my attitude is one of APATHY …my health comes first.
Dear Aeylah,
Good for you!!! TOWANDA!!! The Nirvana of INDIFFERENCE is the pinnacle of where we want to go. To be totally indifferent to them. Hate is NOT the opposite of love, it is the other side of love and it is still ATTENTION, but apathy and indifference are the OPPOSITES OF LOVE because we could care less, we wouldn’t walk across the street to pee on them if they were on fire, we just do not care. Don’t wish good on them or bad on them. Just indifferent.
Hard to get there and maybe I never will completely, but I am working toward that goal and I think someitmes I am truly approaching it at least with some of the psychopaths. I am no longer grinding my teeth off to the roots at least! LOL
Good to see you around. Aeylah, I read one of your older posts the other day and wondered how you were doing! Thanks for checking back in. Don’t be “gone” so long next time! (((hugs))))
Dear Oxy, thanks for another of your great articles! Yes, it is really a life style change, not just a “quick fix”!
My mum always says: after the 40th birthday one has to choose between body or face (slim curves and wrinkles or fat body without wrinkles). She turned 80 and still cannot decide mentally, but the body has won, I am afraid. LOL
I learned recently that sodium has effects on people’s blood pressure only who were of low birth weight (<2,5 kg), all the others can eat salt in reasonable quantities and have not to pay too much attention to it regarding blood pressure. But you are right, one can get adjusted to too much of a good thing, and eating raw veggies without any condiments can enhance the taste buds qualities, along with no smoke 😉 Congratulations on that too!
For me, at the time when I was younger and in all the N/S/P-turmoil, the bodily fat, AKA "gold of the hips" (German Saying) was very beneficial as it served as a harness against all odds. It protected me from men approaching me for things I was very afraid of, it gave me a opportunity to feel bad about myself, enhanced my selfdepreciation, gave my family constant reasons to tell me what to do as I did not know it for myself (dress better, eat less, do some diet, cheer up! wear high heels to look better).
Food was my panacea for boredom, solace, anger, loneliness, reward, consolation, joy, revenge. And whenever I lost it it surely came back soon, and even more, as the underlying problems were still not solved. Now as I do not need my childhood harness anymore I have far less difficulties with discipline maintaining the new lifestyle.
My body is my wonderful efficiently working castle, and I want it to be the home for my precious soul, so that I AM the castle and I AM the soul, as a whole unity I am proud of and feeling comfi with ALL of it.
So I chose my eating mantra: "if it has to stay on my hips, it must be first class". This prevents me from all the junk, transfatty acids, salt- and sugar loaded fast food. I read lables, and when there are too many E-numbers or "hardened vegetable fats" I will not eat them as they clutter my arteries. Fortunately it is in almost all the cookies one can buy. When I want cookies I bake them myself. And then I eat without remorse. I have joined an online "food and weight diary" and keep track of my calories and weight, and when the weight is above a limit I switch to intense control. But it is as with LF, setbacks and falling off the waggon at times of stress happen quite frequently, and it is constant work and trying to improve and "fail better" (S. Beckett)
Have a peaceful evening!
libelle,
LF does make you fall off your good health wagon! I put on the 5 dress sizes I had lost before spath proprosed. I lost my joy for life that I had b4 spath! I had worked hard for balance in every level of my life… and I had it… Oxy says they mke you think up is down and down is up! this so true and when you feel like you are riding their rollercoaster the last thing you do is take care of yourself and get blance on those things in life.
I LOVE YOUR STATEMENT: So I chose my eating mantra: “if it has to stay on my hips, it must be first class”.
I hope you will alow me to use your quote:! Keep up the good work!
soimnotthecrazee!
Good Evening All…. have been busy last few days but read all comments when I could. This is all so new to me. I feel like I have been in an absyss. In a past posting someone talked about their s/p always trying to BOND with them. The s/p I was dating continuously talked about a way we could bond????
Now I know that was is code word for MONEY. My grandson wants my attention. Catch up with you guys later. Thanks for all your help. I’m Seeing Clearly Now.
Dear hens baby,
Howr you going?I lost your reply to me ,re getting the book “Meaning from Madness” on another thread.
Just like to say thanks, for recommending it. Its a very interesting trip into the disordered mind of the Narc/Socio/Psycho
They say” to Understand all is to forgive all. ”
Its going to take a while before I forgive them, but am willing to be made willing. This is NOT to say I will ever trust either of my spath Daughters ever again.It just goes to show you have to be VERY careful who you marry!!. Id no idea my ex husband was either an alcoholic or a spath. and Im still not sure he IS a spath, but both my daughters sure are!!
I think I can finally let myself off the hook re their upbringing, I did the very best I could, and they were NOT neglected, beaten up, ot verbally abused. They had every advantage, growing up, and my ex was sober for almost 10 years, and in that time he was a GREAT dad to them.I think I have to forgive MYSELF for giving birth to such disordered creatures, I dont think they are suffering, they only make others suffer!
What Im aiming fo now is the “Nirvana of Indifference.”Hard to do with your own flesh and blood, but I know they dont love me, heck, they dont even love themselves.According to this bok, they secretly LOATHE and DESPISE themselves, and have to create a cast iron mask, a false mask, to survive, and maintain the false illusion of Perfection.
Im going to have to read this book many times before I REALLY get it!The facy that they have NO empathy, NO consciense, NO remorse, NO finer feelings at all, really, and well NEVER get any form of apology or closure from them. I “GET” that my ONLY closure fom these sick, twisted bitches is NC forever.
I really believe they are DEEPLY jealous of me, and my achievements, and did their best to destroy me.Very chilling stuff to realise of your own adult children!Love, and Thanks,
Mama GemXX