Contrary to a prevailing myth, sociopaths are really no smarter than the average individual”¦probably dumber. Sure, a good one can dupe you, but as I’ve written elswhere, this is no great shakes, as most of us can dupe each other if that’s our goal.
That’s because we enter relationships risking trust and faith in each other, which makes the exploitation of our trust and faith really easy. It takes no genius or particularly smart, crafty person to exploit this trust and faith. It’s as easy to do as it’s wrong.
And so, most sociopaths aren’t really that clever, or ingeniously bright. Most make messes not only of others’ lives, but their own too. Many end up in jail, and those who don’t are often finding trouble in other areas, exercising poor judgement all over the map, squandering friendships, family, and all sorts of meaningful opportunities.
By most standards of a successful life, sociopaths live lives of abject failure, accomplishing little more, at the end of the day, than having produced plenty of havoc and pain. None of this indicates that, as a group, sociopaths are smart.
Sometimes the media sensationalizes the sociopath as the dark, brilliantly predatory monster, especially in classic cases of psychopaths like Ted Bundy. But Ted Bundy wasn’t so smart. In the end, he was nothing but a vicious, sadistic murderer who managed to lure young, naïve girls sufficiently into his proximity to then viciously murder them.
How much of an accomplishment was this? To be able to lure naïve girls near enough to his car to then kidnap and kill them? Otherwise, OJ Simpson style, Bundy was ambushing dormitories at night and butchering innocent, sleeping college kids. Not exactly a genius, or courageous guy, at work here. Just a perverse, murderously violent, cowardly man.
Sure, Bundy was reputedly charming and articulate (video of him bears this out). But this didn’t make him “smart.” He was, clearly, adept at “masking” himself. But again, effective maskers aren’t smart; they’re just good maskers. And nonsociopaths routinely are good maskers.
Good masking, good self-disguising is a type of social skill, and not the purview of sociopaths exclusively. Also, many sociopaths are terrible maskers, just as many nonsociopaths are.
My point is that the “mask” is not an indication of “smartness.” It’s merely the case that some sociopaths, and some nonsociopaths, can mask aspects of themselves and their agendas effectively; but bear in mind, just as many do this very poorly.
In the end, sociopaths, as a group, have a poor track record of living effective lives. Rather, they live disruptive, unsatisfying lives”¦fraught with pathological attitudes and empathic deficits that bring misery to others and, correspondingly, much trouble and, at best, empty satisfaction, to themselves.
Sociopaths simply are not successful people. They may (or may not) skate along under the radar for some stretch of time, but this is not a “game” that smart people play, and that smart people get off on.
Only dumb people play this game. Only really dumb people live this way. Only really really dumb people derive satisfaction, for however long they can swing it, from pulling the wool over others’ eyes.
It’s just no great shakes to do this, and it doesn’t make you smart.
callmeathena
Oxy and Sky
Thanks.
Trauma bonded
Fantasy bonded
Can’t or don’t break lose
I realized something important in your response, and in understanding this situation.
In person my spath seemed more real, meaning, it seemed like he had a fairly normal range of emotions. He read faces, responded by nodding, etc.
In writing, however, his shallowness or hollowness SCREAMED OUT.
His family saw more of him in person. So perhaps they are less aware.
I saw more of him in emails and text messages. So perhaps it was a whole lot more evident to me.
Thank you.
Athena
purewaters3
I wondered about what Athena just asked about, for a long time. How can families and people seem to cope with sociopaths/narcissists for so long, knowing that the person is severely diseased, and still stay?
I used to torture myself with that question, wondering why I HAD TO LEAVE, when other people stayed and seemed superficially fine for long periods of time.
Then, I realized how effed up my ex-socio’s family is, what’s happened in his life, the devastation caused by his behavior, and I realized that no one deserves that kind of outcome. And, even if I had the ability to turn a blind eye to what my socio was doing, I wouldn’t want to – even if it meant sustaining that relationship indefinitely. Having him around was a risk to everything and every relationship I had… not worth it.
KatyDid
Skylar
Your wise words describe what I call my husband’s “WINNING”. You wrote:
‘“I don’t know if he doesn’t know right from wrong or he doesn’t care.” I think I would have said, “He does know right from wrong but he feels it backward. Wrong “feels” right to him. It gives him the satisfaction of asserting his will over social mores and without a conscience, that satisfaction is all he feels.”
When you say that “satisfaction is all he feels”, that’s what I defined as his”WINNING”. I also told him many times that he and his family had backward thinking, their logic was backward. Yep. You said it too. BACKWARDS.
Another validation. Thank you. I was right about my conclusions even when I was confused. But now I understand WHY backwards thinking was WINNING to him. Another confusing behavior finally logically explained.
TU. Gold Star for you to start your day.
KatyDid
purewater3
I often wonder the same, how someone can stay. Once I understood my husbands character and his prime motivation (to WIN and prevail over all others), I knew that I was living a competitive marriage where I was made the contant loser and HIS choices would make my future risky b/c he didn’t chose based on our best interests but based on whether he could WIN or dominate over another.
Even if my husband decided to make me exempt from his competitions, I was still caught in a negative lifestyle. I COULD NOT stay. SO I wonder the same, how can someone stay once their spath is unmasked and they KNOW who they really are, that everything about them is to put you at disadvantage, NO loyalty, no protection.
I think they stay b/c they are so angry that they decide they will battle him and “WIN”. They don’t want to leave until they put him in his place. What they are chosing is to wrestle with the pig. The problem is, when you wrestle with a pig, you get dirty. And the pig likes it.
Back_from_the_edge
Ha @ KatyDid….couldn’t have said it better myself. 🙂
Our sense of caring, I think, sometimes overwhelms our sense of intelligence. Truly. But you are right. Water has it’s level. It always finds it’s level. We are no different. It may take us a while to unravel the webs of mass deception, but usually, if we are equipped with the absolute truths and not the deceptions, usually, it has a tendency, after a while, to sink in. We stay much too long. “Hello” is too long.
Our sense of what is right is what I think entraps us and snares us like prey on a spiders web. They so try to keep us ‘mystified’; don’t they? Almost like ‘magic’. The bubble eventually bursts. It’s easier to watch it burst the farther you are away from it. I pray every night, before I sleep, for the women who are mothers with people like this. It’s unfortunate that we never find out until after the devastation has taken place.
I will never be that person I was before my experience.
However, I will be a different person. Wiser and stronger.
More ready to deal with people like this. And, trust me, I fear they are becoming the species of majority. Hence: my agoraphobia, depression, I suppose. You just never know where it will be coming from. But we now KNOW and yes, in a very non credit sort of way, I owe it to my ex spath for the education.
I am doing okay. Dealing with the heart disorder. That and my family and my personal life about me are my primary importance now. SIX MONTHS: “IT” has not heard a peep from me, in any way, shape or form. Although it continues to stalk me, I am very successful at keeping it all at bay now. It has taken me a couple years to learn how to do that but it is working and I refuse to be intimidated in any way whatsoever.
I am not changing anything about MY LIFE: “IT” can do the changing and if not, I am sure we can find a way to convince him of that or restrain him for a while.
Love to all ~ Dupey
KatyDid
Dupey
I had TERRIBLE agoraphobia when I first left my husband. I was in huge fear of everyone. It was the fallout of attacks coming from Nowhere. And from the attempt on my life where I barely escaped. I think of it as my psyche pulling inwards and needed to reset my sense of security, like a turtle pulling into it’s shell.
It took a while, but I am free from it now. I gained my freedom a wee bit at a time, going to trash bin and grocery store after dark so people couldn’t see me. Grocery clerks would be their normal selves, impersonal and polite, but it was SO NOT abusive that it felt WONDERFUL to me. After a bit, the one got used to me shopping so late and we’d have a wee conversation. Such kindness was a balm and blessing like YOU can imagine.
Just sharing that you can progress, just ask yourself what you need for it to happen. And LOOK for angels or angel moments. They do happen.
Shalom
Super Dupester:
You sound amazing. Congratulations on reaching six months NC. Shalom
callmeathena
Clearwater, Duped, Katydid, Skylar, Oxy
Good discussion today about this:
“I don’t know if he doesn’t know right from wrong or he doesn’t care.” I think I would have said, “He does know right from wrong but he feels it backward. Wrong “feels” right to him. It gives him the satisfaction of asserting his will over social mores and without a conscience, that satisfaction is all he feels.”
Really great food for thought.
Katydid, “the pig likes it” made me laugh! You’re SO RIGHT ABOUT THAT!
Athena
purewaters3
KatyDid,
“I think they stay b/c they are so angry that they decide they will battle him and “WIN”. They don’t want to leave until they put him in his place. What they are chosing is to wrestle with the pig. The problem is, when you wrestle with a pig, you get dirty. And the pig likes it.”
I also got caught up in that feeling for a while, wanting to get revenge or hurt him somehow. That lasted a long time. But, finally, real growth came with in depth understanding of who he was, etc. There was no winning. There was no prize. Only greater and lesser degrees of destruction and saddness.
It’s easy to imagine that a marriage with a sociopath could turn out like what you said. A total nightmare.
p.s. My angry phase wasn’t pretty. It was hard… really hard.
purewaters3
I wonder if there’s a way to change our usernames? I like my name, but it does sound a lot like drinking water 😀