By Ox Drover
I slipped into an unhealthy lifestyle after my husband died six years ago. Slowly I let things deteriorate until I had gained a significant amount of weight, about 10 pounds a year. I started to feel bad and wasn’t really sure just why, but in the back of my mind I knew I had ignored the “red flags” of that needle on my scale creeping up. I had been in “denial” with, “Oh, it’s just a couple of pounds.”
Many times I have realized that my life has been “out of whack” just a little bit at a time, that I have been doing unhealthy things that didn’t immediately impact my life dramatically, but just a “little bit at a time.” Like a bucket filling up one drop at a time, eventually it gets full, if we don’t stop the dripping.
With my weight and my health problems beginning to become apparent, I realized I couldn’t continue to do the unhealthy things I had been doing and continue to enjoy good health. I started to have a little swelling in my feet, and I had always eaten a great deal of salt. It couldn’t be the salt, could it? I was discussing this (really, arguing with) my young physician and I told her, “Well, I’ve always eaten a large amount of salt and it never hurt me before!”
She looked at me and laughed and said, “Well, you’ve never been this old before!” I laughed too, but she was right! I had to quit being in denial that all the little unhealthy things I was doing in my food and exercise lifestyle were not adversely effecting my life and my health. I needed to alter my lifestyle, not just my “diet.”
I realize that I have done other unhealthy things as well. I have allowed others within my circle of family and friends to contribute to this unhealthy way of doing things. It isn’t just a matter of “going on a diet” and shedding a few pounds and then going back to the way things were. It isn’t just a matter of telling a person to stop treating me the way they were, and then go back to the way things were. It is a matter of lifestyle changes that are consistent and long lasting.
Stop and think
With the matter of my nutritional intake and my exercise regimen, I had to actually stop and think every time I went to the kitchen. I had to make plans in advance of how I would fix a meal and had to shop with more forethought, rather than just “grabbing” something out of the pantry and throwing it on the stove.
How many calories, how much sodium, did I have the ingredients I needed? It wasn’t quite as easy any more to put a meal on the table. It required me to actually meal plan days in advance, to shop for those items, to rearrange my budget to take these increased costs for “low sodium” products into account instead of cooking the way I had and following the habits I had for forty years.
I had to do the same thing with my relationships, taking into account the behavior of others in my life—what I would tolerate and what I wouldn’t. What would my boundaries be? Just like I don’t want to take all the taste and enjoyment out of my food in order to “eat healthy,” I don’t want to take all the enjoyment and pleasure out of my relationships either, but at the same time, I can’t tolerate a lot of substances that are toxic to my health, or relationships that are toxic to my soul.
Balance
I have to come to a balance of enjoyment and toleration. There are things I have to eat now that are not my favorites, but I know they are good for me, so I eat them. There are foods that I really enjoy but I know are not good for me at all, so I must entirely avoid them. There are foods that I can enjoy in moderation, or in small amounts. The same applies to the relationships and in people in my life.
My son and I have a friend we dearly love, but who is married to a woman neither of us can stand. While we want to maintain a friendship with him, and visit with him, we know that we must have some association with his wife as well. I sort of look at it like eating my favorite biscuits and gravy. I can have small amounts once in a while, but can’t take very much or very often.
In the past when I had weight problems, I would change my eating habits temporarily, but as soon as I lost a few pounds, I went back to eating in an unhealthy manner. I think I have done the same thing when dealing with people in my life who were unhealthy or toxic. I would get them (or people like them) out of my life for a while, sort of like a “crash diet,” but then when I felt better, go back to the old dysfunctional and unhealthy lifestyle.
Now, in my emotional and relationship life, I have made a commitment to a LIFESTYLE CHANGE, just as I have in my dietary and nutritional status. I’m not just on a “short term diet.” I am making healthy choices for life. I am working on living a balanced life, a healthy life, and not “slipping” off of a short term change, back into the old unhealthy habits.
Dear Gem = I cant find that thread i posted to you on either..I am gonna have to start writing down the threads name when i post to somebody or I may never see a response or comment. Gem I am gonna be blunt with you. You must let go of some of this anger and bitterness with your daughters, I dont know the whole story but as long as you stay in this state of mind they control you. Mabye I have reached that nirvana place you speak of. I just dont have the energy or desire to be mad at anybody.. I sorted out the motives of my enemy’s, be it friend, parent or lover..once you know what their mindset is that is nirvana..so unless they are trying to do me physical harm i have the upper hand on them, it’s called no contact – I win…
Hens:
Good advice.
Yesterday I glanced at the calendar and was struck by the date. I couldn’t figure out why it was nagging at me. And then it hit me.
I remembered that 3 years ago on that day I stepped off a curb, ruptured my achilles tendon and began to learn how self-centered and lacking in empathy my S-ex was. Then I remembered that 2 years ago on that day I threw the S-ex out of my apartment on that very day, looked at the destroyed mess my life was and seriously thought of killing myself. One year ago on that day I was out of work, with no prospects.
But, what really struck me was that until the date jogged my memory, I hadn’t thought of the S-ex in several weeks. More to the point, I didn’t have any anger left or for that matter any feelings at all.
Several weeks earlier I had lunch with a friend who I had met through the S-ex. This friend had bailed S-ex out when he was arrested and then allowed S-ex to live with him when he was released from prison. My friend brought up what he had learned S-ex was up to. He told me something that if used with other information I had on S-ex, would blow him right out of the water. And know what? I no longer cared. That night I watched “Diary of a Mad Black Woman”. Madea has this line that I think sums it up. She says, in effect, “If you’ve got the chance to get back at somebody whose done you wrong, do you take it? If you do, you’re not over him. If you don’t, you are.”
And that’s when I realized, I didn’t give a damn about him, getting back at him, what happened to him, what will happen to him, revenge — none of it.
I am so over the hurt, I am so over the revenge. I don’t feel the need to warn his newest victim. I would much rather put my energy into the relationship I entered after S-ex (18 months and still going strong!). In sum, I have entered the nirvana of indifference.
By letting go of all the anger and negative energy, hell, by letting go of any thoughts I had of that piece of crap, my life is so much better. So much change in the last year — after over a year out of work I got the dream job. Last week I went to contract on a great house. My boyfriend has been interviewing down here and is looking to relocate down here. Things are good in my life.
And you called it right — it’s called no contact — I win.
Dear Matt,
Thanks for checking in and your post is so great!!! The nirvana of indifference is the goal for me too. Not all the way there yet, but getting closer.
Got the presentation to the parole board back form the attorney and it is a really good one, and frankly, I don’t think there’s a snow ball’s chance in hell of P son getting parole, but if he does, I will handle that—all preparations are made.
Getting my life back on track along with my “life style change” (don’t call it a diet!) and my low sodium diet (call it cat carp for dinner!) but am doing much much better physically, mentally and emotionally!
Glad that things are going well for you! Don’t forget about us here at LF! Love hearing from you!!! (((hugs)))
Oxy!
Thanks for the shout out. The one dim cloud in my sky at the moment is nonstop dental work. First it was the bone grafts for implants. Then it was the screws for implants. Then it was two crowns. Then it was the endontist because I needed a root canal. Then the endontist blew out another crown when drilling and got an infection. And on. And on. And on.
But, the pain from the root canal and the after effects is so minor compared to what the S-ex put me through.
Glad to hear you got a good attorney to fight P’s parole. As a citizen I commend you for doing your part at cleaning up the environment. Or maybe it’s what my mother used to say “A place for everything and everything in its place.”
As for lifestyle changes — I wish Trader Joe’s would ban their salt and pepper potato chips. My diet would be much healthier.
good to read you Matt…stay in touch ~!
Thanks Oxy!
Those “nirvana moments” of complete APATHY come and go….much to my amazement they are more of what I currently feel… but I still do some teeth grinding from time to time myself!
Matt:
CONGRATULATIONS on reaching “complete nirvana” of not givin a D@.......$nm!!!! and finally having the job and love you deserve.
Love that phrase ……………………………………….“If you’ve got the chance to get back at somebody whose done you wrong, do you take it? If you do, you’re not over him. If you don’t, you are.”
Aeylah:
Thanks.
I love that line myself. The movie is also a great story of reaching the place of nirvana. You have a hell of a good time on the journey with the spurned ex-wife as she wreaks her revenge on her husband, but you also see how she gets to her place of nirvana.
I also think you get to nirvana after you finally get the lesson that you’re supposed to learn. I used to be daddy to the world and let people get away with murder. I now think I had to learn the lesson of my S-ex to gain some self-respect and learn to set boundaries and see that I was entitled to respect, love and decent treatment. When I finally saw that, I think I was finally able to let go of the S-ex and move onto the nirvana of indifference. But, boy-oh-boy was it a hard trip.
Matt,
It is after going through our darkest hours that light finally shines through!
Good things happen once we embrace our light by doing the hard work it takes to get through the darkest hours. like you said….”get the lesson that you’re supposed to learn” combined with tenacity, dicipline and a commitment to ourselves no matter how hard it is.
I look at your success as an example and inspiration of what I will eventually accomplish. I’ve been un-employed over a year now, and despite the fact that I was laid off due to the economy and the company downsizing, I have come to realize that my job loss was probably equally compounded by the chaos, confusion and lack of my being able to concentrate when the ex-S was in my life. It is a slow hard trip…and it is about a lifestyle change as Roxy points out but if we are committed to learing and healling there is nirvana at the end…you are proof.
Dear Matt,
I had some implants back in the days when they were “new” (almost 24 years ago) and boy were they a failure….a painful failure. I’ve always tried to take care of my teeth, but sometimes there just comes a point you have to say to the tooth like you do with a psychopath, “you are not worth it, you are ruining my health and my life and causing too much pain and disorder in my life.” OUT!!!!
I hope all continues to go well with you and yours and that you can get your health and lifestyle and nutritional intake on track! I went 200 calories over my “limit” today because I didn’t realize that a half cup of dry roasted peanuts without salt had like nearly 500 calories! Oh, well….live and learn!
You and “Mr. Smith” my attorney in Texas are my two favorite lawyers—the other 99.9% of lawyers give you guys a bad name! Oh, this should tickle you, the other night I was at the home of a friend of my son’s for a party and the man of the house and another male friend (that I knew before the night of the party) were talking and how the subject came up I do NOT know, I swear I do not, but we were talking about how many hogs of what weight were necessary to consume a human body in 24 hours—a few minutes later when that happy conversation was ended, I asked the man I really didn’t know—“And what do you do?” He answered “I’m a FEDERAL PROSECUTOR” I laughed and said, “Oh, boy and I just told you my best way of disposing of a body!”
Our other friend laughed and said, “No problem, he is Italian and his FAMILY have been disposing of bodies for a long time!” (the guy IS Italian, first generation American, and speaks with a decided accent! LOL) We all had a great laugh!
He was one of the guys who prosecuted “the Rev.” Tony Alamo here in Arkansas for “marrying” the 9 year olds and transporting them across state lines for sex.
So glad things are working out so well for you, Matt! Hard to believe that you’ve been on LF nearly as long as I have! We’re both making progress toward that “nirvana of indifference” and that is the ultimate goal! (((hugs))))
Dearest hens, I know you are right, but Im not there yet.Forgiving them is one thing, forgetting is something else.
I think its the terrible pain and hurt, and the realisation that they are completely indiiferent to whether I live or die. And yes, I guess at one level you think,you bring up your kids, you do your absolute best for them, you sacrifice a lot for them because you love them, an d want to give them every opportunity and chance in life.And then to find that not only do they not love you but they actively hate you and plot and plan to do you down., and find ways to make you suffer.
Its so scarring The family I thought i had is a mirage.I have to forgive myself, for being taken in for so many years by my own kids.The anger is a necessary to me right now, as its stopping me from bleeding to death,its like my legs being chopped of at the knees, {my kids being the legs!}I know for my very mentall and emotional, and yes, financial survival, I have to completely SEVER ALL contact with them . Its NOT normal to have to do this with your own flesh and blood.Likea coyote, chewing of its own leg to get free, I have to “chew them off me”. And anger is the jet fuel I need right now, to save my own life from these bitches.Nirvana of indifference? Not even close yet, —one day!Mama gem.Xx