Contrary to a prevailing myth, sociopaths are really no smarter than the average individual”¦probably dumber. Sure, a good one can dupe you, but as I’ve written elswhere, this is no great shakes, as most of us can dupe each other if that’s our goal.
That’s because we enter relationships risking trust and faith in each other, which makes the exploitation of our trust and faith really easy. It takes no genius or particularly smart, crafty person to exploit this trust and faith. It’s as easy to do as it’s wrong.
And so, most sociopaths aren’t really that clever, or ingeniously bright. Most make messes not only of others’ lives, but their own too. Many end up in jail, and those who don’t are often finding trouble in other areas, exercising poor judgement all over the map, squandering friendships, family, and all sorts of meaningful opportunities.
By most standards of a successful life, sociopaths live lives of abject failure, accomplishing little more, at the end of the day, than having produced plenty of havoc and pain. None of this indicates that, as a group, sociopaths are smart.
Sometimes the media sensationalizes the sociopath as the dark, brilliantly predatory monster, especially in classic cases of psychopaths like Ted Bundy. But Ted Bundy wasn’t so smart. In the end, he was nothing but a vicious, sadistic murderer who managed to lure young, naïve girls sufficiently into his proximity to then viciously murder them.
How much of an accomplishment was this? To be able to lure naïve girls near enough to his car to then kidnap and kill them? Otherwise, OJ Simpson style, Bundy was ambushing dormitories at night and butchering innocent, sleeping college kids. Not exactly a genius, or courageous guy, at work here. Just a perverse, murderously violent, cowardly man.
Sure, Bundy was reputedly charming and articulate (video of him bears this out). But this didn’t make him “smart.” He was, clearly, adept at “masking” himself. But again, effective maskers aren’t smart; they’re just good maskers. And nonsociopaths routinely are good maskers.
Good masking, good self-disguising is a type of social skill, and not the purview of sociopaths exclusively. Also, many sociopaths are terrible maskers, just as many nonsociopaths are.
My point is that the “mask” is not an indication of “smartness.” It’s merely the case that some sociopaths, and some nonsociopaths, can mask aspects of themselves and their agendas effectively; but bear in mind, just as many do this very poorly.
In the end, sociopaths, as a group, have a poor track record of living effective lives. Rather, they live disruptive, unsatisfying lives”¦fraught with pathological attitudes and empathic deficits that bring misery to others and, correspondingly, much trouble and, at best, empty satisfaction, to themselves.
Sociopaths simply are not successful people. They may (or may not) skate along under the radar for some stretch of time, but this is not a “game” that smart people play, and that smart people get off on.
Only dumb people play this game. Only really dumb people live this way. Only really really dumb people derive satisfaction, for however long they can swing it, from pulling the wool over others’ eyes.
It’s just no great shakes to do this, and it doesn’t make you smart.
SC,
I’m here.
Skylar, I know in my heart you are right, but I just wish there could be something sympathetic about him. But I started to see the reality after a few months in– he just hated me and wanted to see how far he could make me suffer. I think he was attracted to the amount of power and influence I had on those around me, because I was admired. Same with his other BFs. Seems almost like a sick game to take someone well-liked and try to take everything away from them.
I’m also curious– the day he text message dumped me, I did not accept it. I said “No, if you’re doing this, do it in person.” He said, “I don’t think that’s a good idea…”. I said, “I spent $400 to see you in Florida, and came back to the country for you. You can spend $7 on a train ticket to come do this in person.”
And he actually did. Why?
Granted, he just stood there and stared at me. There wasn’t any closure. He just looked at me, and didn’t say a word. When I said he should be more considerate of other peoples’ feelings, he said: “I know, it’s something I’m working on.” That was it.
Why did he come do it in person? Did he feel ANY remorse for what he’d done? I get the feeling he didn’t. 2 mins after, he texted me from the train with a joke about how slow the train was.
WTF?? I still, to this day, don’t understand why he came back. A real sociopath wouldn’t give a shit- it would be an inconvenience.
Does anyone have any ideas on that?
No New Winter,
A real sociopath never misses an opportunity to get a dose of dramatic display, up close and personal. He only texted your break up to be extra hurtful. It worked. Then he got to see the effects up close too.
He is addicted to and feeding off of your emotions. plain and simple.
Skylar, jeeze that is so freaky. And it came to the point where I didn’t want to show emotions in front of him, because I felt naked. I became horribly dependent on anti-anxiety meds because they shut off my emotions and I could be a mindless robot, like him. I didn’t want him to see me cry or feel pain, because I knew he thought it was disgusting. I took a bunch before I went to the train station so I wouldn’t show emotion in front of him. How sad is that? I became accustomed to being ashamed of my emotions.
What you say makes sense though. He listened to me cry and beg and plead on the phone for 45 mins straight without saying a word. No normal human being would ever do that.
And skylar, I need to listen to you more. You help me see so much that is blatantly in my face but I refuse to accept. You tell it as it is, which hurts, but I need to see so I never fall for his BS again.
I’m also curious from your experience, how does a cornered spath act? If they know you know, how are they likely to treat you? What do they do?
New winter,
I also thought you were a woman, but then I’ve been known to confuse people’s genders a lot online. 🙂 Thanks for clarifying.
All of the events you are describing – his comments and pictures of the new bf on facebook, etc. – are the #1 reason you need to stop looking at his facebook. All of these things are very confusing, and you will drive yourself nuts trying to figure out his motives. It’s like one of those riddles that has no answer (I can’t remember what they’re called – an illogical silloloquy or something like that). They just do these things because that’s what sociopaths do. You will drive yourself nuts trying to figure out whether there was any real love or not. In the end, you will find that it doesn’t really matter, because LOOK HOW HE TREATED YOU! I think it was you who said he called you a whore. To me, that alone is intolerable. I used to be a stripper many years ago for a short time. I had one client who called me a whore because I wouldn’t have sex with him. I remember how abusive that felt, and it was coming from a total stranger! I remember walking out of that session and not even caring about the money – I just needed to get away and detox. Abuse feels crappy and we should never have to put up with it.
When I walked away from the spath in my life, I wondered for months if he really deep down could have loved me but something was just really screwed up with him. When I found out about his fraud to the army, I was crushed. His con artistry squelched any fantasies of any possible reunion we could have had. I bet if you dug deep into your ex’s life, you’d find many things that would raise the hair on your head, too. They can present an amazing front.
Did you ever see the movie 9-1/2 weeks? Mickey Rourke and Kim Basinger. When I saw that movie, I was very young and didn’t understand about sociopaths. I just thought Mickey Rourke was hot. But he really pushed the envelope with her, hurting her more and more, and desensitizing her to being treated badly. In the end, when she walked away, he appeared to start opening up to her, as if he wanted to have a real relationship. Sound familiar? It’s the game they play. Back and forth. They all play it.
Oh, I also wanted to comment on your spath calling you crazy and bipolar.
My stepfather was very sociopathic. He physically abused me for 9 years. One day I stood up to him. I got very angry and almost killed him. I had been terrified of him for so long, and 9 years of rage came out. On a dime, his demeanor changed completely. Once he realized he could not control me through fear, guess what he did? He told me I was “crazy” and needed help. He asked why I would “upset my mother like that.” That is a major manipulation and mind f*ck. So yes, it’s very common for a spath to try to convince you you are crazy.
Star,
Thanks so much for your insight! It helps so much 🙂 What you say about “LOOK HOW HE TREATED YOU” is the ultimate point I need to get through my head. Even if he did love me, which he didn’t, that type of abuse is unacceptable. Speaking of dumb sociopaths, he sent me one “care package” while I was abroad. Know what was in it? A card, plastered with pictures of him. Not of us. Just him. What a self-centered lunatic!
Your story about the stranger calling you a whore is awful! What a low-life jerk. I’m so glad you were able to leave and rebuild yourself. Never let anyone call you something like that, you’re a great gal 🙂
The army fraud is unbelievable. What a crazy liar! How’d you eventually find out? I know I’d find plenty of skeletons in my ex’s closet too. His friends would bring up things and he would shut them up and I would ask him what it was and he’d say “It doesn’t matter”. I bet it doesn’t.
I’ll have to watch 9 1/2 Weeks soon! The back and forth sounds very familiar, and psychotic. What an awful way to live life 🙁
Star,
Sounds familiar. It’s like their last-ditch effort, once they know they’ve lost their hold on you. When I took the final stand and refused to accept his fake apology, that’s when I became “bipolar”. Which, by the way, it WAS fake. Which he proved, by freaking out at me and taking back everything he said. You don’t “take back” an apology. You either feel remorse and seek forgiveness, or you don’t. He DIDN’T.
I think it was just one last challenge for him, to see if he could manipulate me into telling him the name of the disease. It would have been a sign to him that he still had control over me. I’m so glad I didn’t 🙂
I’m glad to hear you stood up to your stepfather, though. It sounds like he didn’t like you having a mind of your own, so he thought he’d try to make you crazy.
New winter,
I found out about the army guy’s fraud when I turned him into the army for adultery. His commander told me they suspected him of faking a disability to get out of the army. I confirmed his suspicions, and they charged him, based on the testimonies of me and my friends who met him. Believe it or not, turning him in wasn’t totally motivated by revenge. It really bothered me that it was taxpayers’ money paying his salary. The injustice of this was the main motivation.
It took a full year to recover from this guy. In retrospect, I realize that it doesn’t matter whether he was a sociopath or not, though I’m sure he was. What matters is that the games he played with me are not acceptable. I did the right thing by walking away after only a few months. I didn’t give him the chance to launch a smear campaign against me. But I would guarantee he’s done that with others. He knew I was smart and I was onto him, so he ran. His fatal mistakes were that he didn’t have enough empathy to realize that his continued presence on our shared internet site would be very hurtful to me and prompt me to action. He also was too arrogant to think he could be caught.