By AlohaTraveler
I work at a children’s shelter. One day last summer, we were playing dodge ball with the children and it made me think about the Bad Man. When we play dodge ball, we divide the teams children against counselors. To play the game, we divide the basketball court in half with the mid line being the divide between territories and we use six balls. When the referee blows the whistle to start the game, balls begin flying in every direction, someone is “OUT!” and the heated arguments ensue (from the children of course, we adults keep our heads) about the rules and who threw what? Was their foot over the line? Was it before or after “TIME OUT” was called? Which player was “out” first? In other words, it is complete and total chaos. I hate when they defer to me and ask what I saw. Ummm … I saw people running all over the place and balls bouncing and then someone shouted “TIME OUT!” Whom that was, I don’t know. Which team was it that was tagged first? What color was the ball that made the first impact? Sheesh! This is hard. I am a terrible referee! I can’t process all this information at once. EXACTLY.
Mental Gymnastics otherwise known as “Being Kept Off Balance” or “Crazy Making”
This is how it was with the Bad Man. Complete and total chaos. “Balls” coming at me from every direction and constantly being told I crossed the line somewhere. Just like with children, the rules and the lines were changing all the time. Breaking the “rules” was totally unavoidable. I couldn’t keep anything straight. He claimed I yelled at him. Did I? I don’t remember that. He claimed I was “out of line” and “out of control.” Was I? I wasn’t sure. I admit I was upset. I admit I was hurt. I became confused in the midst of the chaos. There was so much coming at me!
At first, I reacted to everything. However, it didn’t take long before I stopped reacting because I didn’t know what to react to. I often woke up to tirades over email and the sheer volume of accusations were just completely mind boggling. Sometimes, I tried to understand where he was coming from. Other times, I attempted to apologize but for what, I was not sure. Apologies never worked anyway. Bad Man would say, “You didn’t even apologize for the RIGHT thing.” Or “You missed something in your apology.” If I asked, “What did I miss?” he would tell me, “I am NOT going there with you.” Okay.
After one or two episodes in which I dared to be angered by his outrageous attacks and accusations, I changed my tactic because being angry and arguing my side made things worse. I began to be very careful. I had a sense that he was taking apart my reality but at the time, I didn’t really have words for that. Instinctively, I started stepping ever so carefully. It was not because I thought I could avoid the attacks coming out of him. I gave that idea up quickly. I became careful and measured with my words and my tone because I wanted to be sure of whom I was being in the moment. If I was mad or outraged, then I would be unsure of what I said and how I said it. So, I became a ZEN master of sorts. I stayed in the moment. I was careful not to lose my head in anger or frustration. That way, I could be sure, at least for myself, that I had not been out of control. Not that this made any difference.
A big part of emotional/psychological abuse is something called “keeping the victim off balance.” The abuser is always changing his demands, his rules, his desires. You will know you are being abused in this way when you are trying with all your might to make your partner happy, nothing you do is good enough and “everything is your fault.” You will know you are being abused when you are in constant defense of your character. You will know you are being abused when you ask yourself, “If he hates everything about me, then why does he stay?”
Reality Show
When I was with the Bad Man, I started to wish that everything that was happening between us was being recorded. That way, I could go back to the tapes when he started rewriting history to suit himself. I often asked myself, “How could he possibly say that is what happened?” If this sounds familiar, it’s a sure sign that you were deep in the throes of “Crazy Making.” As you start to doubt yourself, you begin to feel as if you are losing your mind. An Abuser’s version of what happened will be fixed like super glue with no room to budge an inch. Not one. This nearly drove me mad! The Bad Man was always imagining himself as the victim of me! And no amount of talking could convince him that he had any part in breakdown-of-the-day. ARGH!
I believe that anytime you notice these kinds of dynamics with anyone, a boss, your mother, a lover, it means something is wrong with them, not you. This is just my unscientific opinion. We all have room to grow but when suddenly, everything in the world is wrong with you, well, that doesn’t seem fair does it? Also, it’s fairly unlikely assuming you are a full grown adult with a life that was functioning before this person came into your life.
No Coping Strategies Will Work
Fairly early on in the relationship, I began to try to modify my behavior in order to please the Bad Man. I became very measured in my words and watched my tone of voice. I focused all my attention on being a pleasing machine. I tried to meet his outrageous demands and… (if you are easily offended, please don’t read the next phrase) had sex like a circus monkey. Even that didn’t work. Nothing worked! Nothing stopped him from getting mad at me. Nothing stopped him from living in his warped reality where I was evil and he was the victim of me and my “horrid” ways. It was so tiring.
I left the Bad Man and his chaos in search of my own peace and an answer. I found the answers I needed here at LoveFraud. Really. I am not trying to get points here. I needed this explanation and thank God I found it. I still don’t know all of the Bad Man’s secrets but I know the biggest one. Bad Man definitely has a personality disorder, or two. Since I am not a clinician, I am unsure if he qualifies as a sociopath. I am SURE he qualifies as a borderline and a narcissist. Not too long ago, I believed that but still felt a little uncomfortable stating it because I wondered if saying he was an abuser made me the “drama queen” that he said I was. Now I know that calling me “drama queen” was a way to discredit me to others and to make me doubt myself and my own perceptions. That’s just one of the things I know today. I also know something else. “Drama” and chaos seem to follow the Bad Man wherever he goes. To this day, anytime I hear a man say he is looking for a woman with “no drama” it makes me wonder… about the man.
aloha,
I had never witnessed anything l ike it….. I went on a few of those trips alone and the whole time I was there, he was apparently with another woman, calling and texting me to tell me how awful i was and how disloyal I was. (I wouldn’t live the lie of the whole Navy SEAL thing so that made me disloyal.) I DO think he may be borderline. All I know is that it is dysfunctional, bad,just outright immature and disgusting. THAT kind of behavior I will never tolerate again.
I forgive him because he is a lost soul who chooses to lie, cheat and steal. I forgive myself for making excuses and not having the wherewithall and knowledge of my own inner beauty and strength to walkaway when the first red flag appeared. I will never forget the unhealthy choices we BOTH made at key times…him deceiving me in the beginning.. me giving 2nd 3rd 4th chances once the jig was up. In my situation, I simply cannot put all of the blame on him – I do blame him for false advertisement, for dishonesty, and disrespectfulness (its his way of life) – I raise my children teaching, disciplining and positive praising them. I want a partner — not another child . I thought he was a good person, a decent person. He was not. He may not be the last false advertiser I meet, but he will be the last I ever give another chance to after the first red flag. I believe its gods built in safety system for us. RED FLAG = STOP = CHANGE DIRECTION. I forgive myself for not doing that. I encourage myself everyday to find out more and more WHY I DIDNT LISTEN TO MY INTERNAL VOICE — and I commit myself more and more to stop trying to understand him, figure him out, give him the time of day in my mind — for those are the things that kept me there and held me back. He needs to be doing that for himself – about himself – but he is not thinking of learning and growing changing or what anyone else needs – he is thinking of himself – and who he is going to suck the life, love and learning out of today. I am going to live, love and laugh and learn more about myself today – because thats what I was dong before I met him, thats who I am at my core, and thats the person i want to be. Not his victim. Life is too short. Give yourself a break today, you deserve time devoted to yourself, and you only. He/They dont deserve the spotlight today. YOU DO. Have a peaceful day everyone. Spring is my other favorite time of year!!! (snow and flowers)
LTL,
Anyone of us could have written what you just wrote.
“I forgive myself for making excuses and not having the wherewithall and knowledge of my own inner beauty and strength to walkaway when the first red flag appeared. ”
This is the hardest thing for me. YET, i stop taking the blame. i am a good person and that’s why I gave so many chances. Today and from now on, MY value as a person to be respected is too important to be giving pieces of myself away to someone who has not earned that part of me !!!
Thanks LTL……. tiem for Spring cleaning….let’s get them the hell out of our heads !!
ps. i forgot to say, depending on where you are in the healing process..you may considering trying it..but if you are anywhere close enough to not giving him five minutes or a half hour or an hour in your mind today.. you are on your way. It so is a journey.. and we all support eachother where we are on this journey (and I suspect always will be a journey – as we constantly are learning about ourselves and growing from our interactions with other… I just encourage you to make a promise to yourself to do something for yourself today that does not include his ghost with you. Its a challenge for me every damn day – but Im determined to live free and play by my rules now, nobody elses.
Dear Peaceatlast,
Yes, many (most?) people confuse forgiveness and trust—my own egg donor insisted that they were the same and if I didn’t go along with that (on HER interpretation of “forgiveness”) but it never felt “right” to me, and drove a wedge between me and my views of “God.” Now, I realize that forgiveness is one thing, and trust is another. Trust is EARNED. The story of Joseph in the old Testement where his brothers sold him off as a slave and told his father he was killed by a wild animal.
Not only did they offend their brother, but tortured their father with grief over his “dead” son.
When years and years later Joseph recognized his brothers in the people coming to Egypt to buy grain during a famine, he had ALREADY forgiven them (gotten the bittereness out of his heart toward them) but he TESTED THEM to see what kind of men they had become in the meantime, and ONLY when he saw that they would sacrifice their lives for his brother Benjamin in order not to hurt his father again, only THEN did he reveal himself to them as their brother. I think that story alone in the Bible shows that forgiveness and trust are NOT the same.
Religious bodies are a “great” place for being scammed by psychopaths and con men because, by virtue of the Church’s purpose, gaining “trust” within their group is waaaaaay too easy becaue of the confusion of trusting and forgiving. Learning this lesson was a BIG help to me in my spiritual walk, and in me forgiving myself as well as the Ps. Getting the bitterness out of my heart toward them, as well as NC which keeps new injuries to a minimum (usually) and helps facilitate being able to forgive them.
You will also note in the New TEstement that St. Paul, because he had been so vigorous in persecuting the early church befosre his conversion, was NOT trusted for quite some time by the Jewish Christians, especially after he had been a party to Stephen’s death by stoning. Even the other apostles didn’t trust him for quite some time.
Learning caution in who we trust, and when that trust is shattered by a lie, theft, or betrayal of any kind, by giving back trust too freely, we leave ourselves open to all kinds of abuse. NO MORE. Happy Spring!!!!
To All:
Thank you for your wisdom, your support and stories of living in a relationship with a disordered person. There is Hope. For a long, long, time I thought I was the only one that encountered this type of person, a maniac, a selfish person with only regard for himself, and the acting at times, of being a good, honest person, when S needed something for his own personal gain, being material, or to be a winner, all of the time. Unbelievable.
I broke the NC rule and got sucked in, but was aware, when I did it. After getting messages of failing health, I had to see what was going on with S, to be human (not a good idea to do with someone who has no conscience).
Well the initial story in the messages were dire, so ill, OMGosh, tests, Dr., etc… So the story after breaking the NC rule was, there is a medical condition, not dire circumstances, and is treated by medication, diet and exercise.
And….., the support money that was not paid for support for 10 weeks, had to go to pay a Dr. 2 visits and to pay for tests. The tests are not paid for. Where are the 8 weeks missed payments? Silly question Is opn, yeah my eyes are open and I was not duped, I just had to see and hear it, it was not a dire circumstance.
I told S to take care of his health, and returned to NC again. And the last message by text said I was not to show up at final moments, if that happens.
Being compassionate and emapthetic I overstepped where I knew better. I was the game plan and hearing the excuse to S missing 10 weeks of support. The S agreed to pay in front of the judge. Too easy to do do what is expected, let’s make a new game out of it.
S hadn’t talked to me in almost 10 weeks, time to play again, “NOT”.
The worst part of this whole thing with S is the Yuk, Yuk feeling when thinking or dealing with the S.
NC. Yes.
Healing is proceeding after 10 months, and the reality of what he truly is is here. And wanting to stay away from that thing in S’s head, lack of conscience.
You do have to keep busy as I have heard so many here say and I do. And not give S the time of day in your head, corrupting your natural brain and compassionate, happy emotions. A big downer it is, for lack of a better way to say it.
learnthelesson says: Life is too short. Give yourself a break today, you deserve time devoted to yourself, and you only. He/They dont deserve the spotlight today. YOU DO. Have a peaceful day everyone. Spring is my other favorite time of year!!! (snow and flowers)
Thank you for this comment and truth. Spring is a time for rebirth, a favorite of mine as well.
I thank God and everyone here for holding me up in the early times of changing the locks and ending it, and this new path now I walk now, with peace, happiness and laughter, and good people.
I appreciate the support that is offered to one another, and wisdom from all of you.
A good bunch of people to know and learn from. Yeah!!! It is about time! LOL
Blessings and happiness to us, and so that others may learn from our experiences and heal, a painful path but it does get better the longer you are away and have NC.
The phones are still unplugged and cell is turned to off, when not needed, and door does not get open. And at 5:00 PM this morning upon waking, I danced to the alarm clock. Life is good and will get better. Thanks guys.
“Life is good and will get better.” Amen.
I was in such a great mood this past weekend, got a lot of things done around the house, took care of my car, I’m still sore from all the walking I did with the munchkin, but it’s all good. I even got a sunburn. My mom and I went to a craft show and visited some of her homebound patients who wanted to meet my daughter (my mom is a nurse who takes care of people at home after they get out of the hospital). My good mood inspired me to start making some plans for the Summer. Money has been tight for years so we never go anywhere, but this Summer I’m turning 30 and I decided I want to go to this old-fashioned amusement park in PA. I love the place and it will be an awesome trip, nobody can ruin it for me.
On a not-so-happy note from this weekend, a telephone conversation with my dad brought back some childhood issues, but it’s good to bring them to light so I can work through them. My mom loved my birthday idea and is helping me with the planning, but when I called to ask her about something else my dad picked up the phone and started picking apart my birthday idea. He suggested I go to an indoor waterpark by where we live instead of the old amusement park, he said it was too old, too far to drive, too much money to stay overnight, he didn’t want to spend two days away from home, there would be bugs and I shouldn’t put bugspray on the baby and she’s too young to remember it anyway so we shouldn’t go. I got really upset and started crying, but I told him it was what I wanted to do, I like the park, the baby is not too young for bugspray, and it isn’t about her, it’s about ME. Of course, as soon as he put my mom on the phone I told her everything he said and she said he was in a bad mood (he’s in those a lot) and she said if he didn’t want to go he could stay home and she would come with us by herself. I was surprised by how upset I got, but then I realized it was because dad’s always been like this. When we were little we’d ask if we could go places, or mom would make plans for all of us and my dad always had something negative to say, he’d shoot down everything. He wasn’t around much because of work, first working long hours as a cop, then travelling a lot while working for the government, and when he was home he never wanted to do anything with us. It was always too hot, he was too tired, there was pollen outside, he might get dirty. My sister and I both display a lot of traits that suggest we had abandonment issues as children, for the longest time I couldn’t figure out why, I’d repressed so many disappointments, but that conversation unlocked quite a bit in the back of my mind.
Anybody know of any good books to read on childhood abandonment issues? I think a lot of my personal issues, especially ones with males, can be traced back to it. My dad’s always been emotionally distant, and my mom suffered from depression when I was little so she wasn’t always as sympathetic as she is now, she was distracted by her own issues.
Midnight_Reflection: You are explaining your father’s PAIN BODY. Everyone has pain they carry around with them from their own childhood. E. Tolle explains this in his book “A New Earth” … boy, I’ve been writing all this week about his book. I found his insight amusing. Anyway, you can log onto Oprah.com, look for her spiritual link. There you will find Tolle’s tapes explaining the 10 chapters of his book. ALL FREE. Each tape is about an hour long … describing each chapter with audiences from around the globe.
His book is a definite pick your spirits up book. It will give you another insight into what is going on with individual spirit journeys within each of us.
Peace to your heart and soul … enjoy your trip this summer. Sounds like fun. Make sure you bring a hat for the baby to wear (smile).
Dear Ox DRiver……….
I really appreciate the examples of the Bible requiring us to test for trust. The link between forgiveness and trust is not short. Forgiveness we give ourselves trust must be given to us by someone else. The only entitiy I can trust with out fail is God. EVeryone else is up for testing. That reality does make me more peaceful and wise. Thank you! We are all here because we put our faith in another person. That is not to say that cannot be done…..but trusting is a slow and very deliberate process that is very spiritual. Our gut feelings are such a powerful guide.
Midnight a good one is “if you had controlling parents.” Matt suggested this to me and it really resonated for me, my egg donor was a control freak and my sperm donor was a full fledged P, so yep, I can relate.
Good luck. I think many of these childhood issues are what makes us “fodder” for the P-attacks because as chldren we learn to live with this as “normal” and it isn’t. So when the Ps treat us like _________ did (fillin the blank) we see it as normal. Learning what is GOOD is what we need to do, learning what is the way it SHOULD Be, not what we were brought up to BELIEVE was “the way it is” is what we need to do.
I am learning that now, and am NC from my egg donor totally, and my P-sperm donor is dead and I was NC with him for the 40 years before his death. Life is good when there are no dysfunctional people in your life. If your dad is that way, maybe you might think about going NC with him, or at least NOT BEING DISAPPOINTED when he treats you this way. HE IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE NOW, so you might as well accept that FACT—-you can’t make him even want to change, so the thing you CAN change is your expectations of him.
“Pretending we are a nice normal family” is for the birds! By accepting that my family was DYSFUNCTIONAL I was able to heal myself, and I n ever would have been without accepting the TRUTH…no matter how much it hurt or pithed me off, it did SET ME FREE. No more expecting that if I did whatever it was that the egg donor wanted me to that she would love and nurture me, she was all about CONTROL not love. HER problem, NO LONGER MINE.