Contrary to a prevailing myth, sociopaths are really no smarter than the average individual”¦probably dumber. Sure, a good one can dupe you, but as I’ve written elswhere, this is no great shakes, as most of us can dupe each other if that’s our goal.
That’s because we enter relationships risking trust and faith in each other, which makes the exploitation of our trust and faith really easy. It takes no genius or particularly smart, crafty person to exploit this trust and faith. It’s as easy to do as it’s wrong.
And so, most sociopaths aren’t really that clever, or ingeniously bright. Most make messes not only of others’ lives, but their own too. Many end up in jail, and those who don’t are often finding trouble in other areas, exercising poor judgement all over the map, squandering friendships, family, and all sorts of meaningful opportunities.
By most standards of a successful life, sociopaths live lives of abject failure, accomplishing little more, at the end of the day, than having produced plenty of havoc and pain. None of this indicates that, as a group, sociopaths are smart.
Sometimes the media sensationalizes the sociopath as the dark, brilliantly predatory monster, especially in classic cases of psychopaths like Ted Bundy. But Ted Bundy wasn’t so smart. In the end, he was nothing but a vicious, sadistic murderer who managed to lure young, naïve girls sufficiently into his proximity to then viciously murder them.
How much of an accomplishment was this? To be able to lure naïve girls near enough to his car to then kidnap and kill them? Otherwise, OJ Simpson style, Bundy was ambushing dormitories at night and butchering innocent, sleeping college kids. Not exactly a genius, or courageous guy, at work here. Just a perverse, murderously violent, cowardly man.
Sure, Bundy was reputedly charming and articulate (video of him bears this out). But this didn’t make him “smart.” He was, clearly, adept at “masking” himself. But again, effective maskers aren’t smart; they’re just good maskers. And nonsociopaths routinely are good maskers.
Good masking, good self-disguising is a type of social skill, and not the purview of sociopaths exclusively. Also, many sociopaths are terrible maskers, just as many nonsociopaths are.
My point is that the “mask” is not an indication of “smartness.” It’s merely the case that some sociopaths, and some nonsociopaths, can mask aspects of themselves and their agendas effectively; but bear in mind, just as many do this very poorly.
In the end, sociopaths, as a group, have a poor track record of living effective lives. Rather, they live disruptive, unsatisfying lives”¦fraught with pathological attitudes and empathic deficits that bring misery to others and, correspondingly, much trouble and, at best, empty satisfaction, to themselves.
Sociopaths simply are not successful people. They may (or may not) skate along under the radar for some stretch of time, but this is not a “game” that smart people play, and that smart people get off on.
Only dumb people play this game. Only really dumb people live this way. Only really really dumb people derive satisfaction, for however long they can swing it, from pulling the wool over others’ eyes.
It’s just no great shakes to do this, and it doesn’t make you smart.
kim frederick
Correction Guys. I said feeling of attachment were likely to be higher after 6 mos seperation, but I should have said after 11 mos of seperation, since they women were already seperated,on average for 5 mos for first test…second test was 6 mos later.
The point is; It takes a long time, and a lot of hard work to over-come these bonds.
one/joy_step_at_a_time
completely off topic here: but i have to say that ‘one joy’ had a moment of contentment and happiness yesterday.
most of you know i have organized a conference, which is coming up soon. i have been struggling with what to wear as none of my business clothes fit, my good shoes fell apart this week and i don’t have much money (my contract ends at the end of the month, so…).
I found a great jacket that i can’t really afford, that would pull together my wardrobe for the two days…so it sits on hold until i can figure out what else might work.
BUT I found a WONDERFUL classic (and may i add, sex-ay) black dress on sale for $65 that i can wear to the evening mixer. I have to say this – I HATE shopping, even when i am slim – not much here to buy, and i don’t have a budget that matches my taste. But last night, i found this dress…it was amazing to find something that fit, is beautiful, is classic and that i could afford…and that didn’t take 4 days to find. yaaay!
it’s kind of a big thing. i will be repping my organization, and making connections to hopefully land a new position. looking good and feeling confident is a big deal. and i haven’t felt sexy in anything since that miserable piece of humanity blew through my life.
one joy: 1, spath:0
skylar
Good Morning all,
Kim,
I think we’re ok here too, we are near the inland waters, so I’m keeping alert, but so far ok.
Claudia,
your anger and your “episode” here (when you thought you were being stalked) are obviously related. I think it was Kathleen who told me that anger is a feeling we have to warn us that we are in danger, to be ready to fight or flight. So obviously you still feel you are in danger. Examine why that is and work towards feeling safe. Then the anger can be released since it serves no purpose.
Claudia
Sky, I DO feel cyberstalked, indeed, since I am cyberstalked. That’s not just paranoia, it’s a fact. He writes me by email every day and also sometimes makes comments on my blogs. I’ll follow Oxy’s advice, which I’ve known for awhile, but didn’t fully practice: No contact means no reading the emails not just no writing them. If I had never even looked at his spams or comments, but deleted them immediately, I probably wouldn’t carry with me for so many years this baggage of anger. Plus, up to a few months ago, I also gave in to the unhealthy curiosity of googling him from time to time, to see where he was moving. I never wrote to him, talked to him, or seen him since December 2007 (or early January 2008, I don’t remember the exact date), though, so I viewed that as “no contact”. But now I’m really going to do no contact, of any kind, and think that will help: meaning no googling him ever again, no reading any of his spam, deleting his blog comments as soon as I realize they’re from him. Having your support here and helping one another will help too. Sometimes we know theoretically what we should do, but don’t do it without an extra push from our support group of online friends.
One/Joy, good for you! I hope that with your new classic dress for success you’ll make very useful connections and get the new position.
lesson learned
Kimmy,
That is very interesting. I would love it if you could post that link, it would be well worth the read!
LL
skylar
OneJoy,
woohoo! congrats on finding clothes that make you happy.
I know exactly what you mean. I hate clothes shopping. Nothing fits, I’m fat, it’s a waste of money… blah blah. Every once in a blue moon (or should we say SUPER MOON), I find something that fits just right and in my budget.
So today, I need clothes for the trade show and I’m going shopping too. I wish we could have shopped together! Maybe the super moon will bring me luck too.
(((OneJoy)))
new winter
OneJoy, congrats!! 😀 I bet you look beautiful! Put on some happy music and dance around too! Ride this moment out, you deserve it
Claudia, from a lot of what I read, it sounds like we’re on the same page. The total lack of trust, the random outbursts of anger, etc. I really hope you’re doing okay, and just remember no one here is ever going to judge you for being too careful 🙂 I think once a trustworthy, good man comes along, that will slowly fade away because you will know you are safe. Instead of that faux sense of security the spath gives you– when you KNOW something is up.
PS, smilies:) need a space before them to convert! Like this 🙂
Stargazer
One joy,
I can see you in my mind’s eye with your new clothes, and you’re gorgeous! I so wish I could be there to shop with you. I love clothes, and I’m a total clothes horse. You would be amazed at the beautiful clothes I found at Goodwill this week! I found a stunning black dress for $3.50. It was originally from Nordstroms and still had the $138 price tag on it. Stuff like that is such a pick-me-up. I also love Nordstroms Rack where I’ve found some great clothes at miniscule prices. You can’t go wrong if you stick to classics – black cocktail dress, blazer, as you mentioned.
new winter
OH and a question to the whole community:
I wanted to find some way to give back to all of you for the amazing help and support I’ve found. So I got to thinking… What if there was a more personal online community for those of us who are suffering/recovering?
I think this blog is great, and the comments have helped so much. But I thought it might be really cool if we had a forum where we could create our own topics, respond, make polls, categorize our posts, “like” other posts, use smilies of course 🙂 and introduce ourselves.
I’m skilled with web design & online communities, so I thought maybe this would be a great opportunity to finally use my abilities for a nice cause! I’ve got my own hosting and can offer a website with zero ads and totally free for all users 🙂 Also was thinking that security is VERY important to keep off cyber-stalkers and spaths. With a forum, we could have private areas with passwords required, etc
But who knows, everyone might just be happy with the blog/comment format as well. In which case, I will shut up! But if this DOES sound like a good idea, could you comment and let me know? I’d really love to get something going, and I can’t think of a better place to find some forum moderators/admins than right here at LF !
Stargazer
Claudia,
What you mentioned about anger is the main reason I don’t want to know whatever became of my exspath. I think it would just make me angry because spaths never really feel remorse, no matter what kind of punishment they get. So what do I care what happened to him? Everything is a game to him.
Also, I am no longer here for the spath talk. I am long over him. I am here for the friendship, comraderie, witty banter, intelligent conversation, and emotional support for my ongoing issues, any time of day or night. Just to read a thread without cringing in horror over all the spelling and grammatical errors is refreshing. On my reptile site, I feel like I need to pour bleach into my eye sockets every time I read a paragraph. LOL