Contrary to a prevailing myth, sociopaths are really no smarter than the average individual”¦probably dumber. Sure, a good one can dupe you, but as I’ve written elswhere, this is no great shakes, as most of us can dupe each other if that’s our goal.
That’s because we enter relationships risking trust and faith in each other, which makes the exploitation of our trust and faith really easy. It takes no genius or particularly smart, crafty person to exploit this trust and faith. It’s as easy to do as it’s wrong.
And so, most sociopaths aren’t really that clever, or ingeniously bright. Most make messes not only of others’ lives, but their own too. Many end up in jail, and those who don’t are often finding trouble in other areas, exercising poor judgement all over the map, squandering friendships, family, and all sorts of meaningful opportunities.
By most standards of a successful life, sociopaths live lives of abject failure, accomplishing little more, at the end of the day, than having produced plenty of havoc and pain. None of this indicates that, as a group, sociopaths are smart.
Sometimes the media sensationalizes the sociopath as the dark, brilliantly predatory monster, especially in classic cases of psychopaths like Ted Bundy. But Ted Bundy wasn’t so smart. In the end, he was nothing but a vicious, sadistic murderer who managed to lure young, naïve girls sufficiently into his proximity to then viciously murder them.
How much of an accomplishment was this? To be able to lure naïve girls near enough to his car to then kidnap and kill them? Otherwise, OJ Simpson style, Bundy was ambushing dormitories at night and butchering innocent, sleeping college kids. Not exactly a genius, or courageous guy, at work here. Just a perverse, murderously violent, cowardly man.
Sure, Bundy was reputedly charming and articulate (video of him bears this out). But this didn’t make him “smart.” He was, clearly, adept at “masking” himself. But again, effective maskers aren’t smart; they’re just good maskers. And nonsociopaths routinely are good maskers.
Good masking, good self-disguising is a type of social skill, and not the purview of sociopaths exclusively. Also, many sociopaths are terrible maskers, just as many nonsociopaths are.
My point is that the “mask” is not an indication of “smartness.” It’s merely the case that some sociopaths, and some nonsociopaths, can mask aspects of themselves and their agendas effectively; but bear in mind, just as many do this very poorly.
In the end, sociopaths, as a group, have a poor track record of living effective lives. Rather, they live disruptive, unsatisfying lives”¦fraught with pathological attitudes and empathic deficits that bring misery to others and, correspondingly, much trouble and, at best, empty satisfaction, to themselves.
Sociopaths simply are not successful people. They may (or may not) skate along under the radar for some stretch of time, but this is not a “game” that smart people play, and that smart people get off on.
Only dumb people play this game. Only really dumb people live this way. Only really really dumb people derive satisfaction, for however long they can swing it, from pulling the wool over others’ eyes.
It’s just no great shakes to do this, and it doesn’t make you smart.
But there’s also some sick part of me that almost wishes he would contact me so I can finally shoot him down and gain back the dignity I lost in our relationship. I still feel so pathetic every time he talks to me, and he knows it because he talks down to me and speaks to me like I’m subhuman. I want to finally have my opportunity to stand up for myself
New Winter,
I’m so glad you posted. Welcome (hugs).
Your story is so familiar, yet there is something so wonderfully refreshing about it. Perhaps it’s the wonderful skin disease that your spath is living with. Yes, I think that’s it. It made my day. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. You might think I’m being sarcastic or exaggerating. but I’m not. It is so uplifting and inspiring to know that God does give us justice sometimes. (((((hugs)))))
As I was reading your story, I was so hoping that you hadn’t given him his DVD’s because I was going to suggest you cover them in excrement before dropping them off on his door step. But hey, you did better, you let him itch in his own excrement.
Your story is so sad in a way, because I can tell you are young and he tested you from the beginning by calling you a whore. He wanted to know how much BS you would willingly put up with. Unfortunately you passed.
BTW, there is no question that your ex is a vicious sociopath. It’s sad that you had to experience that. On the other hand, you are smart and inquisitive and you figured him out before you spent 25 years with the evil slime, like I did.
Yes, it’s normal, to think of him, wishing he was different, but contrary to popular belief, normal isn’t actually healthy. It’s normal for people to want to believe that the world is basically good and that everyone has some good in them. It’s normal because it helps keep us optimistic and helps us keep going to live our great lives like we were meant to. It’s not healthy though, because it leads to risk taking behavior. We give everyone the benefit of the doubt.
You need to balance your optimism with KNOWLEDGE. The knowledge of the red flags which always reveal the spath’s true nature. The red flags are very much like the itchy bumps your spath had. They are signs of the disease and that disease has a name: Psychopathy. When you see itchy bumps OR red flags, go No Contact.
No Contact is great because it not only saves us but it tortures them. What a great package!
You said you’ve been reading here for a while. So you must realize that all of his “walking on sunshine” crap and other online flirting was meant to drive you insane, right? Sociopaths want us to commit suicide, they like the drama, they don’t give a shit about you. They want us to go into the depths of despair. They are good at it, so we have to be better. AND YOU ARE BETTER.
new winter, you have already stood up for yourself,
you have your dignity back,
you can shoot him down by refusing to talk to him.
Skylar! Hugs back 🙂 That post just made my night. Man, it felt so good to see some passion! And I’m glad you don’t think I’m a horrible person for not telling him the name of that skin disease! I gave him enough chances, and finally I saw the light and realized he was using me.
It’s so weird when you’re actually in the relationship how you don’t see ANY of this happening. The thing was, I’ve always been a pretty smart person (ESPECIALLY good with people and understanding them), and something was always off with him. I wanted to love him so badly, and I did, but my heart always felt uneasy around him. When I stopped tolerating his bullshit and lies, that’s when he started to freak out and call me crazy. It was all defense because he knew I was so quickly starting to understand him.
It really hurt that this was one of my first real relationship. What an awful starting point, huh? My standards of men after that was just assuming that all men would treat me like dirt and mock me and insult me. What I started to find was that very good guys existed and treated me very kindly. I will never again fall for the charming guy or the one who takes over my life.
So in a way, it really does stink to have that as my first, but it also (hopefully) guarded me from ever repeating a mistake like that again. I know a genuine man when I meet him now, instantly. And I know a scumbag even quicker 🙂
Your idea about him asking me about the “whore” thing sent chills down my spine! I never even thought about that. It makes sense now, because no kind / good guy would EVER say that. But to me, it was just normal.
I’m so glad there’s no doubt in your mind about him being a sociopath, because I’ve read a lot of your posts here and you really seem to know your stuff 🙂
I’m so sorry to hear you had 25 years with your jerk. That must have been so difficult, I don’t know what I ever would have done. But now you’re helping so many others by sharing your story, it means so much!
I didn’t even think about the “walking on sunshine” status and wanting to drive me crazy. I treated him so well in the relationship and gave him everything, it’s impossible for me to believe he could think of my depression or death as funny. But… I’m starting to realize he can and did.
New winter,
Mine started when I was 17. it was a life sentence and I was paroled 25 years later. I think I’m still on parole.
I’m so glad you are out. get your armor on because there are many more crafty spaths out there. You have so much good to do in the world, I don’t want you to miss another minute of it to a spath.
Oh my gosh! 17 🙁 That’s horrible. How did you finally get out of it??
New winter,
by God’s grace. It’s a long story. My upbringing made me patient and long suffering, so I stayed much longer than I should have. Finally I told him there was no more money and he decided to play a final con on me. I saw through it because he got too cocky. They are audacious. They think that we put up with them because they are so great, when in fact, it’s just because we feel sorry for their pathetic asses. Don’t ever let the pity ploy get you. It’s their BEST bargaining chip for us soft-hearted women. Harden your heart.
Dear New Winter,
Is it scabies (“the itch?”) I hope so! It is very contagious. LOL Not serious but very irritating! LOL
Anyway, glad you are better and glad he isn’t! Just NO CONTACT will drive him crazy—-and keep in mind, he is scratching while he waits for you to call or answer his calls.
YOu are much better off now that he is out of your life. Keep him out of your life. Don’t ever settle for anyone who comes on to you too fast like he did. Read here and learn about how to spot the red flags of a sociopath and then watchh for them and when you see someone who has those red flags RUN before you get hooked like a fish on a line! KNOWLEDGE IS POWER, so learn all you can! Again, welcome!
skylar, I can’t believe your story! That’s horrible, and he will get what he has coming to him in the end. I’m so glad you saw through his cockiness– I hate that more than anything in the spath. They think they’re above everyone. Satisfying that you won in the end 🙂
Ox Drover, thank you! I’ve seen tons of your posts too, and that really means a lot to me to hear from you! And yep, it’s scabies lol, but he’ll never figure it out. He’s an idiot.
These red flags that everyone mentions– are there any more big ones?
New winter,
These red flags that everyone mentions”“ are there any more big ones?
LOL!
Let me count the ways!
I just don’t know where to start!
they always do the trauma bond thing. that means they are hot then cold. You mentioned it yourself. You said he was over the top communicating and then when you wanted to communicate, he wouldn’t.
Same with sex. first they can’t please you enough and then NOTHING.
If there is nothing else to notice then notice the wide swing in the love bomb. First, they can’t love you enough, then you are disgusting to them.
It’s all lies.
Speaking of lies, they are called the PEOPLE OF THE LIE because they lie audaciously. When you notice ridiculous lies which they are adamant about insisting it’s the truth, then you know that you have a spath.