By AlohaTraveler
I work at a children’s shelter. One day last summer, we were playing dodge ball with the children and it made me think about the Bad Man. When we play dodge ball, we divide the teams children against counselors. To play the game, we divide the basketball court in half with the mid line being the divide between territories and we use six balls. When the referee blows the whistle to start the game, balls begin flying in every direction, someone is “OUT!” and the heated arguments ensue (from the children of course, we adults keep our heads) about the rules and who threw what? Was their foot over the line? Was it before or after “TIME OUT” was called? Which player was “out” first? In other words, it is complete and total chaos. I hate when they defer to me and ask what I saw. Ummm … I saw people running all over the place and balls bouncing and then someone shouted “TIME OUT!” Whom that was, I don’t know. Which team was it that was tagged first? What color was the ball that made the first impact? Sheesh! This is hard. I am a terrible referee! I can’t process all this information at once. EXACTLY.
Mental Gymnastics otherwise known as “Being Kept Off Balance” or “Crazy Making”
This is how it was with the Bad Man. Complete and total chaos. “Balls” coming at me from every direction and constantly being told I crossed the line somewhere. Just like with children, the rules and the lines were changing all the time. Breaking the “rules” was totally unavoidable. I couldn’t keep anything straight. He claimed I yelled at him. Did I? I don’t remember that. He claimed I was “out of line” and “out of control.” Was I? I wasn’t sure. I admit I was upset. I admit I was hurt. I became confused in the midst of the chaos. There was so much coming at me!
At first, I reacted to everything. However, it didn’t take long before I stopped reacting because I didn’t know what to react to. I often woke up to tirades over email and the sheer volume of accusations were just completely mind boggling. Sometimes, I tried to understand where he was coming from. Other times, I attempted to apologize but for what, I was not sure. Apologies never worked anyway. Bad Man would say, “You didn’t even apologize for the RIGHT thing.” Or “You missed something in your apology.” If I asked, “What did I miss?” he would tell me, “I am NOT going there with you.” Okay.
After one or two episodes in which I dared to be angered by his outrageous attacks and accusations, I changed my tactic because being angry and arguing my side made things worse. I began to be very careful. I had a sense that he was taking apart my reality but at the time, I didn’t really have words for that. Instinctively, I started stepping ever so carefully. It was not because I thought I could avoid the attacks coming out of him. I gave that idea up quickly. I became careful and measured with my words and my tone because I wanted to be sure of whom I was being in the moment. If I was mad or outraged, then I would be unsure of what I said and how I said it. So, I became a ZEN master of sorts. I stayed in the moment. I was careful not to lose my head in anger or frustration. That way, I could be sure, at least for myself, that I had not been out of control. Not that this made any difference.
A big part of emotional/psychological abuse is something called “keeping the victim off balance.” The abuser is always changing his demands, his rules, his desires. You will know you are being abused in this way when you are trying with all your might to make your partner happy, nothing you do is good enough and “everything is your fault.” You will know you are being abused when you are in constant defense of your character. You will know you are being abused when you ask yourself, “If he hates everything about me, then why does he stay?”
Reality Show
When I was with the Bad Man, I started to wish that everything that was happening between us was being recorded. That way, I could go back to the tapes when he started rewriting history to suit himself. I often asked myself, “How could he possibly say that is what happened?” If this sounds familiar, it’s a sure sign that you were deep in the throes of “Crazy Making.” As you start to doubt yourself, you begin to feel as if you are losing your mind. An Abuser’s version of what happened will be fixed like super glue with no room to budge an inch. Not one. This nearly drove me mad! The Bad Man was always imagining himself as the victim of me! And no amount of talking could convince him that he had any part in breakdown-of-the-day. ARGH!
I believe that anytime you notice these kinds of dynamics with anyone, a boss, your mother, a lover, it means something is wrong with them, not you. This is just my unscientific opinion. We all have room to grow but when suddenly, everything in the world is wrong with you, well, that doesn’t seem fair does it? Also, it’s fairly unlikely assuming you are a full grown adult with a life that was functioning before this person came into your life.
No Coping Strategies Will Work
Fairly early on in the relationship, I began to try to modify my behavior in order to please the Bad Man. I became very measured in my words and watched my tone of voice. I focused all my attention on being a pleasing machine. I tried to meet his outrageous demands and… (if you are easily offended, please don’t read the next phrase) had sex like a circus monkey. Even that didn’t work. Nothing worked! Nothing stopped him from getting mad at me. Nothing stopped him from living in his warped reality where I was evil and he was the victim of me and my “horrid” ways. It was so tiring.
I left the Bad Man and his chaos in search of my own peace and an answer. I found the answers I needed here at LoveFraud. Really. I am not trying to get points here. I needed this explanation and thank God I found it. I still don’t know all of the Bad Man’s secrets but I know the biggest one. Bad Man definitely has a personality disorder, or two. Since I am not a clinician, I am unsure if he qualifies as a sociopath. I am SURE he qualifies as a borderline and a narcissist. Not too long ago, I believed that but still felt a little uncomfortable stating it because I wondered if saying he was an abuser made me the “drama queen” that he said I was. Now I know that calling me “drama queen” was a way to discredit me to others and to make me doubt myself and my own perceptions. That’s just one of the things I know today. I also know something else. “Drama” and chaos seem to follow the Bad Man wherever he goes. To this day, anytime I hear a man say he is looking for a woman with “no drama” it makes me wonder… about the man.
Dear Midnight–
Please read–The JOurney From Abandonent to Healing–
by Susan somebody– but it is wonderful. Not even a book really, but an experience.
I think what upset me so much is that I haven’t had to deal with my dad’s negativity directly like that for awhile, I usually just hear about his “griping” from mom and we both kind of roll our eyes and say, “whatever.” I went back to that attitude shortly after I got off the phone.
We don’t generally pretend we’re a normal family, we acknowledge that we’re a bunch of loonies. Mom actually is pretty normal these days, she got treated for her depression years ago, no more crying fits or throwing things, her biggest problem now would probably be that she’s too trusting of people (wonder where I got that trait from?). Dad has so many strange issues, he’s OCD about his stuff, we never talk about anything emotional, he’s paranoid, he can be kind of mean with his teasing, yet at the same time he’s open and affectionate with his grandaughter, if he hears me or my sister say we were looking at something in the store he’ll secretly buy it for us, he adopted this little old Beagle I found and took care of him even when he went blind and deaf. Wini’s right, dad’s carrying around a lot of trauma from his own childhood.
I’ll check out the book you mentioned, Oxy. I’m not sure that my parents were that controlling though. Dad was sometimes, but the bigger picture I see when I think upon my childhood is emptiness, loneliness, cold, grey.
Midnight_Reflection: Now you have the time to make a new start with everyone in your family. I’m sure your parents will go along with your healing. I’m also sure, your father’s bark is worse than his bite and he just joins you on your trip this year. Grandparents love doting on the grandchildren. They get to have all the fun, then the parent has to take over (LOL).
Smile.
Midnight_Reflection:
The books sets out various kind of control. Based on what you’ve posted about your parents, I see at least two kinds discussed in Neuharth’s book.
Dear Midnight,
Part of theproblems we have when we DO start to heal and become better at boundary setting, is that it “upsets the status quo” in the dysfunctional family. The members of the family are THREATENED if you start to get better because you no longer play their games or take their snide remarks or put up with them being rude to you.
My egg donor is HEAVILY INVESTED (as many dysfunctional, gamey people) in being able to predict what is going on, and how to react to it. The status quo is reassuring to them that they know how to behave, how to act, and the “lines” written for the “family drama.”
If someone drops out of the “play” or REFUSES to read their lines according to the expected “script” then it makes the other members of the family upset with them.
You say your dad can be “mean” with his “teasing”—believe me, TO ME that is not acceptable. I call it “teasing on the square”—in other words, they are saying things they really feel in a “joking” way and if you object they become offended and say “well, can’t you take a joke? I was only teasing.”
My husband had a “friend” who was a flaming Narcissist, the only one of this “friends” I absolutely despised, and I used to do that to him to his face. Though I was always gracious to his many friends who filled our house most of the time, I was literally deliberately RUDE to this creep, and he really knew I didn’t like him (he didn’t like me any better because I was not a subservient woman which was his “type.”) anyway, he knew it wasn’t a joke, and I knew it wasn’t a joke, but I am just perverse enough to try to make him unwelcome, so we BOTH kept up the fake “joking.” So there was always plausible deniability that we really weren’t being “insulting” (though we both knew we were!) LOL He was even a creep the day of my husband’s wake and I almost literally had to throw him out of the house. I haven’t seen him since! No loss! LOL
Many people use this as a common way to say nasty things to people and use the same technique, knowing that they are being crude and rude. It can be subtle or not so subtle, but it keeps people being “semi-civil” to each other and yet lets the creep vent his/her spleen on someone else as a “joke.”
I don’t normally put up with that when it is done like I did with my husband’s “friend.” My husband knew I didn’t like the creep and he didn’t have him over very often, but sometimes the guy would just show up. Most of the time my husband kept him out of my way if he did come to the farm. The only reason that I didn’t tell the guy to leave and never come back is that he and my husband both liked to fly planes and model planes together and I wasn’t going to tell my husband he couldn’t have someone over—it was his house too. It was the ONLY “friend” he had that I didn’t like as much as he did.
My egg donor used to say “nasty” things to me as a joke or criticism, and until I got to thinking about it, I had just “swallowed” most of her snide remarks, but they did hurt at the time. Now, I just stay totally away from people like that.
I’m not saying your dad is “all bad” or a psychopath, but he obviously has difficulty with anger problems and expression of emotions.
You might sit down with him and just be HONEST WITH HIM, and tell him, “Dad, when you say XYZ it hurts my feelings, I wish you would not do that.” See how he reacts. You might end up with a better and closer relationship with him. If he continues to hurt you and say “mean” things, you might be better off distancing the relationship and realizing that he isn’t interested in changing so you have the choice of enduring it and blowing it off, or staying away. It depends on how YOU feel about it all.
I have chosen to distance myself from people who make me uncomfortable, are hurtful to me etc. It makes my life much easier and happier. I set boundaries with my friends when they do things that are uncomfortable for me. I am honest with them, not hateful and I don’t wait until a big load of emotion has built up before I discuss it.
Sometiems those “friends” don’t respect my boundaries and if that is the case, the relationship suffers or ends because of it. I am just not “into” letting people emotionally abuse me or abuse me any other way for that matter. I no longer have to walk on egg shells around people.
I have made much progress over the past year with no contact and have gained alot of wisdom and knowledge about what motivated him. I started taking sleeping pills 2 year’s ago because I was sleep deprived from all the chaos and drama. It is the only way I can get him completley out of my thoughts, over the past year the constant thinking of him has gone from a 10 to a 3. I am trying to wean myself from the pills, but when I do not take them I never go into a deep sleep and dream of him. That is why I am up a 4:48 am. The dream was vivid – he was telling me how he had sex with a women just to prove he could and he did it at xmas time in my house when I was in Colorado on business. i was devastated and the dream just became more bizzare until I woke up in a sweat. This has everything to do with the married women who live across the road – one time he told me she had invited him over to see the house they were remodeling and he kept telling me how he really liked her bedroom. It never even crossed my mind to think anything of it because he was gay. But sometimes i would see this woman walking down my drive way which is curved and you can not see my house until you make the bend in the driveway and severla times she would turn around and leave when she saw I was at home. And after M left she stopped waving at me when I passed her house when she was out in the yard and she wont even look my way. I also remember hearing horrible fights between her and her husband – but ever scine M let no more fight and no more walking down my drive way. I feel like asking her if there is anything she woiuld like to share with me about M – am I crazy? I remember Donna andersson saying sociopaths are neither straight or gay that they will screw anything – any suggestions? should I be comitted after one year and still obsessed with his deciet……..I have accepted the men he had in my bed when I was out of town – i just cant let this go – it is just more than I can comprehend but I feel in my gut I am right….
henry-“but I feel in my gut I am right”.”
Donna is right.
Your “gut feeling” is right.
I doubt if the married woman will “share”.
Everything you’ve already realized and accepted started as more than what you could comprehend at the time.
Trust yourself. Trust your intuition.
The truth will set you free, once again pissing you off…and time and NC will give you peace…hang in there and dodge the skillet…or take the love tap…you’re a good man.
Good Morning–
I am having major anxiety- PTSD this am. Any suggestions?
When I am in this state– the stupid voices he left me–the ones blaming me for the “breakup”– seem real. LIke maybe it was my fault. But like Oxy said yesterday– heis a lie. He is a lie. He is a lie. He would have broken up with me for some other reason–
I wish I knew why–I obsess sometimes about him going back to his exwife– conning her back. Why should I care? Maybe b/c if he did go back–it just proves that I was a whore and he can even use it to play victim to his exwife–
Oh this MEg girl seduced me– Yeah, right. If they only knew the truth.
Yeah– major anxiety. THanks for letting me vent. I go back to VA today from Fla where I have been for almost two weeks.
Meg, if you’re having major anxiety focus on your breathing, long, slow breaths, and work on forcing your muscles to relax one by one. As for the voices in your head, try to drown them out, I usually sing songs in my head, real or made up when I don’t want to listen to those busy voices, or repeat a mantra, “he’s a liar, I’m a good person.” The voices tell you bad things over and over and they take root because of the repetition, if you repeat good things about yourself, even if you’re having trouble believing them right now, they will take root instead. If he goes back to his ex it proves nothing except he is a parasite that cannot exist on his own.
go with your gut Henry.
you are making me thik. 2 weeks- not even afer my guy “discarded” me– he said he ws going to visit San Franciso– a gay guy that he had told me before had come onto him. What the heck?
If a girlfriend came on to me– and i was not gy– I do not think I would go visit her days after my mom died and I discarded my partner of 2 years.
I could not even get this guy to get on a plane with me to CHicago to meet my family?
God– I wish people knew the truth about these people.—–