By AlohaTraveler
I work at a children’s shelter. One day last summer, we were playing dodge ball with the children and it made me think about the Bad Man. When we play dodge ball, we divide the teams children against counselors. To play the game, we divide the basketball court in half with the mid line being the divide between territories and we use six balls. When the referee blows the whistle to start the game, balls begin flying in every direction, someone is “OUT!” and the heated arguments ensue (from the children of course, we adults keep our heads) about the rules and who threw what? Was their foot over the line? Was it before or after “TIME OUT” was called? Which player was “out” first? In other words, it is complete and total chaos. I hate when they defer to me and ask what I saw. Ummm … I saw people running all over the place and balls bouncing and then someone shouted “TIME OUT!” Whom that was, I don’t know. Which team was it that was tagged first? What color was the ball that made the first impact? Sheesh! This is hard. I am a terrible referee! I can’t process all this information at once. EXACTLY.
Mental Gymnastics otherwise known as “Being Kept Off Balance” or “Crazy Making”
This is how it was with the Bad Man. Complete and total chaos. “Balls” coming at me from every direction and constantly being told I crossed the line somewhere. Just like with children, the rules and the lines were changing all the time. Breaking the “rules” was totally unavoidable. I couldn’t keep anything straight. He claimed I yelled at him. Did I? I don’t remember that. He claimed I was “out of line” and “out of control.” Was I? I wasn’t sure. I admit I was upset. I admit I was hurt. I became confused in the midst of the chaos. There was so much coming at me!
At first, I reacted to everything. However, it didn’t take long before I stopped reacting because I didn’t know what to react to. I often woke up to tirades over email and the sheer volume of accusations were just completely mind boggling. Sometimes, I tried to understand where he was coming from. Other times, I attempted to apologize but for what, I was not sure. Apologies never worked anyway. Bad Man would say, “You didn’t even apologize for the RIGHT thing.” Or “You missed something in your apology.” If I asked, “What did I miss?” he would tell me, “I am NOT going there with you.” Okay.
After one or two episodes in which I dared to be angered by his outrageous attacks and accusations, I changed my tactic because being angry and arguing my side made things worse. I began to be very careful. I had a sense that he was taking apart my reality but at the time, I didn’t really have words for that. Instinctively, I started stepping ever so carefully. It was not because I thought I could avoid the attacks coming out of him. I gave that idea up quickly. I became careful and measured with my words and my tone because I wanted to be sure of whom I was being in the moment. If I was mad or outraged, then I would be unsure of what I said and how I said it. So, I became a ZEN master of sorts. I stayed in the moment. I was careful not to lose my head in anger or frustration. That way, I could be sure, at least for myself, that I had not been out of control. Not that this made any difference.
A big part of emotional/psychological abuse is something called “keeping the victim off balance.” The abuser is always changing his demands, his rules, his desires. You will know you are being abused in this way when you are trying with all your might to make your partner happy, nothing you do is good enough and “everything is your fault.” You will know you are being abused when you are in constant defense of your character. You will know you are being abused when you ask yourself, “If he hates everything about me, then why does he stay?”
Reality Show
When I was with the Bad Man, I started to wish that everything that was happening between us was being recorded. That way, I could go back to the tapes when he started rewriting history to suit himself. I often asked myself, “How could he possibly say that is what happened?” If this sounds familiar, it’s a sure sign that you were deep in the throes of “Crazy Making.” As you start to doubt yourself, you begin to feel as if you are losing your mind. An Abuser’s version of what happened will be fixed like super glue with no room to budge an inch. Not one. This nearly drove me mad! The Bad Man was always imagining himself as the victim of me! And no amount of talking could convince him that he had any part in breakdown-of-the-day. ARGH!
I believe that anytime you notice these kinds of dynamics with anyone, a boss, your mother, a lover, it means something is wrong with them, not you. This is just my unscientific opinion. We all have room to grow but when suddenly, everything in the world is wrong with you, well, that doesn’t seem fair does it? Also, it’s fairly unlikely assuming you are a full grown adult with a life that was functioning before this person came into your life.
No Coping Strategies Will Work
Fairly early on in the relationship, I began to try to modify my behavior in order to please the Bad Man. I became very measured in my words and watched my tone of voice. I focused all my attention on being a pleasing machine. I tried to meet his outrageous demands and… (if you are easily offended, please don’t read the next phrase) had sex like a circus monkey. Even that didn’t work. Nothing worked! Nothing stopped him from getting mad at me. Nothing stopped him from living in his warped reality where I was evil and he was the victim of me and my “horrid” ways. It was so tiring.
I left the Bad Man and his chaos in search of my own peace and an answer. I found the answers I needed here at LoveFraud. Really. I am not trying to get points here. I needed this explanation and thank God I found it. I still don’t know all of the Bad Man’s secrets but I know the biggest one. Bad Man definitely has a personality disorder, or two. Since I am not a clinician, I am unsure if he qualifies as a sociopath. I am SURE he qualifies as a borderline and a narcissist. Not too long ago, I believed that but still felt a little uncomfortable stating it because I wondered if saying he was an abuser made me the “drama queen” that he said I was. Now I know that calling me “drama queen” was a way to discredit me to others and to make me doubt myself and my own perceptions. That’s just one of the things I know today. I also know something else. “Drama” and chaos seem to follow the Bad Man wherever he goes. To this day, anytime I hear a man say he is looking for a woman with “no drama” it makes me wonder… about the man.
Aloha:
I totally ‘get’ your analogies in this post as I did not ‘get’ it before.
My last boyfriend (following the Sociopath) was definitely a Borderline (possibly with sociopathic tendencies).
Crazymaking. Changing realities. I never did figure out the rules, because as you said, they changed constantly.
Thanks for the great article!
Peggy
Dear Peggy,
You know, sometimes going back and reading through some of the older archived posts will give you an “ah ha” moment even if they didn’t the first time or two your read through them. Sometimes we don’t “get a message” the first time we hear it, but when the time is right, the message gets through.
I realize that sometimes a certain “truth” won’t resonate with me, or I won’t see the validity of it as it concerns me, but another time I hear the same words and it RINGS THE BELLS with me and I GET IT. That is why I never tire of reading and rereading and re-re-re-reading some of the articles here because I see NEW slants on things each time I go through something.
It is sort of like I felt re-reading the old Bible stories of Joseph in Egypt and King david hiding from Saul in the caves, I see a wider, broader, and different perspective on the meaning of the story than I did when I read it before…because I am more open to the meanings hidden in the story maybe…not sure just why, but new insights. Glad you realized that the next BF was TOXIC whatever his “diagnosis” was—and yep, they constantly change the rules for us, you can’t ever meet their expectations or satisfy them. TOXIC, poison. Deadly!
Dear Oxy:
You warned me about the last relationship…’be careful’…and you were right.
I had a crush on him 40 years ago. He came out of a 30 year marriage. Handsome. Charming. Charismatic. Sweet. Attentive. Helpful. Lots of future plans. Over the top compliments.
Yes, I saw red flags. Yes, I withdrew and he pulled me back in. Unpredictable behavior. Rollercoaster ride. Intermittent anger, then bang…RAGE! Namecalling. Wow.
This is the first time I have encounered a Borderline…perhaps with sociopathic tendencies. I tried to help him, but of course…everything is my fault, and nothing is wrong with him!
He is currently on the smear campaign. I’ve gone NC. Still miss him sometimes, he sure was a good cuddler.
Oxy, you are very wise. I reread the article because have had some long phone conversations with Aloha lately; my last Bad Man was very similar to hers. It has been 3 years since the Sociopath, and sometimes I’m not sure I have gotten any smarter.
Blessings and Peace,
Peggy
Jen 2008 – I like what you wrote when you said “Remember, under the influence of a Sociopath, reasonable people do unreasonable things”.
I can attest to the truth of this … I am a living proof just as many on this site are.
Aloha – I have also posted a warning about the man I was involved with for 2 years on DDHG. He begged me to take it down after his initial threat to take legal action against me failed. There was nothing that would move me from taking that post down. I may have been duped but at least I am giving other women a fighting chance against this man IF they took the time to do their homework and do some research on this man. If you enter this man’s name on bing.com, the post about him on DDHG comes up.
These animals HATE being exposed for who and what they truly are and will issue threats against you for posting a warning about them. But I have no regret what so ever – NONE for the post I made against this man on DDHG.
The important thing is you told the truth on that post and more importantly you can back EVERY claim you made against this person. I have consulted a lawyer about this.
The most important defense to an action for defamation is “truth”, which is an absolute defense to an action for defamation.
Dear Peggy,
Yes, it is sooo easy to be sucked into a relationship with these guys. It sounds like your guy is very similar to my X-BF-P that targeted me after my husband’s death…he was in a 32 yr marriage but cheated on her the entire time, with hookers and a harem of “regulars” that he had scattered all over the place. She caught him when he had an affair in the town where they lived. He seemed to like nurses as most of them were nurses.
He started out so sweet and giving and caring, and great cuddler too…then the anger, then the rage when I began to realize he was still seeing the harem and realized he needed another “respectable wife” to cheat on, and keep the harem from wanting to be exclusive with him.
I haven’t dated much since then, not really been asked all that much, and haven’t been out looking either, but the few guys I’ve had a few dates with waved red flags early on in the relationship and I LOOKED AND LISTENED and at the FIRST red flag of any kind of dishonesty or anger issues, GONE!!! One guy I really had a big crush on him, and we had a “friendship” but not romantic relationship but it would have turned romantic at any time…but after about 6 months of “close friendship” and frequently doing things with him there were some instances of UNPROVOKED and UNEXPECTED RAGE outbursts over crazy chit….the first couple of times it happened I felt (notice I said FELT, not thought) I provoked it or tried to trivalize it but the third time it happened, I didn’t say a single word, just turned and WALKED OUT of his living room and never spoke to the guy again. Total and complete NC. Then, looking back over his relationships with his kids and even his stories about his two x wives (a kid by each) I realized that while his wives might very well have been borderlines, HE WAS AS BAD OR WORSE and very narcissistic and blame placing all on them, assuming nothing for himself.
I bought into his “innocence” there for a while, but in the end, I SAW by watching what he did rather than “listening” to what he was saying–and ACTIONS speak WAY LOUDER than words.
Borderlines are quite similar to psychopaths in the rages that they have, and in the manipulation, so in effect they may just be a different variety of the same species, like a wolf vs a coyote, still predatory, just one bigger and more dangerous than the other one, but still able to do damage to the unsuspecting prey.
I’m glad that you got out of the relationship when you did without more damage than you did, and glad too that you came back here. I think part of my own problems with REPEAT offenders in my life is that I thought I was more healed than I was and therefore didn’t keep my guard up as well as I should have. I got too cocky. Sometimes we know we’ve been “had” and we know we got hurt, but we aren’t SURE just what hit us so we don’t really know what to look for the next time.
I remember feeling sort of superior to the women from the DV shelter who came to my clinic for pro bono medical care. I WOULD NEVER GO BACK TO A MAN WHO BEAT ME. (that made me superior to them) YET, I went back to my SON who had abused me. So why was I feeling “superior to them?” DUH??? Talk about arrogance—I had not learned, and I should have been smarter than that, but I wasn’t as smart as I thought I was.
NOW I realize that I need to be VERY cautious with ANYone in my life and HONOR MY INSTINCTS AND GUT and watch how they act, not what they say. If people treat me poorly, I DO NOT NEED THEM IN MY LIFE. Period. No second chances, no excuses for why they abused me, lied to me, stole from me, tried to trick me, or disrespected me or my boundaries. I treat people well, and I expect—I DEMAND that people treat me with the same respect. Makes life much more simple in deciding who is in my life or who isn’t. NO CHEATS, NO LIARS, NO ABUSER, NO THIEVES, NO EX CONVICTS, NO ADDICTS, NO MOOCHES. Gosh, how simple can life be when you eliminate those? LOL
Dear Deceived,
Your quote from Jen is right on!
I am glad that you were able to warn others of him and that you didn’t have to take down the post. I hope who ever is exposed to him will use your warning. Many times people don’t because they smear us and the next victim wants to believe the lie. You did the best you could.
Glad you are here and healing! It is a journey none of us would want to have to make, but in the end, I think we come out stronger and better if we take this opportunity for growth!
Hi Ox. Many times I wished I didn’t have to make this journey. It really does make your heart and spirit grow tired and weary, doesn’t it? But I cannot undo the past and poor decisions I made that brought me here.
Thanks Ox for reaching out and encouraging so many of us who are here on LF. You are tireless in your encouragement and support to so many – thank you.
Dear Deceived,
Thanks, sweetie, I wouldn’t have chosen this path either, and I had chances to go another direction and I didn’t see that the snakes in the grass had plenty of room to hide and bite me on the path I did choose. I can still be bitten I am sure now, but I AM more cautious where I set my feet, and I don’t put my hand under a rock I can’t see what is hiding under the rock any more! LOL Literally and figuratively watching for poison snakes! CAUTION but I am Determined NOT to live in TERROR any more.
Whether or not you believe it, I GET much much more here at LF than I give back…every day I learn something new, something that uplifts me, or moves me to tears, but the net result is that it is helping me with my own healing journey and if I can by example or by chance help someone else, that gives me satisfaction too. I know how much people here, and Donna and Liane,, Kathy Hawke, and many other bloggers have helped me, encouraged me when I felt I could NOT go on another step. When I felt my heart would burst with pain and sorrow.
I hope those days of chaos, confusion, sorrow, pain and crazee-ness are gone for a while, but I know that whatever I have thrown at me, I can survive and there was a time when I wasn’t sure of that.
A joy shared is doubled, and a burden shared is halved.
Many people here have lightened my burdens and sorrows, and I hope I can do that for others, and share their joy when they break free, step out and step up and heal! God bless all!
What a great article!
Every single part of this is 100% relevant! It hits the nail on the HEAD. I am just BAFFLED at how this KEEPS HAPPENING here on LF. How many articles will I read that are EXACTLY written as though I COULD HAVE SAID THAT!!!! Just shocked over here!!! YES YES YES I agree.
My ex would tell me that I BLACKED OUT and did HORRIBLE things to him when I was blacked out, things that he was suffering tremendously from and that these were the reasons he was “acting out” to deal with the pain of all these things I had done while “blacked out.” It wasn’t until I LEFT him that I started to wonder if I had actually done or said any of it at all…..truly….I had no memory of more than half the things he’d accused me of, which had made me think I was completely nuts before. He had me thinking I was blacking out and doing things I didn’t remember doing! That made me so nervous! I remember thinking, “What if I black out at work?” I was so nervous!
What really got me thinking even before leaving him was that he kept calling me unstable and crazy and emotionally abusive yet….
I figured that IF I really was all of these things, then WHY is it that only in my interactions with HIM do I seem to display such characteristics? What I mean is that I did SEEM unstable when he was around, because he was throwing zillions of balls at me and moving the lines, just as this writer said. I started to reason, however, that I ONLY responded to HIM this way, and that in every other relationship in my life (except my P father) I had a stable interaction with the person. This means my mom, my close friends, sisters, brother, ect. Why didn’t any of my closest friends think I was bipolar? Why is it that the sisters I lived with for many years had never told me about my “blackout” episodes? How naive was I!?!?!? Whatever he said, I just ate it up, because he TOLD me it was true. Duh!
And about that last part….when a guy says he is looking for a woman without drama, I immediately think he’s dangerous. I already had this sense before reading this, before the spath actually. Unfortunately, spaths aren’t even THAT obvious. Rather than saying they want a woman with no drama, they will say something much more tricky, like, “I am looking for a woman who shares my vision of a mutually respectful, peaceful, and loving relationship. A woman who is confident in herself and has a good sense of who she is.” Next time a guy says this, I’ll be tempted to say, “And what movie or book are you quoting?” Then I’ll look nuts….oh, well….
ouch….yes…it’s such a dead-on article that it hurts.
Panther,
You hit the nail on the head when you said that your “craziness” only came out around him. That’s how you knew he was the cause.
Years ago, spath and I had a major fight. I was all broken up wanting to die and he just sat there emotionless. Then I noticed something. I noticed that I only ever felt like I wanted to die, when I was around him. And I remembered that he told me one of his ex-gf’s had killed herself. I then knew, that he was the cause. It really helped to restore my sanity to know that these feelings were not coming from me, but from him. The clues were all there.
Years later, I remembered the incident again and then another thought came to me: I was wrong. There actually had been another time when I couldn’t stand living anymore, and that time it was because of my parents.
So that is one way you can know you are with a spath: they make you wish you were dead.