Dumb Sociopaths

Dear New Winter –

My apologies! – apparently I’m a better judge of character than I am of gender. But that trivial matter aside, you do come across as a first rate fellow, and I just wanted to say again that your story really resonated with me, and I feel bad that you had to undergo such a traumatic relationship. Only the “uninitiated” can underestimate the pain and horror of such an experience. And losing your virginity to such a person just makes it that much worse.

Nevertheless, you have to be careful when you start thinking that he is merely acting that way “because something quite terrible must have happened to him as a child”, etc. In fact, all the evidence points to the contrary: that sociopaths come (in most cases) from loving, caring, nurturing, and even highly privileged environments. And yet THEY STILL TURN OUT TO BE MONSTERS. Indeed, one of the biggest fallacies I see on the part of newbie sociopathic victims, is this notion that “he or she (i.e., the S.) is just a wounded little boy or girl who is acting out simply because they want someone to love them.” In a word, New Winter, NO!!!!!! – that’s simply not how it works. Why they are that way is one of the great mysteries, I’ll grant that; but I tell you, it almost always has nothing to do with childhood trauma. (They will sometimes hint that it does, but it’s just the old pity play, so don’t believe a word of it.)

In short, a healthy and caring person is in most instances incapable of grasping that sociopaths behave as they do “for simply no reason at all.” All the facts tell us that it is so, and yet we try to fill in the gaps by positing imaginary “childhood abuse”, or whatever; but the truth is that the gaps can’t be filled in. Sociopaths are like that simply because they are like that.

At any rate, I would also advise against so much as glancing at his Facebook page. That just keeps you in subtle and unhealthy touch with him, and will only serve to prevent real healing. Besides, why throw your pearls amongst swine? He may have taken your physical virginity, but your “real” virginity has more to do with a quality of soul than with the physical act. Yet every time you engage with this rascal, you give him a tiny bit of your dignity, and squander your fine nature on a rogue – and to what end? As I said, you seem like a noble character, so why not save your “spiritual virginity” for the next guy, who – let us hope! – actually deserves it, rather than keeping yourself emotionally tied to this disordered loser?

Just some things to think about. I don’t normally post here because I don’t have a computer and I only get access from time to time when I’m out of the house. (Also, I can’t keep up a conversation because of the delay in my posts, and I don’t like to interrupt the thread by answering questions from last week, etc.) However, like I said, I felt bad for you when I read your story, because I know how much pain this causes. The fact that you are so young and this was something like a “first love” makes it almost unbearable. But trust me, the pain will lessen and things will gradually start to look less menacing and hostile than they do now. And eventually you will even feel happy again (!), and the beauty of life will outweigh it’s misery and ugliness. Of course, you will never see things quite as you did: none of us can ever get back THERE again. But once you get used to it, the new place turns out to be not so bad after all.

Very well – may you get there as soon as possible.

Best wishes,

C.