By AlohaTraveler
I work at a children’s shelter. One day last summer, we were playing dodge ball with the children and it made me think about the Bad Man. When we play dodge ball, we divide the teams children against counselors. To play the game, we divide the basketball court in half with the mid line being the divide between territories and we use six balls. When the referee blows the whistle to start the game, balls begin flying in every direction, someone is “OUT!” and the heated arguments ensue (from the children of course, we adults keep our heads) about the rules and who threw what? Was their foot over the line? Was it before or after “TIME OUT” was called? Which player was “out” first? In other words, it is complete and total chaos. I hate when they defer to me and ask what I saw. Ummm … I saw people running all over the place and balls bouncing and then someone shouted “TIME OUT!” Whom that was, I don’t know. Which team was it that was tagged first? What color was the ball that made the first impact? Sheesh! This is hard. I am a terrible referee! I can’t process all this information at once. EXACTLY.
Mental Gymnastics otherwise known as “Being Kept Off Balance” or “Crazy Making”
This is how it was with the Bad Man. Complete and total chaos. “Balls” coming at me from every direction and constantly being told I crossed the line somewhere. Just like with children, the rules and the lines were changing all the time. Breaking the “rules” was totally unavoidable. I couldn’t keep anything straight. He claimed I yelled at him. Did I? I don’t remember that. He claimed I was “out of line” and “out of control.” Was I? I wasn’t sure. I admit I was upset. I admit I was hurt. I became confused in the midst of the chaos. There was so much coming at me!
At first, I reacted to everything. However, it didn’t take long before I stopped reacting because I didn’t know what to react to. I often woke up to tirades over email and the sheer volume of accusations were just completely mind boggling. Sometimes, I tried to understand where he was coming from. Other times, I attempted to apologize but for what, I was not sure. Apologies never worked anyway. Bad Man would say, “You didn’t even apologize for the RIGHT thing.” Or “You missed something in your apology.” If I asked, “What did I miss?” he would tell me, “I am NOT going there with you.” Okay.
After one or two episodes in which I dared to be angered by his outrageous attacks and accusations, I changed my tactic because being angry and arguing my side made things worse. I began to be very careful. I had a sense that he was taking apart my reality but at the time, I didn’t really have words for that. Instinctively, I started stepping ever so carefully. It was not because I thought I could avoid the attacks coming out of him. I gave that idea up quickly. I became careful and measured with my words and my tone because I wanted to be sure of whom I was being in the moment. If I was mad or outraged, then I would be unsure of what I said and how I said it. So, I became a ZEN master of sorts. I stayed in the moment. I was careful not to lose my head in anger or frustration. That way, I could be sure, at least for myself, that I had not been out of control. Not that this made any difference.
A big part of emotional/psychological abuse is something called “keeping the victim off balance.” The abuser is always changing his demands, his rules, his desires. You will know you are being abused in this way when you are trying with all your might to make your partner happy, nothing you do is good enough and “everything is your fault.” You will know you are being abused when you are in constant defense of your character. You will know you are being abused when you ask yourself, “If he hates everything about me, then why does he stay?”
Reality Show
When I was with the Bad Man, I started to wish that everything that was happening between us was being recorded. That way, I could go back to the tapes when he started rewriting history to suit himself. I often asked myself, “How could he possibly say that is what happened?” If this sounds familiar, it’s a sure sign that you were deep in the throes of “Crazy Making.” As you start to doubt yourself, you begin to feel as if you are losing your mind. An Abuser’s version of what happened will be fixed like super glue with no room to budge an inch. Not one. This nearly drove me mad! The Bad Man was always imagining himself as the victim of me! And no amount of talking could convince him that he had any part in breakdown-of-the-day. ARGH!
I believe that anytime you notice these kinds of dynamics with anyone, a boss, your mother, a lover, it means something is wrong with them, not you. This is just my unscientific opinion. We all have room to grow but when suddenly, everything in the world is wrong with you, well, that doesn’t seem fair does it? Also, it’s fairly unlikely assuming you are a full grown adult with a life that was functioning before this person came into your life.
No Coping Strategies Will Work
Fairly early on in the relationship, I began to try to modify my behavior in order to please the Bad Man. I became very measured in my words and watched my tone of voice. I focused all my attention on being a pleasing machine. I tried to meet his outrageous demands and… (if you are easily offended, please don’t read the next phrase) had sex like a circus monkey. Even that didn’t work. Nothing worked! Nothing stopped him from getting mad at me. Nothing stopped him from living in his warped reality where I was evil and he was the victim of me and my “horrid” ways. It was so tiring.
I left the Bad Man and his chaos in search of my own peace and an answer. I found the answers I needed here at LoveFraud. Really. I am not trying to get points here. I needed this explanation and thank God I found it. I still don’t know all of the Bad Man’s secrets but I know the biggest one. Bad Man definitely has a personality disorder, or two. Since I am not a clinician, I am unsure if he qualifies as a sociopath. I am SURE he qualifies as a borderline and a narcissist. Not too long ago, I believed that but still felt a little uncomfortable stating it because I wondered if saying he was an abuser made me the “drama queen” that he said I was. Now I know that calling me “drama queen” was a way to discredit me to others and to make me doubt myself and my own perceptions. That’s just one of the things I know today. I also know something else. “Drama” and chaos seem to follow the Bad Man wherever he goes. To this day, anytime I hear a man say he is looking for a woman with “no drama” it makes me wonder… about the man.
I have just read OxDrover’s post on asses (who check things out for themselves) and horses (who allow themselves to be led into dangerous places)–and I’m sitting here, laughing and crying (the good kind), and realizing how much sorrow I’ve had in my life from “sitting on my ass”!
I’ll be much kinder to my inner ass in future, and will no longer worry when it expands!
Keeping Faith,
Do they do it (create chaos and keep us off balance) on purpose?
That is a good question.
I think it depends on what you are dealing with… a Borderline, a Narcissist, or a Sociopath/Psychopath.
For a Borderline, their inner world is chaos and so chaos is just a reflection of how they are on the inside and since they can’t accept how they are.. they have to blame everything on you! I think a true Sociopath is more calculating and maybe masterminding our mental demise… for FUN! A Narcissist thinks that they are the center of the Universe. Therefore they are the source of all rules and whims and so what they say, minute by minute, is what is so.
That’s what I think. That’s my lay person assessment. Maybe one of our Doctors can back me up or correct me. I am not a clinician… I got my education in a real life lab experiment and from learning from all of you… and books.
BTW… what is “d&d”? I might have missed it. I can’t read all this good stuff anymore or I will have no life and I am getting my life back!
my guy– 39– played D&D all the time. Dungeons and Dragons. At leat once a week with a group of other guys. That should have been a red flag, but I did not know much about it.
Just would liket o share that Oxy had recommended the book “Man’s Search for Meaning” by Victor Frankl.
I read it and guys– he says in there something like (And I refer to my “crazy” reactions to this guy while in relationship)
“An abnormal response to abnormal behaviour– is normal.”
Yes– it was an S a P and and N– and so my losing my cool one day was okay! He used it as why he dumped me, but come on!
Thanks for letting me vent.
Jim in Indiana,
It took 18 months before a light bulb went on? Yes… I totally get that. I had left Maui and the Bad Man long before he left my daily, hourly, minute by minute thoughts. I would have to think for a bit but I think it was at least 6 months before someone qualified told me “He sounds like a Borderline.” I spent the next zillion nights reading about that. Finding LoveFraud on that journey is what helped me find a place where I felt like I belonged and I could work this stuff out.. ya know what I mean?
Oxzy-
can we make pins or tshirts saying, “I am an ass. And a smart one!”
I wanna be an ass too.
You are wonderful Oxy.
Aloha–love what you just wrote and–
I like what someone else just wrote about writing for major magazines. I would be willing to help write and article.
greenfern,
Your dreams are interesting… it sounds like your inner self is slowly accepting what he is though it is hard to truly grasp what he is.. isn’t it?
Don’t doubt yourself and keep reading. It takes a long time to be able to really fathom that these kinds of people have duped us and toyed with our hearts and really… our souls. I used to say that to BM… and it sounded kind of dramatic but I found it difficult to say how deeply he was hurting me.. I would say, “You are abusing my spirit, my soul.”
I typically avoid the religious conversations here but I will tell you that I felt one time in my life a prompt from God to get away from this man. I won’t say anything more but it was very real for me and that day, I jumped out of the car and ran. It’s wasn’t the last day I spent with him but… that day.. I just had to get away from what he was saying to me. He was the most destructive human being I have even met.
I know how it feels to doubt yourself and wonder if it’s really you… and are you making this up. You aren’t. I left the Bad Man in 2005. It all seems like a nightmare that maybe didn’t happen. I have a scare on my leg from one of the worst days with him… it’s faint but it’s there.
Anyway, time will heal you and you will be a strong and amazing woman on the other side of this. :o)
Leah,
I am not sure if this is your first post but you said you have been a reader since the beginning. Wow! Awesome. When I found LF, there were 23 articles and just a few comments for each. I guess you have seen my progression. I wonder what I wrote first. Probably this: HELP ME. I AM DYING HERE!
I am also interested in educating people about personality disorder. I may get a chance to do that at my job as we take turns running our weekly meeting. So, I think thinking of doing a brief run down… maybe.. maybe not. Still working this out in my mind.
I know I will do something at some point but I don’t know if I am ready.
Elizabeth Conley!
Let us not feed ex-lax to dogs! What did that poor doggie ever do to you!
Revenge is more fun to think about than to do. I personally don’t like to do bad things so I would feel bad about doing something bad.
And we want to be careful about who we start wars with…
OxD, I LOVE your analogy about the asses. I can’t believe I’m saying this but I would LOVE to make an ass out of myself. ha ha
Hang in there, everyone, and keep doing the inner work. I will probably need to take a break from the internet for a while to break my internet addiction. I did it for a few days and I actually went through withdrawals, then “found myself” again (i.e., got in touch with my inner ass. LOL). It’s really good for me to stay off the reptile site. It is highly addictive, especially since I started a “cutest snake contest” over there. But I always get a lot of anxiety going there, too, because I never know what I will find. Maybe the S or his friends will appear. Best to just stay away for a while.
I think I mentioned a few weeks ago how shut down I was feeling and the bands of tension I get around my eyes. Recently, I have been meditating and actually straining my eyes back and forth, up and down. It actually helps release the tension and all the emotion that is bound up there. I am feeling a little better today and glad to know that there is some little thing I can do to help myself. I was starting to feel like a pressure cooker. I don’t even remember when this block got there, but it seems it’s been there all my life. It holds down a lot of pain from all the losses I’ve had over the years.
I thought of all you you today so very fondly when I saw a few cast iron skillets for sale at the flea market. I missed a good opportunity to boink myself over the head with them–there was one that was just the perfect size for a human head. lol. If I had overspent, I would have done just that (did I mention I have a shopping addiction too? 🙂
Love to all,
StarG