Contrary to a prevailing myth, sociopaths are really no smarter than the average individual”¦probably dumber. Sure, a good one can dupe you, but as I’ve written elswhere, this is no great shakes, as most of us can dupe each other if that’s our goal.
That’s because we enter relationships risking trust and faith in each other, which makes the exploitation of our trust and faith really easy. It takes no genius or particularly smart, crafty person to exploit this trust and faith. It’s as easy to do as it’s wrong.
And so, most sociopaths aren’t really that clever, or ingeniously bright. Most make messes not only of others’ lives, but their own too. Many end up in jail, and those who don’t are often finding trouble in other areas, exercising poor judgement all over the map, squandering friendships, family, and all sorts of meaningful opportunities.
By most standards of a successful life, sociopaths live lives of abject failure, accomplishing little more, at the end of the day, than having produced plenty of havoc and pain. None of this indicates that, as a group, sociopaths are smart.
Sometimes the media sensationalizes the sociopath as the dark, brilliantly predatory monster, especially in classic cases of psychopaths like Ted Bundy. But Ted Bundy wasn’t so smart. In the end, he was nothing but a vicious, sadistic murderer who managed to lure young, naïve girls sufficiently into his proximity to then viciously murder them.
How much of an accomplishment was this? To be able to lure naïve girls near enough to his car to then kidnap and kill them? Otherwise, OJ Simpson style, Bundy was ambushing dormitories at night and butchering innocent, sleeping college kids. Not exactly a genius, or courageous guy, at work here. Just a perverse, murderously violent, cowardly man.
Sure, Bundy was reputedly charming and articulate (video of him bears this out). But this didn’t make him “smart.” He was, clearly, adept at “masking” himself. But again, effective maskers aren’t smart; they’re just good maskers. And nonsociopaths routinely are good maskers.
Good masking, good self-disguising is a type of social skill, and not the purview of sociopaths exclusively. Also, many sociopaths are terrible maskers, just as many nonsociopaths are.
My point is that the “mask” is not an indication of “smartness.” It’s merely the case that some sociopaths, and some nonsociopaths, can mask aspects of themselves and their agendas effectively; but bear in mind, just as many do this very poorly.
In the end, sociopaths, as a group, have a poor track record of living effective lives. Rather, they live disruptive, unsatisfying lives”¦fraught with pathological attitudes and empathic deficits that bring misery to others and, correspondingly, much trouble and, at best, empty satisfaction, to themselves.
Sociopaths simply are not successful people. They may (or may not) skate along under the radar for some stretch of time, but this is not a “game” that smart people play, and that smart people get off on.
Only dumb people play this game. Only really dumb people live this way. Only really really dumb people derive satisfaction, for however long they can swing it, from pulling the wool over others’ eyes.
It’s just no great shakes to do this, and it doesn’t make you smart.
,
LL, it’s okay, just take this one step at a time. If you wish, I’ll help you with wording the letter. I’m serious. Please don’t hesitate to ask me, if I can be of any use to you.
Claudia –
You MUST keep anything that is threatening. Do the police know about this? If not, perhaps it’s time you involved them. There is a difference between going “grey rock” and not defending yourself. You can do both – “grey rock” AND defend yourself – by not reacting with drama and emotion or replying to him and looking interesting to him BUT also by making sure your butt is covered (by keeping proof and going to the police). He doesn’t have to know what you have copied and kept or what you have deleted.
Aussigirl, I printed out some of his spam emails and gave them to my therapist, as evidence. I think before I became more involved with the lovefraud community two weeks ago, my therapist was the only one I could confide in about every little detail, who truly understood how psychopaths think and act. At this stage, I don’t feel I have anything yet that I could take to the police where they’d be very helpful to me. But I will if I do.
Winter,
I think you have some great ideas! Would it be set up kinda like a chat site, you mean or??? Or something like this?
I think the blog is great. I’ve been apart of “chat/blog” sites that were “moderated” but not by very nice people!! There was a narc/MSN site I went to that hadn’t a CLUE about sociopaths, even though they offered similar advice with NC…but this was so clique-ish” for me, and the moderators were VERY abusive. They also played “favorites” and I think that’s super duper dangerous given the mindset of a victim just out of relationship with a N/P/S. They were BLASTED for going back to their relationshits and then showing up again. NO ONE understood WHY these women would go back and then come back to the site, instead they were EMOTIONALLY abused for doing so.
I’m sure that site did some people some good, but I can honestly tell you that the way this site is run, is FAR BETTER than any site I’ve been too. NO SITE will be perfect. NONE, ZILCH, NADA, ZERO (as Ox would say), and this one is no exception, but what is different here than with any other site I’ve been on for help and support is that I have NOT been booted, even while triggered and abusive myself. People here GET IT. They even know how to handle the trolls well and the spaths that occasionally post here have a “view” to express. You are allowed a process here that is unlike any other site.
While this is moderated by Donna, I think it’s COOL that she allows such open, honest expression, no matter where we are at in the process. when it’s a chat site, and there are PM”s going (Private Messages) things tend to get out of hand, and there is a lot of back biting and drama that goes on. That’s also another thing that’s cool about this site, is that to exchange emails, one goes through donna first (but wonder where she is lately cuz I have a request in?), and back biting, if there is to be any, goes on OFF SITE COMPLETELY. This place is also FILLED with incredibly intelligent people. Much different than the other sites. Not that there aren’t intelligent people there, but the differences are HUUUUUUUGE!
I’ve rambled. Sorry. Anyway, that PM buttons that are used for private messages I think are kind of an invite for trouble, drama, pitting other members against one another. That other site reminded me of several gossipy bitch ladies, mired in others dramas, feeding off the excitement of it all then blasting a “target” they have. The neighborhood gossip. YUCK!! That one site, nearly destroyed me emotionally because of what I was going through with spath at the time. They didn’t have the where with all to even name what was happening to me. The “It’s your fault” theme was rampant. It was more like emotional gang raping to me. That’s why one has to be VERY VERY careful as to online support groups, blogs, but especially those with a PM option or moderators that may well be spaths themselves.
LL
Claudia
OMG!!! That would be FAB!!!
I just draw a complete BLANK when I’m about to put anything on paper. It has to be FLAWLESS and written by hand. I’m SO USE to giving out SO MUCH information about myself about EVERYTHING, this time, because it’s my academic/future career on the line, I don’t want to LIE, but I don’t want to be too forthcoming either in damaging what academic future I have left. I don’t assume that FA will “understand” about what a spath is/does and the effects. I can share with you over email what my therapist wrote. I think it’s very good, not too deep, but would appreciate your opinion on it. I have to submit this no later than Tuesday.
I would SO appreciate your help and to share ideas about the emotional abuse stuff too.
LL
LL, I’m so glad I can be of assistance to you! Just send me an email giving me the details: who this letter is supposed to be addressed to, for what purpose, and a rough draft of what you want the letter to say. It doesn’t have to be perfect, just give me an idea of its content. I’ll look over it and send you my draft.
By the way, I wouldn’t put the word “psychopath” in that letter. I would frame it as a “domestic abuse” situation. When you say “psychopath” people tend to think of Ted Bundy or Psycho. Then they may dismiss the whole message. But because there’s so much domestic violence awareness in our culture, they’ll understand what you’re talking about when you frame it as domestic abuse. Let’s exchange emails first. As mentioned earlier, mine is kmoscovici@hotmail.com
Claudia!
Thank you SO MUCH for your willingness to assist! I feel honored!
I will shoot you an email later today. I just HAVE To get my house cleaned and laundry done today and get a store run in, PLUS do an interview for one of my classes, UGH!
Then I can sit down and better gather thoughts prior to sending!
I agree with not putting psychopath within context. I’ll send you the letter my therapist wrote. Maybe that will give you an idea, also my thoughts and words and then go from there.
Thanks again!!
LL
LL, it’s not about honor it’s about friendship:). From what I’ve seen so far, lovefraud friends are often more understanding, supportive and helpful to one another than friends that meet face to face. Just send me the two letters (the one from your therapist and your rough draft) when they’re ready. In the meantime, good luck with all that housework!
sorry for the double post! copy has been deleted.