Contrary to a prevailing myth, sociopaths are really no smarter than the average individual”¦probably dumber. Sure, a good one can dupe you, but as I’ve written elswhere, this is no great shakes, as most of us can dupe each other if that’s our goal.
That’s because we enter relationships risking trust and faith in each other, which makes the exploitation of our trust and faith really easy. It takes no genius or particularly smart, crafty person to exploit this trust and faith. It’s as easy to do as it’s wrong.
And so, most sociopaths aren’t really that clever, or ingeniously bright. Most make messes not only of others’ lives, but their own too. Many end up in jail, and those who don’t are often finding trouble in other areas, exercising poor judgement all over the map, squandering friendships, family, and all sorts of meaningful opportunities.
By most standards of a successful life, sociopaths live lives of abject failure, accomplishing little more, at the end of the day, than having produced plenty of havoc and pain. None of this indicates that, as a group, sociopaths are smart.
Sometimes the media sensationalizes the sociopath as the dark, brilliantly predatory monster, especially in classic cases of psychopaths like Ted Bundy. But Ted Bundy wasn’t so smart. In the end, he was nothing but a vicious, sadistic murderer who managed to lure young, naïve girls sufficiently into his proximity to then viciously murder them.
How much of an accomplishment was this? To be able to lure naïve girls near enough to his car to then kidnap and kill them? Otherwise, OJ Simpson style, Bundy was ambushing dormitories at night and butchering innocent, sleeping college kids. Not exactly a genius, or courageous guy, at work here. Just a perverse, murderously violent, cowardly man.
Sure, Bundy was reputedly charming and articulate (video of him bears this out). But this didn’t make him “smart.” He was, clearly, adept at “masking” himself. But again, effective maskers aren’t smart; they’re just good maskers. And nonsociopaths routinely are good maskers.
Good masking, good self-disguising is a type of social skill, and not the purview of sociopaths exclusively. Also, many sociopaths are terrible maskers, just as many nonsociopaths are.
My point is that the “mask” is not an indication of “smartness.” It’s merely the case that some sociopaths, and some nonsociopaths, can mask aspects of themselves and their agendas effectively; but bear in mind, just as many do this very poorly.
In the end, sociopaths, as a group, have a poor track record of living effective lives. Rather, they live disruptive, unsatisfying lives”¦fraught with pathological attitudes and empathic deficits that bring misery to others and, correspondingly, much trouble and, at best, empty satisfaction, to themselves.
Sociopaths simply are not successful people. They may (or may not) skate along under the radar for some stretch of time, but this is not a “game” that smart people play, and that smart people get off on.
Only dumb people play this game. Only really dumb people live this way. Only really really dumb people derive satisfaction, for however long they can swing it, from pulling the wool over others’ eyes.
It’s just no great shakes to do this, and it doesn’t make you smart.
magical gift – special – these people are truly touched with a gift to decieve and exploit – I really think they have the power to cast spells. welcome Bullheart – think of this guy as a Life Lesson – read, learn and heal…and save your breath telling other’s about him – take care of yourself.
zimzoomit – have you read ‘romeo bleeds?’ not sure who the author is – maybe somebody can remember…??
My ex is in the process of “Cutting Off His Nose Despite His Face” its scary and stressful to get through this phase but I know by sticking to my guns he is slipping up and slowly but surely everyone is starting to see past the “Mask”. The cops are onto him and keep telling us to call if he so much as shows his face. Today he really slipped and showed up cussing and yelling at my daughters job, with 4 witnesses. Upset her a great deal but the police took the report and said to call if he comes back. I now have a complete Log in Chronological Order of All he has done in the last 18 days. Victims Advocate said when you file a petition for a restraining order the Judge is more likely to approve it if you Show all the recent incidents in a Log Fashion. At the bottom of the Log she told me to write a statement that myself and my children have suffered from Emotional, Mental and Physical abuse through out our entire relationship and now we are in fear of our safety and our lives” she said this closing statement will let the Judge know at least a little bit of what has gone on.
Hope this helps some of you 🙂
Dear Emwitch68
That sounds like some good advice you have been given….but just remember, unless he is actually afraid of going to jail, a restraining order is only a piece of paper…so don’t take any chances, he still might hurt you! (((hugs))) and God bless.
TY Ox,
Yes Im fully aware he may still get violent I generally don’t sleep at night right now. I stay awake till either the sun is coming up or my daughters alarm clock is going off. That way someone is always awake and watching in the house.
Yes he is afraid of going to jail 🙂 He is also very afraid and gets very mad if you mess with “His Public Image” he has this public image hes built with all these people here in town and he doesnt want to loose it right now and Im a HUGE threat to it.
However, lately he is doing more damage to his own Public Image than I could ever hope to LOL. At first I started out very mad and blasted about him on facebook and it ticked him off. Then a friend talked some sense into me and I back off. Now I just post things about abuse or how to spot a Sociopath, things of that nature..LOL. Just enough to let Him know I know and to open people eyes a bit.
It really makes me sick that he has the support of an entire Taekwondo Studio and he is still teaching the local “Anti Bullying” Program for our local public school system.
I have every intention of letting him get himself sent to jail so he looses all of that. I just kinda sit here and keep him pissed off cause I wont give him the computers.
When he gets his with custody papers from his sons mother is when hes really gonna loose it. Around then is when I may see if I can get the cops to look at his computers. 5 of them all together and all I have to tell them is I know there is pornography on them all 🙂
Until he either leaves town or goes to jail I know myself and my children are in danger. We are watching closely and being careful until then.
Thanks n (((Hugs)))
Dear Emwitch,
If you know there are ILLEGAL PORN SITES (children’s porn) I STRONGLY suggest that you take the computers to the cops NOW.
It is ILLEGAL, A FEDERAL CRIME to even be in POSSESSION OF CHILD PORN….adult porn no matter HOW NASTY is not illegal. Child porn, however, just POSSESSING IT IS A CRIME so, I suggest that if you have CHILD porn on the computer that you take it to them NOW….to keep yourself safe.
If he is a martial arts teacher, it is obvious he is able to do violence and him doing an “anti bullying” program for schools is just another way to promote his classes I am sure.
As far as hurting his image, I strongly suggest too that you re-think this posture. It is quite unfortunate but MOST PEOPLE who hear your story are going to give it the “scorned woman” spin because it is a fact that most people “don’t get it” about a psychopath.
As much as we would like to see them get what is coming to them, most of the time we end up doing ourselves more damage, making ourselves look “crazee” (and God knows the things my Ps did to me made me “crazee”) Even my new therapist had me to bring in witnesses and documents to show him I wasn’t some paranoid NUT-JOB! LOL And actually my story is so bizarre that I didnt’ even get upset with him at all….he was totally wise to ask for some proof on a story as crazy as mine! LOL
As much as I have wanted to “expose” those who were involved in the conspiracy against me (mostly family members) I have realized in the end, that the ONLY OPINION THAT REALLY COUNTS IS MINE. I have learned to VALIDATE MYSELF….back when everyone except Columbus thought the world was FLAT, it didn’t change the shape of the world. Truth is truth, even if you are the only one who believes it. God bless. Keep safe.
thanks hens.
to zimzoom: i totally empathize with your connect the dots obsession. for the last 3-6 months of my relationship i felt that’s all i was doing, even staying in it just to connect more, even though half the time i was waiting to prove it to him? myself? the world? that i knew the TRUTH.
as i’ve read more and more stories its mindblowing all the similarities, from cores to nuances.
and yeah: BISEXUALITY.
my dude is a man’s man. but i know (he told me) he used to have gay sex for drugs. it was only when i read his diary (this at the end of our first 2-yr round) that i read he had told one of his sugar daddies he “loved” him to get more out of him.
its only now i realize, his “love” for me was no different.
i read a lot more heinous things, sexual and otherwise, that nite with his handiwork. yet still didnt end things right away. i have always been very “open”, romantic, and dark, and could always somehow think it was part and parcel of being with a “magic” man. i mean i wouldnt have as much fun with a plain jane, right?
this diary was also his 12-step workbook, making it even creepier that he spelled a million things out in black and white, yet…? i don’t get the purpose of “recovery” sometimes with addicts. how can they be coherent of what they’re doing yet not change?
it is true that while he has clean he was 50% better in behavior, even if the underlying principles were still at work. like he had a dried fig of a conscience for a little while. i always held on to that fig, like “he’s ok, underneath, see, he’s aware, even if it only lasted 2 minutes, yesterday, that one time, maybe next week”.
as i told my spath’s friend last nite: “i could tell you 1,000 stories” but they wouldn’t make sense if you heard only 1, or 5, or 10, or… it’s putting the whole gruesome picture together, which only myself, and the lovefraud community! can understand.
which only reinforces its pointless to try and “convince” others.
BUT.
there is a younger woman he dated in between our separation that i have a sinking suspicion will be back with him soon. when i was out of state he had her living with him at his parents, and they were buying a house together, the house that of course became “our” house, though thank GOD my name never got on that deed. it is part of his grand artistic farming project he’s getting so much praise for! she got kicked to the curb as soon as i came back, but they were, of course, still maintaining a phone/text/email/packages in the mail relationship the entire time we were back together, which he always scoffed at “i can’t control what she does, it means nothing, your nuts, and oh btw, I LOVE YOU” etc…
my shrivelled heart goes out to her (despite my simultaneous jealousy and rage) and part of me wants to contact her, but i dont know??? she is young, naive, and totally in love with him. as we neared our recent demise, their contact picked up speed. its only a matter of time.
she is the daughter of alcoholics and a real free spirit, an easy target, able to put up with alot and rely on lots of magical thinking to go through many years of abuse.
i just dont know.
I have to add:
its also eery reading stories of how bad things could have gotten had i married or had children with my spath. all the legal drama and walking around knowing your life is truly threatened. i feel like that future was right THERE, on a damn silver platter.
emwitch!
children’s karate. i totally get it. i was with a “guru” spath in between the one that just made me a lovefraud member!!! AND under the guise of getting me out of my unhealthy pattern with the wrong men!!! sometimes i laugh at the sheer insanity and idiocy of it all. …he volunteers with children doing nature stuff! all these beautiful hippie man creeps. sweet jesus. i guess i always thought if someone was into cool shit they had to be cool. isnt it the lawyers and bankers that are supposed to be nuts?
my own history with dating has included many addicts and 3 clinical spaths.
i am 29. and it stops NOW.
give me an average looking businessman. maybe he can grow his hair out and that will be wild enough for me.
Dear Bull heart,
The healing journey starts out about THEM but winds up about US–we need to find the hole in our armor through which they crawled in and fix it so that there are no more intrusions into our souls from these evil gnomes…I would suggest that you STOP even considering a relationship with ANYONE who has or EVER HAS HAD an addiction….and if the person is DISHONEST OR UNKIND in any way to anyone ditch him right away….but I would also suggest that for a while now, you concentrate on healing yourself rather than looking for another relationship. When you are healthy and happy, a good relationship will come around, but if you are not healthy or happy without a “relationship” all you will find is a relation-shiT. You’ve already had several of those so I don’t think you want another one. 🙂
HI Bullheart,
I liked your term, “magical thinking”. I think a lot of us get trapped in that. I know I kept thinking that if I got it right, then my marriage would be fixed.
One of my husbands flings had magical thinking as her faith. She bought into that fad, “The Secret” and that all she had to to was whisper her desire into the universe and it would “Be”. Well, if wishing worked, I’d have won the lottery years ago! My husband did a lot of magical thinking too, but I just called it lies lies lies.
Yes, definitely a redflag check to write up in my wisdom book… “am I relying on magical thinking.”
Best to you,
Katy