Contrary to a prevailing myth, sociopaths are really no smarter than the average individual”¦probably dumber. Sure, a good one can dupe you, but as I’ve written elswhere, this is no great shakes, as most of us can dupe each other if that’s our goal.
That’s because we enter relationships risking trust and faith in each other, which makes the exploitation of our trust and faith really easy. It takes no genius or particularly smart, crafty person to exploit this trust and faith. It’s as easy to do as it’s wrong.
And so, most sociopaths aren’t really that clever, or ingeniously bright. Most make messes not only of others’ lives, but their own too. Many end up in jail, and those who don’t are often finding trouble in other areas, exercising poor judgement all over the map, squandering friendships, family, and all sorts of meaningful opportunities.
By most standards of a successful life, sociopaths live lives of abject failure, accomplishing little more, at the end of the day, than having produced plenty of havoc and pain. None of this indicates that, as a group, sociopaths are smart.
Sometimes the media sensationalizes the sociopath as the dark, brilliantly predatory monster, especially in classic cases of psychopaths like Ted Bundy. But Ted Bundy wasn’t so smart. In the end, he was nothing but a vicious, sadistic murderer who managed to lure young, naïve girls sufficiently into his proximity to then viciously murder them.
How much of an accomplishment was this? To be able to lure naïve girls near enough to his car to then kidnap and kill them? Otherwise, OJ Simpson style, Bundy was ambushing dormitories at night and butchering innocent, sleeping college kids. Not exactly a genius, or courageous guy, at work here. Just a perverse, murderously violent, cowardly man.
Sure, Bundy was reputedly charming and articulate (video of him bears this out). But this didn’t make him “smart.” He was, clearly, adept at “masking” himself. But again, effective maskers aren’t smart; they’re just good maskers. And nonsociopaths routinely are good maskers.
Good masking, good self-disguising is a type of social skill, and not the purview of sociopaths exclusively. Also, many sociopaths are terrible maskers, just as many nonsociopaths are.
My point is that the “mask” is not an indication of “smartness.” It’s merely the case that some sociopaths, and some nonsociopaths, can mask aspects of themselves and their agendas effectively; but bear in mind, just as many do this very poorly.
In the end, sociopaths, as a group, have a poor track record of living effective lives. Rather, they live disruptive, unsatisfying lives”¦fraught with pathological attitudes and empathic deficits that bring misery to others and, correspondingly, much trouble and, at best, empty satisfaction, to themselves.
Sociopaths simply are not successful people. They may (or may not) skate along under the radar for some stretch of time, but this is not a “game” that smart people play, and that smart people get off on.
Only dumb people play this game. Only really dumb people live this way. Only really really dumb people derive satisfaction, for however long they can swing it, from pulling the wool over others’ eyes.
It’s just no great shakes to do this, and it doesn’t make you smart.
Ox Drover, skylar, and lesson learned– I’m really glad this made sense! I wasn’t 100% sure as I was getting that across right. I’ve been seeing a GREAT therapist who explained a lot of this to me, and I really wanted to share.
When I first met her, I was depressed, suicidal, and blaming myself for everything in my life, failing out of school after being a 4.0 student, quitting my job, claiming I needed to change my whole life in order to find meaning in the whole breakup.
She was the one who told me to stop. She said she recognized what was happening and that I needed to take a step back and realize what had happened to me. I had imploded on my own empathy and inability to blame someone else when it’s deserved. She, like you all, helped me so much in seeing that. You’re blinded when he’s got you wrapped around his fingers.
She told me that they specifically target women with high empathy, because they’re much easier to manipulate. Those women will play all of the mind games in their own head for the sociopath. It makes his job easier. Instead of saying things, he can just suggest them. The empathizer will do the rest of the work.
He can take away all of your love for a week and then send one “I love you :)”. You believe him, because you love him. You forget about the week of silent punishment because you would never do that to him, and it must have been a fluke.
So please be CAREFUL! Empathy is such an amazing thing if you fall in love with a good man. It means you can feel his happiness, and that is truly a gift in life 🙂 Unfortunately, every gift has its drawbacks, and for a sociopath that gift is like a drug.
As for recovery… There’s only so much energy in the world, and when the sociopath steals all of yours for his own thrill, you feel empty and raw. Victimized women high in empathy NEED to surround themselves with positive, happy, and energetic people.
It will take a long time, but slowly you will begin to find happiness in their happiness until you can begin making your own energy again and give back to them 🙂 In some ways, it’s sort of a blessing in disguise. My experience landed me with a lot of fantastic friends (and now friends here too!) who I never would have found otherwise. I hope this helps to anyone suffering!
Winter,
Your insights are nothing less than amazing.
How long have you been out of it Winter? How old are you, if you don’t mind my asking? You sound young, energetic and vibrant in personality as well as really, REALLY smart!!
I dropped school this last term so I could spend some time in the healing process. I’m going back Spring Term and I can’t WAIT. I needed that time, but anymore would be TOO Much time. I feel I’mm ready to proceed to the next level.
Your post encourages me in that I’m making the right choice and it’s true, positive people=positive energy.
We are all WORTH that!
Blessings, Winter!
LL
((New Winter))
that’s very uplifting and hopeful. Thanks for sharing that. It adds another piece to the puzzle. Now I have to go figure out where it fits with the other pieces, so I can get a complete picture.
lesson learned,
I got out half a year ago. I don’t think any of you would have wanted to know me back then. I look back and cry sometimes thinking that my mind was that damaged. It’s not even self-pity, I just need to weep sometimes at how wrecked my soul had become, when so much good still existed in the world. There are still moments where I wonder and question my therapist, but then I snap back into reality and know what he really was.
That’s why I came here– I wanted to ask some other experienced experts, to make sure my therapist wasn’t just trying to make me feel better! Needless to say, you have all confirmed for me 🙂
I’m only 21, and it was a really sad way to start my quest for love. I had saved my virginity for so long, watching my friends sleeping with lots of men, but I wanted to wait for someone special. I had scumbags come up to me all the time, but I wanted a man with a good heart and kind intentions. I waited and waited and waited, so patient, until finally I met him. He was those things, because that’s what I told him I wanted. And then I lost everything to him. He turned, right after that. That’s why I was so devastated. I felt that I had waited my whole life to truly devote myself to someone and care for them and be only theirs physically. He massacred that dream.
I’m so glad to hear you took a semester off too. I did as well, and it turned out to be much needed. Wiped away those bad grades and now I’m back on top 🙂 You do absolutely need the time off to heal, but it’s also important to get back into the game and realize how awesome you are! Being in school is a good way to prove yourself and work hard, something foreign to those sociopath idiots. You’re totally ready for the next level!
This may sound stupid, but this is how I got better, because I refused anti-depressants:
1. Every day, I would make a special effort to smile, even if I didn’t feel it. Eventually it became real
2. Every morning in the shower, I would sing to a happy playlist and tell myself that I loved myself and that life was great. I listed off the things I was grateful for as well. OUT LOUD. This matters. It sounds crazy, but it matters. Say it every morning. Pep talk yourself.
3. Every day, do something kind for someone else, even a stranger. Call a friend and tell them you’re thinking of them. Hold a door for a stranger. Wave at the kid in the stroller. Smile a lot. This positive energy will start to boomerang back to you so fast, you won’t even know what hit you!
4. When you start to think of the sociopath, be mindful of this. Kill this habit of your mind. The brain is a muscle and when it grows accustomed to thinking about something, it becomes a habit, even an obsession. The only way to change this is to come up with a method of tricking your mind. Think of something that makes you smile. Then remember to to think of that, EVERY time you think of the sociopath. I always think of my mom 🙂 Slowly your mind stops wanting to go there. It likes being happy.
You are so totally making the right choice, and finding positive people with positive energy will save you! I’m sure you have been that way your whole life, and now these people are here to help. They will be so lucky and rewarded once you’re back to your full potential, so you never have to worry that you are a drag.
I’d love to share one quote with you all:
”Ž”I have found that the greatest degree of inner tranquility comes from the development of love and compassion. The more we care for the happiness of others, the greater is our own sense of well-being. Cultivating a close, warm-hearted feeling for others automatically puts the mind at ease. It is the ultimate source of success in life.”
– The Dalai Lama
It is so so so so true 🙂 Just keep at it! The reason we feel such a high with the sociopath is because they steal all of our compassion and warmth. Normal human beings are NOT like this. The more we learn to heal and trust in the good of regular human beings, the faster we realize how easy it is to be happy and loving again. Because that quote rings true for 99% of human beings, we were just unfortunate enough to stumble upon that 1%. Don’t let it change your faith, because your empathy and compassion is what WILL make you happy. We are given all the tools for happiness in our hearts, we just need to retrain our minds to get at them
Skylar,
Good luck with your puzzle! I really hope it all comes together soon *hugs*
New Winter, your story is so inspiring. It’s very fortunate that you realized he was a horrible man in time. Being so young, you have your whole life ahead of you. Next time, you’ll pick a nice, loving guy, like you originally wanted. Now you know what to watch out for and whom to avoid. When I left my psychopathic lover and got back together with my wonderful husband I thought like this: having experienced such a fraudulent relationship with the psychopath, I will never take my marriage or my loving husband for granted again. And three years later, this remains true. Just think of this experience positively: you’ll appreciate true love so much more when you find it with a caring man, given what you’ve been through with that psychopath.
kindheart, why do you have to have contact with your brother and the bully?
If you have paperwork for them, can you mail it or have atty mail it (or accountant in this case) ??
Do you have to answer the phone if they try to call you? Their calls should be to the attorney. Is there any way you can do this?
New Winter – Reading your post above made me think of something a blogger wrote here one time, I dont remember the blogger but – ”So, I began to starve my junkie mind of all the juicy pain it revels in, and in the process I learned how to pry open some peace and quiet, some relief…………….”
What a great post, new winter. You have a lot of wisdom for such a young age, though I’m sorry about how you gained it. It really is sort of a loss of innocence to see there are such evil people in the world, isn’t it? But now you can protect yourself from them. You know what a sociopath acts like.
I love your idea about doing something kind for someone every day. I found an ad for an hour-and-a-half massage for $33 and just went and got it. The poor guy is working himself to the bone for chicken feed. The massage was good but not great because he is just learning, but he is a wonderful person. So as a tip, when it was done, I got up and gave him some massage that he needed (I am also a massage therapist). It really lifted my spirits; I’d been feeling so isolated. I think your advice is timely for anyone at any time, even when there is no sociopath involved.
Going back to the original article here, I don’t think it’s smarts sociopaths have more of; I think it’s gall. They just don’t have the fear of getting caught or of hurting someone’s feelings. Without a moral conscience or empathy, you can have the audacity to do a lot of things. I think as humans, we all have that capacity within us to cook up diabolical schemes to exploit others. But normal people are busy doing more productive and socially viable activites with our time and energy. Normal people also have certain social inhibitions and anxieties that come with having access to the full range of human experience. Sociopaths don’t have it. So anything goes with them.
Shabby, at this point i don’t have an attorney, none have been successful as they keep saying there is no money in my dad’s estate, stepmother sold everything to pay debts etc. so they are sitting back waiting for the proceeds from the farm sale. Im tired of paying lawyers and they all just see $$ . In hindsight i should have just mailed it but there is a package of info, all accountant crap explaining why they have to use the forms on their in come tax. The original lawyer whom my dad hired conveniently retired and being a bully my lawyers didn’t get anywhere trying to retreive funds owed to my Grandmothers estate(actually this bullies lawyers son is in jail for murdering a young woman, no big surprise). My ex husband really emphasized and i’m going to try and take his advice and get this settled and money down to them as soon as i can , i can’t control what the bully does with my dad’s third. I had no idea this could be such a nightmare and money is at the root . My ex and all my friends are adamant that i take the executors fee and i know i deserve something but they are going to make it hell if i do. And yes Shabby my ex mentioned getting call display when i eventually disperse the money. I will be so glad when this is all finished it seems to be taking a lifetime. So sad that it has come to this , my fear was that i would be disinherited more because of embarassment and now i think it would have been a blessing. I’m not doing a very good job at distracting myself , must be the winter blahs as i’ve been isolating which is not my usual . Do you ladies find it hard to pamper yourselves, i suck at this pampering myself but i know it’s what i need. love kh.