Dumb Sociopaths

Hi everyone! I’m new here, but have been reading for a long time. I am posting now because I am wondering if my ex is a sociopath? I am so sure he is, but for some reason my mind keeps playing tricks with me and convincing me it is my fault.

So we met online last year, and he came on very strong. He asked me a million questions about myself, friended me on Facebook, looked at all of my pictures and all of my videos, and some of his questions weren’t very nice (like “Are you a whore?”). But the more we spoke, the more we started to click. We had so much in common, and he was so funny and flattering.

When we met, he gave me gifts (nothing expensive) and after 2 dates, called me his soul mate and told me that our horoscopes (which I don’t read) made us a 4/4 perfect match. He’d talk about marriage and how I was the best thing to ever happen to him after so much pain and heartbreak with evil exes. He texted me nonstop all day, every day. I became addicted to it, because it felt so good to always be called beautiful and gorgeous.

He told me he loved me pretty quickly too, and I of course said it back. The next day, he took my virginity and told me it “was the most meaningful sex” he’d ever had. This was what got to me. There was so much “tell” and so little “show” with him. He had such a way with words (especially online), but it was almost too much. There was always a description or elaborate reason for everything, and never just living in the moment and showing me that it was meaningful. Because he didn’t. The next morning, he left me at 8AM to go play with his friends all day. No cuddling or anything.

Some other things that concerned me– he told me had never cried in his life. And he never did, about anything, with me. He also loved to watch extremely sad/depressing stories documenting the tragedy and pain in other peoples’ lives (like eating disorders and OCD). He was always bored and needed constant attention. And he would constantly comment on how pale I was, or other flaws in my body. Finally, he wasn’t nice to his friends. He was bratty and needy, and used them for their money and resources. They were all very weak people (I’m not saying that to be mean, they just were), and they would say things to me like “Everyone is replaceable.”

Then I left the country for a teaching abroad experience and things started to fall apart. He still wanted to talk every single day, and I found myself more and more unhappy. He would lie when it wasn’t even necessary. He would say he was going to bed and then be online 2 hours later. At first, I just ignored it, not wanting to start drama. But then it got frustrating and confusing, so I’d bring it up and he’d always have a big perfect excuse for it.

A few weeks later, he started publicly flirting with his ex all over Facebook, especially if he saw that I was going out or meeting new friends. This is his ex who he told me was horrible and mean and still wanted to have sex with him. And now they’re flirting online for the world to see. I expressed my concern, and he again had more elaborate excuses. But I started to notice that every day, they changed more and more. Whenever I pointed this out, he would start to get mad at me and tell me to stop over-analyzing everything.

I got so depressed because I couldn’t figure out where the man I fell in love with had gone. I would start to accept all of the blame— when he was a hypocrite, I would call myself a hypocrite. When he was a jerk, I would call myself a jerk. I would apologize all the time for nothing, and he would just sit back and tell me he was getting sick of me.

I was so upset that I saw a doctor who prescribed me with anti-anxiety meds, which I thought might help me because maybe my emotions were ruining our relationship, and if I could just be more like him (without emotions) then maybe everything would be okay. The next night, he just ignored me completely. He gave me the silent treatment for no apparent reason for a few days until finally I gave in and asked him what was going on. He freaked out at me and told me his life was extremely busy and that I was annoying and that communicating with me had become a chore. I couldn’t believe it. After devoting every single day to keeping up with his obsessive communication, suddenly I was being annoying?

But of course, I didn’t see that then. I just blamed myself and begged for him to talk to me on the phone. He finally agreed to answer, and when he did, he just listened to me cry and plead, without responding with one word. At the very end, he said, “I will give you another chance.” I asked him if I flew home would things get better. He said yes, so I bought a ticket and finally came home. By this point, I was miserable– drinking too much, anxiety pills ruining me, and barely even able to remember the flight home.

I got home, he didn’t even come to the airport. So I drove out to go visit him. I gave him a gift I got him, he looked at it and laughed. He started mocking me and the way I looked (after a 22 hour flight with jetlag). The next day he text message dumped me and blamed it on me, saying I had changed and didn’t even feel like a boyfriend anymore. He updates his Facebook to say “I’m walking on sunshine :)”

Three days later, Facebook tells me he’s in another relationship.

I’d never been so hurt in my life. I still blamed myself for so long, where any 3rd party observer would tell me he’s a complete psycho. He messaged me a few months later with nothing to say except “Hey, clearly things went a certain way with us, which is fine if that’s what you want, but I need those DVD’s back.” That’s what kills me. He twists it– “if that’s what you want”. Of course I didn’t want this. He cheated on me, lied to me, and broke my heart. And somehow the blame is shifted to me? It is MY fault that we’re not the best of friends?

But I still always say in my head, “what if he actually does love me, and that’s why he’s so mean, because he wants me back?” He ended up calling me a sleuth of insults, like bitter and annoying.

I felt sorry in the end and ended up buying him a brand new set of DVDs and mailing them to him with a “Merry Christmas!” note. I figured forgiveness and positivity were better than the hatred I felt before. He never even responded.

Here’s the kicker– while we were dating, he had this skin disease that made his whole body covered in bumps. I asked him several times if it was contagious, and he always told me no. I ended up catching it. I got an amazing dermatologist who figured out what it was immediately and got me treated and fixed 🙂

Now, knowing my ex is OBSESSED with trying to get his skin cleared (because it makes his body look diseased), I thought I’d finally send a message. I told him I knew what it was, and that if he wanted to know he could ask. He responds IMMEDIATELY and says “I’d love to know what it is.” I didn’t respond. 30 minutes later, he says “Sorry, that wasn’t meant to be sarcastic or mean :P”

I waited a long time again, before finally responding and saying “No, your fakeass little smilies don’t work on me anymore. First, you’re going to learn some fucking manners.” I made a list of things to apologize for — the physical insults, the emotional abuse, the lies, the cheating, and the hypocrisy after the breakup. I said if he was sarcastic or making up excuses in ANY of the responses, he could itch away for eternity. No excuses- ZERO. Only apologies.

And he actually did. I know how bad he wanted to know about the skin thing. But then he pulled his usual stunt– lying when he didn’t need to. He said “My skin’s actually all cleared up, so I promise I’m not saying all of this just to get something out of you. But if you’re still willing to tell me what it is, that’d be great, just out of curiosity :)”

So I decided to test him. In my response, I started with “Glad to hear your skin’s all cleared up.” Then, without mentioning it again, I continued with a much longer message telling me how much he had hurt me and wishing that he had just shown some remorse or guilt for what he did.

He responded with a MUCH shorter message this time (getting bored with pretending to show feelings, I presume). It was just such bullshit. “I don’t know what to say. I’m the worst person in the world. Nothing I say or do for anything will ever be good enough. I know there’s nothing I can do to make things better now, but I hope some day you will forgive me. By the way, would you be willing to tell me the name of the disease?”

I was so close to being sucked in and buying his crap again. But that last sentence made me realize he was only using me. He only spoke to me when he needed something– DVDs, skin disease name, etc…

So I decided one last test. I said “You’re so full of shit…. Have a Merry Christmas though.” Because anyone who genuinely felt remorse and like the worst person in the world would understand my anger and hurt, right? Not him.

He finally snaps. He responds: “Hahaha you’re right, I made it all up. You’re crazy, and bipolar, I’m pretty sure.” and then blocked me.

As soon as he said that, I started to wonder if maybe all of those things were true. Maybe I’m crazy, and he’s the normal guy. This is what my mind does to me. Someone who I love suggests something horrible about me, and I decide it must be true.

But I know I’m not crazy. I lived such a happy, stable, successful life before him. But after him, I was suicidal. I have gotten so much better again, almost 100%! I’m back to school, getting straight A’s, working, making lot’s of money, and made a whole new set of friends 🙂 I’m so proud of myself, and I did it all without any pills! Just a lot of mental training!

But here’s my problem. Now that I am 100% better, and myself again, I always keep asking myself: “Am I good enough for him now? Maybe if I was like this during our relationship, things would have worked out?”

Is this normal? To question myself, after getting better? Is it normal to blame myself for things, wanting him to be a good person? I go through phases where I almost want to send him a letter apologizing (for what, exactly, I’m not sure) and making peace. But then I’ll snap out of it and say WHAT WERE YOU THINKING??

Is this normal?? Also, to wonder if I only label him as a sociopath to protect my own hurt feelings, and if actually he’s just a normal guy and I wasn’t good enough? Finally, is it normal to keep having recurring nightmares and anxiety every time I think about that final night on the phone where I was just begging and crying and pleading, and he just remained in complete silence? All the while, he knew he was cheating on me, but instead punished me. It makes me feel so pathetic and gross. Will these thoughts ever go away?

Thanks everyone 🙂