Contrary to a prevailing myth, sociopaths are really no smarter than the average individual”¦probably dumber. Sure, a good one can dupe you, but as I’ve written elswhere, this is no great shakes, as most of us can dupe each other if that’s our goal.
That’s because we enter relationships risking trust and faith in each other, which makes the exploitation of our trust and faith really easy. It takes no genius or particularly smart, crafty person to exploit this trust and faith. It’s as easy to do as it’s wrong.
And so, most sociopaths aren’t really that clever, or ingeniously bright. Most make messes not only of others’ lives, but their own too. Many end up in jail, and those who don’t are often finding trouble in other areas, exercising poor judgement all over the map, squandering friendships, family, and all sorts of meaningful opportunities.
By most standards of a successful life, sociopaths live lives of abject failure, accomplishing little more, at the end of the day, than having produced plenty of havoc and pain. None of this indicates that, as a group, sociopaths are smart.
Sometimes the media sensationalizes the sociopath as the dark, brilliantly predatory monster, especially in classic cases of psychopaths like Ted Bundy. But Ted Bundy wasn’t so smart. In the end, he was nothing but a vicious, sadistic murderer who managed to lure young, naïve girls sufficiently into his proximity to then viciously murder them.
How much of an accomplishment was this? To be able to lure naïve girls near enough to his car to then kidnap and kill them? Otherwise, OJ Simpson style, Bundy was ambushing dormitories at night and butchering innocent, sleeping college kids. Not exactly a genius, or courageous guy, at work here. Just a perverse, murderously violent, cowardly man.
Sure, Bundy was reputedly charming and articulate (video of him bears this out). But this didn’t make him “smart.” He was, clearly, adept at “masking” himself. But again, effective maskers aren’t smart; they’re just good maskers. And nonsociopaths routinely are good maskers.
Good masking, good self-disguising is a type of social skill, and not the purview of sociopaths exclusively. Also, many sociopaths are terrible maskers, just as many nonsociopaths are.
My point is that the “mask” is not an indication of “smartness.” It’s merely the case that some sociopaths, and some nonsociopaths, can mask aspects of themselves and their agendas effectively; but bear in mind, just as many do this very poorly.
In the end, sociopaths, as a group, have a poor track record of living effective lives. Rather, they live disruptive, unsatisfying lives”¦fraught with pathological attitudes and empathic deficits that bring misery to others and, correspondingly, much trouble and, at best, empty satisfaction, to themselves.
Sociopaths simply are not successful people. They may (or may not) skate along under the radar for some stretch of time, but this is not a “game” that smart people play, and that smart people get off on.
Only dumb people play this game. Only really dumb people live this way. Only really really dumb people derive satisfaction, for however long they can swing it, from pulling the wool over others’ eyes.
It’s just no great shakes to do this, and it doesn’t make you smart.
new winter – what a way to start the day~! it gets better everyday – you did not do anything wrong it was not your fault – I too struggled with blaming myself when all the facts were right there – it just takes time to get re-aligned u will be ok – p.s are you a gay male?
Hi hens, yep! I heard you’re the other resident guy on the site?? I don’t think we’ve actually met yet, so hi 🙂 Are you gay as well?
Claudia –
IMHO: if you think that there is any chance at all that at some point in the future you might have to apply for a restraining order against him or involve the police because of his continual stalking, you should keep copies of EVERYTHING that he sends.
A way to do this without agonising over them, would be to print them out as they come through, then delete the email copy completely (empty your “trash” copy as well, so your computer “feels” clean) and fold the printed copy in half and put it away in a box or container that you have specifically for that purpose. Keep the box somewhere that it wont bother you or be constantly in your face with its ugly reminders; but so that you still have all the evidence – just in case you need it.
I did this for 2 years – threw everything he sent into a big bag that I kept out of sight and out of mind. I even copied transcripts of each text message (including dates and times) then had friends witness and sign that they were exact copies, before deleting the texts from my phone. I didn’t need to be lugging around all that bad vibe on my cell phone every day, but I also didn’t want to throw out anything I might need later on. Eventually I got a cell phone that came loaded with a program that automatically downloaded text messages from my phone to my computer (including all identifying details); I would then print those out and file them away.
I am glad that I did this because 5 months after he left me, those text messages formed my evidence for having a violence restraining order granted against spath; another year and a half later, others helped to convict spath of breaching that order.
Recently, 4 years down the track, I find myself preparing for an unanticipated property settlement trial (we settled out of court 4 years ago, but he has now decided to renege on our informal agreement and to try to force me to hand over my house to him) and have started to look into the big bag of stuff I just kept adding to, but never really looking at. I am so glad I kept the things I have kept. Some of it didn’t even seem at the time as if it would ever be useful, yet now that other pieces of the whole puzzle have come together, I can see where they fit and what they help to prove.
The place you DON’T want to hoard anything is on your computer which you probably use most days. Copy it, file it away where it won’t bother you and then delete it.
Claudia, listen to Ox Drover!! I’m a computer nerd, and if you need any help, I can assist you in blocking his IP address, and sending all blog comments + emails STRAIGHT to the trash so you never even know they exist. It will drive him nuts!
What Ox said about someone you LOVE calling you bad things is so true. It kills you inside. Especially after they have sucked you in with all their flattery and sweet talk. Just remember, the only reason they do that is so you fall harder for them and say it ALL RIGHT BACK TO THEM, because they’re insecure lunatics who need to be worshipped.
Also, LL makes a ton of good points about just KEEP realizing what he’s done to you until it is set in your head. Otherwise, his words will keep poisoning you. Right now, I’m at the point where if my ex sent me any sort of letter, I would laugh and throw it out. That’s where you need to be! And you will get there, but KEEP READING & WRITING!! Make two lists– one of good & bad things you did for him, another of good & bad things he did for you. I think you’ll be surprised at how skewed the lists are 🙂
new winter – yes I am,,,,,,,the resident gay guy and sometimes smart ass – hey I have climed out of the abyss from hell with my X, if you want to trade emails Im up for that, You are in a GOOD place here – i am happy to meet you and happy your feeling better about everything – kinda makes my day good as well…..
Hens- mine only got his licence a couple of years ago, (lost his licence, changed his name, re-sat the test)his gf bought his car and guess what? ((BOINK)) I bought him one too!
Bit of a theme going on here.
Hens – wouldn’t you just know it……finally find a guy that you can talk to, understands where you’re coming from, no strings and hells bells….he’s gay:)
candy live and learn…..and carry a big stick…
🙂 send me an email! (deleted)
Oxy, Aussigirl and New Winter, I really appreciate your input and advice. I haven’t cared at all either about his praises or his insults for a long, long time. Ever since I discovered he’s a psychopath. The messages from him that I’m more disturbed about are those that contain threats. Like yesterday, his messages implied that he wanted to hurt my husband. I’ll just save those menacing emails and comments as potential evidence and file it away, but not let them bother me so much.
I think Sky was right: he wants to scare me and my easily triggered anger is a symptom of the fight or flight. I thought it was just a symptom of my hating him:). If he can’t have his ex’s positive emotions and pining over him, evidently he prefers hate over nothing and feeds it.
I’m just glad that you are sympathetic about this cyberstalking issue, because these psychopaths harass us to cultivate a sense of paranoia. Then, if you tell regular people that you’re still being harassed on a daily basis by a psychopath you broke up with over three years ago, they seem incredulous. Their frame of reference is normal guys, who move on once a relationship is over. I think a lot of these psychopaths’ actions are so abnormal, sneaky and insidious that people start doubting the perceptions and words of their victims that they actually happened. Plus, when you become so attuned to daily harassment, you sometimes are just paranoid and wrong, as I was about Hens’ message a few days ago. I think if they can’t finish us off they try to torment us to drive us nuts. I’ll just continue on the new path of grey rock, because like Oxy says, I can’t control his spam but I can control my reactions.