By AlohaTraveler
I work at a children’s shelter. One day last summer, we were playing dodge ball with the children and it made me think about the Bad Man. When we play dodge ball, we divide the teams children against counselors. To play the game, we divide the basketball court in half with the mid line being the divide between territories and we use six balls. When the referee blows the whistle to start the game, balls begin flying in every direction, someone is “OUT!” and the heated arguments ensue (from the children of course, we adults keep our heads) about the rules and who threw what? Was their foot over the line? Was it before or after “TIME OUT” was called? Which player was “out” first? In other words, it is complete and total chaos. I hate when they defer to me and ask what I saw. Ummm … I saw people running all over the place and balls bouncing and then someone shouted “TIME OUT!” Whom that was, I don’t know. Which team was it that was tagged first? What color was the ball that made the first impact? Sheesh! This is hard. I am a terrible referee! I can’t process all this information at once. EXACTLY.
Mental Gymnastics otherwise known as “Being Kept Off Balance” or “Crazy Making”
This is how it was with the Bad Man. Complete and total chaos. “Balls” coming at me from every direction and constantly being told I crossed the line somewhere. Just like with children, the rules and the lines were changing all the time. Breaking the “rules” was totally unavoidable. I couldn’t keep anything straight. He claimed I yelled at him. Did I? I don’t remember that. He claimed I was “out of line” and “out of control.” Was I? I wasn’t sure. I admit I was upset. I admit I was hurt. I became confused in the midst of the chaos. There was so much coming at me!
At first, I reacted to everything. However, it didn’t take long before I stopped reacting because I didn’t know what to react to. I often woke up to tirades over email and the sheer volume of accusations were just completely mind boggling. Sometimes, I tried to understand where he was coming from. Other times, I attempted to apologize but for what, I was not sure. Apologies never worked anyway. Bad Man would say, “You didn’t even apologize for the RIGHT thing.” Or “You missed something in your apology.” If I asked, “What did I miss?” he would tell me, “I am NOT going there with you.” Okay.
After one or two episodes in which I dared to be angered by his outrageous attacks and accusations, I changed my tactic because being angry and arguing my side made things worse. I began to be very careful. I had a sense that he was taking apart my reality but at the time, I didn’t really have words for that. Instinctively, I started stepping ever so carefully. It was not because I thought I could avoid the attacks coming out of him. I gave that idea up quickly. I became careful and measured with my words and my tone because I wanted to be sure of whom I was being in the moment. If I was mad or outraged, then I would be unsure of what I said and how I said it. So, I became a ZEN master of sorts. I stayed in the moment. I was careful not to lose my head in anger or frustration. That way, I could be sure, at least for myself, that I had not been out of control. Not that this made any difference.
A big part of emotional/psychological abuse is something called “keeping the victim off balance.” The abuser is always changing his demands, his rules, his desires. You will know you are being abused in this way when you are trying with all your might to make your partner happy, nothing you do is good enough and “everything is your fault.” You will know you are being abused when you are in constant defense of your character. You will know you are being abused when you ask yourself, “If he hates everything about me, then why does he stay?”
Reality Show
When I was with the Bad Man, I started to wish that everything that was happening between us was being recorded. That way, I could go back to the tapes when he started rewriting history to suit himself. I often asked myself, “How could he possibly say that is what happened?” If this sounds familiar, it’s a sure sign that you were deep in the throes of “Crazy Making.” As you start to doubt yourself, you begin to feel as if you are losing your mind. An Abuser’s version of what happened will be fixed like super glue with no room to budge an inch. Not one. This nearly drove me mad! The Bad Man was always imagining himself as the victim of me! And no amount of talking could convince him that he had any part in breakdown-of-the-day. ARGH!
I believe that anytime you notice these kinds of dynamics with anyone, a boss, your mother, a lover, it means something is wrong with them, not you. This is just my unscientific opinion. We all have room to grow but when suddenly, everything in the world is wrong with you, well, that doesn’t seem fair does it? Also, it’s fairly unlikely assuming you are a full grown adult with a life that was functioning before this person came into your life.
No Coping Strategies Will Work
Fairly early on in the relationship, I began to try to modify my behavior in order to please the Bad Man. I became very measured in my words and watched my tone of voice. I focused all my attention on being a pleasing machine. I tried to meet his outrageous demands and… (if you are easily offended, please don’t read the next phrase) had sex like a circus monkey. Even that didn’t work. Nothing worked! Nothing stopped him from getting mad at me. Nothing stopped him from living in his warped reality where I was evil and he was the victim of me and my “horrid” ways. It was so tiring.
I left the Bad Man and his chaos in search of my own peace and an answer. I found the answers I needed here at LoveFraud. Really. I am not trying to get points here. I needed this explanation and thank God I found it. I still don’t know all of the Bad Man’s secrets but I know the biggest one. Bad Man definitely has a personality disorder, or two. Since I am not a clinician, I am unsure if he qualifies as a sociopath. I am SURE he qualifies as a borderline and a narcissist. Not too long ago, I believed that but still felt a little uncomfortable stating it because I wondered if saying he was an abuser made me the “drama queen” that he said I was. Now I know that calling me “drama queen” was a way to discredit me to others and to make me doubt myself and my own perceptions. That’s just one of the things I know today. I also know something else. “Drama” and chaos seem to follow the Bad Man wherever he goes. To this day, anytime I hear a man say he is looking for a woman with “no drama” it makes me wonder… about the man.
Peggy:
As I seem to recall, a spendthrift trust is one that is created for the benefit of a person — generally because he or she is unable to control spending. The trust documents gives an independent trustee full authority to make decisions as to how the trust funds may be spent for the benefit of the beneficiary. Creditors of the beneficiary generally cannot reach the funds in the trust, and the funds are not actually under the control of the beneficiary.
A spendthrift provision in an irrevocable trust prevents creditors from attaching the interest of the beneficiary in the trust before that interest cash or property or both is actually distributed to him or her. Most well drafted irrevocable trusts contain spendthrift provisions even if the beneficiaries are not known to be spendthrifts. This is because such a provision protects the trust and the beneficiary in the event a beneficiary is sued and a judgment creditor attempts to attach the beneficiary’s interest in the trust.
Without seeing the trust documents, I am assuming your mother told her attorney, who is the one disbursing the trust of her concerns regarding your involvement with the sociopath and the fact that the sociopath embezzled money from the trust.
The fact that you are living in the same house from the sociopath and continuing to have involvement with him is no doubt giving the trustee ample grounds to deny your requests for the proceeds of the trust. Her concern, no doubt, is that if she gave you the money, the sociopath would just promptly grab the house and sell it and abscond with the funds.
I would say your best bet is to ask for a meeting with the trustee and determine exactly what you would have to do to get some of the proceeds and ask what conditions your mother attached to your getting those proceeds.
With respect to a house, if the trust proceeds were to be used for it, I suspect title to the trust would remain with the trust. You may ask if that would be an acceptable alternative to the trustee since that would keep your sociopath from getting access to the title.
Your best bet is get rid of the sociopath. It sseems to me that you and your kids continue to protect this creature.
He has stolen your social security number and your kids social security numbers and trashed your credit. You are all going to be paying the price for that a long time because your credit scores will be destroyed. The best thing you could do for your self and for your kids as their mother is for all of you to swear out charges with the district attorney’s office for identity theft and fraud.
Mobetter: “They” are the lie, from hello to goodbye.
You are her business, she, like what “they” all do, work us for what they can get. Period. We are stepping stones to what they want, when they want, where they want to go. Which, by the way, no one can figure out where they are going? … it’s this perpetual motion thing happening with all of them. Which is opposite of going silent, being still, listening to the holy spirit to renew yourself (aka God). They never slow down, never go still, never go silent to listen within to the Holy spirit. Therefore, my conclusion is they are the FOOLS of the world.
Stay with us on this blogg. The more you read, the more you comprehend what an illusion they all are. Knowledge is power … and this knowledge, though it will hurt you to your very core, will set you free.
Remember, there is no substance to any of them. We can call them shameless, ruthless, careless, immoral … etc. but in reality … they are NOTHING. Not a THING.
Peace to your heart and soul as you heal through this horrific of traumas. You will get stronger as you progress through your healing. I promise you that. We all promise you that.
Remember, you are not alone, WE are all in this together.
For now, pamper yourself. Be good to yourself. Put some nice jazz or whatever kind of music you like on. Take a walk (hopefully you have a dog by your side … if not, rescue a dog (or 2) from the shelter), get some fresh air and sunshine (God’s natural healing). When thoughts of her pop into your head … pray to God to help you get over the shackles of her lies and deceptions. Stay with us and blogg about anything you want, any time you want. Who ever is on line at the time, will gladly write you back.
Blindsighted said:
“He acted like our relationship would be ongoing. We even went away overnight to a “conference”. By then I was in love and fantasized that we would someday be able to be together- I thought he felt that way too. ………Throughout all this,he always insisted he and his wife were happily married and never even remotely implied that he would ever leave her. I accepted that although if he had said he was leaving his wife, I probably would have left my husband for him.
July 31 began the same as…..He said his wife was busy that evening and so he could take me out to dinner. …….. he looked at me and said ” I think I have been giving you the wrong impression, I know you are in love with me , but I’m not in love with you.” When I asked if he was breaking up with me, he said no- he just wanted me to know this, but he still wanted to see me. Needless to say, I was blindsided and absolutely destroyed. ……………..while looking through the archives I saw a article about “the mask coming off”……t. Its just amazing how that is exactly what happened. Devalue- ” I think I’ve given you the wrong impression- I know you are in love with me, but I’m not in love with you”. Then discard soon after and moving on to a new conquest. I keep trying to deny that he is a “true” sociopath, but the more of your stories I read, the more convinced Iam that he is a true S…………..”
I’m sorry for your pain and I have no idea if the guy in guestion is a socio or not. But from your post, here is what stands out:
(1) He was married and you knew it upfront
(2) You were also married and you knew you were married, plus he knew you were married
(3) YOU say throughout your affair he always alleged being happily with his marriage and said he would NEVER leave her and that you accepted this -but you say YOU are in love with him and would leave your husband for him (BTW, You don’t mention YOUR husband much or how HE FEELS about his wife being unfaithful to him)
(4) He tells you he is not in love with you, then begins to break away
I understand people are motivated to have affairs by different things and I am not getting into the morality issue of that because different people feel differently about it. But when ANYONE enters an affair with the KNOWLEDGE that a man is married, he tells you upfront he is NOT going to leave his wife for you, and YOU ARE ALSO MARRIED—-then you “fool around and fall in love” and he ain’t[‘t in love and drops you and moves on—————–HOW DID THIS GUY EVER HAVE THE MASK ON? Maybe he’s a socio, or maybe he is a jerk who just likes to screw around alot on his spouse for whatever his reasons, just as the women he hooks up with (the ones who are also married) also screw around on their spouse for whatever reason.
Like I said, I’m sorry for your pain and I’m sorry that you fell in love with a married man. But frankly, I don’t see that you were BLINDSIDED at all and get a little tired of the “group think” and hopping on the bandwagon that everybody who gets dumped and gets their heart broken because they chose to break their own marital vows and hook up with another married person is the victim of a sociopath.———–
Jen – you raise a very good point. Not just between married people having affairs, but romantic relationships in general…. sometimes its not sociopathic, but just a relationship failing to thrive, or losing interest, or someone making a bad choice/ bad judgment and cheating on someone, or frustration expressed because of the stress involved, etc., etc.
With S/P’s and disordered people in relationships there are clearly underlying issues of pathological deceit toward you as their partner, false advertisement as prince charming/cinderella and MOTIVES to confuse you, D & D you, as well as humiliate and harm you.
I think, but I cant speak for Blindsided, just share my interpretation that perhaps she got caught up, as many have –whether married or not – whether aware or not — caught up in the fantasy of it all. Perhaps believing in time they would end up together. And you are correct in pointing out that he did not actually verbalize to her that would be the case and he did not verbally false advertise in any way
And the difference is the ones who verbalize deceit from the getgo (i.e. dont say they are already married, or give false names, addresses, etc., and seduce people into relationships for personal/financial/sexual gain.
Having an open marital affair – with the cards on the table – is a different situation. And perhaps blindsided “fell in love” with someone who just wanted to have his cake and eat it too – ie. an affair — and that was the reality of it — but she was with somone whose actions of spending time together, travelling and perhaps saying words in the moment, and displaying a perceived real interest.. but all the while reiterating “but im not leaving my wife” — still allowed Blindsided to poss get caught up in a fantasy about the potential for more??
Any way you slice it… affairs are dysfunctional situations. Not necessarily sociopathic situations – but still ones that require support and personal enlightenment and personal healing and growth afterward.
Learnthelesson says: “Any way you slice it” affairs are dysfunctional situations. Not necessarily sociopathic situations – but still ones that require support and personal enlightenment and personal healing and growth afterward.”
I completely agree. But at the same time, IMO, I just don’t think the board should be a “Yes” board where no matter what the situation everyone always slams the other party. I ithink the support on this board is great, BUT I also think it needs sometimes to be balanced–although usually there is alot of contrasting opinons here anyway which is good.
But yes, like you said Blindsided needs support–after all her heart is broken for whatever reason–but for me, that support can’t extend to soley blaming him for engaging in the same behavior she engaged in–with her being the victim, or for not living up to her fantasy of staying with her foever.
Jen – I agree with you about trying to be fair to all parties involved. And I reread Blindsided’s first post. She spoke about she herself not setting out to leave her husband or have and affair.
And mentioned many red flags about his seductive manner, and pity story about his wife, and seductive involvement in her life…. as well as the deceit she found out about previous “affairs” even one while she was involved with him and unethical work practices…etc…
Someone, perhaps, Melanie mentioned before every situation is different and some more complicated than others.
For me, if someone ends up at LF , as I did, they are at least seeking to understand their personal situation…including their xtox and hopefully gradually starting to understand themselves and work on themselves as well. So, for me personally its not so much categorizing whose to blame, but recognizing that it was dysfunctional, unhealthy, and stagnating lives.
At the same time, I recognize your concern about how we address the other party involved at times! Thanks for the reminder!
In “moments of weakness” I think we all, at least I know I HAVE, done things I knew were wrong. Made decisions and rationalized that what I was doing might be “wrong” but in “this situation” it was OK. It’s not.
I am ASSUMING that Blindsided had not had a SERIES of unfaithful relationships, her X apparently had a PATTERN with this series of unfaithful relationships.
I also think from some of her earlier posts that she admitted she knew it was wrong (I didn’t get that she was married at that time I read it) but that she knew he was married.
My “take” on it, from what I am reading of her posts, is that yes, she knew he was married, she knew it was wrong, but she “fell for” his charm and pitied him.
She also, I think, read more into what he was doing than he intended. He was just looking for some “strange” and apparently was “up front” about that….still doesn’t mean he is not a psychopath or a Narcissist, he is surely an A$$h01e if nothing else. He doesn’t have to have a psychological “label” to be TOXIC and obviously he was/is TOXIC.
Yes, she should NOT have knowingly gotten into an affair with a man she knew was married…but at the same time, having done things myself that I KNEW AT THE TIME WERE WRONG, I cannot “cast the first stone” at her—-and all I can say to her is what Jesus said to the woman taken in adultry, “Go and SIN NO MORE.”
Right now she is in PAIN, probably I would guess, both for being dumped by this man she “bonded to” (I won’t go so far as to call it “love” though it may FEEL like love to her right now) and she is also probably beating the heck out of herself with an emotional equavilent of the cast iron skillet.
Jesus didn’t condone the woman taken in adultery for her sin, and I am pretty sure she had some more consequences to face in life even though she didn’t get stoned to death which was the custom then, I can’t even imagaine what DID happen to her—did her husband cast her out on the street to starve, did he forgive her and take her back, what about the people of the town where “everyone knew” what had happened to her?
There ARE consequences to bad choices, such as adultery, etc. even if “no one finds out”—and even if you personally, don’t believe it is a “sin”—there aren’t many moral people who don’t think it is a “bad thing” even if they aren’t religious.
I feel for Blindsided’s pain, even if there is some of her own bad decisions involved in it, decisions she knew were “bad” and did them anyway. Right now, she needs, I think, support for her efforts to heal that pain, so that she CAN go on and “sin no more” and learn from the decisions that SHE made.
I don’t know if any of what I am saying is making a lot of sense or not. I don’t “love the sin” but I do “care for the sinner” and right now she is in pain…and my hope is that she can forgive herself as well as heal from the painful relationship and that she can go out into life making better decisions and be a stronger and better person for this painful experience. Hugs to you all, and always my prayers.
Qxy, Although you didn’t read she was married, she opens her post with an explanation:
“In the Fall of 2006 I was a 52 year “empty nester”- my only child, my daughter, had just gone off to college. I was ,and still am ,stuck in a loveless marriage with an older man with many ailments”
But at any rate, yes, I understand she is in pain. I understand we all make mistakes. My only point (and I guess I am being an asshole by making it) is that she also said she was willing to leave her husband for the man, yet in spite of him TELLING her he was not going to ever leave his wife for her, now she is saying he dropped his mask and had been misleading her alll along. So, my point is she went into the relationship with FULL knowledge of his lack of long term intentions towards her, so she was NOT blindsided in that regards, whether the guy is a sociopath or not. Oh well, sorry for my rants–well, not really. Jen
Jen2008,
Remember, under the influence of a Sociopath, reasonable people do unreasonable things.
That’s all I’m saying.
:o)
I have to chime in here…Blindsided you are human and you made a bad choice – sorry you are in a loveless relationship, that makes the lure of true love even more powerfull–