By AlohaTraveler
I work at a children’s shelter. One day last summer, we were playing dodge ball with the children and it made me think about the Bad Man. When we play dodge ball, we divide the teams children against counselors. To play the game, we divide the basketball court in half with the mid line being the divide between territories and we use six balls. When the referee blows the whistle to start the game, balls begin flying in every direction, someone is “OUT!” and the heated arguments ensue (from the children of course, we adults keep our heads) about the rules and who threw what? Was their foot over the line? Was it before or after “TIME OUT” was called? Which player was “out” first? In other words, it is complete and total chaos. I hate when they defer to me and ask what I saw. Ummm … I saw people running all over the place and balls bouncing and then someone shouted “TIME OUT!” Whom that was, I don’t know. Which team was it that was tagged first? What color was the ball that made the first impact? Sheesh! This is hard. I am a terrible referee! I can’t process all this information at once. EXACTLY.
Mental Gymnastics otherwise known as “Being Kept Off Balance” or “Crazy Making”
This is how it was with the Bad Man. Complete and total chaos. “Balls” coming at me from every direction and constantly being told I crossed the line somewhere. Just like with children, the rules and the lines were changing all the time. Breaking the “rules” was totally unavoidable. I couldn’t keep anything straight. He claimed I yelled at him. Did I? I don’t remember that. He claimed I was “out of line” and “out of control.” Was I? I wasn’t sure. I admit I was upset. I admit I was hurt. I became confused in the midst of the chaos. There was so much coming at me!
At first, I reacted to everything. However, it didn’t take long before I stopped reacting because I didn’t know what to react to. I often woke up to tirades over email and the sheer volume of accusations were just completely mind boggling. Sometimes, I tried to understand where he was coming from. Other times, I attempted to apologize but for what, I was not sure. Apologies never worked anyway. Bad Man would say, “You didn’t even apologize for the RIGHT thing.” Or “You missed something in your apology.” If I asked, “What did I miss?” he would tell me, “I am NOT going there with you.” Okay.
After one or two episodes in which I dared to be angered by his outrageous attacks and accusations, I changed my tactic because being angry and arguing my side made things worse. I began to be very careful. I had a sense that he was taking apart my reality but at the time, I didn’t really have words for that. Instinctively, I started stepping ever so carefully. It was not because I thought I could avoid the attacks coming out of him. I gave that idea up quickly. I became careful and measured with my words and my tone because I wanted to be sure of whom I was being in the moment. If I was mad or outraged, then I would be unsure of what I said and how I said it. So, I became a ZEN master of sorts. I stayed in the moment. I was careful not to lose my head in anger or frustration. That way, I could be sure, at least for myself, that I had not been out of control. Not that this made any difference.
A big part of emotional/psychological abuse is something called “keeping the victim off balance.” The abuser is always changing his demands, his rules, his desires. You will know you are being abused in this way when you are trying with all your might to make your partner happy, nothing you do is good enough and “everything is your fault.” You will know you are being abused when you are in constant defense of your character. You will know you are being abused when you ask yourself, “If he hates everything about me, then why does he stay?”
Reality Show
When I was with the Bad Man, I started to wish that everything that was happening between us was being recorded. That way, I could go back to the tapes when he started rewriting history to suit himself. I often asked myself, “How could he possibly say that is what happened?” If this sounds familiar, it’s a sure sign that you were deep in the throes of “Crazy Making.” As you start to doubt yourself, you begin to feel as if you are losing your mind. An Abuser’s version of what happened will be fixed like super glue with no room to budge an inch. Not one. This nearly drove me mad! The Bad Man was always imagining himself as the victim of me! And no amount of talking could convince him that he had any part in breakdown-of-the-day. ARGH!
I believe that anytime you notice these kinds of dynamics with anyone, a boss, your mother, a lover, it means something is wrong with them, not you. This is just my unscientific opinion. We all have room to grow but when suddenly, everything in the world is wrong with you, well, that doesn’t seem fair does it? Also, it’s fairly unlikely assuming you are a full grown adult with a life that was functioning before this person came into your life.
No Coping Strategies Will Work
Fairly early on in the relationship, I began to try to modify my behavior in order to please the Bad Man. I became very measured in my words and watched my tone of voice. I focused all my attention on being a pleasing machine. I tried to meet his outrageous demands and… (if you are easily offended, please don’t read the next phrase) had sex like a circus monkey. Even that didn’t work. Nothing worked! Nothing stopped him from getting mad at me. Nothing stopped him from living in his warped reality where I was evil and he was the victim of me and my “horrid” ways. It was so tiring.
I left the Bad Man and his chaos in search of my own peace and an answer. I found the answers I needed here at LoveFraud. Really. I am not trying to get points here. I needed this explanation and thank God I found it. I still don’t know all of the Bad Man’s secrets but I know the biggest one. Bad Man definitely has a personality disorder, or two. Since I am not a clinician, I am unsure if he qualifies as a sociopath. I am SURE he qualifies as a borderline and a narcissist. Not too long ago, I believed that but still felt a little uncomfortable stating it because I wondered if saying he was an abuser made me the “drama queen” that he said I was. Now I know that calling me “drama queen” was a way to discredit me to others and to make me doubt myself and my own perceptions. That’s just one of the things I know today. I also know something else. “Drama” and chaos seem to follow the Bad Man wherever he goes. To this day, anytime I hear a man say he is looking for a woman with “no drama” it makes me wonder… about the man.
thanks Midnight.
How is it– did this happen to anyone else–
when he discared– he cried and said “I have a good heart. I am a good person.”
He said that about himself. LIke I was the bad one– not him.
Something else I have learnED… lets summize it really was our “fault” for the break-up. Lets put that our shoulders so we can carry on with that possibility… ok.. so we fell apart because I would like consistency and reliability, I would like respect, I would like to share love, I would like trust, I would like fidelity, I would like my money back, I would like sex with someone who wasnt sleeping around, I would like facetime, I would like laughter, I would like to be able to verbalize how I was feeling and not be made to feel like a beotch and if we disagreed, Id like to talk it through and work it out…I wanted a real and healthy relationship…and because I wanted that…it was my fault we broke up. Ill take the blame that way… because he cannot not take the responsibility for ALL HE WAS NOT. HE IS NEITHER MATURE OR RESPONSIBLE, THE ONLY THING HE CAN DO IS TURN IT AROUND..AND PREY ON YOUR VULNERABILITY THAT COMES WITH LOVING A SOCIOPATH. DONT FALL FOR THE TRAP…Remember who you were before meeting him, remember what your standards were – if he started out the relationship the way he is now “showing his true colors” – a liar to you , or perhaps a cheater on you or even a thief around you- you wouldnt have given him the time of day. So why are we now – after the fact – after we know the kind of person they are. We gave them way too much of our time. We are pining for the boobie prize. If they go back to their ex wife or move on to a vulnerable insecure chick – I just think – those poor women. Who wants the boobie prize in the end? Not me! But you are free!!!! FREE!!!! Cut yourself loose and get out of dodge!!!
If you are having anxiety its NORMAL, its your spiriits way of saying what you are thinking and what you know to be true are conflicted right now… take a break, sit down, relax your mind and think about what you really want for yourself in your life right now. Do you really want him back in your life right now? If so, its okay, but express why. If not, express why you dont want him in your life….
Meg – I was the one who left, which is part of why I kept hanging around letting him cry on me afterwards, I felt I owed it to him since I hurt him. Now that I think about it in detail he kept switching tactics, at first he was angry, trying to guilt-trip me into coming back by listing all the things he did for me, when I got angry back and wrote him a letter listing all of the injustices he did to me he abruptly switched tactics and went all sweet, when that didn’t make any progress he turned on the tears telling me how much he needed me because I “made him a better man” he admitted to everything I accused him of and told me he needed me to make him better.
Akitameg – Yes. He said that and believes that about himself. But my response was — Im sorry you chose not to show me a guy with a good heart and a guy that is a good person. I told him he can think that he is both – but his choices/his actions contradict his description of himself.
A good heart/a good person – follows through. His so called “good heart/good person” is given to one person in this world – to himself. He operates his life to fulfill his own needs, desires, etc.
A good heart/a good person will make sure he gets his needs met, but not at the expense of another. And he will be kind and gracious enough to make sure he respects your needs and desires.
There was no compatibility because it was all about him. That is not a good hearted person.
blindsided: reacting to your story way up above! I was also a married woman involved with a married man who was a P. Now I am totally shocked (as I am sure you are) at how I put aside my normally very high ethical standards to even get into such a situation in the first place. We catch some of their illness, I swear. That is not to hedge on the responsibility I feel and I have been in marriage counseling with my husband who is very supportive, actually, because he saw all my pain and loves me and knows I love him. He “gets” what emotional rape is, he gets what a betrayal bond is.
As far as how do you fall out of love, just tell yourself THE WHOLE TRUTH. Make a list of every cruel thing, every lie, and focus on that list. There is a blog about that , a list for leaving, I think. Get angry. And get busy with other stuff, and put the blame on him. Remember, a decent man would not ask to kiss a married woman. A decent man would not turn his wife’s suffering into how much he is suffering. I knew an actress whose long time lover was in the hospital fighting for his life. I told her I was sending flowers to the hospital. She said “Flowers for HIM? What about ME?!! *I* am the one home alone, I”m the one struggling to get things done while he just stays in bed in the hospital. I am the one suffering, not HIM!” I just looked at her in utter amazement and never had another thing to do with her. But I sure bought that kind of crap from my P….because of trauma repetition, etc. etc. I am trying so hard to make sure I never violate my ethics again, never get so needy and vulnerable again, that I take care of myself.
Oxy – Yeah, I’m tired of all the passive-aggressive BS from my family and friends. My dad doesn’t do the mean teasing to me, he does it to my mom. When me or my sister are there and he’s been gleefully picking on mom he likes to tell us about it, he’ll laugh and say, “your mother’s in a bad mood because I said .” I usually tell him “that isn’t funny, you shouldn’t pick on her, no wonder she’s in a bad mood.” My sister’s never had any problems calling him out on his behavior. He can be such a gloom cookie I find it’s better if I don’t talk to him too much, just keep the visits friendly and the conversation light. I’ve had to do the same thing with most of my friends and all of my extended family. My uncle is the most sarcastic person I’ve ever met, when he, my dad, and their sister get together it’s like one big criticism convention. I choose to spend the majority of my time with my husband, my daughter, and the two friends I have who speak plainly.
Wini – You’re right, dad loves to complain and criticize, but he will probably end up going anyway. If he starts complaining while we’re there I’m going to ignore him and have fun.
My weakness when it comes to my dad is that I hate disappointing him. I look at him the same way I’ve looked at most of the guys I’ve dated, I see someone who is broken and vulnerable hiding behind a lot of defense mechanisms. But Oxy’s right, dad is who he is and isn’t going to change, so I have to protect myself from his defense mechanisms and either accept the distance or go NC. I want him in my life, so I choose to accept his gestures of love, but I don’t have to also accept the negativity.
I’ve learnED that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
I guess, unless you become an S/P…then the responsibility for who you are becomes a free-for all …their parents, their spouses, their partners, their co-workers,… etc.. how messed-up that is!!!!
learn the lesson — thank you so very much
midnight reflection– ditto
Meg – He didnt love me. He let me love him until I no longer could give that way. He didnt want it to end…he had my heart and soul in the palm of his hands. I WAS IN THE WRONG HANDS. THEY WERENT GIVING HANDS, THEY WERE TAKING, AND TAKING AND TAKING.
LIFE IS GIVING, BUT NOT TO THE EXTENT THAT YOU GIVE YOURSELF AWAY. ITS A BALANCE OF GIVE AND TAKE…LOVE ISNT WHAT I FOUND WITH HIM. ITS WHAT I GAVE TO HIM.
HE GAVE ME LIES. BUT ACCORDING TO HIM HE IS A GOOD PERSON/A GOOD SOUL. HE DOESNT KNOW HOW TO HAVE A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP. HIS WAY OF LIFE IS LYING, CHEATING, STEALING – HE IS DYSFUNCTIONAL. BUT HIS HEART IS GOOD, HE IS A GOOD PERSON – IN HIS EYES – IF ONLY HE WANTED TO AND CHOSE TO LIVE HIS LIFE WITH A GOOD HEART AND AS A GOOD PERSON. UNFORTUNATELY, THEY ARE TOO WEAK, TOO DAMAGED TO WANT TO CHANGE. ITS EASIER TO KEEP DOING WHAT THEY DO..
Midnight_Reflection: You do have a way with words…”gloom cookie” and “criticism conventions” LMAO
learnEDthelesson…”how messed-up that is!!!!”….chaos.
BTW, Abby,….got invited to lunch with my “friend” yesterday…turned into a three hour lunch. No Red Flags.
No Yellow Flags. And really no Green Flags. Just exchanging life stories, back and forth. Someone else trying to figure out who she is, what she wants. Under stress because some idiot (not me) is stalking her, her past husbands call out of the blue trying to recycle her, and she is determined to live alone, rediscovering herself, and finding what she wants for the future. I thoroughly enjoyed it, I think she did, too.
Friends are good.