By AlohaTraveler
I work at a children’s shelter. One day last summer, we were playing dodge ball with the children and it made me think about the Bad Man. When we play dodge ball, we divide the teams children against counselors. To play the game, we divide the basketball court in half with the mid line being the divide between territories and we use six balls. When the referee blows the whistle to start the game, balls begin flying in every direction, someone is “OUT!” and the heated arguments ensue (from the children of course, we adults keep our heads) about the rules and who threw what? Was their foot over the line? Was it before or after “TIME OUT” was called? Which player was “out” first? In other words, it is complete and total chaos. I hate when they defer to me and ask what I saw. Ummm … I saw people running all over the place and balls bouncing and then someone shouted “TIME OUT!” Whom that was, I don’t know. Which team was it that was tagged first? What color was the ball that made the first impact? Sheesh! This is hard. I am a terrible referee! I can’t process all this information at once. EXACTLY.
Mental Gymnastics otherwise known as “Being Kept Off Balance” or “Crazy Making”
This is how it was with the Bad Man. Complete and total chaos. “Balls” coming at me from every direction and constantly being told I crossed the line somewhere. Just like with children, the rules and the lines were changing all the time. Breaking the “rules” was totally unavoidable. I couldn’t keep anything straight. He claimed I yelled at him. Did I? I don’t remember that. He claimed I was “out of line” and “out of control.” Was I? I wasn’t sure. I admit I was upset. I admit I was hurt. I became confused in the midst of the chaos. There was so much coming at me!
At first, I reacted to everything. However, it didn’t take long before I stopped reacting because I didn’t know what to react to. I often woke up to tirades over email and the sheer volume of accusations were just completely mind boggling. Sometimes, I tried to understand where he was coming from. Other times, I attempted to apologize but for what, I was not sure. Apologies never worked anyway. Bad Man would say, “You didn’t even apologize for the RIGHT thing.” Or “You missed something in your apology.” If I asked, “What did I miss?” he would tell me, “I am NOT going there with you.” Okay.
After one or two episodes in which I dared to be angered by his outrageous attacks and accusations, I changed my tactic because being angry and arguing my side made things worse. I began to be very careful. I had a sense that he was taking apart my reality but at the time, I didn’t really have words for that. Instinctively, I started stepping ever so carefully. It was not because I thought I could avoid the attacks coming out of him. I gave that idea up quickly. I became careful and measured with my words and my tone because I wanted to be sure of whom I was being in the moment. If I was mad or outraged, then I would be unsure of what I said and how I said it. So, I became a ZEN master of sorts. I stayed in the moment. I was careful not to lose my head in anger or frustration. That way, I could be sure, at least for myself, that I had not been out of control. Not that this made any difference.
A big part of emotional/psychological abuse is something called “keeping the victim off balance.” The abuser is always changing his demands, his rules, his desires. You will know you are being abused in this way when you are trying with all your might to make your partner happy, nothing you do is good enough and “everything is your fault.” You will know you are being abused when you are in constant defense of your character. You will know you are being abused when you ask yourself, “If he hates everything about me, then why does he stay?”
Reality Show
When I was with the Bad Man, I started to wish that everything that was happening between us was being recorded. That way, I could go back to the tapes when he started rewriting history to suit himself. I often asked myself, “How could he possibly say that is what happened?” If this sounds familiar, it’s a sure sign that you were deep in the throes of “Crazy Making.” As you start to doubt yourself, you begin to feel as if you are losing your mind. An Abuser’s version of what happened will be fixed like super glue with no room to budge an inch. Not one. This nearly drove me mad! The Bad Man was always imagining himself as the victim of me! And no amount of talking could convince him that he had any part in breakdown-of-the-day. ARGH!
I believe that anytime you notice these kinds of dynamics with anyone, a boss, your mother, a lover, it means something is wrong with them, not you. This is just my unscientific opinion. We all have room to grow but when suddenly, everything in the world is wrong with you, well, that doesn’t seem fair does it? Also, it’s fairly unlikely assuming you are a full grown adult with a life that was functioning before this person came into your life.
No Coping Strategies Will Work
Fairly early on in the relationship, I began to try to modify my behavior in order to please the Bad Man. I became very measured in my words and watched my tone of voice. I focused all my attention on being a pleasing machine. I tried to meet his outrageous demands and… (if you are easily offended, please don’t read the next phrase) had sex like a circus monkey. Even that didn’t work. Nothing worked! Nothing stopped him from getting mad at me. Nothing stopped him from living in his warped reality where I was evil and he was the victim of me and my “horrid” ways. It was so tiring.
I left the Bad Man and his chaos in search of my own peace and an answer. I found the answers I needed here at LoveFraud. Really. I am not trying to get points here. I needed this explanation and thank God I found it. I still don’t know all of the Bad Man’s secrets but I know the biggest one. Bad Man definitely has a personality disorder, or two. Since I am not a clinician, I am unsure if he qualifies as a sociopath. I am SURE he qualifies as a borderline and a narcissist. Not too long ago, I believed that but still felt a little uncomfortable stating it because I wondered if saying he was an abuser made me the “drama queen” that he said I was. Now I know that calling me “drama queen” was a way to discredit me to others and to make me doubt myself and my own perceptions. That’s just one of the things I know today. I also know something else. “Drama” and chaos seem to follow the Bad Man wherever he goes. To this day, anytime I hear a man say he is looking for a woman with “no drama” it makes me wonder… about the man.
Jim,
13 year old daughters: so much fun!
When mine is preoccupied and not really listening I give outrageous options in a bid to get her to agree to something ridiculous.
“Would you like a slug sundae on the side dear?” “How’s that 10W30 working on your split ends?”…
That sorta thing makes her pay attention to what I say next!
Jim, Elizabeth, I know there is no easy way to get past all of this. I am fairly rational and I am SO stable that I realize now how stable and independent i have always been because of this horrible experience. BUT, this is over a year later and today I feel like it was yesterday. WHY? I feel better sometimes then 100 times worse other days.
I had a dream that I went to his house (which we built together) by driving my Hummer into his living room feeling the anxiety of what if he is home and he sees I am here……. He walked calmly downstairs with that look of disgust and looking right through me like I wasn’t even there. I was pleading with him to show me how to get the HUMMER out, for soem reaosn I couldn’t go out the way I came in, there were steps and I couldn’t fit through the fornt or back door. In the meantime he was having a big ole redneck party in his backyard with all his new biker friends and x cons….. I felt so alone and left out. Still the HUMMER was in the house.
WHat does this mean?
Keeping Faith,
I think that what you went through was really, really bad.
I read somewhere that people who lose their spouse should expect to need 1 year of recovery for every 5 years they were together. This is regardless of the circumstances.
Your experience sounds 10 times more stressful than just losing a spouse. Are you getting any professional help? I think it would be completely justifiable and rational for you to do just that.
You might need the temporary help of an anti-depressant to help you stop thinking about this guy. Sometimes when we are suffering post traumatic stress disorder, emotions remind us of bad memories which intensify the emotions, and we’re caught in a “feedback loop” we can’t break on our own.
Is this what is happening? Does feeling sad make you think of the S, making you sadder still? Does feeling angry make you think of the S, making you angrier still? Does feeling helpless… You get the point! This can be a hard cycle to break on your own. Medication can help, and you don’t have to take the anti-depressants forever, just for 3-9 months.
Anyway, I’m not a mental health professional. It’s a good idea to consult with one when you’re suffering for as long as you have. You could be establishing thought/feeling/behavior patterns/habits that are not good for you. The longer they are with you, they harder they’ll be to break.
keeping_faith…well, three years later (I mentioned on another thread) I had a nightmare that my demon ex-tox was in my bed with a third arm and clawed hand reaching out for me…woke up in a cold sweat…
At 12-18 months after the seperation/discard…and I couldn’t do full NC because of my daughter…I was still running tapes in my head, and having dreams/nightmares.
The “light bulb” didn’t go on for me for about 18 months.
Now I can look back and laugh, most of the time. Or, I guess the way to look at it….what “rational” dreams could surface from a time that was so irrational.
At least you could wake up and realize you are no longer there…that’s a good thing.
Maybe somebody smarter than me could have a better explanation. I’m not really certified…but glad you’re here, lots of good people…and you’ll probably hear from Elizabeth first…I think she thinks and types faster than me.
Hi keeping_faith,
I have posted earlier asking others if they had dreams about the s because I have them frequently and they are pretty vivid and full of bad feelings. It was interesting to see that you have a dream where you go to his house and it’s all weird.
I have had dreams too where I go to his house and he is all sad because his current wife has left him. Then he starts professing his love and that I am the only one for him, blah, blah, like he used to drone when we were together in real life. Then I believe him (in the dream) and feel kinda happy, yet there is small suspicion that something is not right. Then he tells me to go down this plank type of thing and he pushes me off the plank and I realize that he pushed me to my death. I see his face as I am falling and he has this vacant look on his face.
Another variation on the dream: he is telling me all these flatteries and words of love. Then this warning goes off in my head and a very loud inner voice tells me “look at his eyes carefully when he says I love you”. So I zoom into his eyes as he says I love you and want to be with you forever and this sheer terror comes over me; his eyes are dead, there is a Hannibal Lecter expression in them. It’s like suspended animation. Then I wake up crying.
I have real hard time keeping things resl and grounded in my head. Sometimes I feel like living with the s for 7 years was a major hallucination or delusion. Sometimes I question if he really was a s, or am I making him out to be a monster. Then my logical self tells me it was all real and he is who he is; something not quite human. There are very few people who really know what he really is. On the outside he is successful tenured professor, he is married and he is buying a house. I have no hard proof that he is a monster. He has never lost control, beat me or anything like that while we were together. He always remained calm and composed. Unlike many sociopaths he never borrowed money or lived off of me or stole from me (except tried to steal my sanity). He was always super decent and helpful, loyal and loving from the outside. There was just this incredible reptilian sinisterness and self serving drive within him that could never be seen to anyone that did not live with him.
Elizabeth, Jim,
I have been seeing a therapist for over a year. he has confirmed PTSD. Each time I see him I ask him if I’m crazy and he just laughs. He said “it’s what the sociopath wants you to believe. he’s a pathalogical liar who did a mojor mind fuc* on you. This is not abnormal and your healing and time to heal will be consistent with the depth with which you allowed him in your head and heart.” So That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. LOL
I was using Lexapro, upped the dosage and still it didn’t help. So I stopped. It’s the whole facade that angers me. The apearance of someone normal and healthy. The appearance of a normal relationship but that can’t be possible right? How did his x wife put up with it for 26 years? I HAD to speak to the woman he had the affair with because I NEEDED to confirm that it wasn’t just me….. and I did confirm that. SO WHY DO I STILL FEEL some responsibility or blame or like I did something wrong????
I re-read about my own dream and started laughing. it’s almost rediculously clear….. Here I am stuck in this house (this relationship) with no where to go, begging him to set me free and he is totally disregarding me as all his trashy friends enjoy the house I put together. And I stood there worrying about him calliing the police after all the things he did, and lies he told…… could be investigated by the FBI for impersonating an agent and SEAL.
I was only with him for about two years. Previously I was married for 22 years. It is almost taking me as long to heal as i was with this idiot. He has wasted enough of my time…..maybe that’s where I should post my anger and let all his other crap go. How do i do that?
Dreams and their meanings –
Dreams can be the way aspects of our personality we’re not entirely aware of work things out.
When I have a dream that repeats itself, I think about it until I understand what it means.
Sometimes it’s obvious what it means, but the dream is about a fear I haven’t totally overcome yet. The dream doesn’t stop just because I understand it. I have to find a way to make the frightened aspects of myself feel more secure.
You probably know of Moms who spray “monster spray” under the bed before lights out to make their kid feel safe. I’m sure you know folks who still cling to their teddy bear. There are things I have to tell my inner child or do for her in order to make her feel safe. Since she usually gets over it in a while, it’s not like these things equate to lifelong compulsions. If I need a night-light, sleep with my husband’s sweaty shirt under the pillow during a deployment, give the dog foot of the bed privileges or read fluffy novels before bed for a few months – so what! It works for me. Maybe something like this will work for you.
greenfern, We have many similarities. he too puts up this facade of super helper and resuing people etc….. no one sees it is to his gain or advantage because he OWNS people.
THe dreams too are similar. Most of the time they start out very loving and I am so happy and we are either setting up house or making love and it’s all wonderful. Then he will accuse me of something I didn’t do and will rage or disregard me and I am starting to feel anxious and trying to make him understand…… then it all goes down hill from there.
He is not human. I think he has been abusive his whole life. I want to believe he is doing the same to his current trahsy girlfriend and his wife also tolerated his bad cheating abusive beahvior because she too needed him financially. he owns people….. BUT he had a steroid induced heart attack this past year. He lost his job in the fall. All that he owns was given to him or he won in a lawsuit……. if Liane Leedom is right, he can’t possibly be successful or hold onto this house for much longer. He will continue to behave badly and will inevitably fail. All I have to count on is fate.
Hey Elizabeth, Can you send a can of anti-antisocial spray over to VA for me? Thanks, I needed that laugh. Maybe I need to visualize spraying him with something similar to a can of lyson everytime I think of him or have a flashback…..SERIOUSLY. Can of lysol, can of anti-antisocial spray, can of woop ass !!!!!!
keeping_faith,
OK girlfriend, don’t throttle me! I’m about to say something totally annoying but hopefully helpful.
Are you a bit hard on yourself? Do you expect a lot of yourself, maybe more than you expect from others?
This is just a guess, and it could be off base.
It sounds like the Therapist is a good egg, so keep him.
There’s an aspect of yourself that is really giving you fits over this. My guess is that it’s a virtue of yours, not a vice. Something like a conscience, high personal standards, or something of the like.
You’ve got really hard work to do. I hate to take anything away from your therapist, but it may be that you’re going to have to come to terms with yourself – by yourself.
OK, I said it. I bet that sounded like an unsympathetic “Sux 2 B U!” Actually, I really do sympathize. I just think you’re going to work this out by yourself soon.