Contrary to a prevailing myth, sociopaths are really no smarter than the average individual”¦probably dumber. Sure, a good one can dupe you, but as I’ve written elswhere, this is no great shakes, as most of us can dupe each other if that’s our goal.
That’s because we enter relationships risking trust and faith in each other, which makes the exploitation of our trust and faith really easy. It takes no genius or particularly smart, crafty person to exploit this trust and faith. It’s as easy to do as it’s wrong.
And so, most sociopaths aren’t really that clever, or ingeniously bright. Most make messes not only of others’ lives, but their own too. Many end up in jail, and those who don’t are often finding trouble in other areas, exercising poor judgement all over the map, squandering friendships, family, and all sorts of meaningful opportunities.
By most standards of a successful life, sociopaths live lives of abject failure, accomplishing little more, at the end of the day, than having produced plenty of havoc and pain. None of this indicates that, as a group, sociopaths are smart.
Sometimes the media sensationalizes the sociopath as the dark, brilliantly predatory monster, especially in classic cases of psychopaths like Ted Bundy. But Ted Bundy wasn’t so smart. In the end, he was nothing but a vicious, sadistic murderer who managed to lure young, naïve girls sufficiently into his proximity to then viciously murder them.
How much of an accomplishment was this? To be able to lure naïve girls near enough to his car to then kidnap and kill them? Otherwise, OJ Simpson style, Bundy was ambushing dormitories at night and butchering innocent, sleeping college kids. Not exactly a genius, or courageous guy, at work here. Just a perverse, murderously violent, cowardly man.
Sure, Bundy was reputedly charming and articulate (video of him bears this out). But this didn’t make him “smart.” He was, clearly, adept at “masking” himself. But again, effective maskers aren’t smart; they’re just good maskers. And nonsociopaths routinely are good maskers.
Good masking, good self-disguising is a type of social skill, and not the purview of sociopaths exclusively. Also, many sociopaths are terrible maskers, just as many nonsociopaths are.
My point is that the “mask” is not an indication of “smartness.” It’s merely the case that some sociopaths, and some nonsociopaths, can mask aspects of themselves and their agendas effectively; but bear in mind, just as many do this very poorly.
In the end, sociopaths, as a group, have a poor track record of living effective lives. Rather, they live disruptive, unsatisfying lives”¦fraught with pathological attitudes and empathic deficits that bring misery to others and, correspondingly, much trouble and, at best, empty satisfaction, to themselves.
Sociopaths simply are not successful people. They may (or may not) skate along under the radar for some stretch of time, but this is not a “game” that smart people play, and that smart people get off on.
Only dumb people play this game. Only really dumb people live this way. Only really really dumb people derive satisfaction, for however long they can swing it, from pulling the wool over others’ eyes.
It’s just no great shakes to do this, and it doesn’t make you smart.
Oxy, good morning! I just read your post on anger from last night. You’re so right. I carry anger filled with pain with me every day. Instead of ignoring his emails (I don’t answer any of them but I smolder about them inside), forgiving him, and moving on, I periodically explode not at him, but at others: because I have been “no contact” with him for over three years. Here’s what you wrote about this in your post:
“Fourthly, now that I am no longer angry all the time, I am not so prone to see insult and injury where none is intended. I have more patience with those I love and that love me. I have more patience with myself, and don’t turn this negative energy toward myself at times.”
This anger probably hurts me more than him, since nothing hurts him: every emotion, be it love or hate, just entertains psychopaths. As Sky says, it’s drama/supply. Rationally, I know I should stop carrying around all this anger, but emotionally I still feel it just like other contributors here carry with them other emotions, such as grief or pain. My anger and hatred towards this guy was an issue that was much discussed in therapy, but not resolved. My therapist kept telling me that, in order to heal, I should feel indifference. I know that! I even wrote a post about it because I understood that’s what I should feel. But that doesn’t mean I actually feel it.
As you rightly point out, some of this anger might be deflected guilt, because I allowed this psychopath to pressure me into doing things that hurt my family, particularly my kids. That was his ultimate goal, because to him hurting as many people as possible was a game: just like in bowling the goal is to knock down as many pins as possible with one hit.
After being with a psychopath, most of us experienced PSTD symptoms and most of us carry some emotional baggage that we wouldn’t have if the relationship had been with a “normal” person. But our emotional baggage and way of processing the pain aren’t identical, so we can help each other overcome our particular barriers and blind spots. Thanks for sending me that link!
New Winter, I’m so happy for you! Once you experience again a healthy relationship with a normal boyfriend, you won’t smolder as much about your psychopathic ex. Your emotional energies will be channeled into a real relationship. Especially if you also give yourself the chance to heal between now and then, so that you can approach the new love with an open mind and heart. By the way, how do you do those cute smiley faces? Mine come out like this:).
Hens, I don’t think still being here means that you’re stuck. I’ve noticed that my friends in the “real world” don’t really want to listen to the psychopath issues beyond a certain point. They can’t relate to this experience. This is the only forum where you can have loyal friends, even if the communication is just onlline, where people understand you. And if the friendships are loyal and real, then you stick with them in time.
Stargazer, I’ll let everyone on lovefraud know when Dangerous Liaisons is out in print, in a few months. Since I’ll be getting a few review copies from my publisher, for those of you here who want to read it but can’t afford it, I’ll give you a complimentary review copy. And I’m glad you educated your lizard forum about how cruelty towards animals is often a symptom of psychopathy (cruelty towards living beings in general).
Shabby = This Super moon is going to increase earthquake activity and unleash all kind’s of natural disasters..We should stalk up on supply’s – yep SuperMoon Dance is march 19th – stalk up on wine and beer and candles……the earthquake and tsunami in Japan is just the start….
Dear Claudia,
While “indifference” is the ultimate goal in our feelings toward them it is something that isn’t going to come over night—but also, INDULGING in the anger by even READING the e mails ONLY MAKES THE ANGER WORSE….You are not truly NC if you READ THEM. And, EVERY CONTACT just opens FRESH WOUNDS.
You can’t control him trying to contact you, but YOU CAN CONTROL IF YOU READ THEM. So as long as you read them, knowing you are going to become angry, YOU are still contributing to your own anger and pain.
Also—our thoughts about something happening are what make those things come true.
Like say (just an example) someone believes “I am ALWAYS sad and cry on days it rains.”
Well, you can’t control the weather….and if you BELIEVE you will always be sad and cry on days it rains, you have some choices.
1) stay inside a locked house without windows so you don’t’ KNOW when it is raining outside so you won’t cry and be sad.
2) Actually CRy and be sad every time it rains.
3) say to yourself, I don’t have to be sad and cry every time it rains, I’m not sure why I believed that, but there is no law of man or nature that says this must be true. It isn’t true for others, not everyone cries and is sad when it rains, and I can’t control the weather, but I can CONTROL MY REACTION TO IT.
Just llike we can’t control the weather, you can’t control him and make him stop doing what you don’t want him to…but you HAVE THE CHOICE WHETHER TO LET THIS BEHAVIOR OF HIS SEND YOU INTO A TAIL SPIN OF ANGER, GUILT AND RAGE.
As long as you allow this, he is STILL CONTROLLING HOW YOU FEEL.
You might want to consider some more therapy and actually RESOLVE that anger issue. There may be some anger at him, placing blame on him, but also anger (guilt?) at yourself for being lured in and participating in the “game.”
The continual presence of the anger and triggers easily going off says to me that you still have some issues that need resolution. This is why I am still here at LF after more than 3 years now, because I learn new things each day that help me on my personal journey. Being hair trigger for anger is a flag for I have some work to do. Also, that anger keeps your general stress hormones flowing and those hormones are detrimental to our physical as well as emotional health. I know that I got used to a HIGHHHHHHH LEVEL of stress and didn’t even realize it. I was like an alcoholic that never sobered up, and it took a long time to “sober up” from the stress hormones. Now, if I get suddenly scared or angry, it literally makes me WEAK with the effects of the stress hormones coming and then wearing off. (there is a physical reason for this as the adrenaline dumps all the stored sugar out of your liver into your blood and when it is gone, then you feel weak.) We call this in the south the “shot at and missed and schit at and hit feeling.” LOL
Hens, can you tell me more about the supermoon? It sounds a little scarey.
I’ve been keeping my eye on the tsunami news cause I have a brother in Washington State. We don’t need anymore natural disasters!
Kimmy,
We’re all good here. We live about ninety miles inland. Our entire coastline is under a tsunami warning right now. From what I’m hearing from our local news casts is that it’s not a MANDATORY evacuation. People are encouraged NOT to be on the beaches however, until 8 am this morning. It’s due to “hit” here about 7:35. It’s amazing how people freak out though. The sirens went off at the coast (a friend of mine lives there) and scared the crap out of everyone, then the police were up and down streets, etc….
The highway to get into town here is packed. We’re watching the waves in Hawaii right now. A friend of my daughter’s lives in Japan and we’re a bit concerned for her now, as we have not heard from her yet. I feel sooooo badly for those people!
Thanks for the concern Kimmy, but I think us west coasters are gonna be just fine!
If your brother is inland Kimmy, not much to worry about,even if he’s at the coast, not much to worry about right now..they say the waves may come a little harder towards the south end of the coast where we are….and into cali….
LL
Thanks, LL.
I kind of panicked this morning, because I worried my brother may have gone to bed before hearing any warning so I called himeven though it was about 3 AM for him and he said he wasn’t terribly concerned about it.
I’m glad you’re safe. I hope your daughters freind is ok.
Oxy, you’re so right! The anger I hold on to is my main issue in the aftermath with the psychopath. And I agree with you about NC with him, in any way shape or form: writing or reading him, active or passive. I’ll do my best to implement this.
But even if this anger issue begins to be resolved, I hope I’ll still interact with my new lovefraud online friends. In fact, I hope that nobody here sees this online support group as not moving on or as hopelessly dwelling on a psychopath. Because friends are friends, whether you communicate with them online or in person. The real test is if they care about you and are there for you emotionally when you need them and if they’re genuinely happy for you when things are going well. And Oxy, you play a special role, because you try to be here for everyone on lovefraud. Even if you heal completely from your psychopaths, this forum will still need you. I’m also saying this for Henry and all the regulars. Still being here, communicating with online friends, is a positive sign as long as you can also function fully in the rest of your life.
This is the first I heard about the tsunami. I hope everyone from California is safe (and that the evacuation will be better organized than in New Orleans)!
I just read a very good, but very complex (I couldn’t read the scientific statistics and all the mean, mode, N= jargon) study about trauma bonding. I did get some valuable insight I wanted to share.
They were studying abused women who had managed to get out of their relationships. The average time they had been out was 5 months, for the initial testing. They re-tested each woman 6 months later, and they found that it was normal for the feelings of attachment to an abuser to actually be higher after 6 mos seperation than it was in the beginning.
Yeah. That sucks. But it explains why so many of us get suckered into a reconciliation.
And a huge percentage of the abusers attempted reconciliation.
It sure is confusing when you’re in the middle of it.
The abuser is every bit as bonded as the victim, too, because she is his supply for feelings of power and self-esteem.
Yikes!!
If I can find the article again, I’ll post a link.
Here is the name of the article: Emotional attachments in Abusive Relationships:A Test of Trauma Bonding Theory.