For the past several years Donna and I have attended the Battered Mothers Custody Conference and so we have been able to interact with domestic violence experts. Both of us were surprised to discover that although most of the worst spousal assault perpetrators have personality profiles indicative of sociopathy/psychopathy this fact is not recognized by many experts.
I have worked to become well acquainted with the scientific literature regarding intimate partner violence because I teach psychology of gender and because I very much want to understand why people who should know better often fail to diagnose sociopathy in perpetrators. This failure to diagnose has lead to intimate partner violence being erroneously interpreted as a gender issue related to male domination of females. This flies in the face of the real statistics which show that there are equal numbers of female perpetrators. The failure to recognize personality disturbance in female perpetrators has lead to male victims being further traumatized.
I am happy to report that the leading expert on intimate partner violence, Professor Donald Dutton of the University of British Columbia is fighting to correct the above misconceptions and to help people understand that domestic violence is perpetrated by disordered men and women.
In 1979, he cofounded the Assaultive Husbands Project, a court-mandated treatment program for men convicted of spousal assault. He has frequently served as an expert witness in civil trials involving intimate abuse and in criminal trials involving family violence. Dr. Dutton has published over 100 papers and four books, including Domestic Assault of Women, The Batterer: A Psychological Profile, Rethinking Domestic Violence and The Abusive Personality Violence and Control in Intimate Relationships.
I just finished reading The Abusive Personality and recommend it highly. In this book Dr. Dutton details the profile and personality structure of both male and female batterers. He makes a compelling case for his contention that personality disturbance is behind domestic violence in Western society. Next week I will summarize the personality profile of “Abusers” and explain how abuse relates to sociopathy/psychopathy.
Oxy, it blows my mind how some cultures condone physical and emotional abuse.
I recently heard that a 9 year old girl was gang raped — by her young cousins and neighbos. The girl’s father wasn’t upset at all — just at the police who picked up the boys and charged them!! He said, in his country, Liberia, this was an accepted practice!!!!!!!! Excused the boys because they were only doing what was common in their society!!!!!!
Yuck. Yuck Yuck. I think I’m learning more than I want to know!
OMG…….this article is what I have been saying…..it’s my ‘platform’ for applying for my states Counsil against Domestic Violence committee with the Attorney generals office here!…..I so believe this.
This information is what saved MY Life!!!! It gave me answers to the ‘why’s’ that I was looking for……
‘NORMAL” people do not ‘hurt’ others…..hit, punch, kill, mame, lash out……etc….There has to be a ‘why’ and I belive everthing this good DR. has written!
The WHY is because THEY are disordered. AND not in the sense the public thinks……..
If you poll your friends about what their interpretation is of Domestic Violence….it’s a man hitting a woman.
It goes both ways, for one……
BUT NO ONE EVER LOOKS AT THE BIGGER PICTURE OF WHY THIS IS OCCURING…….WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS PERSON……
Excuses are made for ‘him’, the victim is blamed, persecuted, rung out……and the perp walks away and soon enough everyone forgets………EXCEPT THE VICTIMS!!!!!!!
I hope I am granted this ‘position’ so I can do what I can to promote this information to the State. Law enforcement, therapists, judges, DA’s, Dom V advocates and survivors sit on this commitee…….I WANT TO BE THERE…….I want to make a difference, and take what I have learned and refer and educate and point these people that ‘make’ these decisions in our lives in this direction of education!!!!! It needs to be looked at in this light!
I AM A SURVIVOR….I WILL TURN MY EXPERIENCE INTO GOOD!!!!!!!
WAY TO GO DR. Dutton!!
WAY TO GO Dr. Leedom for posting this on LF, your quite an asset to our avenue of information!!!!!!
Oxy:
The p art teacher has started her attack already…you are right, the price is my soul. She gave me High distinction last semester. But its time to devalue and discard me. She has already smeared me to my favourite teacher.
Yeah, the cost is my soul, my art and my creativity.
TILLY:
WE give our souls voluntarily…….
You will have to find a way to keep your creativity and blossom from this…..
Remember, what may appear to be a ‘bad’ situation, we can turn into a good one.
I truely believe everything happens for a reason…..it’s steering us somewhere…..we need to be astute to figure this out…..but don’t fight it, don’t give in, don’t give up.
See where it’s steering you towards…..
Don’t sweat the ‘small stuff’.
Gain self esteem and self preservation and plow forward…..you already know you can overcome her…..you did last semester……duplicate those actions…..you may need to ‘knotch it up’ this semester to gain her ‘trust’…..but you can do it…..
Stay positive, keep your strength!!!!
I guess what it boils down to is….if we believe the statement that 1 in 4 people exhibit these traits….then it’s US that are going to have to learn how to ‘deal’ with them to be successful in our individual ventures.
unfortunately, as we have found out, the devastating way…..not all people think and act as we do…..
We must remain in control of our dreams!
To all who have suffered at the hands of violent parents, silblings partners:-
After my alcoholic S father broke mine and my sisters noses and punched the crap out of me generally when I was 14, my mother left for three weeks with me and my younger brother. Eventually, my mother spoke to him on the phone and she said he’d apologised: WELL NOT TO ME, HE HADN’T. We went back. He never laid another finger on me but boy did he up the ante on my mum. She wasted another 11 years of her life on him before she finally got out with my brother (I went at 21). He always behaved the next day as if nothing had happened. When my S ex partners broke my wrist, his immediate reaction was “Now look what you’ve made me do! I’ve never laid a hand on a woman in my life before”. Yeh, I’ll bet – just that no one had “told” yet, given the trouble he went to to compartmentalise his life so none of his ex women’s paths ever crossed – or so he thinks………… Me thinks he protesteth too loudly (LOL). He also had a big thing after an argument (once I started to stand up for myself) that I had to recognise my part in it. Well, I never ever started one – he was always the one who was ill tempered, antagonistic and provocative – no wonder I kept trying to walk away – shame I kept going back (idiot).
The whole ‘playing down’ thing allows it to continue. My mother would ‘play it down’ “to keep the peace”, we kids played it down through ‘shame’. The shame stays with you a long time and, unfortunately, I think the shame shapes us in adolensence and all the untangling has to be done later on – for some it never happens and maybe that’s why they/we continue to get targetted or are attracted into other abusive situations – just a thought.
Anyone else come across this INSTANT DEFENCE in their denial of their actions?
Escapee;
This is what I am referring to when I say, life has a way of teaching us these lessons….if we don’t ‘get them’ the first time, life will keep trying until we do finally get it! We do tend to run from pain, deny it…..it’s too big to handle, it’s really NOT happening…..we have to for our own temporary sanity….
So ……yes….instant defense…..oh yeah……
Also…..MY MOTHER is famouse for this…..I call her the denial queen! Still not sure she ‘get’s’ what my ex S did to me and my kids! It’s overwhelming to grasp……
Erin
Sounds like your mum has many unresolved issues. My dear mum spent the final years of her shortened life ‘untangling’ herself, trying to mend the damage to her relationship with my sister (who is much less forgiving than me and, to this day even though both our parents are dead, feels more resentment to my mother than she does my alcoholic S father). S/N/Ps cause, sometimes, lifelong havoc and yes, it is overwhelming to grasp. I think some people use the denial because the consequences of facing up to what they have ‘allowed’ to happen to them/their children/loved ones, is too painful to face. Maybe the people on this site are the brave ones afterall! I freely admit that, at times, it might have been easier to bury my head than deal with the reality of what I allowed – fortunately with my ex-S, it was mainly myself that I allowed to get so hurt, battered and emotionally ‘mashed’.
We mustn’t let ourselves get overwhelmed! Mostly, I aim for underwhelm these days – can get a bit dull, on the surface but ahhhh! the peace!
All love.
Dear Escapee,
UNDERWHELM!!! RIGHT ON! I think that after we have lived in chaos we tend, I know I sure do, to find peace a bit “boring.” But I am working on enjoying that peace.
Yesterday, I stood tall and told theTRUTH, it was painful to do it (especially in the middle of a store to a half believing audience of a couple of my mother’s friends, a minister and his wife) It was stressful to do so. I got home and felt really strong and glad I did it, but couldn’t shut my mind off last night and was 3:00 O’clock before I got to sleep. I essentially broke NC (at least emotionally)
I;m not devestated today, but am tired and a bit of dreading to do this—which is hoping that by giving documentary proof to this man who is a minister that my egg donor wants to “admire” her, he has said he will talk to her about the folly and the wrongness of sending money to the P-son. I know I can NEVER trust her–you can NEVER TRUST A LIAR—that tiger does not ever change their stripes, but if there is ANYTHING to keep her from sending him money or willing him thousands of dollars it is sxomething I NEED TO DO FOR MY OWN AND MY OTHER SONS’ SAFETY.
THIS IS A TEST—-I need to handle it well, externally AND internally. Life is overcoming challenges and this is an opportunity, I think…so think I need to take the opportunity I was given by “accidently” running in to this man. He asked me when I told him the story, “Why didn’t you call me?” I just DID NOT THINK ABOUT IT.
Oxy
Good luck in your mission. Hope you get a better night’s sleep tonight.