Contrary to a prevailing myth, sociopaths are really no smarter than the average individual”¦probably dumber. Sure, a good one can dupe you, but as I’ve written elswhere, this is no great shakes, as most of us can dupe each other if that’s our goal.
That’s because we enter relationships risking trust and faith in each other, which makes the exploitation of our trust and faith really easy. It takes no genius or particularly smart, crafty person to exploit this trust and faith. It’s as easy to do as it’s wrong.
And so, most sociopaths aren’t really that clever, or ingeniously bright. Most make messes not only of others’ lives, but their own too. Many end up in jail, and those who don’t are often finding trouble in other areas, exercising poor judgement all over the map, squandering friendships, family, and all sorts of meaningful opportunities.
By most standards of a successful life, sociopaths live lives of abject failure, accomplishing little more, at the end of the day, than having produced plenty of havoc and pain. None of this indicates that, as a group, sociopaths are smart.
Sometimes the media sensationalizes the sociopath as the dark, brilliantly predatory monster, especially in classic cases of psychopaths like Ted Bundy. But Ted Bundy wasn’t so smart. In the end, he was nothing but a vicious, sadistic murderer who managed to lure young, naïve girls sufficiently into his proximity to then viciously murder them.
How much of an accomplishment was this? To be able to lure naïve girls near enough to his car to then kidnap and kill them? Otherwise, OJ Simpson style, Bundy was ambushing dormitories at night and butchering innocent, sleeping college kids. Not exactly a genius, or courageous guy, at work here. Just a perverse, murderously violent, cowardly man.
Sure, Bundy was reputedly charming and articulate (video of him bears this out). But this didn’t make him “smart.” He was, clearly, adept at “masking” himself. But again, effective maskers aren’t smart; they’re just good maskers. And nonsociopaths routinely are good maskers.
Good masking, good self-disguising is a type of social skill, and not the purview of sociopaths exclusively. Also, many sociopaths are terrible maskers, just as many nonsociopaths are.
My point is that the “mask” is not an indication of “smartness.” It’s merely the case that some sociopaths, and some nonsociopaths, can mask aspects of themselves and their agendas effectively; but bear in mind, just as many do this very poorly.
In the end, sociopaths, as a group, have a poor track record of living effective lives. Rather, they live disruptive, unsatisfying lives”¦fraught with pathological attitudes and empathic deficits that bring misery to others and, correspondingly, much trouble and, at best, empty satisfaction, to themselves.
Sociopaths simply are not successful people. They may (or may not) skate along under the radar for some stretch of time, but this is not a “game” that smart people play, and that smart people get off on.
Only dumb people play this game. Only really dumb people live this way. Only really really dumb people derive satisfaction, for however long they can swing it, from pulling the wool over others’ eyes.
It’s just no great shakes to do this, and it doesn’t make you smart.
KH
I have a tendency to agree with giving everyone an equal share.
I’m sorry you’re suffering so. I was made Executor of my father’s will, however when spath bro and sis swooped down, I let all of that and my money go. It wasn’t worth the battle. There was a lot of division about that amongst those who felt I deserved that money for all the pain and suffering my father put me through (he’s somewhat wealthy), but I knew my sis/bro would attempt to take it from me.
I’d rather live in peace.
I hope that you can find a way to find peace in whatever way you feel things need to be distributed. I would suggest going according to EXACTLY what the will says to do and not defer. I think that would stand on its own, if I understand your situation correctly.
Good Luck and God bless!
LL
thanks lesson for the understanding and that is what i’ve been trying to do is by the book with my Grandmother’s and Father’s will but both are so poor and this 1/3 that we didn’t know was my dad’s is where the bully came in. Initially i let my brother years ago when i was still drinking persuade me to take my grandmother in and have the farm bypass my dad with him having a life lease, but i guess in the chambers or somehow the will is interpreted that my dad had a 1/3 share so my brother had to manipulate some more and put this other bully on who has been blackmailing etc. for almost 2 years and i’ve almost walked away last night but i can’t not do my job as executrix , the mone y is easier to walk from. I feel an obligation but my brother is putting words and ideas in this bullies and everyone else’s heads . Thanks for your story and i fantasize about this all being over it’s been so long. I’ve even lol with a gf last night before i spoke and got all twirled by these aholes about taking it all selling my house and heading to Mexico, wondering how it can be done? It sounds like sweet revenge on them all but i’d have to pay eventually. The energy this take out of us is just sickening, even my eyesight is bad today and i don’t feel like dong anything but kind of shutting down or stunned. I know it will pass and i have to get a back bone . I’m pissed that my dad left this bully to divide it and manipulate me but i know he was coerced, lawyers are all useless as well. sorry i sound so negative it’s just ive not had alot of support or at least in the legal department. sounds crazy but im going it alone, i don’t trust them anymore and they haven’t been able to get anywhere, they all hve covered up each others mistakes and won’t report on one another. To say i despise lawyers at this point is an understatement, they are as bad as the bullies. kd
KH
The day before my mother died, spath sis and bro had her change the will to EXCLUDE me. They knew they were goign to do this and didn’t tell me. They wanted the money all to themselves. My mother was less than 24 hours from death when her spathy asshole lawyer and equally as spathy best friend showed up with my sis/bro spath for my mother to sign.
I got nothing. Nothing from the house (sis/bro split it between themselves), I got out with a few pictures and that was it. She had a household of furniture and amazing china and silver that my bitch spath sis got. When I went by myself to the spath lawyers for the reading of the will after spath bro told me I was getting nothing, I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. It was written in such a way as if I never existed. It also had a stipulation to which if I contested my children would lose THEIR money too. That was all bullshit because there WAS NO MONEY FOR MY CHILDREN. My bro spent his inheritance on drugs. He bought a washer/dryer for his wife. My spath sister sat off work for a year, drinking herself into oblivion. HIs inheritance was gone in three weeks, hers within a year.
I understand how you feel. Wills are an absolute NIGHTMARE, as is being apart of it. I didn’t wish to repeat this with my father. So I bailed.
It is VERY emotionally draining and PAINFUL because family dynamics play out with all the drama.If you think about it, it all seems so silly because really, it’s all about the money.
That just wasn’t worth the effort for me.
I hope you can put this to rest soon so you can have some much needed peace and closure.
LL
Dear Kindheart,
It sounds like you have your hands full with your family and managing the estate. You can see what they are trying to do and how they manipulate therefore you have an advantage. Believe all that they do will be only in their benefit no matter what they say to the contrary.
You are in a situation similar to a good friend of mine. She is taking care of hers dads estate and making the financial decisions. Her dad is ailing but still alive. He is a narcissist and her three brothers are as well. They give her a hard time about everything and she is the only one who really gives a damn about her dad. The brothers are all a piece of work, drug addicted, money grubbing, bunch of nasties.
I don’t wish upon anyone what my friend is going through and what you are going through as well. My advice to you would be to take that time for yourself, with good friends, to get your energy back and get some distance from the situation. If you are in a healthier place yourself you will be able to have a better idea of how to handle each problem as it comes up.
You’re right to call people who know you and who can support you through this very trying time. Get people in your corner to love and encourage you. Maybe it’s time to get a new attorney? It might be an option. Hang in there. The wolves have been at your door for awhile now, they can stay outside as you re-group. Hugs!
Oxy, I really don’t want to know what happened to my exspath. Right before he got charged, I had a conversation with his commander. The commander said they may not be able to do much to him for political reasons (the public might get upset about an Iraqi soldier going to prison). They may have just given him a demotion and dishonorable discharge. I hope he got at least that. If I were to find out he got less, I would be very angry again. I don’t want to open up that can of worms. Isn’t it ironic that the rest of the world will regard him as a hero because he fought in Iraq? Well, who knows what the cowardly loser actually DID over there. But at least he told the truth about that part.
Anyway, you can kind of understand why I was so snowed by him for such a long time….Iraqi soldier….head injury….this is why I made so many allowances for his bizarre behaviors.
Could he have been injured in the part of the brain that makes you want to tell the truth? LOL
Hi KH,
Nice to see you! Reading your post about all the estate drama (ugh) makes me almost glad my sorry excuses for parents will never leave me anything. I don’t think I could handle going through what you are going through with greedy siblings. It sounds like a nightmare. I hope you have a good lawyer and that he/she can fight it out for you so you can have some peace.
Star-my spath was pretty dumb himself-especially for being a physician-those guys are supposed to be smart. When my spaths wife picked up his phone when he was in the shower and found a text from me saying “I love you and miss you”, he sent me a frantic email with the following story to cover it up: I told her that we worked together and that you were a lesbian and that your girlfriend’s phone number was only one number off from mine and that you texted me by accident when you were really trying to text her with that message.
The wife kept calling my phone to try and talk to me and get me to verify the story and I refused to answer the phone. Finally he called me and tried to get me to tell her the same thing and I refused. Do you honestly think that I would lie and say that I was gay when he was “the love of my life” (or so I thought) to try and cover up the relationship. At that point, I didn’t care if the truth came out, I was emotionally exhaused of it all. I kept trying to get the courage to break it off but I was afraid of the pain I would feel if I did. She ended up kicking him out and filing for divorce and he moved in with me. He lived with me for about a month-all the while trying to weasel his way back in with her, not because he loved her, but he had told me early on, no one would mess with his social status. I went through so much pain when he discarded me that I thought I would die, but that was 2009 and I look back on it and I’m so freakin relieved that it turned out the way it did. If I had done what he said that night and tried to cover it up, I could still be the OW, and be totally miserable in an existence that I didn’t deserve. I know my self esteem is low, but not low enough that I deserve a part time man who doesn’t treat me like the queen of his life. I am so much better off now. It’s almost like a dream to me now-like it never happened.
im s o glad you guys are here posting, i just started to read and had to post before i can even read your posts, im so heartbroken and hurt for everyone, but just knowing im not alone is so helpful, i have a pic i framed of my dad next to me and i turned it over im so angry at him and i know he didn’t do anything but be manipulated . I can’t talk to my son’s ( son oldest is in midst of leaving military ) younger in Banff alberta because im tired of them hearing this im tired so i can’t imagine how tired they are. Im on here because i have to vent and all my friends want me to distract and watch some tv but i have to know it isn’t me and you guys help me all the time, i know i haven’t been perfect and i’ve done my share of manipulating when i drank but i know im trying to be fair and im just obsessing over all this crap but it sure helps to hear others and as much as my friends are trying to help they don’t know what it is to come into contact with so many esp in families. Im close to my ex sis in law and neice and nephew and it’s terrible because i’m even looking at them like they are a contact to my brother and it’s not by their choice. Dam they are so toxic to make me want to hold them responsible, it’s terrible my thinking. thanks to you all for being here for me, meetings in AA can’t help me like you guys and gals can at least with this problem. love kh
Nolarn, I can’t BELIEVE he could make up a story like that on the spur of the moment! And honestly, who would believe it? OMG! It must have been humiliating for him to ask you to lie to his WIFE for him!
You know, I recently had a guy writing me on the dating site (don’t worry, I NEVER actually date any guys from this site. I don’t even know why I’m on it). His profile stated he was married. Then in his description he said he was “honest to a fault.” So when he wrote to me, I asked him if his WIFE knew he was on a dating site. He said “absolutely not”. So I said, “Well you better change the part about how honest you are.” He came back with some crap about how it’s not dishonest because they don’t talk to each other, blah blah blah. I just said, “Good luck with your adultery.” I HATE married men who cheat.