By AlohaTraveler
I work at a children’s shelter. One day last summer, we were playing dodge ball with the children and it made me think about the Bad Man. When we play dodge ball, we divide the teams children against counselors. To play the game, we divide the basketball court in half with the mid line being the divide between territories and we use six balls. When the referee blows the whistle to start the game, balls begin flying in every direction, someone is “OUT!” and the heated arguments ensue (from the children of course, we adults keep our heads) about the rules and who threw what? Was their foot over the line? Was it before or after “TIME OUT” was called? Which player was “out” first? In other words, it is complete and total chaos. I hate when they defer to me and ask what I saw. Ummm … I saw people running all over the place and balls bouncing and then someone shouted “TIME OUT!” Whom that was, I don’t know. Which team was it that was tagged first? What color was the ball that made the first impact? Sheesh! This is hard. I am a terrible referee! I can’t process all this information at once. EXACTLY.
Mental Gymnastics otherwise known as “Being Kept Off Balance” or “Crazy Making”
This is how it was with the Bad Man. Complete and total chaos. “Balls” coming at me from every direction and constantly being told I crossed the line somewhere. Just like with children, the rules and the lines were changing all the time. Breaking the “rules” was totally unavoidable. I couldn’t keep anything straight. He claimed I yelled at him. Did I? I don’t remember that. He claimed I was “out of line” and “out of control.” Was I? I wasn’t sure. I admit I was upset. I admit I was hurt. I became confused in the midst of the chaos. There was so much coming at me!
At first, I reacted to everything. However, it didn’t take long before I stopped reacting because I didn’t know what to react to. I often woke up to tirades over email and the sheer volume of accusations were just completely mind boggling. Sometimes, I tried to understand where he was coming from. Other times, I attempted to apologize but for what, I was not sure. Apologies never worked anyway. Bad Man would say, “You didn’t even apologize for the RIGHT thing.” Or “You missed something in your apology.” If I asked, “What did I miss?” he would tell me, “I am NOT going there with you.” Okay.
After one or two episodes in which I dared to be angered by his outrageous attacks and accusations, I changed my tactic because being angry and arguing my side made things worse. I began to be very careful. I had a sense that he was taking apart my reality but at the time, I didn’t really have words for that. Instinctively, I started stepping ever so carefully. It was not because I thought I could avoid the attacks coming out of him. I gave that idea up quickly. I became careful and measured with my words and my tone because I wanted to be sure of whom I was being in the moment. If I was mad or outraged, then I would be unsure of what I said and how I said it. So, I became a ZEN master of sorts. I stayed in the moment. I was careful not to lose my head in anger or frustration. That way, I could be sure, at least for myself, that I had not been out of control. Not that this made any difference.
A big part of emotional/psychological abuse is something called “keeping the victim off balance.” The abuser is always changing his demands, his rules, his desires. You will know you are being abused in this way when you are trying with all your might to make your partner happy, nothing you do is good enough and “everything is your fault.” You will know you are being abused when you are in constant defense of your character. You will know you are being abused when you ask yourself, “If he hates everything about me, then why does he stay?”
Reality Show
When I was with the Bad Man, I started to wish that everything that was happening between us was being recorded. That way, I could go back to the tapes when he started rewriting history to suit himself. I often asked myself, “How could he possibly say that is what happened?” If this sounds familiar, it’s a sure sign that you were deep in the throes of “Crazy Making.” As you start to doubt yourself, you begin to feel as if you are losing your mind. An Abuser’s version of what happened will be fixed like super glue with no room to budge an inch. Not one. This nearly drove me mad! The Bad Man was always imagining himself as the victim of me! And no amount of talking could convince him that he had any part in breakdown-of-the-day. ARGH!
I believe that anytime you notice these kinds of dynamics with anyone, a boss, your mother, a lover, it means something is wrong with them, not you. This is just my unscientific opinion. We all have room to grow but when suddenly, everything in the world is wrong with you, well, that doesn’t seem fair does it? Also, it’s fairly unlikely assuming you are a full grown adult with a life that was functioning before this person came into your life.
No Coping Strategies Will Work
Fairly early on in the relationship, I began to try to modify my behavior in order to please the Bad Man. I became very measured in my words and watched my tone of voice. I focused all my attention on being a pleasing machine. I tried to meet his outrageous demands and… (if you are easily offended, please don’t read the next phrase) had sex like a circus monkey. Even that didn’t work. Nothing worked! Nothing stopped him from getting mad at me. Nothing stopped him from living in his warped reality where I was evil and he was the victim of me and my “horrid” ways. It was so tiring.
I left the Bad Man and his chaos in search of my own peace and an answer. I found the answers I needed here at LoveFraud. Really. I am not trying to get points here. I needed this explanation and thank God I found it. I still don’t know all of the Bad Man’s secrets but I know the biggest one. Bad Man definitely has a personality disorder, or two. Since I am not a clinician, I am unsure if he qualifies as a sociopath. I am SURE he qualifies as a borderline and a narcissist. Not too long ago, I believed that but still felt a little uncomfortable stating it because I wondered if saying he was an abuser made me the “drama queen” that he said I was. Now I know that calling me “drama queen” was a way to discredit me to others and to make me doubt myself and my own perceptions. That’s just one of the things I know today. I also know something else. “Drama” and chaos seem to follow the Bad Man wherever he goes. To this day, anytime I hear a man say he is looking for a woman with “no drama” it makes me wonder… about the man.
Matt and shabbychic2-
Thanks, I think you are the first people who really get what happened to me. Now- how do I un-fall in love with him? The hold he has on me is hard to break. It’s still so unbelievable to me that this person who I thought was my best friend- my friend forever- could betray me like that. Sometimes I imagine he will call and say “I was just kidding, I didn’t mean any of it, that other woman means nothing- you are the one I want.” It’s like he morphed from the wonderful, neat person I thought I knew into a monster.
(Oh, and I miss my daughter too- she’s coming home for the weekend tomorrow- I’m looking forward to that)
Dear blindsided31,
There is a good chance the wife didn’t know. My “husband” managed to have at least six other victims (probably many more) who were deeply in love with him and thought they were in exclusive relationships with him. He had a baby with one them – conceived shortly after our first wedding anniversary. (Of course, he managed to hide that as she fled the country when she was seven months pregnant.) Oh and let’s not forget the prostitutes in not one, not two, but three different countries. He is a founder and majority stock holder of his company (despite soaking me for financial support and a green card). So I believed him when he said he was working and/or travelling for the business.
Regarding the shock you and shabbychic2 expressed over such coldly dismissive comments as “I think I’ve given you the wrong impression” or “I’m not in love with you, I never said that” — Do you know what he said to the victim who was seven months pregnant with his child and thought he was hers alone when she asked him if they had a future together – “I never said this was long term.”
Monsters really do exist. I still mourn the loss of the friend who committed suicide because of the monster he married. He left behind a small handicapped child.
Anyway, I’d better stop. The fraud, extortion and suicide were only three of nine catastrophic events during a 25 month period. I’m summarizing. Things were actually much worse than they sound.
On a brighter note, at least you got multiple responses on LF. So you are doing better than me. 🙂
blindsided31: How do I un-fall in love with him? Well, I don’t really know, but I’ll tell you what happened to me… In Jan ’07 the N I had been with for 14 years told me he was moving out (it’s a long story)… anyway, I cried and cried for 4 months straight, then this guy that had lived in my neighborhood and had been flirting on and off with me for 7 years came by (turns out he’s the P I’ve been involved with) and he says “where’s your boyfriend” blah, blah, blah. He asked if he could come buy sometime… well the thoughts of my N just left my head and I was instantly obsessed with the new guy… but for the FIRST TIME in my life–I noticed the shift in my head and I realized that the only thing that had changed were my thoughts.
That lead me to a book by Eckhart Tolle, maybe you have heard of it, A New Awakening, and I read that and watched the webcast specials on Oprah.com (9 of them) and for the first time in my life I realized that there are 2 people in here… ME, the real me, and that ME that can observe my ego who is the one that makes all the mindless chatter in my head. My sister used to tell me that “thoughts are just thoughts” and I wondered what the hell that meant. So when I would say to myself “I hate myself”… who is the I and who is the self?
This, and God, is helping me to give up on the P, something I probably never would have done before. I had to realize that I am enough and that I love myself.
Now I must say, to be true to myself, that the Eckhart Tolle book is a little bit at odds with my Christian beliefs, but I can still use 90% of the information.
It is a daily struggle, I have good days and bad, just like everybody else here, but I feel like I had a little awakening, that I am a spirit and it is that spirit that is strong. I don’t know if this makes any sense, I feel like I am blabbing on and on like an idiot!!!
Leah: He had a baby… conceived shortly after your first wedding anniversary with this other woman? … and he told her “I never said this was long term” ?????? OMG! How did you deal with your feelings with him? The pain these people cause is unbelievable. I am interested in how you got through this as I am struggling with intense feelings right now.
Leah: I think you are right, I read the posts for a long time before I wrote anything myself, and I think the writing is helping me. Sometimes I just come on here and rant away! Sometimes I still just read and don’t post anything. Tonight I felt like if you guys were not here I would have nothing to do and no one to talk to!
shabbychic2,
There is so much I want to say. But I’m still trying to be at least reasonably cautious. I can say, however, that I was fortunate to have the support of my family and my close friends. There were others who turned on me because they simply could not believe that someone as “charming, kind and generous” as my ex-“husband” could do anything wrong.
I had a friend (at the time a casual friend) who told me her story when I opened up. Hers could have been a movie of the week – absolutely terrifying. Anyway, she was long passed it by the time I met her and was very much a Good Samaritan – letting me rant on the phone every day for a month and even providing shelter. Interestingly both she and a friend of mine who lived through the Khmer Rouge (who wiped out a quarter of the population of Cambodia), say they would not trade their ordeals because it made them stronger people. I’m not quite there yet…But that attitude is something I hope to some to share.
Leah: Thank God you had a friend to talk to! I would rant for months about the N to my sister, but she knows little about the P I have been involved with, she would not understand.
That attitude is something I also hope to share someday. I have been through my own little ordeals, but never stopped to look at myself very much, just hated myself. If someone who lived through the Khmer Rouge can come out the other side stronger… I guess I can get through this.
Isn’t it amazing how they fool so many people into thinking they are such nice guys? I can understand your feelings about wanting to be cautious, I feel that way too.
Dear Leah,
First, I am glad you are here and posting.
And to Chic,
A book by Dr. Viktor Frankl, who wrote it after 4 years in a Nazi concentration camp, called “Man’s Search for Meaning” on his emotional journey of the suffering he experienced is the BEST book I have ever read in how people can come through the THE MOST HORRIBLE THINGS and be better people for all the losses and pain they suffered.
You can order Dr. Frankl’s book used on Amazon for 3 or 4$ and it will be the best investment you can make in finding MEANING, and finding peace, from these horrific experiences we have all had.
One thing Dr. Frankl explains is that no one’s pain is worse than anothers, and that pain acts like a “gas” in that it fills us entirely and completely. Even a little gas will expand to entirely fill the container and pain is the same way. There IS meaning in all of this, and we can be better and stronger. Hang on!
Glad you are here Leah, and glad you are still here Chic! ((((hugs))))) and always prayers for you and everyone here at LF.
Oxy: I had that book around here somewhere, I took it from my mom’s house. I think I started reading it once. I’ll have to go look for it. And thanks fo the hug!
You’re welcome, Any time, Chic. I think you will SEE yourself and all of us in that book. It was an eye opener to me to see someone who got MEANING out of the horrible experience there. I have also read the books by the father of a friend of mine who was in a Japanese prison camp in Java for 3 or 4 years and he also got meaning out of the experience.
We also have been through some hot fires of emotion and trauma, but we can use that to help ourselves become stronger.
The Bible says that “tribulation” helps give us patience, and just like working out builds muscles, emotionally working out builds emotional strength!