By AlohaTraveler
I work at a children’s shelter. One day last summer, we were playing dodge ball with the children and it made me think about the Bad Man. When we play dodge ball, we divide the teams children against counselors. To play the game, we divide the basketball court in half with the mid line being the divide between territories and we use six balls. When the referee blows the whistle to start the game, balls begin flying in every direction, someone is “OUT!” and the heated arguments ensue (from the children of course, we adults keep our heads) about the rules and who threw what? Was their foot over the line? Was it before or after “TIME OUT” was called? Which player was “out” first? In other words, it is complete and total chaos. I hate when they defer to me and ask what I saw. Ummm … I saw people running all over the place and balls bouncing and then someone shouted “TIME OUT!” Whom that was, I don’t know. Which team was it that was tagged first? What color was the ball that made the first impact? Sheesh! This is hard. I am a terrible referee! I can’t process all this information at once. EXACTLY.
Mental Gymnastics otherwise known as “Being Kept Off Balance” or “Crazy Making”
This is how it was with the Bad Man. Complete and total chaos. “Balls” coming at me from every direction and constantly being told I crossed the line somewhere. Just like with children, the rules and the lines were changing all the time. Breaking the “rules” was totally unavoidable. I couldn’t keep anything straight. He claimed I yelled at him. Did I? I don’t remember that. He claimed I was “out of line” and “out of control.” Was I? I wasn’t sure. I admit I was upset. I admit I was hurt. I became confused in the midst of the chaos. There was so much coming at me!
At first, I reacted to everything. However, it didn’t take long before I stopped reacting because I didn’t know what to react to. I often woke up to tirades over email and the sheer volume of accusations were just completely mind boggling. Sometimes, I tried to understand where he was coming from. Other times, I attempted to apologize but for what, I was not sure. Apologies never worked anyway. Bad Man would say, “You didn’t even apologize for the RIGHT thing.” Or “You missed something in your apology.” If I asked, “What did I miss?” he would tell me, “I am NOT going there with you.” Okay.
After one or two episodes in which I dared to be angered by his outrageous attacks and accusations, I changed my tactic because being angry and arguing my side made things worse. I began to be very careful. I had a sense that he was taking apart my reality but at the time, I didn’t really have words for that. Instinctively, I started stepping ever so carefully. It was not because I thought I could avoid the attacks coming out of him. I gave that idea up quickly. I became careful and measured with my words and my tone because I wanted to be sure of whom I was being in the moment. If I was mad or outraged, then I would be unsure of what I said and how I said it. So, I became a ZEN master of sorts. I stayed in the moment. I was careful not to lose my head in anger or frustration. That way, I could be sure, at least for myself, that I had not been out of control. Not that this made any difference.
A big part of emotional/psychological abuse is something called “keeping the victim off balance.” The abuser is always changing his demands, his rules, his desires. You will know you are being abused in this way when you are trying with all your might to make your partner happy, nothing you do is good enough and “everything is your fault.” You will know you are being abused when you are in constant defense of your character. You will know you are being abused when you ask yourself, “If he hates everything about me, then why does he stay?”
Reality Show
When I was with the Bad Man, I started to wish that everything that was happening between us was being recorded. That way, I could go back to the tapes when he started rewriting history to suit himself. I often asked myself, “How could he possibly say that is what happened?” If this sounds familiar, it’s a sure sign that you were deep in the throes of “Crazy Making.” As you start to doubt yourself, you begin to feel as if you are losing your mind. An Abuser’s version of what happened will be fixed like super glue with no room to budge an inch. Not one. This nearly drove me mad! The Bad Man was always imagining himself as the victim of me! And no amount of talking could convince him that he had any part in breakdown-of-the-day. ARGH!
I believe that anytime you notice these kinds of dynamics with anyone, a boss, your mother, a lover, it means something is wrong with them, not you. This is just my unscientific opinion. We all have room to grow but when suddenly, everything in the world is wrong with you, well, that doesn’t seem fair does it? Also, it’s fairly unlikely assuming you are a full grown adult with a life that was functioning before this person came into your life.
No Coping Strategies Will Work
Fairly early on in the relationship, I began to try to modify my behavior in order to please the Bad Man. I became very measured in my words and watched my tone of voice. I focused all my attention on being a pleasing machine. I tried to meet his outrageous demands and… (if you are easily offended, please don’t read the next phrase) had sex like a circus monkey. Even that didn’t work. Nothing worked! Nothing stopped him from getting mad at me. Nothing stopped him from living in his warped reality where I was evil and he was the victim of me and my “horrid” ways. It was so tiring.
I left the Bad Man and his chaos in search of my own peace and an answer. I found the answers I needed here at LoveFraud. Really. I am not trying to get points here. I needed this explanation and thank God I found it. I still don’t know all of the Bad Man’s secrets but I know the biggest one. Bad Man definitely has a personality disorder, or two. Since I am not a clinician, I am unsure if he qualifies as a sociopath. I am SURE he qualifies as a borderline and a narcissist. Not too long ago, I believed that but still felt a little uncomfortable stating it because I wondered if saying he was an abuser made me the “drama queen” that he said I was. Now I know that calling me “drama queen” was a way to discredit me to others and to make me doubt myself and my own perceptions. That’s just one of the things I know today. I also know something else. “Drama” and chaos seem to follow the Bad Man wherever he goes. To this day, anytime I hear a man say he is looking for a woman with “no drama” it makes me wonder… about the man.
Lifevest…that was my Moms fate for many years. Although she did not have dangerous/psychopathic traits toward me. I know your pain from another angle, but its really all the same in the end. Very prominent/dominant mixed feelings. Im glad you found LF, I wish I had others to talk to through all those confusing years – I had god to share it with and help me thru. We all do. Your daughter does too. Im sorry for your pain and loss. Realizing its out of our hands eases the NC just a bit. My prayers are with you!
Dear Lifevest,
Sounds like you and I are in the same boat, only spawn of Satan is only 38, tomorrow if I remember correctly. I finally came to grips with “losing” that wonderful toddler and young preteen who was so much fun and so bring—he died. The child is dead and the man who “received his organs in a transplant” is no more my “son” than a total stranger would be just because he has the organs.
I even had my own little “private memorial service” to commemorate the departure of my baby. Funerals are for the living in any case. I guess it might seem “silly” to others to “bury” someone who is still breathing, but that’s what I did.
In some ways I think it was much harder than if he had physically died, at least I would have had some conventional “closure” with the neighbors bringing covered dishes and saying “Oh, I am so sorry.” People do’t know what to say if they know your kid is a psychopath…”I’m sorry you gave birth to Rosemary’s baby, too bad?” LOL
What would Ann Landers or Dear Abby or Heloise or Miss Manners say was the “proper way to console someone” in a situation like that?
I’m glad you are here Lifevest. This is a very healing place and no matter WHAT your particular run ins with the Ps, there is someone here who can relate to it. Becoming P-FREE (getting the other toxic people and their dupes out of my life) has given me, finally, after all these years of chaos room to breathe and to heal.
Sometimes I almost feel “drunk” with happiness, or like something is “strange”—and I look around and there is NO CHAOS, no drama, my life is so calm and yet fun. It’s not boring at all, but yet sometimes I feel like I am “missing something”—I’m not sure WHAT I am missing but it is like when you throw out a piece of tired furniture you have had for ages and the room looks so much better, but when you go through that room, even though it looks great, you still feel like “something is missing’ from that room. That’s about the only way I can describe it. (the feeling)
Jim, try the Hagis while you are there. Also if you get a chance to see the fuzzy coos be sure and do so. I had planned a trip to Scotland on the way back fromAfrica last year but then put it off to this year and with the stock market crash and the 401K going away, the only way I can get there now is to ride Fat or Hairy, and I’m not sure they could swim that far! Oh, well….I can at least look out the back door and see the remainder of my herd of fuzzy coos and pretend I am in Scotland, or take my Border Collie out for a drive with the goats he thinks belong to him….and my son C has a kilt and looks really bonnie in it!
Me being a skillet weilding old bat should have tipped ye off that I am Scottish to the bone! If the Scots could have stopped fighting among themselves, they would have ruled the world! LOL
Oxy…I’ll try to get fuzzy coo picks. I read that while in Ireland, it’s best now to pretend to be Canadian…they’re a little upset about their economy and blame us.
The 401K? When not on LF, I like to look around for interesting “global economy” stories. An “expert” from the Blackstone Group said yesterday that an estimated 45% of “global wealth” had “disappeared” in the last 18 months…where did it go? Did it evaporate? Did it ever really exist? Was it due to global warming? Was it “psychopath wealth?” A big lie…to steal everybody “normal”‘s wealth.
And the US stock market goes up 300 points two days ago…because Victim Panda of Citigroup and Jimmy Diamonds of JPMorgan Chase tell us they’re “profitable” and see “small signs of recovery.” Like they’ve never lied to us before…..?
LOL…psychopaths…watch what they DO, not what they SAY!
Anyway…I’m ranting….watching psycopaths work on the grand scale…leaving in their wake a trail of victims. Time for the clans to unite, shine up the pitchforks (and skillets), and take back the world….LOL
Jim,
All joking aside, I firmly believe the psychopaths who were financial gurus and the P-politicians and the idiots they duped are 100% responsible for the shape we are in right now. The greed of these people knows no bounds and they have simply milked the cow (the people) without feeding it properly until their source of wealth is dried up and dying. Now each is pointing fingers at the other, and even blaming the poor cow! In the meantime, they are throwing hay (stimulus) to EACH OTHER hoping that will revive the cow! LOL
When I am dictator and run the country, it may not be better, but it would SURE BE DIFFERENT! Vote for Oxy for Dictator for Life!!!!! LOL
Thanks, Jim, although to be fair I can’t take credit for “gloom cookie.” My sister picked that one up somewhere as a description for teenage goths, you know the ones who wear lots of black lace, velvet, and walk around spouting depressing poetry. I’ve adopted it as a description for anyone who is very negative all the time.
Henry – I think it’s so funny that the S’s always seem to have some dramatic parting statement that they think is supposed to be an insult to you. I can just picture your ex-S standing in the doorway saying, “you will never meet someone like me again,” then sweeping dramatically out the door. He’s thinking, “ha! Let him chew on that and realize he’s letting a prize like me get away,” while you’re thinking, “man, I hope he’s right, better buy a gun just in case.”
Anybody else have some good parting lines? My ex-S’s dramatic exit line was, “one day you’ll figure out who you are, you’ll realize I knew you better than you knew yourself and you’ll come looking for me.” He was partially correct, I did figure out who I was, but it had the opposite effect of what he imagined.
Oxy – So, NC stands for “no contact,” “not caring,” and “no chaos”?
Oxy…you got my vote SURE BE DIFFERENT! Change we can hope for! LOL (and I think you got the “financial crisis” pegged).
Midnight_Reflection….so I can use “gloom cookie” as it’s in the public domain? How about “criticism convention”? My Australian mate gave me permission to use “monkeygrooming”, too. I really don’t have any “original” material…with google…who does? Why, even Joe Biden……
NC…NC3…to the third power…it grows stronger, and so do we!
Parting shot…well the old standby…”Don’t let the door hit yer Fat or Hairy on the way out” is good.
Today I had an epiphany; a breakthrough of sorts. I always hated myself for crying because I was so hurt. I hated it because I knew he enjoyed it. I hated myself for being weak and for that weakness to show. This morning as I was crying on my bathroom floor once again, I realized that it wasn’t weakness. My tears were there to wash my heart and soul clean. I realized that every tear brought me closer to freedom from him. I realized that that crying doesn’t make me weaker; it makes me stronger.
Dear Midnight,
Yep, NC is LF-speak for NO CONTACT, but NO CHAOS IS THE RESULT OF NO CONTACT, and so eventually we will after a while get to NOT CARING as well. It is sort of a progression, but first you must go NO CONTACT so that the BRAIN FOG can clean and you can start to heal because there is NO CHAOS in your life….after enough time, one day you will wake up and realize that you really do NOT CARE for them any more.
I’m pretty much “there to NOT CARING” with most of mine (the Ps), but I do realize that I still have somer residual anger with my egg donor, so I am not to NOT CARING with her yet. I am working on it though, and I do KNOW that if I stay NO CONTACT AND NO CHAOS eventually I will get to the NOT CARING part.
Today is my P-son’s 38th birthday so I am doing some relection of my own, but am happily suprised that the grabbing and clutching muscle responses in my abdomen are strangely abscent from me today (I vividly recall they were still there last year). So the improvement in the last year (using this day as a marker I can remember—and with CRS putting “dates” to things is diffcult! LOL) If you don’t know what CRS is, it is “can’t remember chit!” LOL Especially with dates! Now that I am not employed, one day is about like another. Don’t even look at the calendar often, much less the day of the week! Wouldn’t know if I didn’t have my medications in a little box marked with the initials of the days of the week, or know what time it is if the microwave didn’t tell me when I reheat a cup of coffee I had set down and forgotten til it got cold!
A guy with a tremendous sense of humor came by the other day with a friend and I was looking for my coffee cup, and finally figured out I had put it in the microwave to reheat and forgotten it in there. He said “Yea, you can use a microwave to COOL COFFEE, it just TAKES LONGER.” I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA CHOKE ON THE LAUGHTER!!! Sharp guy! Great sense of humor—and guess what, he isn’t married, so who knows….maybe he will come back by sometime! Wouldn’t that be a hoot!
DEar Sabinne!!!!
WOOOO! WOOOOO! You are getting it kiddo!!!! Yes, yes, YES!!!!!
You have the capicity to wash yourself clean, to cleanse your heart from the pain and grief of the betrayal. He can’t CRY REAL TEARS, he doesn’t have the ability to care enough to cry real honest tears! All he can feel is frustration, rage and anger that he doesn’t get what he wants from you!
Your tears are your strength because your heart is your strength! YOU WILL OVERCOME!!!! TOWANDA!!!!! ((((HUGS))))) AND ALWAYS PRAYERS!
Midnight…There were so many “final” parting lines…Ive lost track. I was always trying/wanting to say goodbye and when i thought I was finally successful…Poof…there he would be again. I was SO foolish…
Anyway, I would bore you with number of jobs, quitting, getting fired, layed off, career changes, grandiose ideas of new businesses, self-employed, jobs he went through and I supported, each time believing he was finally on his way…After the 5th or 6th one, I finally started seeing the pattern. But when things pretty much were kaput between us, he contacted me and said guess what? I said can I at least have a hint? He said work! I said you quit again? He said nope… I got an Agent and Im going to be an Actor. I nearly fell off my chair. I instinctively replied, you know what , I honestly think its a perfect career for you, you are flawless at it! He said well I had my first audition in NY yesterday for some NFL training video and I was really nervous, but I think Ill get it because of my looks and my body. I said I wish you all the best, I really do. He said – well I just wanted you to know, because I can see it now, one day you will be laying in bed next to your new boyfriend and there I’ll be in the room with you on the TV Screen! I was quick to respond…Nah, tv wont be on, Ill be too busy with my new boyfriend! .
Anyway that was around October/Nov. Im sure hes moved on to some other “career” by now. Ive been NC since 12/25. Best present Ive ever given myself…wish I had done it sooner, but I was all wrapped up in emotions and self-doubt and confusion and feeling like he needed someone to help him. He needs to grow up, be responsible, respectful, and he needs to help himself. I needed to protect myself, I didnt. But now, WOW, Im all about self love/help, respect/trust. Better late than never….my future is back in the palm of MY hands, where it belongs! I still feel I have a long way to go, but I really can see how far I’ve come and the journey ahead will be what I make of it with all Ive learned and continue to learn and ACT on it.