By AlohaTraveler
I work at a children’s shelter. One day last summer, we were playing dodge ball with the children and it made me think about the Bad Man. When we play dodge ball, we divide the teams children against counselors. To play the game, we divide the basketball court in half with the mid line being the divide between territories and we use six balls. When the referee blows the whistle to start the game, balls begin flying in every direction, someone is “OUT!” and the heated arguments ensue (from the children of course, we adults keep our heads) about the rules and who threw what? Was their foot over the line? Was it before or after “TIME OUT” was called? Which player was “out” first? In other words, it is complete and total chaos. I hate when they defer to me and ask what I saw. Ummm … I saw people running all over the place and balls bouncing and then someone shouted “TIME OUT!” Whom that was, I don’t know. Which team was it that was tagged first? What color was the ball that made the first impact? Sheesh! This is hard. I am a terrible referee! I can’t process all this information at once. EXACTLY.
Mental Gymnastics otherwise known as “Being Kept Off Balance” or “Crazy Making”
This is how it was with the Bad Man. Complete and total chaos. “Balls” coming at me from every direction and constantly being told I crossed the line somewhere. Just like with children, the rules and the lines were changing all the time. Breaking the “rules” was totally unavoidable. I couldn’t keep anything straight. He claimed I yelled at him. Did I? I don’t remember that. He claimed I was “out of line” and “out of control.” Was I? I wasn’t sure. I admit I was upset. I admit I was hurt. I became confused in the midst of the chaos. There was so much coming at me!
At first, I reacted to everything. However, it didn’t take long before I stopped reacting because I didn’t know what to react to. I often woke up to tirades over email and the sheer volume of accusations were just completely mind boggling. Sometimes, I tried to understand where he was coming from. Other times, I attempted to apologize but for what, I was not sure. Apologies never worked anyway. Bad Man would say, “You didn’t even apologize for the RIGHT thing.” Or “You missed something in your apology.” If I asked, “What did I miss?” he would tell me, “I am NOT going there with you.” Okay.
After one or two episodes in which I dared to be angered by his outrageous attacks and accusations, I changed my tactic because being angry and arguing my side made things worse. I began to be very careful. I had a sense that he was taking apart my reality but at the time, I didn’t really have words for that. Instinctively, I started stepping ever so carefully. It was not because I thought I could avoid the attacks coming out of him. I gave that idea up quickly. I became careful and measured with my words and my tone because I wanted to be sure of whom I was being in the moment. If I was mad or outraged, then I would be unsure of what I said and how I said it. So, I became a ZEN master of sorts. I stayed in the moment. I was careful not to lose my head in anger or frustration. That way, I could be sure, at least for myself, that I had not been out of control. Not that this made any difference.
A big part of emotional/psychological abuse is something called “keeping the victim off balance.” The abuser is always changing his demands, his rules, his desires. You will know you are being abused in this way when you are trying with all your might to make your partner happy, nothing you do is good enough and “everything is your fault.” You will know you are being abused when you are in constant defense of your character. You will know you are being abused when you ask yourself, “If he hates everything about me, then why does he stay?”
Reality Show
When I was with the Bad Man, I started to wish that everything that was happening between us was being recorded. That way, I could go back to the tapes when he started rewriting history to suit himself. I often asked myself, “How could he possibly say that is what happened?” If this sounds familiar, it’s a sure sign that you were deep in the throes of “Crazy Making.” As you start to doubt yourself, you begin to feel as if you are losing your mind. An Abuser’s version of what happened will be fixed like super glue with no room to budge an inch. Not one. This nearly drove me mad! The Bad Man was always imagining himself as the victim of me! And no amount of talking could convince him that he had any part in breakdown-of-the-day. ARGH!
I believe that anytime you notice these kinds of dynamics with anyone, a boss, your mother, a lover, it means something is wrong with them, not you. This is just my unscientific opinion. We all have room to grow but when suddenly, everything in the world is wrong with you, well, that doesn’t seem fair does it? Also, it’s fairly unlikely assuming you are a full grown adult with a life that was functioning before this person came into your life.
No Coping Strategies Will Work
Fairly early on in the relationship, I began to try to modify my behavior in order to please the Bad Man. I became very measured in my words and watched my tone of voice. I focused all my attention on being a pleasing machine. I tried to meet his outrageous demands and… (if you are easily offended, please don’t read the next phrase) had sex like a circus monkey. Even that didn’t work. Nothing worked! Nothing stopped him from getting mad at me. Nothing stopped him from living in his warped reality where I was evil and he was the victim of me and my “horrid” ways. It was so tiring.
I left the Bad Man and his chaos in search of my own peace and an answer. I found the answers I needed here at LoveFraud. Really. I am not trying to get points here. I needed this explanation and thank God I found it. I still don’t know all of the Bad Man’s secrets but I know the biggest one. Bad Man definitely has a personality disorder, or two. Since I am not a clinician, I am unsure if he qualifies as a sociopath. I am SURE he qualifies as a borderline and a narcissist. Not too long ago, I believed that but still felt a little uncomfortable stating it because I wondered if saying he was an abuser made me the “drama queen” that he said I was. Now I know that calling me “drama queen” was a way to discredit me to others and to make me doubt myself and my own perceptions. That’s just one of the things I know today. I also know something else. “Drama” and chaos seem to follow the Bad Man wherever he goes. To this day, anytime I hear a man say he is looking for a woman with “no drama” it makes me wonder… about the man.
nic:
The first question I have is did you or did you not sign a property settlement agreement whereby you agreed to take on the house and he agreed to take on the rental property. If you did, you are in all likelihood bound by its terms.
If you did not, then the house and the rental property go into the “marital community pot”. You need actual current values on the property, before you can even apportion ownership/debt interests in the property.
Assuming he incurred the student loans before you were married, in all likelihood those will be his responsiblity.
Regarading the credit cards, any debt traceable to each of you before the marriage is your individual responsibility. Anything acquired after the marriage goes into the community pot.
You are in the uneviable position of asking yourself exactly what you want out of this. If you are looking to avoid being saddled with marital debt, your best bet is to go into this with the approach of “we sell everything, net it against the debts and clear it.” You do not want to find yourself with an agreement that says “my ex will pay 50 percent of the debt.” He will not pay it and you will be on the hook for it. The banks do not care what your agreement is between you. They want their money.
This goes back to the problems you have been having with regarding visitiation of your daughter. From what you have said, you have been letting him violate the terms of the agreement letting him have Wednesday visitiation when the agreement very clearly says he has visitation every other Saturday.
Your ex has conclusively proven he will not follow any agreement he enters into. You have to decide what exactly you want RIGHT NOW. If you don’t get it up front with him, you will never see it and you will be chasing him forever. More to the point, if you settle up front, he will get bored and move on from your life. And you will get the happier future you deserve.
Thanks Matt:
I will be speaking to my atty tomorrow but I just wanted to know if anyone knew any info. The settlement we came up with did divide the property but he isn’t signing it and his lawyer isn’t responding. So now I want to get rid of the house and I don’t want to be held on the hook for it by myself. We bought this house together. I would have never bought this house on my own. Trial dates will be set next month.
I don’t see how him taking out student loans during our marriage would be joint. I am not benefitting from his student loans. He has been in school forever…and get this his mistress is in the same program. He is making all of the money and I am not getting anything but court ordered child support. He has been living it up with credit cards…vacationing, he bought a new lexus, etc. so that would be extremely cruel for me to have to take on his debt.
Ox: I didn’t get a dime of the money from the refi. The judge ordered me to sign his refi papers. I guess I will sleep on it and wait to talk with my atty tomorrow.
Thanks
Dear Nic,
RE_read what matt said ANY DEBT INCURRED DURING THE MARRIAGE IS A MARITAL DEBT.
The thing is that you agreed for him to take out the student loans while you were married, presumably so he would get an education and make a better living….but baby, you are boinked by those unless you get a senile judge or your soon-to-be-x grows a halo! That is the thing that people don’t see when they get married (or not) and mingle their finances with total trust—with legal authority. Whew!
Talk to your attorney and Matt may be right, you may be better off selling everything and putting what assets you have from them into the pot and hope like heck that they cover most or all of the debt. Sometimes, like here in Arkansas, debts that are made by one party AFTER the filing for divorce are NOT counted as marital debts, but just after the separation (however it happens) if there are no papers filed it is every man/woamn for themselves, and you know what the Ps do—they start making the grab.
After my son’s then-wife was arrested for trying to kill him and was in jail, since everything they had was in both their names he sold the car he had borrowed the money from my egg donor to buy, repaid the egg donor the proceeds of that sale (lost a bundle on that one) “sold” his car to my egg donor as well, to get it out of joint names, emptied the house of what he wanted and the rest went to the dump or a garage sale, paid the utility bills she had not paid for 2-3 months, etc. and took off. Since their house was on the family trust lands, the he and the then-wife were actually renters so she had no claim to the house (we set the trust up that way when we built the house, she had no money in it except the rent they paid monthly to the trust.) But, in the process she had taken $24,000 of my egg donor’s money (we got back most of that) and he was on the hook to my egg donor for the money for the two cars, back rent, utility bills and moving expenses. He has been paying on that since he left and is about paid out now to the egg donor. We just sold his car and transferred title and that money will go to the egg donor to pay off the rest of his debt to her. He doesn’t owe anyone anything else.
He’s working for me now for room and board and walking around money (not much) but he is using his time wisely and for his healing process and working at odd jobs for others when they come up. He needs the time to “contemplate the lint in his navel” which he has not had since the day of her arrest. He has worked 60-80 hour weeks since then until he came home.
I strongly admire you people who go through this and still hold on to a job, take care of your kids and fight this out in divorce court. I am AMAZED at how strong you are to go through all of this day in day out and NOT end up in a rubber room. You all tell me how “strong” I am, but you know, I have had a lot of advantages that you haven’t. One is I have not had to contend with a very demanding job, and I have not had to comfort small children when they are frightened in the night, or deal with a teenager learning to drive. I retired after my husband died (I tried to work for 3 months) and I couldn’t do it and function with people’s lives in my hands. I thought long and hard about retiring, because my profession IS A BIG PART OF WHO I AM, but at the same time, I knew it was dangerous for me to work with NO Short term memory and not much judgment from the insanity, and that was ONLY AFTER MY HUSBAND DIED, not with this crap with my egg donor and my sons and DIL and the Trojan HOrse Psychopath who were out to kill me. Sheesh, you guys are amazing@.......!!!!! I feel like putty compared to you all!
I don’t have any problem “man handling” a stubborn donkey, cause I know it isn’t the end of the world but you guys take care of your children and do your jobs and “keep up” a front of sanity when you feel like sucking your thumb in the fetal position! I am amazed at you all and I want you to know how much I admire you all for keeping it together like you do. Even when you feel like you are falling apart, you still get up, comb your hair and go to work, or the lawyers etc.
Hang in there Nic, you will make it, you are stronger than the old bat weilding the skillet and riding the jack ass! You are ONE TOUGH WOMAN!!!! TOWANDA!!!!!
Dear Akitameg,
You wrote something about anxiety days… days in which you start to doubt yourself and wonder if it was all your fault.
It wasn’t yesterday and it isn’t today.
Don’t worry dear one. I used to loop through those kinds of days. I do believe in time it will be gone.
Through my own healing process, I have become stronger and my ability to assess people and call “it” as I see it… even if I do it quietly inside myself… has improved. My “picker” has improved too.
I know a dangerous person when I see one… and I know the difference between “me and you”… by that I mean… when I feel bad vibes between me and anyone… I am now more sure of myself. I back away from people that seem off and I don’t get sucked into thinking I need to change or try to understand where a person is coming from… when they are being abusive, narcissistic, inappropriate… blah blah.
Anyway, what I am trying to say is that I had those days too where I started to wonder if I made this all up… or was it really me.. and those days lingered for a long time. But they are gone now.
Those kind of doubting days will eventually go away as the lessons sink in and you evolve into the wonderfully confident woman you are meant to be.
That’s what I think anyway. :o)
One more thing… I think you all are so amazing and incredible and wonderful!
I am so inspired by the learning and the healing that is here a LF and so thankful to be part of this community.
Where would we be in our healing if this forum did not exist? I shudder to think!
All the best to all of you and I will continue to try to keep up ion things… but I think I need glasses now from all this late night reading.
:o)
Aloha
This is my first post. I was married to a S for over 19 years and escaped only because he ended up in jail from stealing from my parents living trust. The kids and I had 3 years of freedom, a new home and on welfare and food stamps. My Mom had passed in 2003 just shortly after my now ex went to jail.
Sadly he found us again and took the kids and I had the option of never seeing them again or going as well so stupidly I moved to another state.
He of course said he had been in treatment, taking his meds, and yada, yada, Bu!!$— and now here we are stuck in a house with him living downstairs and us living upstairs. The kids have fianlly seen the light. Now granted they are now 18 and 22, but years and years of emotional, psychological and living with a S affected them greatly, as it did me as well.
Yes I was stupid to come up here and give up everything, we finally got a section 8 home, but I was afraid to lose them and never see them again. I had already lost my oldest as he did not understand why I stayed so long in this crazy relationship, and why when we finally escaped, did I go back. I have tried to tell him I did not go back to him, but to keep brother and sisters safe, well as safe as I could.
Anyway, we have been begging and pleading with the trust attorney to give me my inheritance. Mom died in Jan 2003 and I have received nothing. She has made me pay back the 150,000.00 he stole from the trust by not giving me anything until she feels I have paid for what he stole. We have realized that once again he has sung us one too many songs. I am on SSI and can not work, in fact I almost died last year. I asked again for my inheritance and all I got back was a letter, and of course the trust was billed for that, sayong that there is a spend thrift clause in the trust and she won’t give me the money. How in God’s name is wanting a normal life in a different state with something we own, like our own home, peace of mind and freedom from him finally, spendthrift?
She is just as controlling as my ex was and is, and now we are really trapped….does anyone have any suggestions other than hire an attorney because I have no money and legal aid does not handle probate matters……
I volunteer at a domestic abuse shelter, because on top of being a S he has abused us every way you can.
For 18 long years he ruined my credit, used my SS number for more credit cards, my kids SS numbers as well. We lost everything we ever had and 3 years ago started to pick up things through the grace of others, but I can not do this again.
How do I convince this attorney to give me my inheritance so we can go back to where we know we will be safe?
This state is is not it, as he beat on my third oldest, she is 22 and the cops did nothing…….now what? I get so upset over all this, as the kids and I do, because it is so unfair.
peggy2176il
Dear Peggy,
Welcome to lovefraud, you are in the RIGHT PLACE. This is a safe and good healing community. Glad you arrived here, just sorry that you have so many reasons for being here.
There is an attorney on this site, Matt, who is a good guy, so we will put out a plea for his advice. ((((hugs)))) and my prayers for you!
MATT, HELP PEGGY!!!!!
I Met Patricia Meggin Ryan-Morrissette of Milwaukee, Wisconsin through yahoo personals in Sept/07. Dated and eventually married in June/08. She lied about her financial condition. After married 30 days, she advised me her home had been foreclosed several months prior and was up for public auction in 48 hours. I took my lifes savings out of my IRA and paid the mortgage delinquencies in excess of $19,000. She contributed nothing. After 30 days, Patty kicked me to the curb, filed false child abuse charges against me and initiated divorce proceedings. She hasn’t spoken to me since. She is wicked, ruthless, cunning and evil. She is a drunk and has an extremely violent and abusive temper. Her 17 yo daughter Imani, who didn’t even live with us seems to have been complicient in the scheme.
I didn’t do a financial check because I believed in her. I fell unconditionally in love with her and still am. I have forgiven her, but she won’t even give me the courtesy of acknowledging or responding to my attempts to communicate with her. She won’t even tell me if she ever loved or cared about me or allow me closure. She broke my heart into a million pieces, yet I still miss and want her. She has no idea of what true love and committment is all about and refuses me any compassion at all. I wasn’t a perfect husband, but I was a good one. I was loyal, faithful, supportive and loving, yet she is able to ignore all that I am for her. Her focus is only on trying to destroy my reputation and good name in order to validate her actions. Imagine being told by someone they love and adore you only to be back stabbed after three months of marriage. She violated confidential information concerning my past mistakes by spreading lies about my use of drugs, reckless spending and infidelity. All of which is untrue and can be proven. She accused me of living off of her, when bank statements will show, I contributed three times more income to our relationship than she. They also show her wreckless spending of money and non payment of debts. A practice she has continued for many years. She is incapable of committment and loyalty. She is selfish, has no humility and completely void of any compassion or self evaluation. Yet, I still love her. Why, I couldn’t say. My Priest insist that I’m in love with the notion of her. Thats probably true. I was angry at God for taking her away from me, but now I realize he has saved me from yet another destructive situation. God is good and looks out for all of us. All the best.
Blessings Mobetter,
I pray it gets better from here.