Contrary to a prevailing myth, sociopaths are really no smarter than the average individual”¦probably dumber. Sure, a good one can dupe you, but as I’ve written elswhere, this is no great shakes, as most of us can dupe each other if that’s our goal.
That’s because we enter relationships risking trust and faith in each other, which makes the exploitation of our trust and faith really easy. It takes no genius or particularly smart, crafty person to exploit this trust and faith. It’s as easy to do as it’s wrong.
And so, most sociopaths aren’t really that clever, or ingeniously bright. Most make messes not only of others’ lives, but their own too. Many end up in jail, and those who don’t are often finding trouble in other areas, exercising poor judgement all over the map, squandering friendships, family, and all sorts of meaningful opportunities.
By most standards of a successful life, sociopaths live lives of abject failure, accomplishing little more, at the end of the day, than having produced plenty of havoc and pain. None of this indicates that, as a group, sociopaths are smart.
Sometimes the media sensationalizes the sociopath as the dark, brilliantly predatory monster, especially in classic cases of psychopaths like Ted Bundy. But Ted Bundy wasn’t so smart. In the end, he was nothing but a vicious, sadistic murderer who managed to lure young, naïve girls sufficiently into his proximity to then viciously murder them.
How much of an accomplishment was this? To be able to lure naïve girls near enough to his car to then kidnap and kill them? Otherwise, OJ Simpson style, Bundy was ambushing dormitories at night and butchering innocent, sleeping college kids. Not exactly a genius, or courageous guy, at work here. Just a perverse, murderously violent, cowardly man.
Sure, Bundy was reputedly charming and articulate (video of him bears this out). But this didn’t make him “smart.” He was, clearly, adept at “masking” himself. But again, effective maskers aren’t smart; they’re just good maskers. And nonsociopaths routinely are good maskers.
Good masking, good self-disguising is a type of social skill, and not the purview of sociopaths exclusively. Also, many sociopaths are terrible maskers, just as many nonsociopaths are.
My point is that the “mask” is not an indication of “smartness.” It’s merely the case that some sociopaths, and some nonsociopaths, can mask aspects of themselves and their agendas effectively; but bear in mind, just as many do this very poorly.
In the end, sociopaths, as a group, have a poor track record of living effective lives. Rather, they live disruptive, unsatisfying lives”¦fraught with pathological attitudes and empathic deficits that bring misery to others and, correspondingly, much trouble and, at best, empty satisfaction, to themselves.
Sociopaths simply are not successful people. They may (or may not) skate along under the radar for some stretch of time, but this is not a “game” that smart people play, and that smart people get off on.
Only dumb people play this game. Only really dumb people live this way. Only really really dumb people derive satisfaction, for however long they can swing it, from pulling the wool over others’ eyes.
It’s just no great shakes to do this, and it doesn’t make you smart.
Jeeze, that’s unbelievable! How on Earth does someone get like that?? I don’t know how some of you managed to be okay after so long with one of them. I had half-a-year and was completely drained of all love, emotion, and happiness. I can’t even imagine some of these longer 20+ year stories 🙁 I’m so glad you’re all doing better now though! What a great site
New winter,
my spath had a different agenda than yours. MONEY.
At first, I think he was just with me because I had a good job and he wanted me to support him. Torturing me was a side bonus. So he was really nice to me. Then, I had a car accident and was badly injured. He got me a great lawyer who knew how to get big bucks. So he waited for that to come in and was happy just to love bomb/trauma bond me. Then he borrowed $5000 and didn’t pay it back, so I left him. He realized that he would have to work very slowly to erode my boundaries. He wanted the other $95000, so he paid me the $5000. It took 25 years, but he finally took it all AND left me tens of thousands in debt.
Sky. Sorry you had such a hard life lesson and he took what should have been YOURS.
My spath’s ex lost £100k, house, car, in debt and all within 10 years. I think I lost around £20k. I think it’s been said on here before they have an STD (sexually transmitted debt)
Candy,
I’m sorry for your loss too.
How long were you with your spath?
It isn’t the money that most hurts, its the time that I devoted to making his dreams come true, when in fact the only dream he had was to see me suffer. Pass the bucket.
Thanks, New Winter! I just did an exhaustive internet search, and I have determined whatever I have is definitely not scabies. But if your ex has it, all I can say is….LOL! Did you say he has a new boyfriend?! From what I’ve read here, sociopaths are notoriously omnisexual. They are very preoccupied with sex because it fills the inner void and boredom.
Before I even met my spath, he told me over the phone how bored he was all the time. I remember thinking…can’t you just take a walk or something? I can think of a million things to do when I’m not working.
Like you, I was not aware of “love bombing”. It started over the phone before we even met. We met on a reptile site because we both love snakes. He lived a little over an hour away and was planning to pay a friendly visit to me and my snakes. I have met and befriended several people from the site, so it didn’t seem like a big deal. But before we met, he asked me if I’d seen his picture in his profile (it was distant and blurry, so you couldn’t really see what he looked like). I kept asking him what difference it made what he looks like? It’s just a friendly visit. He was 10 years younger, and it would have never occurred to me he was coming up to date me! When he arrived, he gave me a big hug, which was really inappropriate to the level of our acquaintanceship (we’d spoken on the phone once or twice.) Then the “love bombing” started………”Wow, you have really good taste; your place is gorgeous”, “What do you mean you are old? You are beautiful…”, “That was the best salad I’ve ever had in my life!” “I wish I could buy you the new snake cages you want.” Then he tried to get physically close to me and touch me. It was REALLY creepy. I remember joking about it with my online friends. I actually had to ask him to back off so we could just be friends, which he did. He would go online and say “Stargazer is the sweetest, most beautiful, most wonderful person….blah blah blah.” It was so over the top that people there started teasing us. This is even before we started dating.
Sky – Thank you. I was with spath just over a year. I figured him out long before I kicked him out but I was hanging onto the dream that he would ‘change’.
skylar, I’m so sorry!!! That is absolutely horrible 🙁 hugs and more hugs to you. I’m so glad you made it out finally, and now are here helping others. I hope life is looking a bit brighter for you now !
Stargazer, that is SO creepy!! Saying all of those nice things to a complete stranger just because of a common interest. And yep, at first you’re like WTF, but then you somehow get sucked into it and he’s got you. By the way, I’m sure you ARE all of those things he said 🙂 But take that one from a fellow lady, not an online psycho!
My s did the same exact thing– always talking about how bored he was. He was obsessed with the sex (at least, in the beginning), but would always make it seem like it was my fault. He would call me a whore when I tried to be affectionate, and he’d make it seem like I initiated everything. One time, I pointed it out and he said, “Nooo babe, I’m just kidding. I probably initiate it 90% of the time!” I, of course, fell right back in love with him, until the bitter end.
But those little moments where I finally lost it and spoke up for myself– I’m proud of those 🙂 They’re eventually what made him give up on me and find a new target, and in some ways that makes me feel pretty damn smart.
One more thing he did, and I’m not sure if this is common, he always talked about how “perfect” we were together and how we never fought and how it was just so perfect. “We never fight” was a huge thing he always repeated. It was almost like he thought if he said it enough, then I wouldn’t be allowed to argue or speak up for myself when he did something unacceptable. The more he pounded that into my head, the more I wanted to believe it. And then every time I lost it and blurted out to defend myself, he’d come up with a perfect excuse and make me feel crazy. Up until the end, when finally he got sick of me calling him out and threw me away.
Is it normal to do that whole “we’re perfect together” thing? I’m of the belief that if you actually feel that, then you don’t need to constantly SAY it.
Show, don’t tell. That’s my new motto with relationships! Show me you love me, don’t talk about how much you do. Don’t talk about how perfect we are, show me how perfect we are.
Dear New Winter,
I suggest you go back through the archives here and read, go to the articles listed under subject or author and read and read, just the articles at first and you will learn about the red flags and so on. It (the healing) starts out about them, but ends up about US!
Yea, Scabies is a biatch! I have had it several times, first time was when the kids got it at school, yearrrrs ago, then caught it from patients at the hospital…the first time you get it the rash doesn’t start until you’ve had it for about 6 weeks (during which time you are spreading it) and the rash is caused by an allergic reaction to the MITE POOP. The second (or subsequent times) you get it you usually break out in a day or two after you get infected.
EVERYONE in your house must be treated at the same time, and then REPEAT the treatment about 10 days later because the mite eggs will hatch out and infect you again if you don’t.
SEE YOUR PHYSICIAN if you suspect you have it. Very young babies/children or preg women must use a different treatment than other people can use…..
I think it is a hoot that it is scabies, because he will INFECT HIS NEW PARTNERS, his friends and anyone he touches or sleeps with….he is like “typhoid mary” but I would also advise you, New Winter to get tested COMPLETELY for STDs as well. Him having scabies means that there is no telling where he got it and I am assuming since he didn’t have little kids he got it sleeping with no telling who and it would probably be very WISE for you to get completely checked out for anything that can be transmitted sexually or by close bodily contact.
New winter – “We never fight” “perfect together” yep had that too. I used to say ‘what’s the point?’ (in arguing) and really what I think I was saying to myself was ‘I don’t want to fight cos then you might leave’. Guess what? In the end when I found out he’d been looking at child porn, chatting up other women on line, lied, stole etc etc I retaliated like I had the devil Himself inside me and yep he went. Thank God.
Winter,
One more thing he did, and I’m not sure if this is common, he always talked about how “perfect” we were together and how we never fought and how it was just so perfect. “We never fight” was a huge thing he always repeated. It was almost like he thought if he said it enough, then I wouldn’t be allowed to argue or speak up for myself when he did something unacceptable. The more he pounded that into my head, the more I wanted to believe it. And then every time I lost it and blurted out to defend myself, he’d come up with a perfect excuse and make me feel crazy. Up until the end, when finally he got sick of me calling him out and threw me away.
That is EXACTLY what mine use to do to me early on. “My wife and I always fight, but you and I get along so well, we never fight it’s nice” OVER AND OVER AND OVER….you writing it out here helped me see what that was all about. A SET UP for later.
I learn a lot about what happened with my ex and the tactics. Seems so textbook now…
LL