Contrary to a prevailing myth, sociopaths are really no smarter than the average individual”¦probably dumber. Sure, a good one can dupe you, but as I’ve written elswhere, this is no great shakes, as most of us can dupe each other if that’s our goal.
That’s because we enter relationships risking trust and faith in each other, which makes the exploitation of our trust and faith really easy. It takes no genius or particularly smart, crafty person to exploit this trust and faith. It’s as easy to do as it’s wrong.
And so, most sociopaths aren’t really that clever, or ingeniously bright. Most make messes not only of others’ lives, but their own too. Many end up in jail, and those who don’t are often finding trouble in other areas, exercising poor judgement all over the map, squandering friendships, family, and all sorts of meaningful opportunities.
By most standards of a successful life, sociopaths live lives of abject failure, accomplishing little more, at the end of the day, than having produced plenty of havoc and pain. None of this indicates that, as a group, sociopaths are smart.
Sometimes the media sensationalizes the sociopath as the dark, brilliantly predatory monster, especially in classic cases of psychopaths like Ted Bundy. But Ted Bundy wasn’t so smart. In the end, he was nothing but a vicious, sadistic murderer who managed to lure young, naïve girls sufficiently into his proximity to then viciously murder them.
How much of an accomplishment was this? To be able to lure naïve girls near enough to his car to then kidnap and kill them? Otherwise, OJ Simpson style, Bundy was ambushing dormitories at night and butchering innocent, sleeping college kids. Not exactly a genius, or courageous guy, at work here. Just a perverse, murderously violent, cowardly man.
Sure, Bundy was reputedly charming and articulate (video of him bears this out). But this didn’t make him “smart.” He was, clearly, adept at “masking” himself. But again, effective maskers aren’t smart; they’re just good maskers. And nonsociopaths routinely are good maskers.
Good masking, good self-disguising is a type of social skill, and not the purview of sociopaths exclusively. Also, many sociopaths are terrible maskers, just as many nonsociopaths are.
My point is that the “mask” is not an indication of “smartness.” It’s merely the case that some sociopaths, and some nonsociopaths, can mask aspects of themselves and their agendas effectively; but bear in mind, just as many do this very poorly.
In the end, sociopaths, as a group, have a poor track record of living effective lives. Rather, they live disruptive, unsatisfying lives”¦fraught with pathological attitudes and empathic deficits that bring misery to others and, correspondingly, much trouble and, at best, empty satisfaction, to themselves.
Sociopaths simply are not successful people. They may (or may not) skate along under the radar for some stretch of time, but this is not a “game” that smart people play, and that smart people get off on.
Only dumb people play this game. Only really dumb people live this way. Only really really dumb people derive satisfaction, for however long they can swing it, from pulling the wool over others’ eyes.
It’s just no great shakes to do this, and it doesn’t make you smart.
KatyDid
Athena
My husband likes to collect candid photographs of people. But what an observer might see and what he is collecting are two different things.
For ex: The picture of his uncle shows a laughing woman in the background. She’s a woman my spath is having an affair with, at the family event, and there’s his trophy pic showing how he brought her under his wife’s nose. Yet my husband takes NO pics of his wife or child. He’s NOT taking pics of the event. He’s taking pics of HER and how he’s getting away with his affair. Something for him to look at and get pleasure in his WINNING.
KatyDid
athena
i just wanted you to know that i am not against backspathing and would do it but only if opportunity presents itself. i would not make it my life’s mission and there are some that do. they want to “win” over the spath. i think that’s sad b/c being “like them” is never going to be a “win”. but a little poetic justice over EVIL? yes, i enjoy and i enjoy when others report the same. 🙂
when stargazer reports the backspathing she did, i consider that a certain kind of heroism. honor is HUGE currency in the military. unmasking a slimeball who used the military as his mask is one a great example of backspathing. that there was more than one who benefited from her work is just icing on the cake. good work stargazer. really really GOOD work.
Stargazer
The funny thing is that I wasn’t planning to backspath him. I just wanted him to go away and get out of my life. I had met him on a reptile forum where he was a new member, and I a very frequent and longtime member. After the “discard” or whatever you call it, he continued to post on there even after I asked him not to. I simply told him that I never wanted to see or hear from him again. I also told him that if he ever posted on my reptile forum again, I would turn him in for adultery! (I didn’t know about the fraud at that point). All he had to do was stop posting, and he would have gotten away scot free with his entire scheme! The army suspected but had no evidence. But spaths are very intent on winning. He wasn’t about to let me drive him off the reptile forum. He posted the very next day – a full set of pictures that gave “tells” to all of his lies. So true to my word, I turned him in. If he’d just gone away, I would never had known the extent of his lies and fraud. I would never have learned what a sociopath was. I would have just felt like a jilted lover. The dumbass did it to himself!!!! All I wanted was him out of my life. And through my own actions, I eventually got it. When I turned him in, the army gave him a no-contact order on me. He was prohibited from contacting me. At that point, he left the reptile site, which is what I wanted in the first place.
A year later he returned to the reptile site with a bunch of lies, but my friends there all knew who he was. They confronted him, which drove him off pretty quickly. I haven’t seen or heard from him now in over 3 years. Knock on wood.
Stargazer
The moral of the story is if you’re gonna get involved with a spath, pick one who is military (real military not just faking it). The military doesn’t tolerate that kind of crap, and they will punish him.
KatyDid
skylar
i agree the world looks warped and depressing sometimes. once i realized the truth and my naivete, i went into a deep depression. i thought WRONGLY that when i left my horrid family that that was the end of controlling evil manipulative people. i did not realize that there were others LIKE THEM out there, more sophisicated, and totally MASKED. that people chose to do things that were MORE than NOT in their best interest but that actually harmed them physically, financially, and socially was a mindblower to me. Spaths motivation is to WIN AT ALL COSTS. and I mean ALL.
Funny thing happened though. As my world “shrank”, it got richer and more connected to what matters. I don’t have lots of friends. I have a few who are truly amazing, inspiring, talented, curious, validating, and who would go to the ends of the earth for me and I for them. There is a book “tribes”. That’s what I found. My tribe. It’s a small tribe, but worth far more to me than all the foo foo people and “in crowds” that dominate the “happy” lives of others.
The rest are acquaintances whom I enjoy for segments of their personalities but they don’t want me and I don’t want them in my closest circle. It’s a give and take, buyer beware, caveat emptor relationship and I know better that to let them have power over me.
And I finally figured out why having So many friends in a huge social event was draining to me. DUH. It’s b/c lots of people TAKING is DRAINING. I wasn’t Abnormal. What was abnormal was my thinking others didn’t feel the same draining experience.
I do think I am making discoveries and aha moments much later in life than others. Seems everyone knows how people are two faced shallow. I was the only one who took people at face value TO MY DETRIMENT. If I’d realize how two faced people were when I was 20, my life choices would have been SOOO different and I’d likely NEVER have continued to date my spath husband. I would have known to give up on him after the second or third mindf rather than years later after seeing him fully MASK OFF.
Stupid of me to assume mask off was how all bad people were just b/c my family was that way. At least I know better now.
Stargazer
Athena,
What was your backspath? I would love to hear the story.
KatyDid
Stargazer
HA! Your spath experience is PROOF that they are so intent on winning that they can’t see other options, they only see ONE path to WINNING and they will screw themselves in order to obtain that “WINNING” feeling.
I talked to my husband once about the win/win strategy. HIs point was if ANYONE else had a “win”, then by default he lost. So it was important to him not just to WIN but to make sure the other LOST. That’s where my spath trips himself up.
callmeathena
Katydid,
I’d love to share the story on here
callmeathena
I really want to know the story behind him abusing people by getting them to sabotage themselves. Please give examples.
KatyDid
Athena
You don’t have to flesh out your story. If you share the aspect of how his employer discovered the truth about him, not only might that be inspiring, but also might provide a strategy that other victims can use to protect themselves.