Contrary to a prevailing myth, sociopaths are really no smarter than the average individual”¦probably dumber. Sure, a good one can dupe you, but as I’ve written elswhere, this is no great shakes, as most of us can dupe each other if that’s our goal.
That’s because we enter relationships risking trust and faith in each other, which makes the exploitation of our trust and faith really easy. It takes no genius or particularly smart, crafty person to exploit this trust and faith. It’s as easy to do as it’s wrong.
And so, most sociopaths aren’t really that clever, or ingeniously bright. Most make messes not only of others’ lives, but their own too. Many end up in jail, and those who don’t are often finding trouble in other areas, exercising poor judgement all over the map, squandering friendships, family, and all sorts of meaningful opportunities.
By most standards of a successful life, sociopaths live lives of abject failure, accomplishing little more, at the end of the day, than having produced plenty of havoc and pain. None of this indicates that, as a group, sociopaths are smart.
Sometimes the media sensationalizes the sociopath as the dark, brilliantly predatory monster, especially in classic cases of psychopaths like Ted Bundy. But Ted Bundy wasn’t so smart. In the end, he was nothing but a vicious, sadistic murderer who managed to lure young, naïve girls sufficiently into his proximity to then viciously murder them.
How much of an accomplishment was this? To be able to lure naïve girls near enough to his car to then kidnap and kill them? Otherwise, OJ Simpson style, Bundy was ambushing dormitories at night and butchering innocent, sleeping college kids. Not exactly a genius, or courageous guy, at work here. Just a perverse, murderously violent, cowardly man.
Sure, Bundy was reputedly charming and articulate (video of him bears this out). But this didn’t make him “smart.” He was, clearly, adept at “masking” himself. But again, effective maskers aren’t smart; they’re just good maskers. And nonsociopaths routinely are good maskers.
Good masking, good self-disguising is a type of social skill, and not the purview of sociopaths exclusively. Also, many sociopaths are terrible maskers, just as many nonsociopaths are.
My point is that the “mask” is not an indication of “smartness.” It’s merely the case that some sociopaths, and some nonsociopaths, can mask aspects of themselves and their agendas effectively; but bear in mind, just as many do this very poorly.
In the end, sociopaths, as a group, have a poor track record of living effective lives. Rather, they live disruptive, unsatisfying lives”¦fraught with pathological attitudes and empathic deficits that bring misery to others and, correspondingly, much trouble and, at best, empty satisfaction, to themselves.
Sociopaths simply are not successful people. They may (or may not) skate along under the radar for some stretch of time, but this is not a “game” that smart people play, and that smart people get off on.
Only dumb people play this game. Only really dumb people live this way. Only really really dumb people derive satisfaction, for however long they can swing it, from pulling the wool over others’ eyes.
It’s just no great shakes to do this, and it doesn’t make you smart.
One of my favorite country songs I sang (learned it way before the ex/spath/musician moved in on my life) was “Fifteen Years Ago” .. he was only too happy to harmonize with me on it, duo guitars & vocals, when we first started working professionally, as a duo. Well, that simple country song says much about how spaths can affect us. The normal guys, who end relationships the RIGHT ways (or with whom we initiated the endings of relationships with them), don’t bother us as much, do they? Uh uh. No. Because we KNOW something is “off” about the personalities & mindsets of spaths. Too bad hindsight has to be 20-20. Otherwise, songs like “Fifteen Years Ago” (with the lyric, “and I still feel the same..why did he have to mention her name?”)
..otherwise, songs like “Fifteen Years Ago”..would not have been written
I wonder.. DO ALL SPATHS RESORT TO EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL, AT THE END OF THEIR RELATIONSHIPS? Mine accused me, in a smutty email his last to me of being a homophobe. It came after I confronted him by e-mail. I’d written that I hoped he wasn’t boffing little boys in those empty homes he’d been hired to paint. He replied with, “Where was all this selfrighteous fervor when you were soaking your panties watching lesbian porno movies??? Do I detect a bit of hypocracy here? I wonder who would be interested in that bit of truth?” [[NOTICE HIS MISSPELLING OF HIPOCRACY. Possibly a symptom of his dyslexia?]] OK, I did watch several films with him, rented from, usually Blockbuster, with “lesbians” in them, with him, (no more so than my older brother would have watched with his wife, and my brother & his wife view many art films.) Typically, though, they were not “porn” films, from Blockbuster. When my ex’s “porn factor” escalated was when he bought/rented hard-core porn, typically S/M or gay-themed, mostly about man on man sex, to which I protested (maybe not as loudly as he could have possibly recognized/interpreted..still.., I protested.) I asked him, “did you and your [2nd wife] watch porn together?” He replied, “Once, but she didn’t like it.” I believe that he exaggerated, years later, that activity of me watching movies (rented from Blockbusters) with him, as if to make me out to be a lesbian, which I am not one. My male therapist thought that e-mail from my ex was the worst he had ever seen.
The only thing I can imagine why the next female victim, after me, was so enamored by him, was..possibly she thought of him as some kind of musical “special” prodigy, like the guy in “Shine” (1996) .. true story about a pianist who experienced a mental breakdown.. as if, for some reason, she had to “save” him from something or somebody. Understand, though, my ex was NOWHERE EVEN CLOSE TO ANY “PRODIGY” LEVEL OF MUSICAL EXPERTISE (was not formally trained..could not, to my knowledge read music.) Sadly, I think her previous husband, who my ex cuckolded, was superior, in intellect & musical skill/talent (at least on classical/jazz piano) than my ex was on guitar (he usually used “chord” charts, not written/formal charts, when he performed with me.. those are “short cuts”.. yes, they work in a pinch, but if one is to hire full orchestration for his/her professional performances, the featured musician is plumb out of luck!), for whom she left her husband.
Yay! I’m back from accidentally being blocked from posting. Missed the interaction on the forum. Lots of reading to catch up 🙂
this is my first post on lovefraud.
i found the site a couple weeks ago, after ending (for GOOD this time) a 3.5 year spath relationship.
i feel like this is the most germane feed to post on because my guy was/is still “magic” to all the mutual “friends” we had in a small urban hipster/artists community.
despite having communicated some harsh realities and even dropping the “spath” bomb to a few of these people, some of whom are somewhat aware theres something wrong with him, just because he is also, of course, a relapsing drug addict, i have been essentially left out in the cold, while he gets to go around town being a shining star.
does anyone have any words of wisdom for what to say/not say anymore? i have been firm on NO CONTACT with him, i even walked out of our local health food spot the other day upon seeing him (he was all smiles) there for the first time since the breakup (this only a day after he tried contacting me for money i “owed” him); but i don’t know how to deal with the surrounding people?!
for a lil background he is a gorgeous (male-model quality), young, artistic, “punk”, ex-convict (a sexy “perk” to wannabe only-slightly-wild women like me), currently involved in, of all things, farming! he was diagnosed with anti-social disorder in his teens. was clean off heroin for years when i met him, but is now back on the weed and alcohol, making him that much more “social” then he was when he was in a 12-step. the signs were always there, but after his relapse it was a full-blown crazy rollercoaster.
i used to think he was truly the most magical gift i had ever been given, and i know everyone else comes pretty damn close to thinking that too…
thank you. this site is truly a godsend.
Dear Bull heart,
Welcome to Lovefraud! Sorry you need to be here, but glad you found it since you do.
There’s no way to convince others that he is what he is, unfortunately….it would be nice if you could,, but too many times they keep up this “mask” and if they are “trying” to get sober/clean people keep on “forgiving” them and giving them chance after chance, and frankly, the looking good and the charm doesn’t hurt him and helps him pull the wool over other’s eyes.
He will eventually ruin his life, run out of supply and in the meantime, all you can do is to protect yourself and stay as “No contact” as possible. Just hold your head us and if someone tries to discuss it unless they are someone very close to you or important, just say something along the line of “I really don’t want to discuss my relationship with John, that is over….how about the NFL, who do you think will be in the super bowl this year?” Good luck and God bless.
ps: i am also straddling a thin line of being worried for my safety. its only a matter of time til he knows where i live (i just moved) through mutual people, and then… i know he’s capable of harm in one way or another… or could just as readily do nothing at all.
i have purposefully not told people specifics but today i ran into his “best” girl friend right outside my building so i couldn’t deny my location. i told her not to tell him she had seen me or where i lived. she seemed genuinely slightly concerned, but also probably thought i was mostly just a woman scorned.
this new social reality is so hard…
thanks ox!
i need to work on swallowing my anger and saying next to nothing …when all i want to do is scream, then forward this site to everyone i know with his picture attached.
ugh.
Bullheart,
I know it is frustrating not to tell folks, but hopefully if you just keep your mouth shut and do not “injure” his pride he will leave you alone. If he doesn’t, just do not listen to him….if he confronts you physically, just walk away. If he stalks you, call the cops and file a report. BE CAREFUL. Most of them are not dangerous but a few are. (((hugs))))