By AlohaTraveler
I work at a children’s shelter. One day last summer, we were playing dodge ball with the children and it made me think about the Bad Man. When we play dodge ball, we divide the teams children against counselors. To play the game, we divide the basketball court in half with the mid line being the divide between territories and we use six balls. When the referee blows the whistle to start the game, balls begin flying in every direction, someone is “OUT!” and the heated arguments ensue (from the children of course, we adults keep our heads) about the rules and who threw what? Was their foot over the line? Was it before or after “TIME OUT” was called? Which player was “out” first? In other words, it is complete and total chaos. I hate when they defer to me and ask what I saw. Ummm … I saw people running all over the place and balls bouncing and then someone shouted “TIME OUT!” Whom that was, I don’t know. Which team was it that was tagged first? What color was the ball that made the first impact? Sheesh! This is hard. I am a terrible referee! I can’t process all this information at once. EXACTLY.
Mental Gymnastics otherwise known as “Being Kept Off Balance” or “Crazy Making”
This is how it was with the Bad Man. Complete and total chaos. “Balls” coming at me from every direction and constantly being told I crossed the line somewhere. Just like with children, the rules and the lines were changing all the time. Breaking the “rules” was totally unavoidable. I couldn’t keep anything straight. He claimed I yelled at him. Did I? I don’t remember that. He claimed I was “out of line” and “out of control.” Was I? I wasn’t sure. I admit I was upset. I admit I was hurt. I became confused in the midst of the chaos. There was so much coming at me!
At first, I reacted to everything. However, it didn’t take long before I stopped reacting because I didn’t know what to react to. I often woke up to tirades over email and the sheer volume of accusations were just completely mind boggling. Sometimes, I tried to understand where he was coming from. Other times, I attempted to apologize but for what, I was not sure. Apologies never worked anyway. Bad Man would say, “You didn’t even apologize for the RIGHT thing.” Or “You missed something in your apology.” If I asked, “What did I miss?” he would tell me, “I am NOT going there with you.” Okay.
After one or two episodes in which I dared to be angered by his outrageous attacks and accusations, I changed my tactic because being angry and arguing my side made things worse. I began to be very careful. I had a sense that he was taking apart my reality but at the time, I didn’t really have words for that. Instinctively, I started stepping ever so carefully. It was not because I thought I could avoid the attacks coming out of him. I gave that idea up quickly. I became careful and measured with my words and my tone because I wanted to be sure of whom I was being in the moment. If I was mad or outraged, then I would be unsure of what I said and how I said it. So, I became a ZEN master of sorts. I stayed in the moment. I was careful not to lose my head in anger or frustration. That way, I could be sure, at least for myself, that I had not been out of control. Not that this made any difference.
A big part of emotional/psychological abuse is something called “keeping the victim off balance.” The abuser is always changing his demands, his rules, his desires. You will know you are being abused in this way when you are trying with all your might to make your partner happy, nothing you do is good enough and “everything is your fault.” You will know you are being abused when you are in constant defense of your character. You will know you are being abused when you ask yourself, “If he hates everything about me, then why does he stay?”
Reality Show
When I was with the Bad Man, I started to wish that everything that was happening between us was being recorded. That way, I could go back to the tapes when he started rewriting history to suit himself. I often asked myself, “How could he possibly say that is what happened?” If this sounds familiar, it’s a sure sign that you were deep in the throes of “Crazy Making.” As you start to doubt yourself, you begin to feel as if you are losing your mind. An Abuser’s version of what happened will be fixed like super glue with no room to budge an inch. Not one. This nearly drove me mad! The Bad Man was always imagining himself as the victim of me! And no amount of talking could convince him that he had any part in breakdown-of-the-day. ARGH!
I believe that anytime you notice these kinds of dynamics with anyone, a boss, your mother, a lover, it means something is wrong with them, not you. This is just my unscientific opinion. We all have room to grow but when suddenly, everything in the world is wrong with you, well, that doesn’t seem fair does it? Also, it’s fairly unlikely assuming you are a full grown adult with a life that was functioning before this person came into your life.
No Coping Strategies Will Work
Fairly early on in the relationship, I began to try to modify my behavior in order to please the Bad Man. I became very measured in my words and watched my tone of voice. I focused all my attention on being a pleasing machine. I tried to meet his outrageous demands and… (if you are easily offended, please don’t read the next phrase) had sex like a circus monkey. Even that didn’t work. Nothing worked! Nothing stopped him from getting mad at me. Nothing stopped him from living in his warped reality where I was evil and he was the victim of me and my “horrid” ways. It was so tiring.
I left the Bad Man and his chaos in search of my own peace and an answer. I found the answers I needed here at LoveFraud. Really. I am not trying to get points here. I needed this explanation and thank God I found it. I still don’t know all of the Bad Man’s secrets but I know the biggest one. Bad Man definitely has a personality disorder, or two. Since I am not a clinician, I am unsure if he qualifies as a sociopath. I am SURE he qualifies as a borderline and a narcissist. Not too long ago, I believed that but still felt a little uncomfortable stating it because I wondered if saying he was an abuser made me the “drama queen” that he said I was. Now I know that calling me “drama queen” was a way to discredit me to others and to make me doubt myself and my own perceptions. That’s just one of the things I know today. I also know something else. “Drama” and chaos seem to follow the Bad Man wherever he goes. To this day, anytime I hear a man say he is looking for a woman with “no drama” it makes me wonder… about the man.
Matt,
When I’m in the city we always venture both N and S of 23rd. There is a great shoe store that I visit in SOHO and we go uptown a lot too. She works uptown on Park.
I love the Cabot Cove comment. I’m not a violent person. I have had a couple of offers of help from some former military guys who are disgusted by the lies he tells about being a SEAL and being tortured when he spent all of four months in the Navy. I also have some bad ass biker cousins who offered to come her and watch my back when he was stalking me…… If only I were bold enough to take them up on the offer.
shabbychic2- You mention a victim committig suicide. One thing I did not mention is that I have come to suspect that C (his ex-girlfriend that he “loved” who died in a car “accident” in the summer of 2007) either did commit suicide when she had the car accident or was trying to get his attention by hurting herself. The accident happened on his wife’s birthday which was also the day he and his wife were leaving for a 10 day trip to Europe- coincidence? I doubt it. I often think of poor C and what devastation he must have done to her- I wish I could talk to her. Did he tell her he was leaving hid wife soon? Did he make her believe (like he did to me) that his wife is much sicker than she really is and she will die soon? Gotta get to work now.
Matt – I think the area I live in is a great place to live, but unfortunately it’s also a great place for S’s to live. It’s “small town” enough that they can cultivate a social group to feed off of, but at the same time, there are a lot of people coming and going constantly so the supply stays fresh. We even had a serial killer living a couple blocks away, who killed several young girls and threw their bodies in the river. I’m making it sound like a scary place, it really isn’t, but what appeals to me about the place also appeals to the crazies.
I like what you said about breaking down decisions by degrees, I think that’s very helpful. Sometimes we’re so overwhelmed by the big questions we don’t even know where to start. Little steps, little decisions, get us moving in the right direction. I always break things down like a computer program in my head, IF this, THEN this, ELSE this, LOOP and repeat, a flow chart of little steps to solve the problem. You’re right, any decision is better than none. We have to learn to accept that we might make the wrong decision, but it’s not really wrong because we did our best with the knowledge we had at the time.
Stiles & Shabbychic – I know how you feel about not knowing who you are, that’s where I was when I left the S. I didn’t know who I was before the S, my friends always complained that I changed to match each guy I dated. I was like Julia Roberts’ character in Runaway Bride, I didn’t even know how I liked my eggs cooked. I think you can apply Matt’s suggestion of breaking down decisions by degrees to figuring out who you are. Start small, questions like “what’s my favorite color?” Think about the things you like and don’t like, think about qualities you have, and you’ll start painting a picture of yourself in your head. You are a character in the story of your life, what motivates you? Eventually you can get to the more complicated questions, religion, politics, life goals. Once you know who you are it will become easier to draw boundaries. I now know where I stand on several issues that are important to me, so when someone tries to tell me I should believe something different I can say, “no, I’ve thought about this already and I know where I stand.” You can listen to other people’s point of views without making them your own.
Blindsided and Leah – Hi.
Oh, adding to the conversation above about what kind of animal the S is, I prefer to think of them as slugs. I like jackasses, snakes, and rats, spiders creep me out but even they are helpful; however, I can’t think of any redeeming qualities that slugs have. They leave nasty slime trails and eat my garden. Slugs are attracted to beer too, just like my ex-S.
Hi–
I live in VA too! RIght outside of DC.
I was just in car and overheard a radio show– the author was saying how guys take onger to decide if it is someone they want tomarry. , blah, blah.
Do youo guys know– that my brain went with, “Oh my gosh– if I HAD been patient and waited longer (Was 2 yrs already– no ring/no engagment.– “Oh– Maybe he was right. It would have worked.
Then again– he was always, always telling me that he could not propose until he saw me go a week with no anxiety over the relationship. Number one– that made my anxiety worse– number two–
my anxiety WAS MY BEST FREIND SAYING–“GET OUT. YOU ARE NOT SAFE.” Wish I knew that then.
Wish I knew a lot of things then.
Love to you all.
Meg
Meg, I think they are bussing them into VA. I’m serious!
maybe we seriously could set up a VA meeting. WE could email notes or Skype to other interested folks on LF.
We have four of us just in this thread alone !!
If you are seriously interested in a real life support group in your area or state, maybe Donna would have some suggestions on how you could accomplish it. I would contact her directly and ask her.
I am in the planning stages here of getting a “suvivors” group going, but since most people think DV ONLY consists of PHYSICAL abuse and I want to attract the P suvivors (and frankly I consider that most people who do physical violence to their families ARE Ps,) but still most people even those tht were abused physically don’t know what is abusing them–PSYCHOPATHS.
So there is a lot of education to be done here in order to structure it so that it will attract people like US–maybe people whose parents were Ps, or whose boss is a P or whose husband/wife, etc was/is a P.
If each of us could (or where 2-3 live in the same general geographical area and maybe could work together) to get a support group going, even monthly to start with, or host an all day event on a weekend, or find maybe a church or other place where you could have FREE access to a room for a weekend. Or meet in a camp ground at a public park which here in AR has pavillions that are useable for FREE so if it rains you are not “ruined” for your group, and there are tent camping sites, rooms for rent, lodges, or RVs can be used.
I think there are all kinds of ways we could get some REGIONAL or state or even city groups together in real time in real life. I know most of us are BROKE but I know how to LIVE BROKE and still get things done. Do it on the cheap!
Maybe if we could get some regional or state or city groups together Donna could post a contact number or e mail so the people in that area could get together for a face to face support session, or help each other in other ways too. Or have a “telephone hot line” for people who need someone to TALK too for support, not just blog or e mail to for support.
I see so many possibilities and I think we (the bloggers here) can start to help Donna who does so much for us, to expand the LOVE FRAUD “franchize” to others in our area that maybe don’t even know about psychopaths or don’t have internet access or lots of things. I am just for the present “brainstorming” on ways things can be done. To me, giving BACK for the help I have RECEIVED is extremely importnat. Maybe i can’t give “back” to the individuals that helped me, but if I give to others who are also “needing” help, then the cycle of giving continues on down the line, in this generation and in the next generation…because when we help a young mother (father?) , we help her children, and their children.
You all KNOW how much the support here at LF has meant, I think we need to spread the word, and spread the support, not only for others but for ourselves as well. I have gotten more benefit from LF than I have ever given here. MUCH more benefit! I’m getting to a point that my strength, my reserve strength etc is being restored and I am feeling some energy above and beyond “survival” on the barest edge.
Everyone who is here who is still on that ragged narrow edge of survival, you WILL GROW and you will get better, I’ve been on this road a LONG TIIME, my entire life, but I kept getting off the road and back into the FOG….but this time, I am going to STAY on the “road to Healing” and not be lured off the road into the FOG again. We can all stay on the road, and it IS a journey, not a destination. Iknow I will never “get to healing” as long as I live, but I will keep getting clsoeer and closer and I am already beginning to feel the warmth and energy coming from “healing” so I know I am on the right road and “making progress.” You guys are ALSO ON THE RIGHT ROAD!!! Hang in there and never give up. TOWANDA!!!!
blindsided31: It was Leah who knew someone who committed suicide, but what you wrote does sound too much like a coincidence… the girl died in an “accident” on his wife’s birthday… how sad, you’re right, it does sound like something she did on purpose, maybe she didn’t mean to kill herself, how horrible.
Midnight_Reflection: Thank you for your suggestions, I’ve always changed myself to match the guy, or to make him fit into my life, and I’m always the one that gets burned. I have to be me, even if that means they don’t want to be with me. All I’ve ever wanted was someone to love me, and to share life with, and have fun with, etc etc. I don’t think I’m asking for too much! LOL
My daughter lives in VA, just outside of DC, does that count? Can I go to the meeting? I feel like a lost sheep. BAA BAA