Contrary to a prevailing myth, sociopaths are really no smarter than the average individual”¦probably dumber. Sure, a good one can dupe you, but as I’ve written elswhere, this is no great shakes, as most of us can dupe each other if that’s our goal.
That’s because we enter relationships risking trust and faith in each other, which makes the exploitation of our trust and faith really easy. It takes no genius or particularly smart, crafty person to exploit this trust and faith. It’s as easy to do as it’s wrong.
And so, most sociopaths aren’t really that clever, or ingeniously bright. Most make messes not only of others’ lives, but their own too. Many end up in jail, and those who don’t are often finding trouble in other areas, exercising poor judgement all over the map, squandering friendships, family, and all sorts of meaningful opportunities.
By most standards of a successful life, sociopaths live lives of abject failure, accomplishing little more, at the end of the day, than having produced plenty of havoc and pain. None of this indicates that, as a group, sociopaths are smart.
Sometimes the media sensationalizes the sociopath as the dark, brilliantly predatory monster, especially in classic cases of psychopaths like Ted Bundy. But Ted Bundy wasn’t so smart. In the end, he was nothing but a vicious, sadistic murderer who managed to lure young, naïve girls sufficiently into his proximity to then viciously murder them.
How much of an accomplishment was this? To be able to lure naïve girls near enough to his car to then kidnap and kill them? Otherwise, OJ Simpson style, Bundy was ambushing dormitories at night and butchering innocent, sleeping college kids. Not exactly a genius, or courageous guy, at work here. Just a perverse, murderously violent, cowardly man.
Sure, Bundy was reputedly charming and articulate (video of him bears this out). But this didn’t make him “smart.” He was, clearly, adept at “masking” himself. But again, effective maskers aren’t smart; they’re just good maskers. And nonsociopaths routinely are good maskers.
Good masking, good self-disguising is a type of social skill, and not the purview of sociopaths exclusively. Also, many sociopaths are terrible maskers, just as many nonsociopaths are.
My point is that the “mask” is not an indication of “smartness.” It’s merely the case that some sociopaths, and some nonsociopaths, can mask aspects of themselves and their agendas effectively; but bear in mind, just as many do this very poorly.
In the end, sociopaths, as a group, have a poor track record of living effective lives. Rather, they live disruptive, unsatisfying lives”¦fraught with pathological attitudes and empathic deficits that bring misery to others and, correspondingly, much trouble and, at best, empty satisfaction, to themselves.
Sociopaths simply are not successful people. They may (or may not) skate along under the radar for some stretch of time, but this is not a “game” that smart people play, and that smart people get off on.
Only dumb people play this game. Only really dumb people live this way. Only really really dumb people derive satisfaction, for however long they can swing it, from pulling the wool over others’ eyes.
It’s just no great shakes to do this, and it doesn’t make you smart.
gnite erin 72
goodnite hens
Well I do know one thing, Jesus didn’t like hypocrites even one little bit, and He didn’t have anything against a whore caught in the act except to tell her “don’t do it any more.” So you know I think the “Rev” and his bunch of Hypocrites are not gonna be real happy when they meet Jesus face to face.
I saw the biker guys and the barrier that they formed to protect the family, it was AWESOME. Whether you approve of the “war” or not, the people who fight it and/or die and their families deserve respect at the funerals. Frankly the funeral is for the LIVING not the dead, and the families of these men and women deserve some sense of closure and peace, not to be ridiculed and their departed loved one ridiculed.
But, while I disagree with these hypocrites and their protests, the soldiers died so that they could have “freedom of speech” now ain’t that a kick in the butt…and I think the bikers also have freedom of speech as well, so let them carry their signs, and let the bikers protect the families. I wish the news media would quit giving them air time or inches on the page it might stop them eventually if they weren’t getting ATTENTION and I think that is what they are really after.
Yeah, What did the preacher say….something like the whole thing gave a mega-phone to our little church. Blahck! Can’t stand the hate and ignorance and hypocracy! Power power power.
These idiots think that evil is alway somewhere else, and are always pointing fingers.
Really enlightened people realize that the propensity for evil is in everyone of us. We examine ourselve and our motives, and try to love one-another, as Jesus did.
Not saying anyone has to love a Spath, so No skillets please.
Good morning, everyone!
As usual, mornings are bit more rough for me because I wake up to nightmares and anxiety about my ex (especially the night when he told me he would “consider answering the phone” and then just listened to me cry and beg and plead, blaming me, without saying a word. All the while — cheating on me).
Writing usually helps, so I thought I’d share some of my self-doubts / questions.
1. I wonder what if he strung me along for so long (even while cheating on me) because he really did like me the most, but when I came back to the country I was such a mess that he chose the other one.
2. I wonder what if he was so rude and hostile to me after he text-message dumped me, because he actually still has feelings for me and is just too proud to say so.
3. I wonder if he made contact with me 2 months after the breakup not just because he needed DVDs back, but because he still cared for me and hoped I felt the same way. Then was angry when I ignored him. What if I had responded kindly?
I KNOW I’m being so stupid! Someone please smack me. I know I’m just trying to give him feelings that I would feel, because I’m a normal person.
I was so kind to him, even after he was nasty to me (cheating on me, dumping me, calling me bitter, calling me annoying–WTF?? The dumper doesn’t get to say that!). He made me feel like it was my fault and told me I hurt his feelings (??? WHAT??) and that I showed no care, so that’s when I sent him those brand new DVDs with a nice Christmas note. And he ignores me. Only contacts when I am of use to him. I think everything he did during the relationship was so much more cold and calculated than I ever imagined. What I used to see as carelessness (the publicly talking with ex, ignoring my messages, posting inappropriate pictures), it was all VERY careful. I think he did it all on purpose, to drive me crazy. He hated when I went out and had fun with friends there. He would get mad at me and I would swear to never drink or party again while abroad. So I would stay in, for him. But even then he wouldn’t want to talk to me. Instead of voicing any jealousy or anger, he would simply fill my eyes with images of his ex and new boys. Then he would call me jealous. And I was– I was so jealous. Is that why he got sick of me? My jealousy? He would tell me I over-analyzed everything and he couldn’t tell me anything because I got so jealous. I guess I wonder if I wasn’t jealous, would he still have left me?
Also, maybe instead of being a sociopath, he was just really insecure, and if I hadn’t been out having fun he wouldn’t have had to try to make me jealous? Maybe he was too scared to tell me he was jealous too? I don’t know why he would even be jealous– I told him I loved him every day, I would usually leave parties early and cry alone because I missed him so much, I sent him beautiful gifts I found abroad, and made sure he knew how special he was to me. He never did any of that, and I was the one in a foreign environment.
I think though that he intentionally tried to make me jealous, to control me. I don’t know. Help! I hate the morning blues 🙁
new winter, SMACK. Or as we call it here, BOINK.
No. No. No.
I know the truth sucks, but here it is…He used you. He didn’t even have the decency to try to conceal it from you. He didn’t even care how you felt. You were just supply. He let you cut short your travels abroad, fly for 22 hours, and dumped you how many days later…by text message? No man with one ounce of human decency would do that.
Darling, you will start to feel better when you quite blaming yourself. You could be absolutely flawless, perfect and divine, and you wouldn’t have been able to change or control any of this.
Now say to your self a hundred times, I didn’t do it. It’s not my fault.
There are some good articles about this very thing in the archives. I suggest you read them.
Thanks kim, that helped a lot 🙂 I needed a little shove. I hate when I relapse like that. Just my stupid mind used to playing tricks on itself– I’ll thank the sociopath for that.
New winter,
What you are going through is completely normal – nightmares, obsessing, even panic attacks – we’ve ALL been there. It’s a form of PTSD. But trust me, after reading your story and seeing the familiarity to mine and all the others, there is NOTHING you did or could have done to make him behave differently. You bent way too far over backwards to accommodate his controlling nature. Why shouldn’t you go out and have fun when you’re in another country (or even in this country for that matter)? What kind of person would tell you not to do that? That’s part of the living overseas experience. Look at all the hurtful and sadistic things he did to you! Think about what would happen if you let him back into your life.
I know it’s hard not to take it personally that he discarded you. But it’s really not personal. It’s just what he does. You seem like someone who is extremely caring, adventurous, and has many great qualities. I’m sure he was attracted to those qualities, just as many men would be. But then he tried to destroy them. This is what sociopaths do!!! They build you up, hook you in, and tear you down. They play with people just like a kid plays with an insect, pulling it’s legs off to see what it will do. Don’t let him do this to you again. Stay strong!
This was an interesting post, especially because so many sociopaths believe they are “above” most people in terms of intelligence – whereas, in reality are only average.
“Charlton” (who is now calling himself “Alex”) actually believes he smarter than his colleagues and “deserves” recognition and achievement. He even “mirrors” people’s interests – taking them on as his own identity. He’s also pretending to have a British background because he perceives that to provide him with more clout – and is better than his own boring experience of going to school in America. It’s really sad if you look at them closely – they have no identity of their own, they live in a world based upon what they think others will value, and are delusional about their own existence. It’s an empty world.
I was lucky that I uncovered a few of the lies told – and left immediately. Later, I discovered that literally every thing about him was a lie. He misrepresented himself on every level. Pathetic really. It was nothing that anyone could have anticipated because the lies were so deeply covered and supported by false “evidence.” I only feel sorry for him, as that’s a pathetic way to live. It turns out he’s not smart after all. And I am as happy as can be – especially moving on from a non-existent “relationship” with a non-existent person. Makes it easy to move on from that (and appreciative of real people with souls and a conscience).
Stargazer, I know you are right! Not to let him back in my life, but to find some way to forgive him so the darkness leaves my heart. I know he is a very bad person. 2 days after taking my virginity and I leave the country, he texts me to tell me he’s drunk at a bar and getting drinks for free from the hot bartender. I hurt, but I laugh and tell him to have fun.
Two weeks later, I get a little tipsy at a bar and text him to tell him I love him, and he gets mad at me. I can’t believe I put up with him.