Contrary to a prevailing myth, sociopaths are really no smarter than the average individual”¦probably dumber. Sure, a good one can dupe you, but as I’ve written elswhere, this is no great shakes, as most of us can dupe each other if that’s our goal.
That’s because we enter relationships risking trust and faith in each other, which makes the exploitation of our trust and faith really easy. It takes no genius or particularly smart, crafty person to exploit this trust and faith. It’s as easy to do as it’s wrong.
And so, most sociopaths aren’t really that clever, or ingeniously bright. Most make messes not only of others’ lives, but their own too. Many end up in jail, and those who don’t are often finding trouble in other areas, exercising poor judgement all over the map, squandering friendships, family, and all sorts of meaningful opportunities.
By most standards of a successful life, sociopaths live lives of abject failure, accomplishing little more, at the end of the day, than having produced plenty of havoc and pain. None of this indicates that, as a group, sociopaths are smart.
Sometimes the media sensationalizes the sociopath as the dark, brilliantly predatory monster, especially in classic cases of psychopaths like Ted Bundy. But Ted Bundy wasn’t so smart. In the end, he was nothing but a vicious, sadistic murderer who managed to lure young, naïve girls sufficiently into his proximity to then viciously murder them.
How much of an accomplishment was this? To be able to lure naïve girls near enough to his car to then kidnap and kill them? Otherwise, OJ Simpson style, Bundy was ambushing dormitories at night and butchering innocent, sleeping college kids. Not exactly a genius, or courageous guy, at work here. Just a perverse, murderously violent, cowardly man.
Sure, Bundy was reputedly charming and articulate (video of him bears this out). But this didn’t make him “smart.” He was, clearly, adept at “masking” himself. But again, effective maskers aren’t smart; they’re just good maskers. And nonsociopaths routinely are good maskers.
Good masking, good self-disguising is a type of social skill, and not the purview of sociopaths exclusively. Also, many sociopaths are terrible maskers, just as many nonsociopaths are.
My point is that the “mask” is not an indication of “smartness.” It’s merely the case that some sociopaths, and some nonsociopaths, can mask aspects of themselves and their agendas effectively; but bear in mind, just as many do this very poorly.
In the end, sociopaths, as a group, have a poor track record of living effective lives. Rather, they live disruptive, unsatisfying lives”¦fraught with pathological attitudes and empathic deficits that bring misery to others and, correspondingly, much trouble and, at best, empty satisfaction, to themselves.
Sociopaths simply are not successful people. They may (or may not) skate along under the radar for some stretch of time, but this is not a “game” that smart people play, and that smart people get off on.
Only dumb people play this game. Only really dumb people live this way. Only really really dumb people derive satisfaction, for however long they can swing it, from pulling the wool over others’ eyes.
It’s just no great shakes to do this, and it doesn’t make you smart.
Dear Henry, no, I get to boink her you’d enjoy it too much! LOL But I’m not going to do it! She how contrary I am!
Actually Star, I have felt just that way myself–I look in the mirror and see my GRANDMOTHER LOOKING BACK! In all my cleaning lately I ran across some photos of me at 25-30 and gosh I was GORGEOUS (if I do say so myself) but you know what—I didn’t know nuttin about nuttin in those days. I was “dumb and happy” cause I didn’t know any better…
And I realize that I did have NOOOOO trouble attracting me from the time I hit puberty (early in my case) but they didn’t for the most part care what was between my ears or in my heart, mostly they just cared that I was “eye candy”—-and yea, I’m NOT eye candy now and my favorite joke is “how do you stop sex between people over 50? YOU TURN ON THE LIGHTS!” HA HA
But you know, my husband was just as “sexy” to me at 72 the day before he died as he was when he and I were both much younger. It NEVER WAS about his looks either…casue he was no “great looker” at all, but he was SO CHARMING he had women falling over him from age 6 to 96 his entire life. His charm was sincere though, not a “love bomb.” He made me feel beautiful even when I was looking more like my grandmother than what I had when I first met him.
Sure it’s fun to flirt and feel that someone is attracted to you, but the bottom line is—LOOK AT THE SOURCE—some guys you met in a bar, will never see again and you took this as VALIDATION that you are over the hill and worthless and that others are worth more than you.
I felt this way after my husband died, and there was no long line out my door, then the PSYCHOPATH showed up and started to love bomb me, made me feel attractive, sexy, adorable, desired….and gosh I fell for it. Now, I getting over that LOOKING TO OTHERS FOR VALIDATION THAT I AM DESIRABLE. I am OKAY, I don’t need someone else to show me that I am OK. If someone isn’t interested in me that’s okay too, I’M INTERSTED IN ME.
BTW–those guys were 99.9% probably just trying to get laid, they were not interested in what was between your ears, so what do you care what they think? Okay, they wanted the younger girls because they thought they might have a better chance of getting laid….next time you go out, go out with women 10 years older than you….and then you will get all the hits…but it will still be from guys just trying to get laid!
Star you are worth more, I am worth more, we are ALL worth more than just “compared to sweet young things” looking older. NO ONE is a “sweet young thing” forever…and only someone as narcissistic and self deluded like Hugh Heffner at 84 can convince himself he is sexy to a 23 year old hottie—honey if he was broke she wouldn’t have him in a second, much less be “in luuuuuve vid him” Excuse me while I puke. LOL
Claudia, for sure 🙂 And I’d love to start discussing more about the ideas you had for educating people and the public on sociopaths. I’ve got class on Wednesday with a great professor who’d probably love to give some input. I’ll see what I can figure out!
Constantine,
Again, it seems MORE THAN PLAUSIBLE to me that a boy could/will have childhood trauma if he was SEXUALIZED at age 12, to have his sexual identity confused. I mean..for someone to sexualize a kid..him having sex with someone other than his first “true love” partner? How could anyone NOT have childhood trauma, from that?
Thanks everyone. You are all working so hard to cheer me up. I’m crying over here. I hope I can feel better soon. A 50-y.o. woman can walk into a bar in Costa Rica with no make-up, hair all frizzed and face all oily from the humidity, laden with mosquito bitesk depressed and discouraged from missing 6 buses in a row…and still have guys of all ages flirting with her. Sometimes it IS just about a little attention so a woman can feel like a woman. I need that sometimes. Of course a guy who doesn’t know me doesn’t know my personality. But if they don’t like what’s on the outside, they will never get to what’s on the inside.
Star,
Now that I”ve seen pics of you, I can say there is NOT ONE THING wrong with how you “look”!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is all coming from INSIDE YOU and your self perceptions! **BOINK**!!!!
You are STUNNING! You have a beautiful smile and a wonderful light in your eyes! Your spath had NONE of that!
Now, here’s another BOINK for ya, PUT THE MEASURING STICK AWAY CHICA!!!!
I understand how you feel, I really do…..but try to think of it this way. Going to a bar? Yea, ok. I go to a bar and guys hit on me. I can tell you that SUCKS (I’ve not been to one in awhile tho), because that means I”m STILL BAIT! EEEEWWW!!!
Maybe you exude a confidence now, something about you that turns potential spaths OFF. GOOD!!!! These young girls are probably a bit impressionable. RE: BAIT!
Bars and nightclubs are breeding grounds for spaths. YOU don’t need that. You’re far to beautiful, inside and out, to settle for less. I understand that attention from men is nice and it IS, it’s flattering, and I understand about wanting to feel beautiful and desired (you don’t have a problem there, trust me!), but that has to come from you. I’m thinkin that this is PROGRESS when a spath won’t even LOOK your way 🙂
CHEER UP!
As beautiful as you are, continue to let that light SHINE and as it does, remember, the spaths will RUN from you! LOL
I was VERY lucky that my first sexual experience was with my first “true love” .. steady boyfriend of almost three years, and that I was also his “first” .. that experience went a long way to help me keep my own sensual/sexual confidence..for many many years post that relationship. I kept that confidence for decades..UNTIL THE SPATH CAME INTO MY LIFE.. And one of the main reasons I did not marry that first true love was because I discovered he was into drugs. A shame, really. He was excellent at math in high school..could have been an engineer or scientist (he ended up being a cross-country truck driver.) Still, I am glad that he was not a predator “masher” type, for, had he been that type, I don’t know if I would have ever become the confident woman I was for decades, and hope to recover at being, FULLY, again, YEARS after that SPATH left my life.
Star,
Hey, just another thing to share, hopefully this helps.
When I go to the grocery store with my daughters, MY DAUGHTERS, they point out to me men that are STARING at me, and my friends do it too. it’s ANNOYING to me!! I don’t NOTICE and I NEVER CARED about it. Their bringing it to my attention irritates me!!
ANd I BET there are men that look your way, of that I have no doubt, but are you EXAMINING each guy that does? well, noooooo……..cheer up! They’re looking, believe me!
LL
LL, the whole point in going to a bar (besides the dancing) is to have guys hit on me. It’s an ego booster. I hate it that it didn’t happen last night. I know this is politically incorrect, but I actually WANT to be a sex object once in a while. At least when I go into a bar.
Sorry for all this negativity. My self-esteem has never been great, but turning 50 seems to have exacerbated the problem.
Also, I heard it from mutual friends of me & my first true love, that he didn’t/doesn’t resent me for breaking it off with him..that he still thinks of me affectionately, now & again, & understands that I thought my future/safety could have been seriously compromised back then, with his drug use. I think he thinks of me in a healthy way, as I do him. That is how HEALTHY relationships should end, as opposed to UNHEALTHY endings with SPATHS.
New Winter, sure, we’ll collaborate however you wish on educating the public about psychopathy, as long as we’ll keep high standards of professional ethics and quality in whatever we do.