Contrary to a prevailing myth, sociopaths are really no smarter than the average individual”¦probably dumber. Sure, a good one can dupe you, but as I’ve written elswhere, this is no great shakes, as most of us can dupe each other if that’s our goal.
That’s because we enter relationships risking trust and faith in each other, which makes the exploitation of our trust and faith really easy. It takes no genius or particularly smart, crafty person to exploit this trust and faith. It’s as easy to do as it’s wrong.
And so, most sociopaths aren’t really that clever, or ingeniously bright. Most make messes not only of others’ lives, but their own too. Many end up in jail, and those who don’t are often finding trouble in other areas, exercising poor judgement all over the map, squandering friendships, family, and all sorts of meaningful opportunities.
By most standards of a successful life, sociopaths live lives of abject failure, accomplishing little more, at the end of the day, than having produced plenty of havoc and pain. None of this indicates that, as a group, sociopaths are smart.
Sometimes the media sensationalizes the sociopath as the dark, brilliantly predatory monster, especially in classic cases of psychopaths like Ted Bundy. But Ted Bundy wasn’t so smart. In the end, he was nothing but a vicious, sadistic murderer who managed to lure young, naïve girls sufficiently into his proximity to then viciously murder them.
How much of an accomplishment was this? To be able to lure naïve girls near enough to his car to then kidnap and kill them? Otherwise, OJ Simpson style, Bundy was ambushing dormitories at night and butchering innocent, sleeping college kids. Not exactly a genius, or courageous guy, at work here. Just a perverse, murderously violent, cowardly man.
Sure, Bundy was reputedly charming and articulate (video of him bears this out). But this didn’t make him “smart.” He was, clearly, adept at “masking” himself. But again, effective maskers aren’t smart; they’re just good maskers. And nonsociopaths routinely are good maskers.
Good masking, good self-disguising is a type of social skill, and not the purview of sociopaths exclusively. Also, many sociopaths are terrible maskers, just as many nonsociopaths are.
My point is that the “mask” is not an indication of “smartness.” It’s merely the case that some sociopaths, and some nonsociopaths, can mask aspects of themselves and their agendas effectively; but bear in mind, just as many do this very poorly.
In the end, sociopaths, as a group, have a poor track record of living effective lives. Rather, they live disruptive, unsatisfying lives”¦fraught with pathological attitudes and empathic deficits that bring misery to others and, correspondingly, much trouble and, at best, empty satisfaction, to themselves.
Sociopaths simply are not successful people. They may (or may not) skate along under the radar for some stretch of time, but this is not a “game” that smart people play, and that smart people get off on.
Only dumb people play this game. Only really dumb people live this way. Only really really dumb people derive satisfaction, for however long they can swing it, from pulling the wool over others’ eyes.
It’s just no great shakes to do this, and it doesn’t make you smart.
EP,
WOW! I don’t know what your belief is in God or not, but as I read this, I couldn’t help but feel that this is one instance where God interceded! How long have you been out now? How are you doing today?
LL
Sky,
This is a WONDERFUL link! So cool, cuz I can do things around the house and listen!!
This is wonderful!
LL
Left 3 months ago 🙂 Couldn’t be happier. It was a struggle at first, as I could not have imagined that anyone could lie like that. But this website helped. And Donna’s book helped. And just generally coming to understand it’s his problem. There was nothing I could have done differently (other than perhaps question the Lovebombing a little more, of which I am now familiar). The lies were so deeply covered – he faked business trips, sent me photos and details on meetings, called/skyped, etc ; I later uncovered the original people’s Flickr photos. He’s crazy. For someone to put that much energy and money into proving his love and pretending to be someone else… it’s his problem.
Dear Professional,
I am so glad that you listened to what I call “rule #1”—is he honest? If the answer is NO, then NOTHING ELSE MATTERS. If someone is dishonest or a liar in any way, shape or form, there is no way they are trustworthy, and no way I want them in my life.
One of our former posters (he still comes around once in a while) Matt, an attorney has his for “tiion” rules—a person must have all or he is not interested.
Educa-tion
Habita-tion
Transporta-tion
and
Posi-tion
He got involved with a guy who was an ex con with NONE of the above and got conned into giving the con money etc.
My list starts out with #1: are they HONEST? and number 2 is KIND?—then the rest is not all that important. If they flunk either 1 or 2 they could have all the education, houses, cars, and jobs in the world and it wouldn’t make a bit of difference they would still be a POS and I would not be interested.
A friend of mine had sent me this article right after I uncovered everything….she was very close to our “relationship” and met him too:
http://articles.lovingyou.com/love/singles-dating/10-signs-you-are-dating-a-sociopath/
Donna’s work is so important.
Dear Ox
Agree; however, in this case, he pretended to have a lot of things/attributes/etc. It’s such a sad existence he must live in day in and day out.
A good friend of mine sent me this after I uncovered everything (and she was close to our “relationship” and knew him), which was a good resource at the time:
http://articles.lovingyou.com/love/singles-dating/10-signs-you-are-dating-a-sociopath/
Donna’s work is so important, as is the community and support here. I hope to be that for others.
Dear Ox
Or in this case, he pretended to have things/attributes, etc. It’s sad to think he lives his life hating himself that much that he pretends to be someone else. Someone amazing. And it couldn’t be further from his true self if he tried.
A friend of mine sent me this after I uncovered everything, which was a good resource at the time:
http://articles.lovingyou.com/love/singles-dating/10-signs-you-are-dating-a-sociopath/
Donna’s work is so important, as is this community of support. I hope to be able to provide that to others as well.
Ox Drover
Yes, or in this case, he pretended to have these attributes and possess these items. It’s sad to think he lives his life hating himself that much that he pretends to be someone else. Someone amazing. And it couldn’t be further from his true self.
A friend of mine sent me this after I uncovered everything, which was a good resource at the time:
http://articles.lovingyou.com/love/singles-dating/10-signs-you-are-dating-a-sociopath/
Donna’s work is so important, as is this community of support. I hope to be able to provide that to others now.
Ox,
I don’t know why, but your above post was one of the best I’ve seen. I like matt’s ‘tion”s too!
LL
Oops,
Except I don’t agree that just because they have all of that, which ex POS did, means they’re any safer.
LL