Contrary to a prevailing myth, sociopaths are really no smarter than the average individual”¦probably dumber. Sure, a good one can dupe you, but as I’ve written elswhere, this is no great shakes, as most of us can dupe each other if that’s our goal.
That’s because we enter relationships risking trust and faith in each other, which makes the exploitation of our trust and faith really easy. It takes no genius or particularly smart, crafty person to exploit this trust and faith. It’s as easy to do as it’s wrong.
And so, most sociopaths aren’t really that clever, or ingeniously bright. Most make messes not only of others’ lives, but their own too. Many end up in jail, and those who don’t are often finding trouble in other areas, exercising poor judgement all over the map, squandering friendships, family, and all sorts of meaningful opportunities.
By most standards of a successful life, sociopaths live lives of abject failure, accomplishing little more, at the end of the day, than having produced plenty of havoc and pain. None of this indicates that, as a group, sociopaths are smart.
Sometimes the media sensationalizes the sociopath as the dark, brilliantly predatory monster, especially in classic cases of psychopaths like Ted Bundy. But Ted Bundy wasn’t so smart. In the end, he was nothing but a vicious, sadistic murderer who managed to lure young, naïve girls sufficiently into his proximity to then viciously murder them.
How much of an accomplishment was this? To be able to lure naïve girls near enough to his car to then kidnap and kill them? Otherwise, OJ Simpson style, Bundy was ambushing dormitories at night and butchering innocent, sleeping college kids. Not exactly a genius, or courageous guy, at work here. Just a perverse, murderously violent, cowardly man.
Sure, Bundy was reputedly charming and articulate (video of him bears this out). But this didn’t make him “smart.” He was, clearly, adept at “masking” himself. But again, effective maskers aren’t smart; they’re just good maskers. And nonsociopaths routinely are good maskers.
Good masking, good self-disguising is a type of social skill, and not the purview of sociopaths exclusively. Also, many sociopaths are terrible maskers, just as many nonsociopaths are.
My point is that the “mask” is not an indication of “smartness.” It’s merely the case that some sociopaths, and some nonsociopaths, can mask aspects of themselves and their agendas effectively; but bear in mind, just as many do this very poorly.
In the end, sociopaths, as a group, have a poor track record of living effective lives. Rather, they live disruptive, unsatisfying lives”¦fraught with pathological attitudes and empathic deficits that bring misery to others and, correspondingly, much trouble and, at best, empty satisfaction, to themselves.
Sociopaths simply are not successful people. They may (or may not) skate along under the radar for some stretch of time, but this is not a “game” that smart people play, and that smart people get off on.
Only dumb people play this game. Only really dumb people live this way. Only really really dumb people derive satisfaction, for however long they can swing it, from pulling the wool over others’ eyes.
It’s just no great shakes to do this, and it doesn’t make you smart.
Star,
It was unexpected. I had no idea she was even looking. I’m going NC with her. She wasn’t like a close or dear friend. It’s not a “loss” for me as if it would be if it were someone very close to me.
No, I wouldn’t want to be with him anyways, but you know how it goes. All the questions in my head, “Will he be different with her, does he love her, he’s introduced her to all his fam and friends already and she’s living with him now. Pretty damned speedy for just six to eight weeks time. He wasted absolutely no time. It is very painful, those thoughts. I know part of me, intellectually understands that he’s spath, but I’ve not yet integrated that into my heart.
I think you’re right about your self observation, Star. You’ve discussed it here before too and I think it’s insightful! I’m sorry, I missed the Raymond part? I apologize, I don’t know who he is? Or what he was to you? I apologize for not knowing that Star. Sometimes I miss things here, hard to keep stuff straight sometimes.
Eden,
I’d love to know how long he’s been with the new gf and how you found out he’s already cheating on her. Mine apparently goes on hiatus from other women when he’s love bombing a new victim.
LL
zimzoomit, I watched shutter island quite a while ago.. however i didn’t get the impression that Leonardo DiCaprio’s character killed his family… I think the reason he dissociated was from the shock/trauma of his wife having killed(drowned) his children ( Apparently she was mentally ill. ) . Was an interesting flick though.
LL, go ahead and think those things about your ex. But then also put them side by side in your mind with memories of the way he treated you. This should cancel out any imagery of him being like a normal person. My spath was talking marriage with me the day before he discarded me. I would almost guarantee that within a week’s time he found another victim.
No need to ever apologize for not remembering the details of my life. I certainly don’t remember most of people’s details here. I usually have to read them several times to string the parts of the stories together. Raymond was the Canadian guy I fell for in Costa Rica. I think I sent you the picture of us in one of the emails? We had a very passionate and amazing love affair for 2 weeks. It ended when I came back here, and we eventually dropped out of touch.
Star,
OH OKAY! Yep, gotcha!!! Now I remember you mentioning the guy in Costa Rica, that was HIM in the pic? I have to look closely at it again. I love your snakes, they are SO COOL!
Star, I’m trying that. Replacing the good with the bad. I just hope that as time rolls on, the bad becomes a more prominent memory.
LL
LL, I can’t imagine the pain a soc causes when you’ve been with him for many years. I was only with mine for a few months. But the obsessing about him (what is he doing? who is he doing it with? etc.) lasted for many many months. All I can say is that it just finally ended. I guess I got tired of fantasizing all the ways I could have dealt with him and how things could have been different. All the fantasies ended the same way – on a dead end road, with him being married and lying about it. After a while, I guess the fantasies just played themselves out. Eventually, I had a few liaisons with other men, and then they took center stage. I always think about the last guy I slept with. It seems to be a female thang.
One of these days I will tell the story again of the synchronous events that changed my life in the summer of 2008 to help me get over the spath. In a nutshell, I allowed a spiritual guru in the Hindu tradition help me. She came into my life very synchronously and helped me for about a month, During that month I managed to rid myself of a lot of grief and negative energy around the sociopath. It did not fix my underlying self-esteem problems (as you can see) but it did help me move on from him.
Eden,
I saw the last 1/2 of “An Education” and was totally caught off guard by it. Had NO IDEA how close to home it would hit.
I’ve been dealing with quite a lot of PTSD the last few days, triggered by various things big & small.
Made it through the family event (wedding) this weekend ok, a few moments of self-pity that I was alone, one of the triggers was that I was planning to drive by myself, but my brother wanted to pick me and his “date” (my BFF) up and I didn’t want to go with them as a “third wheel” so then he wanted me to go with my parents!
And once there, the pity party continued as I thought the spath & I “should” have been there together, but also know he would have RUINED it for me.
The worst thing that happened was triggered a couple days ago, when one of my visitors parked in my neighbor’s parking space. This neighbor doesn’t have a car & has given me permission for people to park there, and another NOSY neighbor was rude to my visitor & told him he couldn’t park there. Well, with all the activity I hadn’t seen the NOSY neighbor until today, and I flew off the handle! I said “Don’t you DARE talk to my visitors, if you have a problem, you come talk to ME, my family & friends are OFF LIMITS, don’t talk to them, don’t look at them, don’t even breathe in their direction!” That didn’t go over too well with him! He never expected me to fight back, and was so shocked that I said something, he even suggested I was “violent” though I didn’t even come within 10 feet of him. Yes, all 4 feet 11 1/2 inches of me, scaring a 6 foot 2 man! Ok, so there are better ways of setting boundaries, I know that, but I had held my fury in for 2 days already & it was just festering away so even I was surprised at my “fierceness.” By the way, this neighbor has problems with everyone, but in the past I’ve just taken the high road. Kind of wish I had this time too, but you know, adrenaline or something kicked in.
Sigh… I don’t like this side of myself, but I’ve always been protective of my loved ones, and it’s amplified now. I need to chill out a little more, the irritability has been creeping in at work too. How can I get back to functioning a little more like normal?
Star,
I want SO MUCH to move on….actually, around, over, under above the pain…but it’s only through it that it’s going to happen. Sure wish it wasn’t that way. He has already taken so much of my energy (I’ve known him for 20 years, was friends with him for 2, then intimately involved in an affair for 10)…I know, I know….
I’m noticing something else here on this blog for me though that I find reassuring! My empathy levels are VERY SLOWLY, increasing…the more I get to know all of you, the more my heart is opening up…..and that is a good, but scary thing….
Ox’s stuff about her son the other day…I was in tears…I so related to that..when I thought I’d forgotten how it was to feel at all, to empathize with someone else…
star, your stuff….I feel so much for you. I understand. I feel similar things too. After having seen your pics and you having shared part of your life with me, I just feel….like I wish I could do something, ya know? I know I can’t, just be supportive as much as possible.
Mama and Babe… I so get you both. When you post, especially you babe the last 24 or so, hilarious, your anger at spath…I’m feeling that anger too! and through it all, it’s also helping me…
Hens…your wieners….the isolation you feel sometimes..the fear of connecting outside of your immediate circle..I get that too…but especially about how you feel about your wieners…pets are such healing forces….and you’re lucky, you have three…you also help me to understand, as a gay man much older than my son, that this could potentially happen to him too…so he’s reading “without conscience” right now lol! I want him to have safe relationships in the future…I want to relate to my son better, and you show me where I fail in this area of understanding what it is to be gay…I’m naive and ignorant…still, although I’ve claimed to understand….I truly don’t. I accept my son…but I’m worried about how it makes ME look….ironically, the only time I’ve felt totally comfortable with my son’s being gay is at gay pride, which was an absolute TOTAL blast! I have tons of pics and they are GREAT! I missed this last year, but we are going this next together…through you, I’m being shown my ignorance….and I appreciate it.
Claudia, you’re amazing! I can’t wait to read your stuff. I”m so happy to have met someone who also has shared the same situation as was my own…not exactly, but similar…your blog is wonderful and I enjoy it very much.
Eden- I feel so much for you too! I’m seeing so much progress and admittedly I’m envious that you know more about your spath and what a bastard he really is, that you were able to rise above it. It seems to me that validation is well served when you KNOW for a FACT that they’re going on to do the same shiat with others. I wish I knew as much, but i’m not willing to risk contact to find out. Your growth has been huge and I WISH i could meet you and skylar (even shabby too!), and you’re only a state away, but unfortunately, too much of a drive and too much for airfare lol! Maybe someday. 🙂
Sky, you’re amazing. I’ve learned so much from you about my childhood. Looking at things I didn’t dare look at before. Each time you post, provokes thought for me…another thing I need to deal with. Your own willingness to figure out your past, as well as your mere survival after your experience amazes me….and has had an enormous impact on me….
Kimmy, Aussie..Mama Gem….so many here that whether you post in pain, contemplation or with happiness and resignation…I learn from you all….
And each one of you is contributing to what I feared was pathology within myself, an inability to connect, a deep bitterness and rage…that is slowly unwinding, finding the path back to what is real of myself.
this is truly a gift. This site and all of you here.
I just wanted to say thank you so much. It’s truly a God send to me right now.
LL
Dear Zim,
Please forgive my delayed response to your post. As I said, I only have computer access at work, and I’m only here at night for a few days per week…. So again, it’s hard to respond to people’s posts in a convenient or timely fashion.
At any rate, that being said, you bring up a number of interesting points regarding your ex. and the question of childhood trauma. The first thing I would argue, however, is that he isn’t likely to have all the personality disorders you mention (DID, BPD, ASPD or sociopathy, etc) AT THE SAME TIME. In a sense, some of these disorders are mutually exclusive (people with BPD, for example, have conscience and empathy, whereas Sociopaths possess neither.) So I think the first thing is to really figure out into which category he actually falls.
Next, if he really is a sociopath, the problem is that nearly everything such people they tell you is a never-ending patchwork of lies and falsehood – including whatever they may happen to claim about past victimization, childhood abuse, sexual traumas, etc. That doesn’t mean that it can’t be true in SOME CASES, but even if it is, I think it’s much more the “exception that proves the rule.” Besides, there are thousands of sexually abused childeren who grow up to be deeply empathetic, caring and moral people. So clearly sexual abuse (or physical abuse for that matter) doesn’t necessarily lead to sociopathy – as the majority of such cases demonstrate.
My own belief is that childhood sexual abuse is more likely to lead to BPD or DID, than to sociopathy. I can’t say that it has NEVER turned a person into a sociopath, but again, the literature strongly suggests that there is at best a weak correlation between childhood trauma and the later development of sociopathy.
Of course, if one already has the “sociopathic gene” (and there is a genetic component, though I don’t think that’s the whole answer), then one can suppose that being sexually molested or physically mishandled during ones’ formative years would serve to “activate” that genetic tendency faster and more fully than would otherwise be the case. But I have no empirical evidence for this – that’s just my hunch.
In general, I think there is a danger in listening to anything a sociopath claims to be the case about his or her past. We already know that they lie about virtually everything, so why should we believe them in just that one regard? Besides, statistically speaking, we already know that most sociopaths come from completely normal and healthy environments (Hervey Cleckley depicts this brilliantly in The Mask of Sanity) rather than the reverse. To be sure, there might be a “few statistical outliers” where the abuse stories are actually true and can adequately account for the development of the disorder. But my own opinion is that this is more often than not a side path which leads us away from reality. I might be wrong in one out of a thousand cases, but for all that, I’m going to take the “safe bet” insofar as my own life and choices are concerned.
One final point. Even granting that he WAS abused, what does it matter in terms of your relationship to him NOW? If he has the disorder, it doesn’t matter how he came by it. In other words, a rabid dog is going to bite you regardless of whether or not you pity him for having been infected by another contaminated animal. You can feel a kind of “arms’ length” empathy for him, just don’t let that empathy be the hook by which he reels you in. Because that’s what they all do, and in most cases the thing you are pitying them for is based on some sort of falsehood anyway.
Okay, just some “food for thought”! Hope that helps.
All the best,
C.
Claudia –
“Aussigirl, I printed out some of his spam emails and gave them to my therapist, as evidence….At this stage, I don’t feel I have anything yet that I could take to the police where they’d be very helpful to me. But I will if I do.”
Kept copies of even innoccuous-looking emails/text messages/whatever, sent with regularity and with the obvious purpose of “stalking”, help to prove a “pattern of behaviour”. Especially where you have proof that you have told the person not to contact you any more. Their insistence on still doing so, even if the stuff they mostly send is little more then irriatating, is an invasion of your privacy and your wishes. I would keep everything; in 5 years’ time, if he has disappeared and things have settled down, you can always have a bonfire and burn it all; in the meantime, your butt is covered – just in case.
skylar –
“His presentation was that he was a hard working, blue collar, animal loving, heterosexual type who was uniquely talented in many ways but often had hard luck because of his dyslexia and consequent lack of education.”
Boy oh boy, do they read from the same book, or do they read from the same book??????? This just reminded me of a really scarey moment some weeks back, while reading “Without Conscience”, where Hare talks about circular, contradictory conversations and muddled words etc. I had always thought that my Super-spath was dyslexic, but Hare’s observations about HOW THEY TALK sent shivers down my spine. It was just spath speak.
“The truth is that he was a lazy, man-whore, con-artist, bi/tri/quad-sexual sex addict, whose main goal in life is to destroy innocence and watch things decay.”
Hmmmmmmmmmm. Same again. My spath too.
zimzoomit –
“we can all meet for an LF sponsored “Club Med” trip, with “charter” fares (to lessen the burden for each of us)..somewhere exotic. …maybe we can all stay near or with aussiegirl, & give her $ from each of us, to put us up on her floor (I’ve always wanted to visit Australia)”
Well, we are not very exotic here and I don’t have much floor space BUT I do have a big back yard if y’all wanna pitch some tents! LOL
new winter –
I don’t get how on your profile at your “new” site, it says “joined 19 June 2009″…..if you only just set it up – please explain?
Eden –
“wondering if anyone here has seen the movie, “An Education”. I would also like to know if you would share your thoughts/perceptions of the film. …It had a profound impact on me, and I am curious as to the impact/effect it had on others here, on LF.”
Eden, I saw it at the insistence of a very close friend, several months back. It made my blood run cold and my stomach churn. Spath all over, without a doubt. The good thing was that my friend recognised this about my ex-spath and thought I would find it interesting – which I did. Unsettling, but interesting.
Star – I have given permission for Donna to give you my email address – please ask her for it? xx
Aussiegirl, I will! Since you’ve been through this cyberstalking yourself, you definitely know what you’re talking about. In fact, Donna just put up last night a new article on this subject.
As for New Winter, I noticed the same thing about the date. My assumption (when I posted some of my articles on his new psychopathy website) was that he had his personal website since June 19, 2009, but added the part on psychopathy on March 13, 2011.