By AlohaTraveler
I work at a children’s shelter. One day last summer, we were playing dodge ball with the children and it made me think about the Bad Man. When we play dodge ball, we divide the teams children against counselors. To play the game, we divide the basketball court in half with the mid line being the divide between territories and we use six balls. When the referee blows the whistle to start the game, balls begin flying in every direction, someone is “OUT!” and the heated arguments ensue (from the children of course, we adults keep our heads) about the rules and who threw what? Was their foot over the line? Was it before or after “TIME OUT” was called? Which player was “out” first? In other words, it is complete and total chaos. I hate when they defer to me and ask what I saw. Ummm … I saw people running all over the place and balls bouncing and then someone shouted “TIME OUT!” Whom that was, I don’t know. Which team was it that was tagged first? What color was the ball that made the first impact? Sheesh! This is hard. I am a terrible referee! I can’t process all this information at once. EXACTLY.
Mental Gymnastics otherwise known as “Being Kept Off Balance” or “Crazy Making”
This is how it was with the Bad Man. Complete and total chaos. “Balls” coming at me from every direction and constantly being told I crossed the line somewhere. Just like with children, the rules and the lines were changing all the time. Breaking the “rules” was totally unavoidable. I couldn’t keep anything straight. He claimed I yelled at him. Did I? I don’t remember that. He claimed I was “out of line” and “out of control.” Was I? I wasn’t sure. I admit I was upset. I admit I was hurt. I became confused in the midst of the chaos. There was so much coming at me!
At first, I reacted to everything. However, it didn’t take long before I stopped reacting because I didn’t know what to react to. I often woke up to tirades over email and the sheer volume of accusations were just completely mind boggling. Sometimes, I tried to understand where he was coming from. Other times, I attempted to apologize but for what, I was not sure. Apologies never worked anyway. Bad Man would say, “You didn’t even apologize for the RIGHT thing.” Or “You missed something in your apology.” If I asked, “What did I miss?” he would tell me, “I am NOT going there with you.” Okay.
After one or two episodes in which I dared to be angered by his outrageous attacks and accusations, I changed my tactic because being angry and arguing my side made things worse. I began to be very careful. I had a sense that he was taking apart my reality but at the time, I didn’t really have words for that. Instinctively, I started stepping ever so carefully. It was not because I thought I could avoid the attacks coming out of him. I gave that idea up quickly. I became careful and measured with my words and my tone because I wanted to be sure of whom I was being in the moment. If I was mad or outraged, then I would be unsure of what I said and how I said it. So, I became a ZEN master of sorts. I stayed in the moment. I was careful not to lose my head in anger or frustration. That way, I could be sure, at least for myself, that I had not been out of control. Not that this made any difference.
A big part of emotional/psychological abuse is something called “keeping the victim off balance.” The abuser is always changing his demands, his rules, his desires. You will know you are being abused in this way when you are trying with all your might to make your partner happy, nothing you do is good enough and “everything is your fault.” You will know you are being abused when you are in constant defense of your character. You will know you are being abused when you ask yourself, “If he hates everything about me, then why does he stay?”
Reality Show
When I was with the Bad Man, I started to wish that everything that was happening between us was being recorded. That way, I could go back to the tapes when he started rewriting history to suit himself. I often asked myself, “How could he possibly say that is what happened?” If this sounds familiar, it’s a sure sign that you were deep in the throes of “Crazy Making.” As you start to doubt yourself, you begin to feel as if you are losing your mind. An Abuser’s version of what happened will be fixed like super glue with no room to budge an inch. Not one. This nearly drove me mad! The Bad Man was always imagining himself as the victim of me! And no amount of talking could convince him that he had any part in breakdown-of-the-day. ARGH!
I believe that anytime you notice these kinds of dynamics with anyone, a boss, your mother, a lover, it means something is wrong with them, not you. This is just my unscientific opinion. We all have room to grow but when suddenly, everything in the world is wrong with you, well, that doesn’t seem fair does it? Also, it’s fairly unlikely assuming you are a full grown adult with a life that was functioning before this person came into your life.
No Coping Strategies Will Work
Fairly early on in the relationship, I began to try to modify my behavior in order to please the Bad Man. I became very measured in my words and watched my tone of voice. I focused all my attention on being a pleasing machine. I tried to meet his outrageous demands and… (if you are easily offended, please don’t read the next phrase) had sex like a circus monkey. Even that didn’t work. Nothing worked! Nothing stopped him from getting mad at me. Nothing stopped him from living in his warped reality where I was evil and he was the victim of me and my “horrid” ways. It was so tiring.
I left the Bad Man and his chaos in search of my own peace and an answer. I found the answers I needed here at LoveFraud. Really. I am not trying to get points here. I needed this explanation and thank God I found it. I still don’t know all of the Bad Man’s secrets but I know the biggest one. Bad Man definitely has a personality disorder, or two. Since I am not a clinician, I am unsure if he qualifies as a sociopath. I am SURE he qualifies as a borderline and a narcissist. Not too long ago, I believed that but still felt a little uncomfortable stating it because I wondered if saying he was an abuser made me the “drama queen” that he said I was. Now I know that calling me “drama queen” was a way to discredit me to others and to make me doubt myself and my own perceptions. That’s just one of the things I know today. I also know something else. “Drama” and chaos seem to follow the Bad Man wherever he goes. To this day, anytime I hear a man say he is looking for a woman with “no drama” it makes me wonder… about the man.
Yep.. sounds very familiar Aloha…. in fact, this tactic of placing me off balance was the first hurt, and then it snowballed from there. Claims that I said cerian things or acted in a certain manner, or even that I had certian “hidden” agendas in store for her that she “knew all along of”….
I would constantly re-evaluate what was said, or done to see her point, but after a while, it all became dizzying….then of course there would be the “now you see it, now you don’t” kind of love that would again, keep me off balance….
This whole scam is in fact, is a smoke screen, designed to make us question ourselves, our motives, while they sit back in amusement….projection that really borders on and is gaslighting….
Many times she claimed I said something when I didn’t and it would just drive me crazy, because even though I knew I didn’t say the things she claimed, I would start to believe that maybe I did…Then of course when she would say or accuse something outlandish, and later when I would re-count it to her, she had no idea what I was talking about and I would be dismissed.
There was no solid ground of reality, other then the reality that was being made up by her… and yes, the rules of the relationship changed everyday… I could never keep up with it, and at one point, I just gave up trying to… it was like I was just along for the ride on a a amusemnet park ride that had gone horribly wrong and Iwas at the mercy of the operator which was …her.
By the time the ride was over, I was a wreck emotionally and physically with my head spinning……..As I look back at all of that, I really can’t believe just how senseless it all was….. A lot of this crazy making and the projection, the gaslighting, and malnipulation is hard for other to “get” and understand… most understand rejection, but when you try to tell someone who has no clue about sociopathy about the insanity of it all, they look at you with a blank stare….
Good post Aloha…. miss you over at the “space”
~R~
http://www.myspace.com/southernamn429
Aloha-dodge ball…good analogy.
southernman429…looked at your space a few months ago from a link you provided…I don’t “have an account” to see all details, no profile for me, but enjoyed your “space.”
So, I sit here this morning, drinking my coffee…no chaos, no “incoming”…aah, peace at last.
Oh, Myspace…I’ve looked at it…funny stuff.
Extrapolating from what little I’ve seen….woman’s site: “I’m looking for that one man to prove to me that all men aren’t the same”…two boxes later ….”I’m a b*tch and proud of it!”.
There are millions of women looking for that “one guy”!
Well, if I was him, and I’m not, I’d sure be hiding!
Hey Jim..
Yep.. seen those too… my “space” is a ministry, so I’m not there to pick anyone up for a date, but those women you spaak of are snakes in tall grass, and perhaps in grass that isn’t so tall…ha.
southerman429….sorry, I just can’t help it…”Well I threw that cheater out and I’m a single mom and my kids are my life and I’m looking for a man/Harley and see my profile pic of me sprawled out on my bed showing a little too much and I just want to travel and go out and have fun….”
So, how do you get to Paris to take her and three kids to the zoo on a Harley? Two sidecars and a trailer?
Looks like chaos to me….
Boy does that sound familiar. When I finally left the ministry with the S, I was totally worn out from the exhausting chaos he generated. In every instance he was so sure it was me, the patrons, the neighborhood, the congregation, his family, his friends, the police, the gangs, the addicts and dealers, yadda, yadda, ya!
Constant tantrums, complaints, pettifoggery, nasty gossip, rule shifting, goal shifting, busywork generating, blame shifting, conflict generating, excitement seeking, CHAOS.
I was so exhausted. I felt shell shocked most of the time. I realized I’d say anything to shut him up and get him out of the room for a few minutes, or even a blessed hour.
He had a long history of violent conflict, occasional incarceration and domestic disturbances. I’m confident
that after I left the ministry he started his crazy-making with another woman in the ministry. The two of them had been having an affair in the last few months I was there. Since all his affairs ended with devalue discard, I knew she was in for a rough road. Since she’d totally bought into his version of reality while I was there, I knew there could be no warning her. Sweet girl, but arrogant. She’d have to take her licks.
Any way –
1. He generated constant chaos. I couldn’t live with it.
2. He always had. He always would. I could not alter that.
aloha,
Life WAS like a recorded reality show with the S. Unfortunately, the PTSD we experience is like flashbacks and re-runs going through our heads even to this day. Your point is PERFECT and I never really thought about how much “off balance” things were. My question is: DO THEY DO THIS DELIBERATELY WITH PREMEDITATION OR IS IT JUST PART OF THE DISORDER THAT MAKES THE BEHAVIOR THIS WAY?
In fact, I recalled this morning how he would scold me about how inappropriate my behavior was because I met a friend, (who happened to be a man) for coffee one day. How inappropriate it was for me to speak to a family friend (who also happened to be a man, who lives 350 mls away who I had known for over 10 years) How inappropriate it is to dance with men when you are married or in a relationship, because men only dance with women for one reason. (And by the way he asked his daughters and they agreed with him so why would I not agree?) How he walked off of a dance floor as we were dancing, accusing me of watching all the other men in the club. How his phone would ring and it was a restricted call….. suddenly his life was in danger because the gov’t was after him. How it was inappropriate for me to have phone numbers of business contacts in my TREO, regardless of the fact that they were business contacts, clients, and vendors. BUT it WAS appropriate for him to crawl into bed with an x stripper biker chick, who was 18 yrs younger, 2 days after he d&d’s me again. I suspect he was doing this all along and had throughout his marriage.
ANd on and on and on…………
The first sign of his BAD behavior was five months into the relationship when he d&d’s me for the first time (for an entire weekend), came back, begged forgiveness, then came to pick me up and totally ignored me, wouldn’t come to the door, wwouldn’t open my door and wouldn’t look at me or speak to me. THAT was the first sign of so much more to come. WHY did I not let go then? I would never stand for that drama or bad treatmet or ABUSE today. Because it IS abuse.
Keeping Faith,
“DO THEY DO THIS DELIBERATELY WITH PREMEDITATION OR IS IT JUST PART OF THE DISORDER THAT MAKES THE BEHAVIOR THIS WAY?”
I think it’s a combination of the two. I think they are aware of much of their own bad behavior, but it is part of the disorder and they neither want nor know how to change.
Crazy as it sounds, I don’t think an S/N can see what the pattern of their behavior costs them. They seem to be very much “in the moment”, or close to it.
I’ve seen an odd look of triumph cross the S’s face when he thinks he’s successfully gaslighted me. (I rarely yelled “Liar, liar, pants on fire. I knew we were in conflict, so him not knowing I knew he was lying was in my best interests.) He didn’t know I knew the facial expression or his gaslighting tactics, which were actually somewhat thin. The dumber he believed I was, the more careless he became. It was somewhat helpful to me for him to be overconfident.
Any way, he really got off on each little triumph, but I have no reason to believe he planned out the entire drama from beginning to end.
I don’t think your garden variety S/N is capable of forming a long term strategy. I think that requires a relatively intelligent P.
Many Ns and Ss are simply really screwed up and totally caught up in the moment. They’re pathetic, and not as deliberate as an intelligent P or malignant narcissist.
It’s disgusting….. and then he would go and seek support from his totally dysfunctional adult daughter who simply kissed his ass because 1. she depends on him financially, 2. (I believe) this dysfunctional life and behavior has left her embarrassed and afraid of the truth. 3. she too is emotionally damaged and can’t see the forest for the trees 4. no boundaries had ever been set in terms of his kids and she thinks she has the right to advise him on all aspects of his personal life…….
He tried to call a friend of mine once, after he stood me up and left me at home and went on a trip we planned together (taking his daughter). he called her to tell her to get me help because I am insane and she told him not to ever call her again to talk badly about me. THANK GOD FOR SUPPORTIVE FRIENDS.
It was out of control…..the drama of it all. ANd it got bigger and bigger and worse each time.
Chaos…random….no logic
“My question is: DO THEY DO THIS DELIBERATELY WITH PREMEDITATION OR IS IT JUST PART OF THE DISORDER THAT MAKES THE BEHAVIOR THIS WAY?” -keeping_faith
Answer: YES
One of my favorite funny recurring situations with my 13-year old…when she isn’t really listening to me:
Me: Should we do this or do that?
Her: yeah
Me: No, you don’t understand…that was an “either/or” question. You have to make a choice…you can’t answer “yes”
Only in the chaotic realm of “them” can you pose an either/or question and discover YES is the answer that’s logical…..
Elizabeth Conley…pettifoggery?…I had to look it up. Thanks…now I have a new name for my x-tox’s divorce shyster. LOL (I’ll tell the story sometime…local justice…)
PETTIFOGGER
The look of triumph when the S thought he’d gotten over was more like smug satisfaction. Amusingly enough, he always ended the conversation at that point. In a way, that was a dead giveaway too. He was so selfish that all conversations with others served his goals. He’d ask a few questions to gage whether I’d bought into his latest smokescreen. If I answered to his satisfaction, he had what he wanted. He’d flush with pleasure and smile. No need to continue the conversation, at least not from his point of view.
It was handy to know this pattern. I share it because someone else may see the pattern and be able to use it as a “lie detector”. It was pretty reliable in his case.