Contrary to a prevailing myth, sociopaths are really no smarter than the average individual”¦probably dumber. Sure, a good one can dupe you, but as I’ve written elswhere, this is no great shakes, as most of us can dupe each other if that’s our goal.
That’s because we enter relationships risking trust and faith in each other, which makes the exploitation of our trust and faith really easy. It takes no genius or particularly smart, crafty person to exploit this trust and faith. It’s as easy to do as it’s wrong.
And so, most sociopaths aren’t really that clever, or ingeniously bright. Most make messes not only of others’ lives, but their own too. Many end up in jail, and those who don’t are often finding trouble in other areas, exercising poor judgement all over the map, squandering friendships, family, and all sorts of meaningful opportunities.
By most standards of a successful life, sociopaths live lives of abject failure, accomplishing little more, at the end of the day, than having produced plenty of havoc and pain. None of this indicates that, as a group, sociopaths are smart.
Sometimes the media sensationalizes the sociopath as the dark, brilliantly predatory monster, especially in classic cases of psychopaths like Ted Bundy. But Ted Bundy wasn’t so smart. In the end, he was nothing but a vicious, sadistic murderer who managed to lure young, naïve girls sufficiently into his proximity to then viciously murder them.
How much of an accomplishment was this? To be able to lure naïve girls near enough to his car to then kidnap and kill them? Otherwise, OJ Simpson style, Bundy was ambushing dormitories at night and butchering innocent, sleeping college kids. Not exactly a genius, or courageous guy, at work here. Just a perverse, murderously violent, cowardly man.
Sure, Bundy was reputedly charming and articulate (video of him bears this out). But this didn’t make him “smart.” He was, clearly, adept at “masking” himself. But again, effective maskers aren’t smart; they’re just good maskers. And nonsociopaths routinely are good maskers.
Good masking, good self-disguising is a type of social skill, and not the purview of sociopaths exclusively. Also, many sociopaths are terrible maskers, just as many nonsociopaths are.
My point is that the “mask” is not an indication of “smartness.” It’s merely the case that some sociopaths, and some nonsociopaths, can mask aspects of themselves and their agendas effectively; but bear in mind, just as many do this very poorly.
In the end, sociopaths, as a group, have a poor track record of living effective lives. Rather, they live disruptive, unsatisfying lives”¦fraught with pathological attitudes and empathic deficits that bring misery to others and, correspondingly, much trouble and, at best, empty satisfaction, to themselves.
Sociopaths simply are not successful people. They may (or may not) skate along under the radar for some stretch of time, but this is not a “game” that smart people play, and that smart people get off on.
Only dumb people play this game. Only really dumb people live this way. Only really really dumb people derive satisfaction, for however long they can swing it, from pulling the wool over others’ eyes.
It’s just no great shakes to do this, and it doesn’t make you smart.
Hey everyone!
Thanks for all of the great suggestions 🙂 They really helped to clear my mind and kick me back into shape. I really hate mornings so much, wish these nightmares would stop.
I often wonder, do you think his last lash at me, calling me crazy & bipolar, was that what he really thought? Or was he trying to tear down my only remaining defense against him– my mind. I’ve never even known anyone who could write such a convincing sounding apology, and then IMMEDIATELY 180 into calling me crazy. People who genuinely mean what they say would never switch around like that. To me, it sounded like he was a little pissed off that someone finally called him out on his bullshit, and that he was mad it stopped working on me. So instead of (like a normal person) saying, “I understand your anger”, he tried to convince me I was crazy (as he did our entire relationship).
After asking my family, seeing a therapist, making new friends, working, and a new relationship, ZERO of these people think I’ve ever acted crazy/bi-polar, until I met him. They say I’m one of the happiest/kindest people they’ve ever met. They were all worried at the end of the relationship and after the breakup because I was acting impulsively and didn’t trust anyone. But slowly, I have started to heal and become more like my old self. No one seems to think I exhibit any feelings whatsoever of bi-polar or insanity.
I also have to wonder how any decent human being, after hearing about what he did leading to my semester abroad ruined, having to take months off from school, losing some friends, and go into therapy, would EVER think it’s okay to call them “crazy and bi-polar”.
How could you say that to someone who clearly was emotionally and spiritually so damaged?
In some ways, I’m still so angry that I opened up to him and told him how horrible my life became (because I’m sure he loved it), but in another way, I don’t think I ever would have truly understood how cold he was if I hadn’t done so. Before this, I was trying so hard to guard my feelings so he wouldn’t see me as weak. By opening up and telling him how much he hurt me, I could finally see how much he truly did not care.
I just don’t get it. I think what makes him angry is that I didn’t buy any of his garbage. He is worse at pretending to feel remorse than he is at pretending to be in love. No normal person makes such sweeping ridiculous apologies, claiming to be the “worst person in the world” and “thinking about what he did and what he took from me every single day”. And if they do, they MEAN them. They don’t decide 5 seconds later that I’m crazy.
Blah… rambling again as usual. Helps to write it out, sorry!
New winter – crazy and bipolar?! Yeah right! This is the pot calling the kettle black. He knows your weak spot and your triggers and BINGO he has you guessing. My husband was bipolar so I know a few things about the condition and you are NOT showing any symptoms. Crazy? That is a word spaths use a lot when they leave. They move on and tell the next person WE were crazy. Ex spath told me his ex was crazy, then when he went back to her he told her I was crazy. Seems to be a trend of theirs. So please do not worry yourself – he’s the one with mental health issues.
Candy, it’s the same exact thing for me! He called his ex crazy nonstop. Now I know I am the new crazy crazy ex to gain sympathy with the new guy.
I knew I didn’t have any mental health issues, but jeeze that hurt so much to hear from a guy I treated so well, all the time 🙁 I treated him like a prince, and did everything any normal person would love. I was so thoughtful, generous, and considerate.
But something about me knew that he did not love me. I could tell he was saying things, but not meaning them. I used to think I was paranoid, but after having a second NORMAL relationship, I know I wasn’t. It was refreshing to date someone with feelings, real love, and emotions. I trusted him and didn’t have any worries. In the world of science, that would mean that the only changing variable was the BOYFRIEND (NOT ME), so which one is crazy?? I could tell I was 100% spot on about everything my ex did. I also know now why he was so mad it didn’t work. He found someone great with a lot of amazing qualities, and he was just mad that I didn’t believe his charade. In some ways, I do think he wishes he could feel love or be in a normal relationship, and I think it makes him really upset that every time it seems to fail miserably because his partners do not trust him.
I don’t know how to explain it, but he just does not exhibit the signs of someone who is in love, no matter how much he tries to convince himself of it. I know it sounds whacko, but there was always just this uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach about him, and I thought that was just what being in love was. It’s not. After my second relationship, I know that my ex was just an anomaly. After 6 months of paranoia and hating men, I was able to trust again, so quickly, because I could see what someone who was ACTUALLY in love acted like. My concerns were not crazy. He does not know what love feels like, and I think he just wished I would have gone on with his cute little attention/sex game forever, without me falling in love, because that is what seems to ruin his relationships.
In that respect, I sort of feel sorry for him. I may have been badly hurt, but I am recovering and I know I’ll feel that amazing thing called love again soon 🙂 He never has that to look forward to. Just a bunch of manipulation, jealousy, and anger.
Everything he got mad at me or called me crazy for was something HE initiated. The insane amount of texting (which I never reciprocated in the beginning until he would send followups asking WTF I was doing and why I wasn’t responding) — but suddenly when I need to talk to him, I’m being annoying. The sex that he was completely obsessed with and then all the sudden I’m a whore when I start to kiss him. And finally, this is the one that really gets to me, the marriage thing. I know people in their first relationships tend to get a bit cooky and think about things like marriage. I never did– I’ve always been a rational person. HE’S the one who implanted those ideas into my mind. Talking about marriage and kids and soulmates all the time. I became infatuated with the idea. A week before I flew home, he texts me to tell me he loves me and that he’s listening to a song that made him smile because he knew he’d be marrying me (this is while he’s cheating on me). I come home, he dumps me, and tells me I’m just looking for too much and I’m not the person he remembers and that he’s not ready for such a long-term commitment relationship. W..T…F…? THEN DON’T TALK ABOUT MARRIAGE, YOU PSYCHO.
All of this turning around his own insanity on ME, like I was the one that started it all! I wasn’t! I didn’t start ANY of this. HE started the obsessive texting, HE sent me inappropriate pictures of himself, HE talked about marriage. Somehow, this all becomes MY fault and I’m the crazy/in-love one. I don’t get it!!
I know I’m a good catch! Top of my university with a scholarship, an amazing family that anyone would be lucky to be a part of, a super successful career, a publishing deal (with possible movie rights!) on the way, but above all– a big heart. I have such a ridiculous amount to offer for someone my age. He tore all of this down because he wanted me to feel like I was worthless, so I would need him. I don’t need him. I will find someone just as great as me, and I will be happy 🙂
New winter. Gut instinct, as we call it here, is a wonderful thing. Get out there girl and have FUN. You have your head screwed on (not screwed up) All of what you say is true, he’s the loser and I’m pleased that you saw through him. When it comes down to it spaths are like those chocolate Easter bunnies, lovely and shiny on the outside, but take off the wrapper and they are hollow on the inside. You are right – they will never know real love, it’s beyond their understanding.
Good luck with the new person in your life and with the publishing deal. Any chance you could make a spath movie when you are rich and famous?
candy,
Thanks so much! And actually, the whole book is a fictional/adventure-based account of my life up to this point. (So, similar characters, but a more mainstream plot so it’s not a memoir). One plus of being depressed and alone for 3 months was that my writing got a lot better. An agent just signed me on for a series (YAY!), and told me my villain would sell the series for me. The villain is the EXACT same person as my ex. LOL. Ultimate revenge, huh?
It’s not meant in a vicious or spiteful way towards my ex though. It’s meant to shed a lot of light on how a great person (my main character) can become completely lost (verging on suicide) because of an encounter with someone like this. I think a lot of mainstream/popular stories tend to have these unlikely love stories that don’t exist in real life. I also think that sociopaths exist a lot more than people think, and that it’s time for this emotional rape to be taken more seriously. Therapists need to become more aware of it, and the general public needs to know how harmful they can be.
So the story starts out pretty adventurous, lighthearted, and fun. What begins as a side story (the main character’s first love) eventually becomes the central theme of the series. I did my best to recount EVERYTHING from that relationship. From the initial love-bombing, to the lies, to the self-blame, to the manipulation, to the confusion, to the projection, to the total control, to the eventual 180 and betrayal. It’s all from the main character’s perspective, so my goal was to mindf*ck the readers as badly as I felt when I was actually in it. This way, the readers can fall in love with him, just like I did, and then be confused and in disbelief with what actually ends up happening. I walk my character through what I went through, in an attempt to show how severely damaged a heart can become from an experience like this. This completely changes the main character’s personality, ability to empathize (the theme of the whole series!), and eventually the over-arching “quest” (it’s not fantasy/sci-fi, so I hesitate to call it a quest :P) of the novel.
I actually cry when I get into writing about the months immediately after the betrayal. To see this character that I love go on a downward spiral of paranoia, depression, substance abuse, and self-blame hurts. And it reminds me that I was like that at one point. The confusion, misery, hopelessness, along with everyone telling you “Breakups are hard! You’ll be fine in no time!” when you know it’s different than that. What scares me is that I don’t know if I would have gotten better without this website.
I still have yet to write an ending to the series… I guess I’m just waiting to see if I can find my own happy ending.
New Winter, congratulations for your new book and its early success! I’m so happy for you. I did the same thing as you, in channeling my horrible experience with a sex addict/psychopath that nearly ruined my life and my family into a novel called The Seducer. Like you, I found writing fiction with large elements of truth to be very therapeutic. Hopefully, our novels will not only entertain readers, but also warn them about psychopaths and show the way they lure and attempt to destroy their romantic partners. Please let me know as soon as your novel is in print, because I want to buy a copy of it.
By the way, the psychopath I was with behaved similarly to yours: he talked about being soul mates, the love of his life and pressured me after only a few weeks together to marry him. Then, once I agreed to do so after a year, he suddenly changed his tune to “co-habitation,” but still pressured me to divorce, so he could control me. This behavior is typical: I’ve read many similar stories on lovefraud, even if our circumstances and the way they manipulate us differ. As soon as psychopaths conquer one person, they lose interest in her and move on to a new challenge. Moreover, aside from using, deceiving and abusing, some of them are capable of a lot worse…
You’re so fortunate to have escaped from the clutches of your psychopath while being so young and to have learned so much from your experience, so that you’ll never repeat it. Like you said, now you have a successful, healthy and happy life ahead of you. I wish you the best and look forward to reading your book (and seeing the movie).
Claudia, I’m so sorry to hear about what your psychopath did to you 🙁 It truly is terrifying how strong they come on and then pull away once they have you. It’s all about control, but now you know you’ll never put up with one of them again! I can’t believe that cohabitation garbage. I’m relieved to hear you are finally free, too. The abuse is over, and now the healing can finally work without his toxic words.
The Seducer sounds really great too, and I’d love to read it! The writing helps so much, and it sounds like it helped you too. Let me know when yours hits the shelves 🙂 I’ll be sure to do the same!
New Winter, we should trade novels:) My publisher is printing my nonfiction book on psychopathy first, Dangerous Liaisons and promoting my novel The Seducer online in the meantime. Yesterday I posted a chapter that (I fear) my life would have been had I not woken up and left the psychopath in time:
http://www.neatorama.com/bitlit/2011/03/08/the-seducer-part-iii-chapter-23/
Having studied Comp. lit, I have always loved reading Romantic/realist literature, especially the classics, like Madame Bovary and Anna Karenina. It’s only after I experienced this nightmare on my own skin that I realized just how dangerous these seducers can be. They’re not harmless players, as many believe. And, once you get to know them, there’s nothing truly romantic about them.
I’ll read and review your novel as soon as you let me know it’s been published. What is its title, if I may ask? If you wish to keep in touch by email, you can also write me at kmoscovici@hotmail.com
They may not be very smart (so many of them get caught, like I caught mine), but they SEEM smart enough to have too many others believing them and that their exes are loco..especially when you try to explain to those who you thought were close to your circles at one time, that he is a SPATH, and it seems like YOU’RE the one who’s loco, because THEY don’t bother to do their research. It’s sickening, really.
Zimzoomit, yes, a lot of people are fooled by their glibness and charm. But that wears off after a little while, and what you’re left with is a shallowness that is very close to… stupidity! Like an emotional retardation.