Contrary to a prevailing myth, sociopaths are really no smarter than the average individual”¦probably dumber. Sure, a good one can dupe you, but as I’ve written elswhere, this is no great shakes, as most of us can dupe each other if that’s our goal.
That’s because we enter relationships risking trust and faith in each other, which makes the exploitation of our trust and faith really easy. It takes no genius or particularly smart, crafty person to exploit this trust and faith. It’s as easy to do as it’s wrong.
And so, most sociopaths aren’t really that clever, or ingeniously bright. Most make messes not only of others’ lives, but their own too. Many end up in jail, and those who don’t are often finding trouble in other areas, exercising poor judgement all over the map, squandering friendships, family, and all sorts of meaningful opportunities.
By most standards of a successful life, sociopaths live lives of abject failure, accomplishing little more, at the end of the day, than having produced plenty of havoc and pain. None of this indicates that, as a group, sociopaths are smart.
Sometimes the media sensationalizes the sociopath as the dark, brilliantly predatory monster, especially in classic cases of psychopaths like Ted Bundy. But Ted Bundy wasn’t so smart. In the end, he was nothing but a vicious, sadistic murderer who managed to lure young, naïve girls sufficiently into his proximity to then viciously murder them.
How much of an accomplishment was this? To be able to lure naïve girls near enough to his car to then kidnap and kill them? Otherwise, OJ Simpson style, Bundy was ambushing dormitories at night and butchering innocent, sleeping college kids. Not exactly a genius, or courageous guy, at work here. Just a perverse, murderously violent, cowardly man.
Sure, Bundy was reputedly charming and articulate (video of him bears this out). But this didn’t make him “smart.” He was, clearly, adept at “masking” himself. But again, effective maskers aren’t smart; they’re just good maskers. And nonsociopaths routinely are good maskers.
Good masking, good self-disguising is a type of social skill, and not the purview of sociopaths exclusively. Also, many sociopaths are terrible maskers, just as many nonsociopaths are.
My point is that the “mask” is not an indication of “smartness.” It’s merely the case that some sociopaths, and some nonsociopaths, can mask aspects of themselves and their agendas effectively; but bear in mind, just as many do this very poorly.
In the end, sociopaths, as a group, have a poor track record of living effective lives. Rather, they live disruptive, unsatisfying lives”¦fraught with pathological attitudes and empathic deficits that bring misery to others and, correspondingly, much trouble and, at best, empty satisfaction, to themselves.
Sociopaths simply are not successful people. They may (or may not) skate along under the radar for some stretch of time, but this is not a “game” that smart people play, and that smart people get off on.
Only dumb people play this game. Only really dumb people live this way. Only really really dumb people derive satisfaction, for however long they can swing it, from pulling the wool over others’ eyes.
It’s just no great shakes to do this, and it doesn’t make you smart.
Hens, March 19th, I willl be thinking of you and bigfoot. But I’ll be in Longbeach hoping a Tsunami doesn’t hit.
Oxy, I think your fate is to lead an interesting life! That’s an old Chinese CURSE! “May you live in interesting times.”
Blah! We’ve all been cursed.
Back when I was a teenager, I was like Witsend’s son. I vowed not to lead a boring life. Be careful wha you wish for. I got my horrible wish. Now I can’t escape it. I just want peace but I can’t find it.
Sky, Good morning! I wished for the same thing as you and I can’t escape it either.
LL, I hope your tooth infection is not as bad and that the pain is starting to go away.
Hi Claudia!
Pain is still there, just not as severe as it was (Antibiotic kicked in), and went to the oral surgeon yesterday. The problem is that I have to wait two WEEKS to get the surgery done. He only does surgeries two days a week! So I’m prayerful that the antibiotics have taken care of the infection enough that I’ll last that long (doubt it). I really liked this doc though, so I made appointments for my sons and will again for myself for the rest of the work to be done after surgery.
I’ve been just hanging at home, reading a lot. I read “Women Who Love Psychopaths” again yesterday. All of it. It was so good, I couldn’t put it down, again. This was the second time I’ve read it, and it seems that something new pops up that didn’t before. Learning about reframing my experience with him, as I’ve been overwhelmed with intrusive thoughts of he with new gf the last several days. In thinking about why I’m thinking so much about it, there are, I believe, a few causes. I’m BORED out of my mind. I need to go back to school. Something to look forward too. I’m FRIGHTENED of the future. I’ve not been feeling well, and just sitting around doesn’t sit well with me. I get “Into my head” way too much.
While reading yesterday, Sandra talks about reframing the experience by asking yourself questions when the obsessing happens, “Really? You want to go back to a psychopath/alcoholic?” Well, NO! That this is where the shift occurs for women who are obsessing on a good moment from the relationshit. It’s also what my therapist was referring to in showing me what the shift looks like.
I realized, through doing this, how my mind was truly twisted by this man and his lies, manipulations, blame shifting….
A lot is coming up for me that I can’t quite yet verbalize.
Reading helps.
LL
Skylar, THAT PARTICULAR “CHINESE CURSE” was my P-sperm donor’s favorite saying—in fact, the biography I wrote about the P sperm donor was NAMED “INTERESTING TIMES”—I chose not to publish it…actually I think just writing it was enough for me….helped me find CLOSURE where he is concerned.
Yes, I HAVE been “cursed” to live an INTERESTING life…and I’ve had lots of “adventures” too—you know what an ADVENTURE IS? THE RESULT OF **POOR** PLANING! LOL Yea, I’ve had LOTS OF ADVENTURES as well! ROTFLMAO
But now I am finding that calm, peace and a low level of adrenaline is kind of a nice thing! Makes for a much better life, much less painful!
LL, I’m so glad to hear from you and that your oral surgeon seems competent. I also read Women Who Love Psychopaths several times. For me, that book was even more helpful in some respects than Without Conscience because it covered both sides of the coin: the psychopaths and their victims.
Boredom is what leads psychopaths to torment us and what sometimes leads us to play along with their drama. Even though, as Steve Becker would probably say, psychopaths are the most boring people in the world, because all the drama they create is generated by only one script: how can I get the maximum pleasure for ME at other people’s expense? Life in one dimension is B-O-R-I-N-G!
Focusing on your kids, recovering your health (both mental and physical), going back to school and getting your career back on track are the way to go. That’s not frightening, it’s exciting! Just think of how many people you’ll meet and help as a social worker/therapist. The main challenge seems to be how to get the loans for your education, to get the ball rolling. Have you come up with a few strategies?
Oxy, I forgot to mention to you yesterday that my psychopath writes his messages in the “subject” heading in his emails or on my blog comments when I don’t open and read them. That way they’re glaringly visible even without opening his emails. I guess I’ll have to close my eyes when I erase his spam, so I don’t see any of it:). What would you advise?
Good morning, LF!
Just a quick comment today, I woke up in a GOOD MOOD!!!!!!!!! 😀 I realized all of the BS excuses I was making for my ex were just his poison still in my mind. Looking at it from any sane/third-party perspective, he emotionally abused the life out of me, and now I’m FREE!! No person in their right mind ever would have taken so much kindness and love and generosity from me and turned it into something so horrible. I am FREE from his toxic words, and now I’m finally seeing truth in the world again!
Thanks to all of you here, I have stopped questioning myself and started realizing. I think the more I do this, it hurts, but I can also come to accept what happened and move on, instead of wondering what I did wrong. I did nothing wrong. I was the perfect boyfriend, and I am learning to accept what he did, knowing that it made me more introspective, and that some day soon I’ll find someone who cares for me as much as I care for them 🙂
I’m sure I’ll have other down swings, as always, but I just think this is progress 🙂 My mornings are usually not so great, and this morning I just feel ready to conquer the world, and couldn’t care less what that psycho is doing with his life, because mine is infinitely better!
Hope you’re all doing well, my friends!
Claudia,
I don’t know EXACTLY how much is left for me to access with regards to grants and loans for an undergrad degree, this includes a bachelors. I’ll find out more about that with my appointment. I know it wasn’t a lot and University is much more expensive. I’m taking my prereqs this next term at community college that are required prior to entrance into the University. I only had three more needed and then that is complete! So we shall see!
There is a lot goign on with the kiddos and transitions being made. Putting my son into therapy, trying to find myself another therapist. Getting doc and dentist appointments done, arranged…I’m doing a lot of self care, but also not trying to overwhelm myself right now. I have to do an appeal through FA at school for having withdrawn this past term, except one class. I hope that is approved, but we shall see. My therapist wrote a letter to FA on my behalf and that’s helpful. I’m apprehensive about it as I have to write my own letter as well and i”m struggling with how to word it so as not to get too detailed, but being able to get my point across.
All of this stuff is to happen within the next three weeks. So until then, I’m up in the air!
LL
Well, claudia, I’m not sure what you can do about that…but I do know that you do NOT HAVE TO LET THEM TRIGGER YOU. You CAN take charge of your emotions and just REFUSE to let him continue to control you, because by reacting and saying “well, I can’t stop seeing them” doesn’t mean you can’t stop reacting. You can SET YOUR MIND TO NOT REACT…it will take work, but in the end, we ARE IN CONTROL OF WHAT WE THINK and how we feel about an event.
Realistically, he is NOT HURTING you by sending these UNLESS YOU ALLOW IT TO EFFECT YOUR EMOTIONS. So just make up your mind to either let him control you forever or TAKE CHARGE OF YOURSELF. It is up to you in the end.
For example, if someone you love says “Claudia, you are UGLY” it HURTS BECAUSE WE LOVE THEM and want them to think of us as beautiful –at least in spirit if not body! But if a TOTAL STRANGER that you don’t even know says “Lady, you are UUUUUGLY!” does that ruin your day? Wellllll, DUH! NO!!!! What the hell do you care what some stranger comes up to you and says out of the blue, who the heck does that creep think he is?
So the same words but from two different people—one, you care about and one you don’t even know. So, what’s the difference? YOUR reaction, but you actually can control that.
If you find yourself getting upset at what you can’t control (him sending notes to your blog etc) then say to yourself I WILL NOT LET HIM CONTROL HOW I FEEL….DELETE!!!! AND DONE!!!! Before long you won’t even be having to tell yourself that you will just delete, like swatting a mosquito or a fly that lands on your arm.
Claudia
I’m sensitive to how you’re feeling about contact. It so sucks!
It really messed me up this week. Granted, I’m in the early stages, however, it still messed me up!
Ox is right about choices as to whether or not we allow ourselves to react. I reacted alright, but not in the way that i use to do, like flipping out as soon as he tried to contact this last time. But it’s anger turned inward. I became VERY depressed about it, thus that set into motion, ruminating and obsessing about he and gf this week. It removes my sense of peace, even if he ATTEMPTS to contact. It also creates ANGER on my part, but turns inward because I don’t want to cause pain to anyone by flipping out, being totally triggered.
So alot of what I’ve been doing is reading. If I have to read that book fifty five million times, I’ll do it. My CHOICE now is to read, read, read, until it is SET IN STONE in my mind, how DANGEROUS he has been to me and that I’m LUCKY to be free and that I DON”T need to answer, respond, react to his attempts to get a reaction out of me. he will have to find that elsewhere.
Cyberstalking is very annoying, I will agree with you on that. But in this case, Sky’s grey rock analogy is a good one. I have decided NOT to get onto my IM’s again AT ALL until I can get a handle on his attempts at contact. I can access my email from the internet without going through my IM’s. I have IGNORED anything that resembles any attempts at contact, just deleted them. I can’t be SURE that it’s him, but better to be safe than sorry. Too many times in the past, he has attempted contact as if nothing ever happened. I won’t be going there again.
I agree, just delete, delete, delete!! you’ll be EMPOWERED every single time that you do it. It’s helping me A LOT.
LL