Contrary to a prevailing myth, sociopaths are really no smarter than the average individual”¦probably dumber. Sure, a good one can dupe you, but as I’ve written elswhere, this is no great shakes, as most of us can dupe each other if that’s our goal.
That’s because we enter relationships risking trust and faith in each other, which makes the exploitation of our trust and faith really easy. It takes no genius or particularly smart, crafty person to exploit this trust and faith. It’s as easy to do as it’s wrong.
And so, most sociopaths aren’t really that clever, or ingeniously bright. Most make messes not only of others’ lives, but their own too. Many end up in jail, and those who don’t are often finding trouble in other areas, exercising poor judgement all over the map, squandering friendships, family, and all sorts of meaningful opportunities.
By most standards of a successful life, sociopaths live lives of abject failure, accomplishing little more, at the end of the day, than having produced plenty of havoc and pain. None of this indicates that, as a group, sociopaths are smart.
Sometimes the media sensationalizes the sociopath as the dark, brilliantly predatory monster, especially in classic cases of psychopaths like Ted Bundy. But Ted Bundy wasn’t so smart. In the end, he was nothing but a vicious, sadistic murderer who managed to lure young, naïve girls sufficiently into his proximity to then viciously murder them.
How much of an accomplishment was this? To be able to lure naïve girls near enough to his car to then kidnap and kill them? Otherwise, OJ Simpson style, Bundy was ambushing dormitories at night and butchering innocent, sleeping college kids. Not exactly a genius, or courageous guy, at work here. Just a perverse, murderously violent, cowardly man.
Sure, Bundy was reputedly charming and articulate (video of him bears this out). But this didn’t make him “smart.” He was, clearly, adept at “masking” himself. But again, effective maskers aren’t smart; they’re just good maskers. And nonsociopaths routinely are good maskers.
Good masking, good self-disguising is a type of social skill, and not the purview of sociopaths exclusively. Also, many sociopaths are terrible maskers, just as many nonsociopaths are.
My point is that the “mask” is not an indication of “smartness.” It’s merely the case that some sociopaths, and some nonsociopaths, can mask aspects of themselves and their agendas effectively; but bear in mind, just as many do this very poorly.
In the end, sociopaths, as a group, have a poor track record of living effective lives. Rather, they live disruptive, unsatisfying lives”¦fraught with pathological attitudes and empathic deficits that bring misery to others and, correspondingly, much trouble and, at best, empty satisfaction, to themselves.
Sociopaths simply are not successful people. They may (or may not) skate along under the radar for some stretch of time, but this is not a “game” that smart people play, and that smart people get off on.
Only dumb people play this game. Only really dumb people live this way. Only really really dumb people derive satisfaction, for however long they can swing it, from pulling the wool over others’ eyes.
It’s just no great shakes to do this, and it doesn’t make you smart.
Claudia, I just finished the chapter you posted online! GREAT work!! You have a beautiful writing style, and it’s chilling to read. That picture of the two people kissing is haunting– like one is sucking the life from the other.
Anyone else awake yet? Feeling a little down this morning.
1) I’m replaying some of our earlier interactions, when he first started contacting me online. He sent me so many messages, and when I didn’t respond for a few days (because I had a life), he would send follow-up messages like “I don’t like this little disappearing act you seem prone to.” So then I started to respond more, and he gave me his phone number and told me he wanted to talk more. But his texts were not normal. They were like interrogations. He asked me so much personal stuff about my life, and knew things that I never even told him by stalking my Facebook. I think Facebook stalking is pretty normal in the dating scene, but not someone who goes back 15 pages and watches videos of me from three years ago. Why did he take such a strong interest in me in the beginning? Why was he so intrigued by everything about me? Our little questions game that we played over texting seemed cute at first, but in retrospect I gave him far too much information on my life. I’m wondering if he just used all of that + what he found on Facebook to form the “perfect person” for me? Is that why I fell so hard? Because after so much patience and waiting, I had finally found someone with all of the same values and goals and humor? But then this person completely disappeared. What HAPPENED? When did I go from being the most important thing in the world, to completely uninteresting?
2) I made a mistake and broke NO CONTACT. We’re no longer friends on Facebook, but I was so angry and hurt last night thinking about things, so I searched his profile and saw a picture of him and his new boyfriend. This is what drives me crazy. I’m not jealous, I’m just wondering WTF was wrong with me? He would upload pictures of us and compliment me so much, but then when I started calling him out on his bullshit, he started uploading gross pictures of himself half-naked or with a chain dangling from his mouth. They made me sick, but I would always compliment him. But I’m wondering is why suddenly he seems to much calmer and less promiscuous with this new guy? He’s had the same picture up of them for months, but with me they would last a few weeks before he got bored and decided to post something attention-whoring. Why doesn’t he do this anymore? Why is he so much more stable to the new boyfriend, without those inappropriate pictures? What is the new boyfriend doing differently? I know he’s much less intelligent (not meant to be rude, he’s just not the brightest bulb in the box), so maybe he just doesn’t notice the lies, and so maybe my ex has finally found the perfect boyfriend?
3) Finally, is it normal for the spath to “give” a little when they are finally outed, in order to try to save their own ass? When I eventually confronted him and demanded an apology (that he had no choice to give, since he wanted to know his skin disease), he threw in little comments like “My constant need for attention has harmed me in the past.” and “I know, it’s something I’m working on.” These are things he NEVER would have said in the beginning of the relationship, or admitted any flaw of himself. But suddenly when he is cornered, I think he knew I was getting close to the truth, so he threw in a little distraction (like the “need for attention” thing), with some sympathy of course (“has harmed ME in the past”). Is it normal for them to try to admit some small/sympathetic flaw, in order to avoid you finally seeing the bigger picture? Like, *if I admit a flaw, then they will focus on that instead of the fact that I’m a complete psychopath*. Also, when I finally did call him out on it (I called him a sociopath and told him I knew everything he said was a lie), he took back the entire “apology”, called me bipolar, blocked me on Facebook and logged into his BF’s account and blocked me from there too (even though we’ve never spoken before). I think he was worried I’d out him to the new BF too. But that also doesn’t really fit the spath profile, does it? Because usually they’ll keep up contact simply because they’re bored. It seems unlike a spath to block the person they loved to control. That’s why I second guess myself
Thanks for reading, hope you’re all having a better morning than me!
OH, also I don’t know if I’ve confused anyone, but I’m not a woman! A few of you have referred to me as a woman which I completely understand, given the nature of this site, but I’m a gay guy 😛 I hope I’m this is okay, because I’ve found so much recovery & friendship on this site. You all have been so helpful and kind, and I just wasn’t sure if it was okay for a man to join the club, so I sort of tried to keep it ambiguous!
New Winter, As Oxy said in a post last week, psychopaths use different keys to get to each of us, because our locks are different. So your psychopath’s honeymoon phase with the new boyfriend is different from the one he had with you, because initially he’s molding himself to what works for each (potential) partner. But he’ll eventually be a curse for the new boyfriend just as he was for you, since he can’t love anybody. Your post yesterday, about you having so much to offer–talent, success, youth, personality–was right on. And you’ll offer it to someone who is capable of love, not to a social predator who molds himself to each victim only to suck the life out of them (like in that picture I posted in The Seducer).
Claudia, thanks that helps a lot! I know I have a lot to offer, but I always keep wondering why he hated me for it. He started out so loving and flattering, and suddenly turned so belittling.
It was such a slow and painful process that I didn’t even notice myself dying inside.
Examples:
1) He commented on my weight (I’m 6′, 155lbs, and in very good shape), but for some reason it mattered to me so I stopped eating over the summer so I’d look “good enough” for him when I arrived. I was in the best shape of my life (and miserable, because I wasn’t eating), and the first thing he says to me — “Wow, you are so pale”. How does someone go from 2 months of “You’re the most gorgeous person in the world!” to THAT??
2) I finally paid back all of my borrowed money from my parents for my education and was so excited. I told him and he said, “That’s not even a real loan, it’s from your parents.” His parents pay his FULL RIDE to his school. All of my other friends were so proud of me, but all I cared about was his total lack of care.
3) Calling me dumb all the time, and turning me into his jester. All of our inside jokes were silly mistakes I had made, that he decided to mock for all eternity. At first I thought they were cute, then I started to realize he was really trying to make me dumb. And I started to feel dumb too, it started to become the only way I could interact with people — to make fun of myself.
After a while, I just started to think that nothing I ever did was important or worthwhile or impressive. I know confidence should come from the inside, but I really felt like my accomplishments didn’t matter anymore. Nothing mattered except entertaining him and keeping him happy.
Why did he dislike me so much? I treated him like a prince, and I just don’t understand why nothing I did was ever good enough or impressive. I don’t understand why he needed to tear me down to make the relationship work. When I’m in a relationship, I’m so thrilled if my partner succeeds in something. I talk about it and share it with my friends. I go out of my way to compliment them on things I know they might be insecure about, so they learn how to be more confident. Why did my ex want me to be less confident??
New Winter, the only way psychopaths confirm their false sense of superiority and achieve dominance is by eventually putting down those around them. The flattery is only the initial hook, the subsequent criticisms are the lasting domination. The psychopath I was with criticized his wife’s weight constantly, even though she wasn’t fat at all. But that was her point of insecurity and he milked it for over 15 years. She became completely obsessed with her weight and joined Overeaters Anonymous and began to exercise compulsively, 3 to 4 hours a day, if not more. That was the way he kept her feeling inadequate and unworthy, so she wouldn’t escape his vicious hold on her. The bottom line is: psychopaths attach to dominate others and they take great pleasure in that. That is their only purpose in life. By way of contrast, yours is to love, be good to others and write.
Winter!
I was reading your post above and got immediately confused because your ex has a new bf. I thought you WERE a woman lol!
I’m so glad you clarified that and no one here is going to be any less supportive because you’re gay. I know there are two men here who are and they’re wonderful guys! One of them is Hens. He might well relate to your story! Also my son is gay. I am very supportive of the gay community!
Having said that, it makes sense (but not) what your ex is doing with the new bf. Like Claudia said, “morphing” to be whatever that person wants them to be. Just like he did to you. Fear not, it won’t last long, given your situation with him, it’ll play out the same way. I understand your concern though.
Hang in there and keep posting. it’s quite clear to me that you have MUCH to offer!!
LL
Winter.
IN short, because that’s what psychopaths DO.
Their “job” is to cut you down to build themselves up. That’s exactly what he was doing to you. He saw you as the life giving force that you are and so he sought you out to destroy you.
It’s unfathomable to those of us who do not think like that. Thank GOD you can’t understand it! This makes you a REAL honest human being!!!
So glad you’re OUT of it!!
LL
Star,
Yep. That’s somewhat similar to what I was/am dealing with. Got sick on Thursday (ear) went to doc, got antibiotics for that, but was already in intensive pain with the tooth too. Wound up in ER over the weekend with the tooth pain. I thought I was going to DIE. I have three teeth that are abscessed. I go into see an oral surgeon tomorrow. THANK GOD! The right side of my face is swollen and sore. I’m not in as much pain as I was, but I’m worried that my antibiotics aren’t working like they should. Oral surgeon will have a look tomorrow and if it’s not better, they’ll put me on something else.
I saw a dentist the other day. He refused to extract because the infection was so bad, I wasn’t going to get numb. He wasn’t going to torture me. When he said three teeth needed to come out, I said I need sedation. I called my insurance company and got the green light for an oral surgeon so I could just be out when it goes. I’m so happy about that!
I agree with you, I’m on so many meds. I feel SICK. Pain meds, ibuprofen every four hours, with oxycodone w/apap in between, constipation (Milk of mag for that), and overall feeling of being unwell. I have a hard time resting, but it’s what I need to be doing. My wiener kept me up ALL night trying to go after the chee wow wow (she’s in heat) so now I’m MORE exhausted. I’m going to have to figure out what to do about that. The first night without pain and I’m dealing with a horny wiener, UGH!
I WISH i could do acupuncture. I’ve heard SO many good things about it! My insurance will not cover it though and i can’t afford it. I just found out from ex that he got fired from his job. He’s going back to jail soon anyway, but I was hoping for at least another couple of weeks of child support. Nope.
Anyway…..I’m hoping by next week to be feeling better….
LL
Thanks so much LL! I love your posts, they really put a lot of hope back in my heart.
And the morphing you describe is spot on! That’s what drove me so crazy, is no matter what I did he always mirrored it, but it was NEVER genuine! He wasn’t a real person, and he just completely imploded when I refused to accept his BS. I don’t think he was used to that.
He also CONSTANTLY used his power of suggestion– by calling me gorgeous and beautiful and perfect all the time, I of course reciprocated. He loved that. And once I started doing it, he magically stopped doing it to me. I saw on his Facebook page, only a few weeks after he was with the new BF, the BF posted “I have the most gorgeous, beautiful, flawless boyfriend in the world :D”. It reminded me of me when I first met him. Word for word. He’s already brainwashed. I felt sick, and that’s when I unfriended him from Facebook. I could not even comprehend how a human could be so disposable and replaceable like that.
But that’s what he does– he says things that he wants you to say to him. It’s like the more you say it, the more he can be convinced that it’s true. I didn’t even believe him when he told me he loved me. There was no emotion, no nerves, no anything. It was just monotone, flat, and meaningless. But he set it up all so perfectly. He loved things to be like movies– picture perfect. It’s like he understood through Hollywood how love should look like, even though he never felt it.
I just don’t understand WHY he does what he does. I did have a lot of money when we met, but it’s not like he used me for it. He was a cheap brat and never paid for anything, but he didn’t use me for loans. To me, it seems like the only reason he does this is so that he can feel loved, and continually experience the rush of the “first love”. He tried to emulate that the feeling, but he will never know it. He goes after the same type, every time. Never had a boyfriend, virgin, and a big heart. Why would anyone target that?
I wish I could believe he’s evil and wanted to hurt me. It would make me be able to hate him properly. Like when Skylar said he was trying to drive me insane and would have been entertained if I committed suicide. But something tells me this is different. I get the feeling something quite awful happened in his childhood, and he just wants someone who will love and adore him forever and NEVER point out a flaw. That’s why he was so adamant about the “We’re perfect!” thing. He was creating his own reality that I was never supposed to question. And he doesn’t understand why “becoming the perfect person” doesn’t last. He’s angry that that isn’t enough. It’s not enough, because it’s not love. And even the dumbest person in the world would eventually catch on to that. But it’s like his twisted alternative of love– he’s really trying so hard to make it work and convince himself that he can love too. In that respect, I really do feel sorry for him. But then I think about how he started to tear me down and hurt my feelings and cheat on me. I don’t know…
PS: Thanks so much for the pro-LGBT comments 🙂 That was really nice to read!
Believe it New winter.
If he just wanted love from you, why would he need to tear you down? He feels hate, not love.
Mixed signals are just that. They are intended to confuse you. Why? To make you feel off balance. He doesn’t want love, he wants power over you by taking the reins of your emotions
skylar, are you still there?