Contrary to a prevailing myth, sociopaths are really no smarter than the average individual”¦probably dumber. Sure, a good one can dupe you, but as I’ve written elswhere, this is no great shakes, as most of us can dupe each other if that’s our goal.
That’s because we enter relationships risking trust and faith in each other, which makes the exploitation of our trust and faith really easy. It takes no genius or particularly smart, crafty person to exploit this trust and faith. It’s as easy to do as it’s wrong.
And so, most sociopaths aren’t really that clever, or ingeniously bright. Most make messes not only of others’ lives, but their own too. Many end up in jail, and those who don’t are often finding trouble in other areas, exercising poor judgement all over the map, squandering friendships, family, and all sorts of meaningful opportunities.
By most standards of a successful life, sociopaths live lives of abject failure, accomplishing little more, at the end of the day, than having produced plenty of havoc and pain. None of this indicates that, as a group, sociopaths are smart.
Sometimes the media sensationalizes the sociopath as the dark, brilliantly predatory monster, especially in classic cases of psychopaths like Ted Bundy. But Ted Bundy wasn’t so smart. In the end, he was nothing but a vicious, sadistic murderer who managed to lure young, naïve girls sufficiently into his proximity to then viciously murder them.
How much of an accomplishment was this? To be able to lure naïve girls near enough to his car to then kidnap and kill them? Otherwise, OJ Simpson style, Bundy was ambushing dormitories at night and butchering innocent, sleeping college kids. Not exactly a genius, or courageous guy, at work here. Just a perverse, murderously violent, cowardly man.
Sure, Bundy was reputedly charming and articulate (video of him bears this out). But this didn’t make him “smart.” He was, clearly, adept at “masking” himself. But again, effective maskers aren’t smart; they’re just good maskers. And nonsociopaths routinely are good maskers.
Good masking, good self-disguising is a type of social skill, and not the purview of sociopaths exclusively. Also, many sociopaths are terrible maskers, just as many nonsociopaths are.
My point is that the “mask” is not an indication of “smartness.” It’s merely the case that some sociopaths, and some nonsociopaths, can mask aspects of themselves and their agendas effectively; but bear in mind, just as many do this very poorly.
In the end, sociopaths, as a group, have a poor track record of living effective lives. Rather, they live disruptive, unsatisfying lives”¦fraught with pathological attitudes and empathic deficits that bring misery to others and, correspondingly, much trouble and, at best, empty satisfaction, to themselves.
Sociopaths simply are not successful people. They may (or may not) skate along under the radar for some stretch of time, but this is not a “game” that smart people play, and that smart people get off on.
Only dumb people play this game. Only really dumb people live this way. Only really really dumb people derive satisfaction, for however long they can swing it, from pulling the wool over others’ eyes.
It’s just no great shakes to do this, and it doesn’t make you smart.
New winter,
This is a tricky part in the recovery (and I’m going through it now with a lesser type of loser guy – not quite a sociopath). With a sociopath, you have to be careful about calling it “forgiveness”. Often when we forgive, we see the situation from the other person’s side and can respond to them with love in our hearts. If you feel this way about your ex, it can be dangerous, because you will feel pity. It is dangerous to feel pity for a sociopath, because that’s not far from love and compassion and then inviting him back into your life.
I believe that a more appropriate closure is “acceptance”. Accepting what he is and accepting that you will never understand his motives. In time, you will tire yourself out trying to figure it out. You will go down every avenue in your mind and have many reunion fantasies. And then you will realize you are spinning your wheels because even the fantasies end badly. Eventually, it gets old and you just move on, all the wiser. I feel that this is the best closure you can have with a sociopath. I dated mine for 3 months. It took a full year to completely move on. The forgiveness comes in because you also have to forgive yourself.
Remember that you are grieving a loss. It will take time to work through the emotions, and eventually that will lead you to a greater understanding of yourself. It is a lifelong path, and you are already in a very good mental space starting out. He may not have the ability to love you, but that doesn’t take away your ability to love. You have always had it and always will.
New Winter
Eventually, when you realize that the person he presented as himself does not actually exist, then the pain will be easier. You’re grieving something that wasn’t real. Your feelings are real – and someone amazing deserves it – just not this guy.
New Winter,
**smack, smack, boink, boink**
🙂
They are known as “people of the lie” for a reason: THEY LIE ABOUT EVERYTHING. Even when there is no reason to lie, they lie and lie. To understand this disorder, you have to stop imagining that they think anything at all like you do. The way they think is almost like they believe that they don’t exist unless they are creating themselves and the world around them at all times by lying, telling stories and setting up props. This is the shallow existance that they live in. They don’t feel they are real unless they can see someone else believing their lies too.
What educated professional says is true. He never existed. What you saw was a lie and a story. It was like watching a movie that tugged at your heart strings and made you feel things, but it wasn’t ever real.
I think that your need to forgive is more to forgive yourself for allowing yourself to be treated so badly. Your empathy overwhelmed you, you learned, you are smarter and stronger now. Forgive yourself.
Star,
I have a question for you, Chica, out of curiosity. Many here stayed with their spaths for many years. But those that were only with their spaths for a few weeks to several months (under a year), I’m curious about. Unless spath did the dumping himself, wait…did you dump him or he dumped you? At any rate, what was it that did it for you? Wasn’t yours married and lied to you, something like that? Trying to keep everyone’s backgrounds straight is difficult for me at times.
LL
Dear New Winter,
He got what he wanted and ALL he wanted, he got your virginity and then he threw you away because he has No concept of love for others or caring for others. You were just a “notch” on the bedpost. It makes him feel desirable and hot because he was able to hook you and trick you into giving him something that w3as preciious to you…you gave him a gift, you cast your PEARLS BEFORE A SWINE. That is all he is a swine.
BUT you gained something very important, you realized that not everyone is what they say they are, some people are simply evil and you will learn to recognize these people early and to protect yourself from the next one you meet. It was a high price, but in the end, it will have been worth the “tuition” to the University of Hard Knocks. Hang in there.
New Winter,
I understand. I struggle with the same thing. I know who mine is. It isn’t that I’m not unclear about it, what is difficult for me, is the level of absolute sadism, careful contemplation as to carry out his sadistic words/acts and sabotage my life. I could never think that way. Be that way. It’s been very difficult to accept that he is and that he can, that he can’t love. That he has a “moral disability”…..and will never change.
LL
LL,
No, No Don’t struggle with that. Don’t struggle with the idea that exPOS could do what he did and think how he does.
Instead, struggle with something else: THEY ARE EVERYWHERE. This personality disorder is EVERYWHERE. So MANY people think this way. Life is percieved as a game to them and they can only win if someone else is losing. It is a sad and disturbing way to think. They NEED to see other people suffering to prove to themselves that they are winners.
For me, once I stopped seeing my spath as a person and started to see him as part of this group of people with this personality disorder, then it became much easier to stop wondering what was real and what wasn’t. Nothing was because he just isn’t capable.
Have you listened to the Rene Girard links that OneJOy posted?
I just finished listening to the last one. OMG he is so awsome, I want to marry him! or at least give him flowers.
Sky
LOL, tell me more about him? I’ve seen his name “tossed around the room” so to speak, but….???
That scares me, Sky, that they’re “everywhere”. I’ve dealt with others, such as my professor last term, but other than that, at least outside of the fam and the ex, nope.
LL,
http://www.cbc.ca/ideas/episodes/2011/02/28/the-scapgoat-rene-girards-anthropology-of-violence-and-religion/
Here is the link.
The 5th one is the most interesting.
LL,
You asked about those of us who had experiences with a sociopath that lasted less than a year – and what drove us to leave?
Mine lasted 7 months, we visited our proposed wedding venue 3 times overseas for our destination wedding, and I thought I had met someone amazing….until I found out he lied. I left after I discovered he lied about some property and possessions that he said he owned and I discovered they were rented. I then found out he lied about his “niece and nephew” from his “dead (non-existent) brother” and they they were really his own kids; and one is an autistic boy, which is important to know since we planned on having kids. I was fortunate enough to find receipts and letters and had proof (even though he still denied) and I left immediately. Later, I discovered that literally everything he ever told me was a lie (except for maybe he believed that he loved me…but I know the person I loved didn’t exist so it was easier to move on). There was never a question for me – honesty is the most important attribute in a person. The fact that he covered up his lies so well is beyond imaginable, but I consider myself very lucky. And am very happy 🙂